11 Yr Old Boys Feelings Easily Hurt

My 3 year old is like that and I recently found a book called "The Highly Sensitive Child" that has been very insightful. Might be helpful to you, too.
Good luck!
M. Conran
www.nomommybrain.com

This is a great article that I just read in Reader's Digest. 7 Things Not To Say To Your Kids http://www.rd.com/living-healthy/words-to-inspire/article...

I never thought that saying something like "you're the best' could be translated in his mind as 'you're job in life is to make me happy' instead of saying 'you should be proud of how hard you worked". This is a good article and one that I think parents, teachers, older siblings, etc should read in order to not send the wrong message to our kids.

I also have a sensitive 10yods that no matter how I may say something, it comes out sound ing wrong to him. I am working on changing how I say things as well, but also seeking some counseling for him as I think there is more to it than just a sensitive child, but that's another post.

Read that article & see if it doesn't give you some help.

The article that Debi suggested was good and this part seemed to apply in particular.

4. What you say: "Don't worry -- it'll be okay."
What they hear: "You're such a drama queen!"
A better way to say it: "I totally understand what you must have gone through. Tell me about it."

When a child comes home upset about being teased by classmates or not winning a medal at the swim meet, it's only natural for parents to downplay his disappointment and offer consolation. Adults know that such setbacks are minor.

"But kids need to learn how to express feelings, work through them and move on, as opposed to trying to make them go away without expression," says Panaccione. If children feel that they shouldn't have feelings or that their feelings are bad, they'll start to lock them inside and fail to adopt healthy coping strategies, she says.

On the other hand, kids shouldn't wallow in bad feelings. A question like "Why do you think this happened?" or "Do you have any ideas about what you can do to make it better?" may give them the nudge they need to deal with situations on their own. Says Mel Levine, MD, a professor of pediatrics at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill: "A parent gives more comfort by listening than by talking. If you simply resonate with your child's mood, then you'll have a child who's always willing to come to you and bare her soul."
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Maybe he needs a counselor, priest, or adult friend to talk to. A good counselor can teach coping techniques and how to deal with the perfectionism tendency.

Good luck!

He is going to be a sensitive adult. Tell him that words only hurt feelings, not good but not the worst thing in the world. Life is a struggle for adults, for kids trying to fit in who are the least bit diff, it is torture every day. I was one of them too, and have a much thicker skin over the years. I am 64, and the memory of jr high and high is so painful that I would never give any of those kids the time of day. My thought is that you are also very sensitive and keep this mentality going. I tried much harder to make my 3 tougher b/c I had had such a hard time. When he complains, say,'so what?, are you physically hurt? If you aren't, then let's put this in perspective. Someone made a comment, it didn't hurt and it is a good learning lesson. He will have to be a little tougher to hold a job and tackle the world, and mom may not always be there. Get him into a group activity, whether it be a chess club, scouts or whatever. Good luck.

Hi L.

When my children were young.
I used to play this pretend game with them.
I would play the one who would be bothering thm.
Like bullys and so forth.
Then we take turn being the othere just to show how to react to someone who is hurting the feelings.
It just an suggestions.
It seemed to help mine a little.

Vicki W.

Focus on the Family had a broadcast not long ago about helping 'timid' children learn to take up for themselves, etc. I think they also offered some written materials about it. Call them at 1-800-A-FAMILY ###-###-####) and ask.

My 13-year old, who's the youngest, used to get his feelings hurt easily. We have a stable family and he has five older brothers, but he was more sensitive than they had been at his age. Last summer, when he turned 13, he seemed to change overnight. Puberty is coming, and that has helped him. Next year he'll go to high school with his big brother and I think that will help even more. Middle school is rough and middle school kids can be mean. Reassure him, lay down boundaries, and he'll get through this.
I agree. He will be a sensitive man. And that's great.

I'm right there with you. I have a seven year old who sounds exacly like you little man. How LORD How....do we fix this? I have tried everything you have seems like. I just hope you get some responses and I'll be checking in to see what they say. My son was sad about wearing his new shoes because someone laughed at them. Get this...the new shoes were ADIDAS! So no matter how cool the shoes were someone was still able to make him feel bad about them. When his teacher corrects his work he comes home crying. It's been better recently, but I have no Idea why...I'm hoping he'll pass through this but who knows. Hope we can find a cure. God bless.

Hi L.:My son is 11 and exactly the same way. We've had him insports since he was 5. Our problem stems from the fact htat we have 2 older children and he was premature sowe babied him a lot. He gets along wonderfully w/younger children just not kids his own age. He has a very short temper. He never starts anything but cannot let go when he has been wronged. we are going to start karate soon hoping that will build his self-confidence. I'm also making him take more responsibility aound the house.I beleive playdates w/kids his age wil help a lot. We dont have any kids my sons age in our neighborhood
G.

