12 Year Old Daughter Having Self Esteem Issues Because of Boys

I agree with the others: keep her occupied in activities which can actually raise her self esteem by doing something meaningful, while giving her consequences for screaming about her looks and disrupting the household till 11:30 p.m.

Teen girl drama. Fun.

Oy. The drama. Tell her to find new friends that are not into drama. She also needs to know screaming is not acceptable at 2 or 12. Get her involved in something over summer. Tennis camp, helping an elderly neighbor etc

B's response is spot on! That's exactly what I was thinking- up until 11:30 screaming?? Not in my house!

I would suggest you get your daughter involved in some extra-curricular activities that play to her interests, like art, writing, sports, etc. Let her realize that she has talents to build her self-esteem and then she will understand that she doesn't need a boyfriend. She is much too young to be this boy crazy!

Your daughter needs something else to occupy her time and give her some self-esteem. A sport or some sort of class or even a church group.

And I agree with the others - screaming over something like this at her age i NOT acceptable. If she wants to pout or cry or whatever in her room, that's up to her, but she does not get to inflict her craziness on the rest of the household. It's called self-control and it appears she needs to learn it.

As far as her friend having a bf at age 12, that's none of my business. If HER mom had asked, I might have an opinion, but not for someone else's mom.

Ugh, I feel for her. I can remember, oh so faintly, when I spent about 6 months with my entire sense of self worth wrapped around some clueless 14 year old boy with a skateboard, ripped jeans, and the IQ of a shrub.
I think it is inevitable, part of the harsh reality of growing up. I don't think you can talk her around, I just really don't think that is possible. I think listening to her, setting boundaries, and encouraging outside interests are about the best you can do.
Just tell her it will get better eventually!!

Well no. I don't agree with a 12 yr old having a boyfriend. But then, I doubt MY definition of a boyfriend matches what a 12 yr old's definition is.

They probably eat lunch at school together, pass notes at school, and MAYBE, just MAYBE (but doubtful) go to matinee movies on the occasional Saturday with his or her parents. But probably not. They probably only see each other at school... and text/instagram each other. THAT stuff can be a little scary though... depending on the kids and if anyone monitors and has given them rules and instructions on what is appropriate and not appropriate in the world of smartphones.

I don't think that YOU can make her realize that she doesn't need a boy to be beautiful. And who cares. Why do you feel like she needs to view herself as "beautiful" anyway? How about... just show her that she doesn't need a boy to be HAPPY? Looks are irrelevant to being happy. Or confident. Or popular. Or any other thing... and what is "beautiful" is in the eye of the beholder and changes depending on the culture and time. It's also passing.

Teach her to like herself. Help her be "enough" without other people's opinion trumping whether she is enjoying her life. Why does she feel left out? Find other opportunities for her to do things that are independent of sitting being a sounding board for her friend to yap about how great her boyfriend is. What does she like? Reading? sports? The outdoors? Knitting? music? Make sure she has opportunities to do those things, and to do them WITH other people who also enjoy them. People with the same passions tend to appreciate those qualities in others.

--ETA
Going back to read the responses, the very first one (B's?) is exactly right. Up until 11:30 crying and drama over a boy?? Um.. no. In fact, I didn't even really notice you said that until I read B's response. Why? Because it is unfathomable in my world, that my daughter would behave that way. Over anything... much less a boy. She just turned 13. And we don't do drama in our house.

I have a 12 year old. Believe me, this year it was a BIG deal as kids started becoming "boyfriend/girlfriend" It becomes THE focus of the 6th grade peer group. It's all so new and exciting, first year of middle school. They all think they are so grown up. Of course (at least around in our world) these relationships are in name only, see each other at school, talk on the phone, maybe at the ice cream shop in groups, not actual dating. They CALL it that, but no parent would let any of these "couples" be alone unsupervised, ha! At one point in the year, my DD felt so, so sad she did not have a boyfriend while a few other girls did. There were a number of very emotional teary nights before bed. Then when she did get a boyfriend, after awhile, many of the girls got really jealous and irritated if she spent any time sitting by him at lunch or on the phone after school. And they got downright mean. Extreme jealousy. Drama overload. Then one of her friends at the time started obsessing, chasing, and fretting about being one of the "unfortunate ones" without a boyfriend. Then the inevitable "break-up" came for my DD. She was already in an emotional mess due to friendship bullying issues. Thankfully, she was sad just a short time and got over the boy fairly quickly. On to a new "boyfriend" But one she has seen just once since school got out. I think it's a status thing, something to say you have, just so as to not feel left-out of the trend. The hardest part is after the "breakup" 12 year old boys and their 12 year old friends are NOT very nice to the "ex-girlfriends" And we've dealt with some nasty name-calling on social media. Which is exactly why 12 is too young to be in a romantic relationship, as my DD is going through learning the hard way. I'm so glad to have the summer break and see her just spending time with some of her nice girl pals. We talk a lot about the downsides of getting involved in this too soon.

