10 Yr Old Girl Being Targeted with Mean Comments

Sue is probably looking for attention that she don't gets at home, some kids when others enter their space, they tend to behave rude, you should have a chat with the parent and keep notes obout the meeting, if the problem continue seek some legal advice about probably having the parent or parents make their child stop, because once it continue it can become serious. Bullying is nothing to joke about any more, and history have proven that is the recent years.

Girls can be so mean. Maybe.. and it's a maybe.. you can invite Sue over.. maybe sue is feeling very left out.. and doesn't have any other real friends.. maybe by including her in playtime.. she may come to be a very good friend. Ask you daughter to go to her and ask her to play with both girls.. Ask Jane how was Sue before.. was she mean.. or really nice.. she may feel very left out.. give Sue a chance.. she might be a very nice friend.. but she may need time to adjust to sharing her old friend with a new friend. I bet they all get along well in the end.. i hope so. if she comes over.. tell her that you want them all to get along.. they can all be friends.. good luck..

L.,

I had the exact experience as you and my daughter is now twelve.

I honestly think it is a healthy part of growing up - I say this now. On the side lines I felt helpless and at FIRST, went to talk to everyone, but nothing happened. My husband - her father - gave us some excellent advice that some one on this site said as well -when the two of them or alone no one will be there to stop anything.

Her dad turn to our daughter and said you have to stand up for yourself. And she was like, "Is that ok?" Her dad was like yeah! He said, If she says mean things when no one is around or listening - say mean things back - no curse words etc., If she pushes you or hits you (yes, pushing was involve, but no one ever saw it) push her back harder!

In fact when she is alone go up to her and say if you don't start nothing there will be nothing - and if you DO start anything I will finish it. He even made the fist in hand jesture. Sit where she sits,stand where stands - don't hide from her.

She said, "But dad, what if I get into trouble?" He said, "Who are they going to call?" She said, "My parents - you guys." "And we're saying it is all right, right?"

Boy did my daughter stand up for herself - she even made the mean girl cry, by sharing candy with the other girls and not this girl. I stepped in - she was becoming a mean girl now - and told her standing up for yourself is like a sword you have to be carefull how you wield it. That year she learn how to stand up for herself - without being a bully herself- it was great lesson for her.

Also, she befriend the girl (they were so much alike) they are still friends till this day - really, really good friends. Also, my daughter is very popular. I was making her into a victim, her dad empowered her and we both taught her how to stand firm, but be fair and kind.

K.

I don't know why someone from another town would say that the kids in Cheshire are brutal. Kids in general can be brutal when they don't like someone. One of my friends who lives in Wallingford had to pull her daughter out of the highschool after she was bullied both on and off school grounds. Unfortunately when it's one child's word against the other you don't get very far.

Is there a particular reason why your daughter, Sue and Jane can't get together to play? Maybe the other girl just feels excluded and that's why she's taking it out on your daughter.

Rent "Odd Girl Out" and watch it with your daughter. It is an HBO movie.

But you personally should read "Odd Girl Out" b/c there is a lot of helpful information and direction. There is even a book that is at her reading level (I think). The book deals with femal aggression which is exactly what your daughter is going through. Psychoeducation is one of the most helpful tools you can access. That will enable her to be empowered from the inside out on how to handle these mirky situations with girls. Arm yourself as well. You will be doing both of you a favor that will last a life-time of impact. Trust me. Good luck, N

I haven't a clue why Sue's Mom isn't taking responsibility to stop her daughter's bad behavior. But it is up to the school staff to get Sue's Mom involved with Sue's problem and deal with her child's bad behavior.

Ask both before and after care teachers and the head of the school to keep Sue away from your daughter and why. Infact put it in writing and keep a copy of it for your records. Advise your daughter not to talk to Sue at all and to go over to the teachers the moment Sue approaches her and let them know "Sue again is over stepping boundaries and is up setting her."
If this doesn't work, go to the head of the school and put in a major complaint and ask them what they are going to do about this and as long as Sue continues misbehaving, continue following up on it until they take action on it. In the mean time keep a log on the dates and Sue's comments and how it has effected your daughter both at home and in school and what you are being told by the teachers and the head of the school...It will all come in handy if you have to contact the board of education, Sue's Mom, or a lawyer...

