11 Yro Wanting More Independence

I think that is too young. I think 14 and up is OK if they have plans there like the movies, etc.. I remember kids hanging around the malls when I was young in the 80's and if they were just hanging out they were usually getting into trouble.

Also, most amusement parks do not allow under age kids to run around with out an adult, kids have to be 14 or over in Disney without a parent.

I have a 10 year old and can't imagine I'd be ready by 11 either. I think I'd suggest some other options though. Maybe you can have him invite a couple of friends over for a sleepover and you can get to know them. Then maybe you can drop them off for a movie together. I think some independence is great, but you have to be comfortable with the options.

I worked at the largest mall in Wisconsin. NO - NO - NO - NO!!!!

I let my daughter go to the mall alone with friends before I worked there. After I saw the collection of creepy people who tend to hang out at the mall -- never again. You can allow a certain amount of freedom by letting the kids to one store when you go into another close by. Set a time limit 30 minutes I will meet you back here.

One hint when taking kids to any busy place Mall - Amusement park - Carnival take each child's picture that day. IF something happens the security guards and police will have a current picture with the clothes they are wearing that day.

My kids don't ask for this freedom. But having a sister who was allowed to go to the mall with a friend that apparently shoplifted every time, her attitude toward it with her kids is that there is absolutely no reason to hang out in a place of business. If they have a plan, like see a movie and then buy earrings at Claire's, and they are supervised, okay, but to hang out just for the sake of hanging out isn't appreciated. And in our local, most popular mall, kids under 16 aren't allowed to be unsupervised. Personally, I think 11 is much too young to be unsupervised at the mall and so if my kids DID ask, the answer would be no.

I don't think you always need strong arguments for every rule. However, you do need strong boundaries for your rules.

For example, no going to the mall with friends until he's 13. Then, only with friends you know. And there will be a strict curfew ("you may go to the mall from 6 - 8 pm, or 7 - 9, and you will be home by 9:15. Not 9:16. Not 9:25"). And there must be strict consequences. "If you break curfew, you lose the mall privilege for a week (or two or whatever). If you are reported for any inappropriate behavior at the mall, by mall security, you lose mall privileges for the rest of the year. If I happen to go to the mall to shop, and see you doing anything that is rude or inappropriate, you lose privileges..." etc.

Also, when he's old enough to go to the mall with friends, make sure he has a simple cell phone (no internet access, just one that makes calls) and that you and he develop a code, which he can use - NO QUESTIONS ASKED - if he finds himself in an uncomfortable situation. For example, he's with Zeke, who has just shoplifted something and is planning to do something even bolder at the next store. Your son "remembers" he forgot to give you a message and you'll "freak out" if he doesn't tell you. So he calls you and says "mom, sorry, Uncle Joe called before and said to call him". And you both know there's no Uncle Joe. It can be any sentence using the words "Uncle Joe". Help him come up with some very innocent sounding scenarios. It can be whatever makes sense to him and you, about Grandma, or homework ("mom, I'm really sorry, I forgot I need a blue poster board"), or whatever. That's your cue to ask yes or no questions to find out what is making him uncomfortable. "Are you in trouble?" "Is someone pressuring you to do something?" "Is someone drinking?" "Is one of your friends doing something illegal?" Then either help him deal with it, or "freak out" and come pick him up because he's grounded (not really) and it makes you the bad guy. And it gives him a way out of a potentially dangerous situation.

Set all this in place, clearly, in writing, and stick to it. You don't need to get into a debate over some things when your kids are young (and 11 is young for a lot of things). You didn't present a strong argument for holding your hand while crossing the street when he was 2, did you? Sure, you knew why, but on the busy street or in the busy parking lot, you just said "hold my hand".

Not knowing his friends is a deal breaker for me. However, getting ready for the next time, I'd explore a little about what he would like to do at the mall - what does it entail? How long does he want to be there? Don't fill in the blanks for him - let him talk. Then get more detail: "Define 'hang out', dear." See if he even knows what's on the agenda. Do 10 kids want to go to the Apple store and try out the new stuff? They'll be tossed out. Do they want to go to the Lego store and make a mess with the stuff in the bins? They'll be tossed out. Do they want to go to the food court where everyone can get their own stuff at different vendors and then they can eat together? That might be okay if you knew the kids. Find out how he will handle things like getting separated (do they have a meet-up point? Do they know how to use the mall directory or do they only know how to use computers and GPS? Sounds dumb but a lot of times kids don't know. Do half the kids have cell phones? What would they do if they met up with other kids, known or unknown? What about if they encountered someone or some illegal activity in a rest room? Will they use the buddy system? Are all these other kids "veterans" of the mall and is he the only newcomer? That could be good (others will lead), or it could be bad (they might entice him to do something he's too naive to think about, like shoplift or annoy other shoppers on the escalator, that sort of thing.