Hello L., It broke my heart to read your advice request. I have two boys. Their ages are 16 and 18. Boys that have a sensative nature have a difficult time of it. My oldest has always had this type of personality. Helping him to develope thicker skin was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I really exsposed him to a variety of experiences and let the chips fall where they may. I've always kept an open wave of conversation with him about his feelings and how to deal with them. I have always encouraged him to re-evaluate any situation that causes him to feel hurt, or upset. Be careful, not to always take his side, yet always provide him with a safe place to rest. Enjoy him, he will be great in a few years!!

Time will do a lot. In the meantime don't baby him. Set down rules and consequences, then stick to them. I also always let my sons know that life is not fair and it is a lesson that everyone must learn. I also taught my sons that God has a plan for thier lives and everything that they go through will help to prepare them for Gods plan for thier lives. In our family we always have ribbed each other. I think that has helped then to have tougher skins as well. We usually don't allow to much meaness but there is a certain amount of mean that goes along with the ribbing. The ribbing comes from aunts, uncles,cousins, grandparents along with parents and siblings. Something else that might help is if you can find a friend or mentor from your neighborhood, church or social circle that is willing to be a positive role model for him. Make sure that it is someone that you both are comfortable with. God Bless and Good Luck!

Oh Honey, Sounds just like my little girl. She's 10 and when I try to help her do something, she gets mad. Her feeling get hurt easily when she doesn't do everything right, and when I try to tell her she is not perfect and neither am I she starts to cry. She also thinks everything she does is right(like homework). I love that she wants to do it herself but when you try to help her and tell her the way she is doing it is not correct, she gets upset and cries. I talk to her a lot and she is just now understanding that you don't have to be right all the time. She was also very babied by me during the divorce and I know I have a lot to do with this. I've learned to just talk it through with her and guide her on the things. She has learned a lot in the past year and I see a change a little bit. I also catch her when she is about to cry and talk to her about it. Telling her that there is no need to cry about it, instead let's talk about it and see what we can do to make it better. We try to spend time together on things that she did make mistakes on and look at them. It's hard to change the mind frame of a child but working with her to show her what went wrong and telling her that no one is perfect has made a diffrence. As for the children calling her names, we are working on that too. Children at school call her a TomBoy becasue she doesn't like to wear short skirts like the other girls. I've told her that the chilren that make fun of you may have something bothering them and the only way they know how to express their hurts and feeling inside are to pick fun of someone else. We are still working on a lot and whatever I find that works, I will let you know.

You might check out John Rosemond. He is full of ideas that he has used himself. The book John Rosemond's Six Point Plan for Raising Happy Healthy Children is excellent. He has a weekly column as well, in newspapers and on www.rosemond.com. Good luck!

First, don't be so h*** o* yourself! My son is very similar and I am still married! First borns (mine) and only children are often this way... very h*** o* themselves. It will actually serve them well in the future as they tend to be very successful!

Keep on what you are doing and try to laugh at your own mistakes. Let him know it's okay to feel the way he does, but remind him of some previous issues he's had in the past and let him realize it isn't so bad anymore. Same will happen with what is going on today. No matter, it won't help! Type-A personalities (I'm one of them) will always hate to fail or not be perfect!

Good luck!

Hey there. I've got a 13 almost 14 year old boy who gets his feelings easily hurt and is quite shy. I've also got an 8 year old boy (and a 14 year old girl). Anyhow, I want you to know that I was always afraid of getting my boys involved with football. We are a baseball family. I don't know, something about football just scared me to death about sending my boys.

My youngest begged to play football. I decided to let him try it. I can not express to you how much playing football actually helped to boost his self-esteem. My oldest watched and practiced with the youngest on the football team. (The shy one.) My oldest wants to try and play football next season. Both of my boys are very athletic, but playing football seemed to be the "tougher" guys sport. Anyhow, I want you to know, I was biting my nails the whole time watching my son play football - but I must say that watching all of the men who coached and encouraged my son along with all of the boys playing and building up all that male hormone stuff together made my eyes tear up. It was not the same as the boys playing baseball. Football is very much a "team" sport that requires a lot of hard work and energy. The boys learn to encourage one another as it is imperative that each tackles a player, distracts the other players and does whatever they can do to allow a place for the running back to get through. (My son was the running back...)

Anyhow, I just want to encourage you to maybe get your son involved in at least one sport. If he'd try football, even on a rec. legue - that might be good for him. I do see that he does karate - maybe if he just sticks with it until he begins those little meets that'd be good for him. I would, however, encourage ya not to over do the sports! :-) Good luck to you.