Hey L.,

I waited to respond to your request because this part of my daughters life was such a nightmare it is difficult to relive. I really don't have the answer because my daughters problems went on from your daughters age until high school and only stopped when my husband became involved. My daughter was very popular and jealousy plays a huge role in this type of girl behavior.Also three is never a good number in girl friendships. Once my daughter became a cheerleader and was made captain of her team the nightmare really began. Girls and their MOTHERS can be vial and jealousy is always the root of the problem. I was a very involved mom Team mom, Class mom, PTA and the exposure even thought I thought I was doing good made it even worse. Because I was so involved in school functions my daughter was accused of only excelling in everything she did because I was around. Which was not true at all she was a good girl and a team player and really was not treated fairly. Long story short is my daughter did not defend herself she was harassed in school, on the computer, by phone and back then (she is now 20) they didn't have all of the anti-bullying laws they do now. When I would go to teachers and the principal I was portrayed as an overprotective, overreacting, mother. She lost so many friends because weak girls stick with the mean girls its just the way it goes. Going to the mothers is a big NO NO trust me it will fall on deaf ears and make things worse. The icing on the cake for my husband was in high school my daughter was nominated for homecoming queen and was also voted team captain for cheerleading. The class had made a float and on the float they booed her and threw candy at her. It broke my heart I do not know how this kid survived. That was when my husband finally got involved and went to the superintendent of schools. Needless to say because he is a man they paid attention. Even though the kids were not suspended they were warned and it pretty much stopped. In the end it has made my daughter a very strong, beautiful, confident person. She is living away at a top college in NJ is being inducted and receiving an award for high honors. She graduated high school 11th in her class and is doing great. I am not on of those mothers who likes to boast I am merely trying to show you that my daughter is a wonderful girl and that is why she was targeted. I remember telling one of the moms What do you want me to do put a bag over her head because she is pretty!!!! In the long run she survived despite their attempts to destroy her. I do have a book that I read and it really gave me a great perspective on the dynamics of girl groups it is called " Queen Bees and Wannabees". I actually gave it to the school psychologist after having many conversations with her during this terrible time. The school psychologist really loved my daughter and did everything in her power to help her thought this time. My only other advice is to tell your daughter it is okay to defend herself and if she gets in trouble then that is okay you will stand beside her. When a girl is kind like my daughter it is mistaken for weakness and they will never let her alone once they know that. My daughter now at 20 is a spitfire and I am so proud of her. This type of bullying can lead to so many horrible things like suicide, depression, and I was so fortunate that my daughter came out of this okay. She is studying to be a school psychologist (ironic huh!!) because she has such insight on the problem. Good luck to you and your daughter.

Your daughter has to stick up for herself but in a way that is calm, non violent, and does not allow this bullying girl to get the better of her. I think you can talk to all the teachers, supervisors in the world, but the minute these kids are alone or no one is watching the bully is going to start again. She's doing it b/c its getting to your daughter. OF COURSE IT IS! I remember growing up and having issues with other girls - ITS TERRIBLE. I think your daughter needs to communicate with this girl somehow to really get it to stop. Maybe the 3rd friend who is a part of it can be part of the coversation too. Maybe you can set it up with adult supervision there so it doesn't turn into anything, but I think the key is communication. This bully needs to hear from your daughter that your daughter is not going to take this anymore. I'm sorry your daughter has to go through this...but we all did to some degree right. Good luck!

I would have to agree with all the posts stressing how important it is to get this behavior to stop. But of course, you already know that, since that is why you posted! I don't know how much will change by going through the upper levels of the school. My experience of being bullied in 5th grade was so difficult that my parents changed my school. That was probably the best decision they could have made. There were several kids bullying me, so maybe there is a better prognosis when it is only one bully. I am almost 30 and still have painful memories of that time, but I am so grateful my parents were able to make that change for me. Because of that, I was able to come back to the same school system in 8th grade and have no problems. I hope things work out for your sweet little girl.

Good luck. My son puts up with the same stuff, plus he gets excluded, and some kids even use racial slurs on him. He doesn't want to tell the teacher, because he doesn't want to be called a tattle tale. He's even had his notes stolen out of his notebook! The only thing you can do, if the afer care person won't step up to the plate, is to request to personally talk with the child causing the problems in front of the after care owner. You can ask why she is doing these things to your daughter and explain that it is bullying and not appropriate. As for my son....He now has a lock on his notebook, calls his friend up on the phone and makes play dates since the other kids won't let him play with his friend, and calls them names back. I only had to answer the principal once, and we had a mutual agreement.

This must be so hard for you and your daughter. I would call Sue's mother directly and explain how painful this situation is. I know the teacher said that she spoke with her, but she may not have made it seem as important as it is. Good luck!

First of all your daughter was right to YELL at her to stop. That is the correct course of action to take when someone/anyone is doing something to you that you do not like. It is what we encourage the children to do at our daycare. So your daughter should not have gotten in trouble instead the provider should be working on bringing the girls to an understanding.

A meeting with both Moms and both girls mediated by an experienced child care professional should ALREADY have taken place.Not always but when the girls see their parents interacting civilly and working together to solve a problem they usually follow the result.
Ignore her is nice advice and often a parents response but has no practical application in a close situation like day care. This really should be addressed pro actively by the day care staff.
They may need to be vigilant in observing the dynamic of the girls interaction and respond, redirect and guide both girls into more positive behavior. If the staff is aware and reacting consistently the girls typically will both stop being antagonistic. They do not have to LIKE each other EVER but they do have to figure out how to coexist and have respect for each other and that is behavior that needs to be taught and modeled.