You are her mother, you will never be able to convince her, She has to convince herself. I bet she is very pretty, but that is her issue with herself.,

She FEELS like she is not attractive to boys. But what she does not realize is that MOST boys at this age. Are pretty clueless, and shy about what to say or do with girls..

You may need dad to speak with her about it.

As long as she acts as a child you need to treat her as a child and tantrums are not acceptable. When she acts like that, you send her to her room and tell her to calm herself down and find her regular voice.,

Also purchase a journal for her to write down her thoughts and feelings. I would research teen fiction books, self esteem and see if any of them sound appropriate. then give them to her.

She needs to be kept busy. Volunteering, babysitting, working on a project with some friends. Something so she will quit thinking abut herself so much. Is there any Vacation Bible schools she could assist with? Church camps, day camps? Take a course with the red cross.. She needs to get out there and have some accomplishments and learn to like herself.

She is searching for self esteem.

Almost every twelve-year-old I've ever known, male or female, thought s/he was ugly and repulsive to the opposite sex. Seldom was that actually the case, but puberty hormones can play hell with your perception of reality.

Whether I (or you) agree with her friend having a boyfriend is irrelevant. Neither I (nor you) can do anything about it and her mother hasn't asked my (or your) opinion.

The only thing you can do is manage what goes in in YOUR home.
You can tell your daughter she's a Miss America candidate until the cows come home, but she won't believe you until she matures some. In the meantime, she's going to want a boyfriend, even if you don't allow it. Wanting something she can't have because it's not good for her isn't going to hurt her. It may piss her off, but no one ever died from being pissed off.
She has the right to her feelings, but she does not have the right to disrupt the whole household with them.

If all the friend talks about is the boy, tell your daughter to pointedly change the subject, or find someone else to converse with.

the boys aren't causing the self-esteem issue, and they can't fix it. nor can you suddenly do it. parental influence prior to the tweens is very important, preparing them for the tsunami of puberty hormones and the influence of societal norms, but every person has to face it at some point. and peers take over the role of parents when it comes to influence, which is why it's too late to wait until they're tweens to start working with them on it.
i'd have set boundaries with this girl a long time before. staying up late and screaming over ego issues would not fly in this house.
my boys had 'girlfriends' from the time they could walk and realized what girls were. we have never felt the need to make a ton of rules about what age a kid needs to be before they feel what they feel. naturally we worked with 'em plenty on the degree to which they should ACT on feelings of all sorts, from anger to sadness to horniness. forbidding feelings of friendship, attraction and romance is an exercise in futility anyway. i'd much rather talk my teens through the vagaries of sex, love and hormones than slam the door through absolute edicts.
this girl needs some boundaries, and also clearly needs a thoughtful ear. she needs to learn how to talk to herself, and to her mother, and work through her issues without baby tantrums and caving to peer pressure. at 12 she doesn't yet have the tools to figure out why she's so emotional and conflicted, so she needs help developing healthy ones. you can't tell her how she feels, but you can listen to her and ask leading questions that will help her find her own answers. and you can tell her firmly to knock it off when she acts out.
khairete
S.

I have a 12-yr old girl too, and I can totally see where the screaming can come from. I unleashed the hormone rage monster just yesterday because I couldn't turn back time and get her home quicker after camp to shower before her next plans occurred. If yours is like mine it can escalate very quickly, and is eventually ended with crying "I'm sorry" to me.

As for the boyfriend thing, like Annette D. said it's pretty much name only right now. Doesn't help your poor daughter, but I think discussions about while it seems like everyone is "dating", the reality is that many boys and girls are not right now. I'm sure she isn't the only one not paired up.

I think that her friend is too young and if her reaction to her friend's dating is to be overwrought and think horribly of herself, then it may be time to find a counselor if she cannot get past this idea that she is ugly because she doesn't have some pimply boys' approval. I would also get her involved in a camp or other activity where her strengths (talent, smarts, kindness) are what matters vs being focused on these kids.

