14 Going on 30

You should find things he is interested in and spend time with him. For example: My son likes to watch naruto cartoons, I would sit and watch the show with him. So we would bond in his way! I listen to his problems without being judgmental. I would give him advice know how to solve his problems; cause there is other kids who is giving him the wrong advice! Oh I would let him no I loved him and how proud I was that he was growing into a handsome young man! Boys his age have self-imaging problems and are trying to find a place to fit in with their peers!

This caught my eye because our familys seem so much alike, I am 32, have been married for 13 years soon, and have three children. As for the 14 year olds attitude, my 15 year old did this also around that age. He will be 16 in January and he's getting better with his smart mouth, but now we have other problems we are having. Keep talking to him and letting him know how much you love him, don't let him think he can talk rudely to you, or they will go even further with it. Over time Josh has mellowed with his attitude, but I think it's part of what we have to go through. My son and I are very close and I just tell him it makes him and I look bad, when he acts out and he was raised better than that. Just take one day at a time and know it will get better, so they say.

Dear L. M:

My boys are now 19 years old and they went through the same attitude problems at this age, and I too was concerned how it would effect my two younger children. At times it was emotionally hard because we had always been close. I always told them I loved them, but I also talked to them about how their attitude effected everyone. It takes really listening to what they are saying, and not saying. You also need to check into his friends, g/f, and school/extra-curricular activities. With my boys it wasn't that anyone was influencing them, but when they were around certain people the attitude was worse. When necessary they were told they had to stay away from them until they could control theirself. Also, check his room and personal items. Boys are becoming young men, but they need to know if the cross the line y'all will find out and hold them accountable.

We also talked to our younger children and explained to them this was a part of growing up and we love each other through it all. Now that my youngest two are 14 and 17 they remember what their brothers went through, how it was handled, and it has helped them to understand some of their attitudes and mood swings.

The attitudes will pass and you'll be close again - love with accountability worked for us.

How does your husband treat you? You have got to have your husband on your side. If your husband doesn't think there is a problem then there is. Now is the time that your husband needs to intervene. If your husband disagrees with your 14 year olds attitude, he has to talk to him and tell him that the attitude is not welcome in the home. I had to get my husband to agree that my 15 year olds rotten attitude was not acceptable.

Because my husband & I disagreed on my son's attitude in front of my son, he took advantage of that and worse. Once my husband saw that there was a problem and intervened with a little masculine attitude himself, I saw a change in me son. He realized that he couldn't treat me or any one else, any way he wanted. He has actually been a joy to be arround now.
V. P.

You need to command respect. Your son is 14 and that is a hard age, their hormones are raging, their friends are all doing it, and they try to look tough for their friends and it can become a big ugly mess. Sit him down and talk it out, ask him why he is acting the way he is and what the problem is, and try to help him. Then set very specific rules about his behavior and stick to them. Have him be involved in these rules so that he is completely aware of what the guidelines are and what the consequences will be if he does not abide. Kids don't always like rules, but the can appreciate them when they know what to expect. Don't fret over the fact that you feel you are losing him, because that is going to cause you to take his behavior and let him get away with stuff because you are afraid of losing him, when if you do these things you will be more likely to lose him that if you set parameters and stick by them. I know the teenage years are not easy, but they don't have to be so hard if everyone is on the same page. I wish you the best.

My best friend has a 12 year old son in middle school and she has been having the exact same problem and she just stays in his face, not in a negative way, but just honestly what everyone else is telling you, don't tolerate the disrespect, get your husband involved and keep in his face. My daughter is 11 (also going on 30) :) in middle school and I call her from her room about 5 times in a row to "hug and kiss her mother", it actually helps because the 1st few times she's all down faced about it, then she starts smiling and it leads to conversation about what's going on in school, with her friends, etc. She still gets the attitude, but she knows that when I say "Stifle" (Archie Bunker) it's time to stop. My hubby used to not discipline, but after long talks does and that helps too! GOOD LUCK And it will get better!

I remember being 14 and having all the freedom in the world. I wasn't a bad kid but I didn't have srtucture so anything went. What I remember most wanting was acceptance from my parents. They loved me but they either let me do what I wanted or locked me in the house. I had no bounderies. You have to remain firm with your son. His hormones are crazy right now but really he's still your little boy inside. Hug him, even if he doesn't want it. Deep down he really does. Teens are always saying they are so misunderstood by their parents when actually they are the ones who don't understand themselves. This too will pass but you have to remain firm and hold tight to the reigns. He will try and buck you but always remember you're driving this stagecoach! Be firm yet reassurring. Remind him he's not quite a man yet. You still call the shots.

L.,

I will start by telling you this: In the words of my wonderful Grandmother, "If you want to know what your teenagers are doing, your going to have to snoop."

And what I mean by that is know where he is at every minute. He is still fourteen, so of course you have control over this. Be familiar with his friends and their parents. (I remember many times, some of friends' parents were bad influences and I was not allowed to go to their house...they could come to mine, but I did not go there.)

I would also try some family counseling. At this age, you can still make him go. He may not want to open up at first, but if he is comfortable enough with his counseler, he will eventually find that he might even like going. Tell him to think of it as a way to "tell mom and dad everything you don't like about them." That may light a spark in him! (Although it sounds harsh...but everything needs to come out!) You may find the root of the attitude problem. It could be anything from problems at school to depression. (Depression is so common at this age.)

I would also do this: Start a family dinner night. He must participate. Everyone must. Talk to one and other about your days. I know this will be "painful" for him at first, but hopefully he will come around. A counseler can help you. If he does not want to participate, simply say, okay, then you can't have video games or you can't have tv.

I must say, I also concur with Cheryl, in an earlier statement. Love and accountablity. They have to be accountable when you have to "adjust the attitude." But they also need your love more than ever now, even though they'd rather doing anything but show it! Take away video games, take away outings with friends, take away tv...just don't take away the hugs and love.

Last but not least, make sure it isn't drugs or alcohol. I know everyone says "not my child" but you never know. Better to be safe than sorry.

I hope this has helped. If you would like to talk more, please e-mail me. I just can't stress counseling enough.

Take care and God bless, Lee

I dont have a teenager yet, thank God. At this point in there age, you have to teach them about respect. If you give him the "respect" that he thinks he deserves, then you can teach him that you deserve the same respect back from him. It is a very delicate situation. So handle it with care. I wish I could be more helpful.

I think I remember that stage of life. lol, maybe if you spend some more time toghter. Just the two of you?
And if it continues just try not to take it personally, it will pass.

I agree that you need to make sure there isnt something else going on. It is very hard to talk to boys especially at this age, but you can do it. My son is 18 now but we went through this when he was your sons age. I just kept making myself available to talk and telling him that I love him and want to help. Also, just mention how important it is to have a relationship with your mom, he may not want to hear it, but it will stay with him. When my son got older - about 17 he shared with me that he always appreciated how I would talk to him and let him talk to me without judging him. They need to feel like youa re "listening" to them.. Just know that this is just a phase and y ou will get by it.

Hey L.,

I have a 13 year old son as well and we have been through a "small" attitude issue. My suggestion is to keep those lines of communication open. Let him know you are interested in his daily activities and that you love him; however, do not tolerate disrespect. I would sit him down tell him what you are seeing in his changes, give him an opportunity to offer and explanation, then give him the consequences that he will face if things do no improve. I have two older girls (22 and 18) and they were totally different from my son.

Have you checked to make sure there is nothing going on at school? You might check with his teachers just to see if this change in attitude is only at home or if he has "new friends".
This is a hard age. Is he in middle school? Is he involved in a youth group?

Please keep us updated.

D.