But even if I let him go, I would drop him off at a particular spot and pick him up there....and I just might stroll along a safe distance behind to see what they were really up to. Does he have money to spend? Does he understand how to calculate sales tax/meals tax or to at least allow for something costing more than the list price? You could consider some practice runs at stores with him and you too.

Before I became a parent, I vowed that I would always discuss everything with my children, and never use the phrase "Because I said so." Ha, was I ever naive.

You know what I discovered? Sometimes, "Because I said so" is a great reason. As parents, we don't always need to go into the minutia of all of our reasoning with our children.

You don't need an "argument" to convince your son why he should not go to the mall with his friends. You can say, "You're not old enough." Or you can say, "Because I'm not comfortable with it." Or you can say, "Because a group of 11 year old kids at a mall is usually bad news." Or you can say, "Because I don't know your friends." Or you can just say, "Sorry, because I said so."

Convincing children, with their immature brains and lack of logic, is usually a futile exercise. Getting sucked into an illogical argument with children is also futile, and exhausting. You just need to learn to be comfortable saying "no."

I would just tell him you think he is to you do not know his friends. You may also want to check the mall policy. The malls near me require an adult to accompany anyone under 13, and anyone under 16 after 6:00 pm. A lot of malls are adopting rules to cut out trouble.

Updated

I would just tell him you think he is to you do not know his friends. You may also want to check the mall policy. The malls near me require an adult to accompany anyone under 13, and anyone under 16 after 6:00 pm. A lot of malls are adopting rules to cut out trouble.

"Sorry, but I don't know these friends. And even if I DID know, I'd still say no because, the mall doesn't allow kids under age X to be there without an adult. That's because the mall isn't a hangout, it's a place to do business."

Son: "But these guys go there all the time and they're 11 and nobody says anything."

You: "That doesn't mean that it's allowed. The mall policy is age X to be there without an adult." (Show it to him on the mall management's web site if that would help; sometimes kids need to see these things for themselves rather than hear it from mom.)

Then, to me, the crucial next step is to offer an alternative that does work for you as the parent here: Tell him he can invite his friends to your house and they can top their own pizzas and watch a movie or whatever. That shows that you are willing to get to know his friends and want him to socialize, but on terms that work for you and for his age. Don't hover while the kids are there, and give them space to hang around without you, but do start getting to know them and their parents.

Or offer to take him and one friend to the mall sometime, with very fixed limits on where they can go in the mall without you right there next to them (though you'd be close by). But I would not offer to chaperone a whole group of kids there.

I find the whole "hanging out at the mall" thing to be way overrated.My teen daughter doesn't even think it's interesting! It's a recipe for trouble and as Itscrazy posted below, many malls are actually getting a bit tougher with age policies and, around us, with enforcing those policies at least a bit. Kids (and many adults who dump kids at the mall like it's a tween and teen playground) tend to forget that malls are private property, not public spaces, and the mall can set its own policies, and can ask kids to leave.

Don't let him plead or cajole you into saying yes ANY time your gut says no. You made the right call here. Even if the mall said kids of 11 were fine to wander unattended, you can still say no. Even if you know the friends, you can still say no. Offer some alternatives and remind him that you are actually saying yes to seeing his friends, just not at a mall.

If you think you need an argument to tell him no, remember that you are one in charge here and while it's very good to show a child real reasons for an answer -- in the end, he does not have to approve what you decide. Sometimes the no is just a no. But in this one case you have two excellent reasons--not knowing the kids AND the age limit.

Not knowing the kids he wants to hang out with alone is a good reason for the No. He can't go to the mall alone with kids you don't know. That is a strong argument and valid reason. At age 11 you should be acquainted with all of his friends. Mall or no mall, he doesn't hang out with people you don't know.

Try to not use age as a reason when it can't be quantified, for example needing to be 16 to drive or rules that say no unattended children under 12. Perhaps the mall does have an age rule, many do. I'd look that up for sure.

If there is no rule to use as your scapegoat, instead of sayiing 'too young' specify the reason he's too young other than being 11. Tell him he has not yet learned to XYZ safely, or that he has not shown you that he will obey rules, or whatever the actual maturity/experience issue is when it comes to him specifically.