If she is feeling left out, that is understandable, but a boy won't change that. She needs to deal with her friendship. Can you role play with her and help her find the words to tell her friend "I miss you" and "I'd like to hang out with you without discussing boys"?

Though I would love to say it's in name only at 12....sometimes it is not and you may need to consider what this dating thing really means to your DD and her friend and if it's something you should be concerned about. Kids are not just holding hands in some middle schools. I would also take this opportunity, over a course of weeks, to talk to your DD about her self-worth, peer pressure, boys, sex, drugs and rock and roll.

My daughter taught fifth grade for years and was forever talking about the girls - hormones kicking in, feeling bad for themselves and angry at each other - just the whole gamut of emotions.

Your daughter's best friend's boyfriend (that's a mouthful) is, most likely, a passing fancy on the part of one or both of them. Your girl needs to whoa up, back off a bit from her love-smitten friend, and see how long this relationship lasts before she decides it's worth screaming about.

You might also talk to her about the nasty word "JEALOUSY."

This is a time when everybody is comparing him/herself against everybody else. They wonder if they measure up. Measure up to what? Sometimes they don't even know. Your daughter may not realize it, but it's often the most "popular" kids, the ones who seem to have everything going their way, who feel worst of all about themselves... when nobody's looking.

There's still a lot of summer to go. Tell her she needs to use that emotion in a worthwhile manner. She needs to be involved in things - sports, crafts, camping, books at the library, trimming the shrubbery, cleaning the garage, doing roof repairs on the house (well, maybe not that) - things that keep her busy and will even, perhaps, keep her happy, whether she likes it or not. Tell her she must get busy! Growing up means using your body and your brain, not just your feelings. Tell her how *you* learned that (or how her Aunt Bessie learned that, or someone outside herself).

As far as her looks are concerned, let her know that everybody is fighting that battle. She can learn how to do her hair differently or choose her wardrobe, and have fun doing it! But when it's really boyfriend time, a worthwhile boy is going to like her for more than those things. Boys are usually interested in girls (if they're interested at all) who are *interesting* - that is, girls who get past themselves in their own minds, who know how to do things, who like others, and who aren't scared of talking with people. (And the boys are usually not that interesting themselves, if truth be told.)

This lecture is not for your daughter - it's just to give you ideas if you need to use them.

Is this best friend a girl your daughter sees every day? In school only? Outside school, a lot? Do they text and talk on the phone and get on social media with each other? Are they in extracurricular activities together? In other words -- does your child see this other girl way too much and/or spend too much time talking/texting/whatever with her

I ask because a lot may depend on how truly "best" they are as friends. If they mostly see each other at school -- well, here we are one day away from the end of school, and unless the two girls have already booked their summer activities to be together-together-together -- the summer can take care of some of this mess, if the girls are not around each other as much. Ensure that your child has other friends, other outlets.

A busy kid is just not mentally or physically available to get into a ton of drama (unless the drama comes to her, in the form of a best friend who is in her business all summer long). Ensure they are not together much. The other girl may actually be a girl you like, but right now she's not great for your daughter to be around, and is (as someone else rightly noted in another post!) being a bore!

But please, please do not TELL your daughter that "Your best friend is not good for you right now and you and she shouldn't see so much of each other right now." That would be a huge mistake. Your child will almost certainly leap to her friend's defense and perceive your attempt to help her (daughter) as a cruel attack on her friend (even if your daughter is down on her friend at the moment, nothing can spark defensiveness about a BFF like a parent saying "We're going to keep you away from her"). Just make it happen without announcements or lectures. When and if the girls do get together: Be certain they have a specific activity to engage them, rather than having them just hang out aimlessly. That will lead to chatting and drama.

Ensure your daughter is constructively busy. What are her summer plans? Is she in camps or classes? Volunteering? (She's not too young! Check out summer page programs at the local libraries, food banks that need food stacked in warehouses or packed for distribution, whatever.) Do you have major tasks around the house and yard that she can do for pay? (Not everyday chores but bigger ones that you can pay her for, and praise her for a lot -- builds up her sense of achievement.) If you are into church or synagogue or other faith organization or a civic group, get her involved there -- do they need junior counselors or kids to help with summer activities for younger kids? Make sure she spends the summer in a world where (a) she does not have time to be texting and talking with the BFF and (b) her self-worth is all about helping others, or earning money, or learning new things in a camp or class, and not about boys or her friend. This will work much better than any lecture on how "you don't need boys to have self-esteem."