I am so sorry to hear that you r daughter is being bullied. That can be very difficult on kids of all ages. I would suggest that you speak with the parents. See if they can assist by having a sit down with their daughter to discuss her feelings. Go with your daughter and maybe she can tell your daughter why she is acting out in this manner. Explain to the parents that you know that their daughter is a well behaved little girl, however some situations have arisen between the girls and you would like to mend any bad feelings between them. If they don't agree to this, then they are probably just like her and she could just be reflecting what she is learning at home. That would make it more difficult to stop her actions.
Plan B would be for you to speak to the school and the after school program and ask that they either keep them separated or to keep a really close eye on them. I would also then file a report with the board of ed and obtain a lawyer. I know that this sounds a bit drastic, but some kids do not cope well with bulling and you never can tell how far the other kid can go.

Take care and best of luck.
D.

I am very sorry to hear that your daughter is being targeted like this. Obviously, Sue is very threatened of your daughters relationship with Jane and doesn't know how else to show her emotions of Jane making friends with your daughter. Is Jane still friends with Sue after all of this? I think maybe it would be wise to talk to Sue's parents with your daughter and Sue there as well. If they do not want to get together and discuss this situation, then I guess the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.I think everyone can relate to your daughter in some way. Being teased is not something that you forget growing up.

The best way to overcome evil is by doing good. tell you daughter to try to be nice to the other girl. The other girl is jealous of the friendship and feels left out. that's why she's going after your daughter. If your daughter includes her, her attitude will change. If not, at least your daughter can say she tried.

Nanc

Hi L.,

If it were me, I would meet with the parent and the child to this out and over hopefully. We know how difficult it is to fit in anywere. I am sorry for your little one. I go nuts when something like this happens to my daughter. They started calling her fat, and chubby. I told her they are jealous of her and they just have nothing else to do. But, I know it still hurts. Good Luck! Keep us updated. I really do hope the mother is better then the daughter.

Call the child's mother directly and speak with her calmly about your concerns. The mother probably doesn't think that her child has done anything wrong, but at least you are confronting the parent directly regarding her child's behavior and the way that your daughter is made to feel.

I would also speak with the principal and ask that your daughter not be placed with Sue next year. Follow-up your conversation with a letter thanking the principal for his/her time and to confirm your request. Give a specific reason for your request.

Good luck.

go all the way to the top there should be a no tolerence policy for bullying in place

L.,
My heart goes out to you, but if I were you I would file a formal complaint with the after school program director. Your daughter should not have gotten in trouble for standing up to that girl, if anything the other girl should have been kicked out a long time ago. I would never tolerate anyone picking on any of my kids and honestly I don't. I don't know what other town you came from but I do know from experience that here in Wallingford bullying is not tolerated and when it does happen it is dealt with. You live in Cheshire and from my experience the kids are brutal. Don't get me wrong it's not all of them but a lot of them are. If it was my daughter (or one of my boys) who was doing this to your daughter she would loose privilages and be punished for her actions. I was bullied all through school so I know how your daughter feels. Don't take it anymore, if necessary go to the police and/or state level. Let me know how you make out.
T.

You can read/watch the new American Girl story; this year's Girl of the Year is Chrissa, who is dealing with bullies (and of course ends up befriending one of the mean girls who has a conscience). But the message isn't "everything's ok and we're all friends" like in High School Musical. And it shows your daughter that she's not alone in being bullied; it's such a problem that May 1st is Stop the Bullying Day.

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We watched the movie with a friend who was being bullied recently, and had my daughter sit with her on the bus to distract her when the bully got on.

A couple of years ago my daughter was bullied when she started a new school, so we made sure the teachers kept the girls in separate groups and seated them across the classroom from each other. Now they basically leave each other alone.

L.,
I usually find much of what I read here kinda humorous but this one struck a nerve.I really think you should put together a formal letter to the supervisor and/or owner of the after care facility and give it to them asking for a follow up. Each time something more happens you should do the same and when the documentation piles up a bit request to meet with them and bring copies of each event that has been addressed. At the time you meet demand that something be done to stop all of this. It seems to be harrassing to your daughter and things like this often lead to frustration, poor self esteem, feelings of helplessness, and have no where good to go when these feelings occur. You would think it seems a bit petty but having been there, "Sue" needs to stop it. She is not any better then anyone else and somebody should make that clear to her now! I hate to think of what kind of person "Sue" will become if she continues to treat people this way and think it is acceptable or appropriate behaviour.

L.,

I truly feel for your daughter. My parents divorced when I was about ten years old. My mom moved around alot as a result (places she could afford on her own were an issue)so my brother and I were always the new kids on the block and in school. The sad truth is there will always be kids who don't like her just for being the new kid. Making new friends is not easy at any age and finding a good one is something everyone wants to hold on too. However, it also sounds like the friend caught in the middle is not really involved in trying to fix this situation even though it basically revolves around her. I would try talking to her parents and tell your daughter to talk to her more. See if she can get the jealous friend to understand that her having a new friend does not mean their friendship ends.

Ultimately there really isn't much you can do beyond what you are doing. You can't be with her 24/7. Tell her that losing her temper won't help. She will have to learn to deal with all personality types and she won't get along with all of them. That's a fact of life. But she can learn to deal with them gracefully and be the bigger person (not easy at 10 I know). You are being very supportive and loving and that is what she needs most of all.

HTH, J.