You didn't say what he wanted to go to the mall for. Fortunately my boys hate the mall, so they never want to go just to hang out. They do go to see a movie now and then, and I let them do that. If they just wanted to hang out I would tell them the mall isn't for hanging out. I would be concerned if I didn't know my kids friends. I would let the friends hang out at your house instead of the mall so you can get to know them.

Does the mall have any rules about it? I've been in several malls that have signs posted that say kids under a certain age must be a accompanied by an adult. It is usually the age of 12. At the Mall of America after a certain time I think the signs even say 16.

Could you offer to go with them and you can hang out and have coffee and they have to check in with you every so often?

first I'd pick a line to draw. he can go to the mall when he is, what, maybe 13, 14. whatever you decide. you know him best. If you don't know the friends that is reason enough for me.

Maybe start by taking him and a friend yourself, that way you're close by, but they have some freedom. see how he does. but don't feel you have to explain yourself to your child. sometimes "you're too young" is enough.

I'd say 'No, but I do think you're old enough to do more for yourself at home' and then teach him some life skills.
He can do his own laundry, get himself up for school, make his own breakfast, etc.
Malls around here have 'no one under 16 without an adult' rules due to problems with unattended kids and teens.

I agree with Veruka! If there is a plan, great. But to just walk the mall with a bunch of guys - nope. Invite the kids to your house if they just want to hang. He's only 11.

my kids went to the mall with friends if i was okay with their reason for going (usually to go to the movies, or to look at video games and get a DQ treat) and i was okay with the friends. i'd drop 'em off and pick them up 2 hours later, or shop independently and let them do their thing.
my kids weren't perfect, and nor were their friends. occasionally over the years they'd get into stuff that would cause me to break out the mama finger and dole out consequences. sometimes i'd even put the kabosh on friendships i'd find particularly troubling.
but not often.
for the most part i trusted my kids unless i had a specific reason not to, and they bore out my trust very well.
if you don't want yours to go, say no. you don't necessarily have to give reasons. i myself don't get 'you're too young' with nothing else standing with it as a 'strong argument.' while there are things at the malls that are age-dictated, most of the stuff 11 year olds want to do isn't.
but if your 11 year old is young-ish behaviorally and you don't know his friends, why do you need a stronger argument? just say no.
khairete
S.

Say "Absolutely no, you know you aren't allowed to go to the mall without me until you're 14 and that's IF you are showing me that you are responsible and able to pay attention to your environment and more. It's completely at my discretion if you even get to go without me at that age too.

So don't even ask, don't pretend it's going to make any difference because all it will do is show me that you're not old enough or mature enough to handle what I've given you now."

Nope. My daughter is 12 and hasn't done that. Last year there was a birthday party (she wasn't invited) but it was a sleepover and mall trip. A few of her friends that were invited and did go we found running around the mall solo, when the invite said parents will be with them the whole time. My daughter saw them acting crazy (running, being loud, etc) and was embarrassed when they said hi to her.

We make a big deal about safety, teaching them what to do when not so kosher people are around, and that they need to be able to speak up for themselves. We are starting to let the 12 year old go to the movies, but we'll wait outside. Dinner with the friends would be okay, but we'd eat in the same place at another table.

My next oldest is a 10 year old boy and none of his friends would be interested in the mall...but the answer for him would be no too.

Our kids know it's not about them, it's about the crazy world we live in. They know it's okay to not be afraid and to do new things, but we won't send them out like my parents did when I was younger (I am 32). Because the answer is no is a perfectly acceptable response.

Well, personally my wife Helen and I suggest that you offer to have your son invite his friends over to your house. This way you will get to know the friends and will be able to better judge their characters first hand. He will also be able to enjoy some hang time with the buds so it can be a win win. This way you will know if you are comfortable with trusting him to go out on his own.

Also, I suggest - since they are young, growing boys - that you cook up some Tyson chicken nuggets for them to eat. This way you will be the cool mom on the block! I recommend that you should not smother the kids but instead just bring them food and eavesdrop from time to time in another room! Now you cooking, good looking ;)
Good Luck!!

Xoxo, Mamas M.

Updated

Well, personally my wife Helen and I suggest that you offer to have your son invite his friends over to your house. This way you will get to know the friends and will be able to better judge their characters first hand. He will also be able to enjoy some hang time with the buds so it can be a win win. This way you will know if you are comfortable with trusting him to go out on his own.

Also, I suggest - since they are young, growing boys - that you cook up some Tyson chicken nuggets for them to eat. This way you will be the cool mom on the block! I recommend that you should not smother the kids but instead just bring them food and eavesdrop from time to time in another room! Now you cooking, good looking ;)
Good Luck!!

Xoxo, Mamas M.