What she is experiencing is pretty normal, and possibly as much or more about her jealousy that this guy is taking her friend's attention away than about her being jealous that the friend has a boyfriend. Your daughter may not even really be able to tell you what this is all about, or how she really feels, and if you ask her how she feels about boys she may give very confused or angry answers. She is at a tough, tough age so cut her a little slack. Unlike some posters who are coming down hard along the lines of "no kid of mine is going to scream until 11:30 at night, crack down on her," I'm guessing that your child wasn't really having a two-year-old tantrum....I've seen girls this age very upset, and yes, very hard to comfort. Be aware that whatever you say to comfort her may be "wrong" and seem to make her angry at you. Tell her she's beautiful and she will insist she is not; tell her her worth is not about what boys think of her and she'll say "I know that, BUT...." and you'll feel you're going crazy. But the best thing you can do is listen and make her feel you take her emotions seriously.

12 is a tough age. I like to compare toddlers to teenagers. You have to teach them how to appropriately express their emotions becuase they have lost their minds. You have to teach/coach her on what is acceptable behavior, regardless of her emotions.

Is your daughter in an activity? After school program? Something that makes her feel like part of a team?

If not, that is where I would start. Extra-curricular activities do wonders for focusing kids so they aren't as dramatic about friendship stuff.
If she's not working out in some sort of physical activity, get her involved in one of those too. A tired kid is a kid that can't be sucked into drama.

As far as do I agree with her friend having a boyfriend.... This is when it begins to happen. It's not "real" in that they don't go anywhere, like on dates. Because they can't drive and usually don't have money...LOL. But they hold hands at school and text etc.

Ask your daughter WHY she wants a boyfriend. WHAT she wants in a relationship and what kind of girlfriend she wants to be. Start conversations about how the boys she dates now will impact her relationships as she gets older.
Ask her questions and then LISTEN to what she says.

Twelve yrs old is too young for a boyfriend. On the other hand, this is where the hormones begin flying.

Does this 12 yr old parents know their daughter is boy crazy.

Keep an eye on your daughter's text messages, if she has that gadget.

Set the rules with your daughter about boys.

Get her involved in activities this summer--Mother's Helper, swimming, etc...

ah, grasshopper, this is what happens when kids ( 12 is a kid, no matter what the media says), are allowed and encouraged to grow up too fast..they get jealous and frustrated because their friend ( who honestly is too young to have a boyfriend themselves) has something they dont have, in this case a boyfriend. you are all of 12, you dont have a boyfriend..big damn deal, kid ..get over yourself. plenty of girls and women a whole lot older then you dont have a boyfriend, and you dont see them bawling their eyes out over it..geesh. that being said, find the kid a hobby that will pull them away from the phone and computer, so they wont be sitting around blubbering over something they are too young for to begin with. sounds also like she is being taunted by a "friend" either on line or over the phone, claiming she is ugly, an even better reason to pull her away from the phone and computer and help her find a hobby or volunteer work. K. h. the problem with young girls believing that the key to popularity is a boyfriend, is that the boyfriend takes full advantage of it. dating a girl or publicly dropping her based on whether she "puts out" or not. better to be a boyfriendless 12 year old, then a 13 year old single mother!unless of course you want to start raising grandkids!

Hi E.:

I understand your dilemma. Our culture is teaching that sex is it.
What you need to do, if you are not doing it, take your children to Sunday School and Church.
What is happening in our culture is this: Parents are failing to take their children to Sunday School and Church, therefore, children are not learning about virtue and morality.

Our Liberty is trod under foot because many people think they are above going to Sunday School and Church. We are a nation under God, but you wouldn't know it today.

Our Church does not have a class for teenagers. Why, because only 1 comes to our Sunday School class. A class of older adults. What kind of life is that for someone who desires to learn to be a God fearing person.
Look at all the violence occurring at a young age.
Look at the behaviors in Schools. Look at the behavior in Parks and Recreation summer camps. We are living in a Jungle. Survival of the Fitness.
This is what I suggest. Take her to Sunday School and Church. Let the Sunday School teacher help her with that problem.
Good luck.
D.

Where is her dad? He is the one that should be spending extra time with her right now. You can only do so much as her mother, but your daughter needs her dad so she won't go looking elsewhere for that bonding.

My dad deserted us for 10 years. I was a mess as a teen. My daughter has a great relationship with her dad, and so far no "boy" issues such as complaining boys don't like her. She's too busy with her friends and other activities to worry about it. I've worked with a lot of kids the same age and I can practically pick out of a crowd the girls whose fathers aren't involved in their lives on a regular basis, or who simply need to be more involved.