13 Year Old Daughter Is Not Making Good Decisions

What Marda said!

I'd call my family doctor/her pediatrician first thing in the morning to get her in for an exam/birth control/STD testing etc and for a referral to a good therapist (preferably a clinic that also has a psychiatrist in case she needs meds too )

I suggest you need to get started with a family counselor to determine what is going on with her and how the family can turn this around.

Did you give her consequences each time she misbehaved or has this all piled up to warrant one big consequence? I suggest that you need help finding a different parenting strategy.

I wouldn't call it making poor decisions. Call it what it is. Disrespectful, deceitful, stealing, just as you described it in your post. Very serious stuff when it's all combined. One expects 13 yo's to make poor decisions. This is more than that.

Assume she is sexually active and take her to get birth control from her pediatrician or Planned Parenthood.

Plan for a way for her earn her privileges back again. Be sure to be as calm as you possible can, show her respect even tho she's not showing you any. Have a family meeting, at which you outline the rules, including her input. Give her a chance to talk about why she is so out of control. Ask her how you can help her.

Rather than banning the boy, I'd bring him into your home so that you can get to know him. Keep him "close" so that you know better what is going on. Supervise all times he's with your daughter. Meet his parents. Get to know them. Talk with them about what is happening.

Above all get into family counseling. This just isn't typical 13 yo stuff.

Yes, A., talking with the school counselor is a great plan.

I worked in a therapeutic group home with 13-17 y/o girls who were placed with the agency because of these behaviors. I can tell you that Intervention now is the key or these behaviors will escalate. Work with a therapist to identify the underlining issues, make sure she sees the GYN, and ensure you follow through with all consequences. Children this age feel powerless and are easily influenced by peers. If you don’t learn the tools necessary to change this behavior then it will escalate. You cannot keep watch over her 24/7. The threat of self injury & potential for running away are red flags that you need to get others involved. Good Luck

When my sister was this age she also did all this stuff too. My sister is now 19 and is still making wrong decisions, she currently lives with my mom and is basically mooching off of her. So I told my mom to have her out of the house and on her own in 6 months since she seems to think she can act like an adult and make adult decisions but doesn't want to responsibility of paying rent or helping out with anything. When my sister was 14 she was sent to a theraputic foster home (Like living with adoptive parents but the real parents are involved with everything and she is still legally the parents child just living in another home with someone who is trained to deal with kids like her.) My sister was caught doing sexual favors just for rides around town, she still smokes weed, she has started smoking cigarets and god knows what else she does. I do know she works part time but other than that I have no idea. Maybe that would be something to think about putting your daughter in. She might straighten her act up. Hope everything works out for you.

Family therapy for the whole family. She is your canary in the mine. She is hormonally challenged and too young to know how much trouble she can get into. Buy her 100 condoms and tell her to use them when she has sex.
I'm not talking out of my head. I sent my 14 year old to our doctor to get birth control. Once they start to have sex you cannot stop it. You can only teach a young teen her age how not to get STDs or pregnant. If they are listening to you how to chose a decent boyfriend. My daughter did.
The lies and the "stealing" of iPods and computers has got to stop. A password she does not know can keep her from using the equipment.

Oh the teenage years, how I HATED them. I went through some tough times with my son when he was a teen. Bad decision making is one thing this is another story. She has some type of pain in side her and she is acting out. My son's issues came from the rejection from his bio father. Even though I remarried a wonderful man who he calls dad (he is 26 now) the rejection he felt from his father really did a number on his self esteem, and self worth. NO MATTER HOW LOVED HE felt from me, my husband it didn't matter. His self image was not good. He reacted to that. This sounds like the case with your daughter. She is reaching out in a very destructive way. You need to get her into counseling ASAP. Discipline alone is not going to work, you need to get to the root of how she is feeling and why. Children cut because they are in pain. My son did it twice and like you it scared the hell out of me. He didn't hide it, he wanted me to see it, it was a call for help!!! I was so afraid he would harm himself and I would never be able to live with that. It took 3 counselors before we found one he could relate to and that helped him. He still has times when he can get down, but now he talks about it. He has the tools now to pull himself through these times and ways to deal with adversity, and challenges. I wouldn't want those years back if you offered me a million dollars so I know how much you are going through right now!! Family therapy is great, but your daughter needs individual therapy right now so hopefully she will open up. I don't think she is going to open up to a school counselor, she needs to talk to someone she can trust and someone that is her own choice, and makes her feel comfortable. Good luck, you in inbox me if you ever need to talk further. I have been here so I don't have the answers but I can be support for you if you need a place to vent. Best wishes to you and your family!!

I was a terrible, awful teenager. I don't feel comfortable going into the details in a public forum, but I was a bad, bad kid for while there. It breaks my heart now, thinking of what I put my mom through. And somehow, through some crazy miracle, I turned out to be this highly respectable adult (I think). Managing editor of a prestigious academic journal. Loving, vigilant mom. Etc.

I recount all this because I can tell you exactly what I needed (though I would have disagreed at the time): Structure.

First of all, if your daughter is acting inappropriately online, disable your internet connection. Disable the function that enables any computer or iPad in the house to access the Internet. Yes, that will be a huge inconvenience for the rest of you, but you have a teenage girl in serious danger here. Do it. If you work from home or something, start working from the library when she's in school. The home computer can be for word processing, and that is it.

Second, for every minute of every day when she is not in school or under your direct supervision, she needs to be signed up for an activity. The key here is that these activities should not be boring or punitive. They should be interesting and engaging, she should have a hand in picking them out, and most importantly, they should be full of good kids -- not the kids she's hanging out with now. She will resist these activities like holy hell. Just tell her, "Either you pick something out, or I am going to pick something out for you, and your personal enjoyment is not my top priority right now, young lady." Super bonus points if you can find her an activity where she helps others. Kids who can't act responsibly "upwards" (toward parents or other authority figures) can often act responsibly "downwards" (toward younger children or animals), and this is key to their finding a constructive place for themselves in society. What's most important here, though, is that it will give her a new crowd of kids, and with enough time, she will start to model her behavior around them.

Finally, when she's home, sit her down in front of her homework. Make sure the stuff gets done, and gets done well. If she starts getting good grades, she will be motivated to keep that up. Good grades are a great motivator to do still better. Bad grades don't work nearly as well as a motivator to improve.

My family DID put me into counseling, and honestly, it didn't do a damn bit of good. I was then, and am today, a private person who resents prying -- even in a therapeutic context. I was just swept up in a bad crowd and didn't have a strong internal compass or good self-discipline. I had been terribly, severely bullied all through grade school, and had never developed the ability to choose my friends wisely, since I'd never really had friends before high school.

Oh, and if there's a concern about her running away from school, notify the school authorities. They may be able to have someone escort her to her first class in the morning and to make sure she's in some kind of structured space during free periods and lunch.

Hope that helps.

Mira

i agree with Marda and second the not banning the boy. I was a good kid but my parents banned my ex from M. when i was 14, he was 18 and that J. made M. want him more. Had they not it would have fizzled out in a few months but since they banned him and all of my friends who knew him (the whole neighborhood) i started lie after lie to be able to go out with friends and eventually i started dating my ex (the boy I was banned from). I would tell your daughter you want to meet him and his parents. Show his parents whats been happening let them be aware and take seps to prevent possible pregnancies and sexual bahviour too. Your daughter needs to learn about protection and std's quick. I agree counseling and family time might do great.

I would get her into some counseling, but not necessarily family counseling. She could use someone to talk to without mom and dad in the room and being reported back to on everything she says. You may need to remove the computers from your house and disable your internet for the sake of your child. If she is having sexual intercourse at this age, I would have to ask where she is that this is happening? You may need to put an end to social outings if she's not where she says that she will be. You need to know where she is and clearly if she's having sex, she can't be trusted to be out unsupervised. Yuu need to keep a very close eye on her, for her own safety. I'm sorry that the teen years are starting off this way for you. My oldest is 16 and I'm about to enter the teen years again in a few months.

I was very deceitful as a teen too, although I never sent pictures or had sexual conversations. However I did sneak out and was drinking. Guess what mom did? She took the door off of my room, took away my cell phone, if I wanted to talk on the phone it had to be on speaker, and she attended EVERY FREAKING CLASS with me and every track practice and softball practice until I earned her and my dad's trust back.
I don't know if that will work for your daughter but it couldn't hurt to try. Her behavior is not normal!! She does need some other kind of help. Get her to a child psychologist and have her see them regularly AND you and your family get into family counseling. Is she in church? I would find one with an active youth group. Does she play any sports? I firmly believe that idleness causes alot of problems. Get her into sports or maybe art classes, 4H etc. Good for you staying up tonight-if that is what it takes to keep your baby safe DO IT!
I would also talk to the parents of this 15 year old boy and inform the mother of what they have been discussing. Also get her to a doctor and have her checked for STD's and pregnancy and possibly get her on birth control. Good luck and keep us updated.

First thing is first. PLEASE go get her on birth control...i dont care if she tells you 100 times she isnt having sex, put her on birth control....its for her own safety. If its the pill...monitor it...

This is not normal behavior for a 13 year old....16/17 year old..maybe. But, 13 is so young!

I would definetly go to a counseler with her and help her to understand the dangers of sex, and talking to people online.

There are sexual predators online that feed on girls like your daughter. I hope you can find a fix soon. Have you thought about church? Get her involved with some better people. Alot of teenage actions has to do with the friends they are hanging out with.

Whatever you do....dont back off....dont give up.....and talk to her....

that seems WAY over the top for a 13yo - i'd speak to a physician asap, her school counselor, private counselor, something - i'd go as far as to looking into some type of therapeutic girls home of some sort - you need to nip this in the bud BEFORE there are some major consequences for ALL of you. oh, and this should be obvious, i would contact the boy and his parents by phone and in writing that he is not to have ANY further contact with her.

Pull the plug on the computer, or lock it up. Additionally, she does not need a phone. my 15 and 13 year were sneaking out at night. I put an alarm on the house. Middle school is very tough on girls and a whole lot has changed since we went to school. Your daughter knows you love her and is being a brat at the moment. Keep on her mom and don't let her know your scared!

After reading your update, it sounds like she definitely has had a lot of negative experiences in the last few years that can easily lead to her acting out. She needs to be in therapy from a professional trained in dealing with adolescents/teens. Someone outside of the school setting who is truly a neutral party with no previous knowledge of your daughter or her friends. There is so much for her to process and she needs to be able to talk it all out with someone who won't judge or punish her.

You also need to sit down and have a serious talk with her about sex, STDs and avoiding pregnancy. Change the password on the computer and put on a lot more parental controls.