2 Yr Old Getting Frustrated

Hello Jessica,

I think this is a normal terrible twos thing. My daughter is almost 2 1/2 and is/was going throught the same thing. It has gotten better as time goes on and what I did is that if she tried to do something and got frustrated and threw something I would pick it up and bring it over to her and tell her we don't throw things and then I would help her with what she was trying to do and say to her, "if you need help just say please help mommy/daddy and then we will help you." That seemed to calm her down and after awhile she would ask more when she couldn't do something instead of throwing it or hitting something or someone.

I hope this helps.

D. K
Mother of 2, a 2 1/2 year old girl and a 6 month old boy.

My son is now three and I remember this stage well. I can understand your frustration .... especially when speghetti goes flying and you get to clean up the mess :) The good news is my son did "grow out of it" although in times of total frustration something may still go flying every now and then. I did two things......depending on the situation...I gave him a timeout and at the end told him why I did, gave him a hug and kiss and told him I still loved him and then asked him to help me either clean up. If I didn't feel it was enough for a timeout (say he threw his cup when he was done) I would pick him up, ask him to help me pick up the cup and show him how to place it nicely on a table or something.

As for frustration with toys when I started to hear him get upset I would tell him to calm down, take a deep breath and that he was smart and it was his toy and he could figure it out or ask me for help.

Eventually....and I can't remember how long honestly.....it just all clicked! Hang in there!

I have found this to be a very natural phase that has a great deal to do with not having the words to express what they think and feel. As your son's vocabulary grows he'll be able to say what he is thinking instead of acting it out. I think my only advice is to encourage him to use his words in these situations, and giving him an alternative for acting out his anger. Stomping a foot on the ground helped my daughter a lot at this age- It kept a lot of innocent people from getting kicked!

My son used to get very mad and scream when he couldn't do a puzzle or something. I consistently tried to sit with him, telling him to try again. You can do it. I wouldn't do it for him, though. Over time, he got much better and I think with age, your son will start to try to work on things until they work the right way (like a puzzle or toy).

As far as throwing fits when it's time to come home from the park, time to take a nap, etc., it's always a good idea to give them a verbal "warning" that a change will occur soon. Kids don't like being plucked from one activity suddenly and sometimes they react badly. So, I just say five more minutes and we're going to leave the park and go home. Then I give the 2 min warning and last slide. Most of the time, he will get into the stroller without much fuss. If you think about it, even adults like to have some knowledge of when things are about to change. I don't like it when I'm just told suddenly I have to go somewhere and have to just drop what I'm doing and rush away.

Just be consistent in your time outs for throwing and be patient and I think he'll get better.

sounds like he is slow to transition. that is, that if he expects things to go one way, and they don't, he gets upset about having to change his plan of action (more upset than other people). one way to work around this is to give warnings. "we will be taking a nap in 5 minutes - when the clock says this, it will be time to clean up" and then repeat at 3 minutes and 1 minute. the same can work with sharing - "in 1 minute it will be time to trade toys." the frustration one is a little more tricky, but you can work around that one, as well, by doing things like picking up the toy and gently reminding him that it's not ok to throw it, and then asking him what was so frustrating, and then working through it with him, reminding him to come to you (or dad or the babysitter, or whomever) when he gets frustrated.

It appears there may be a few things going on. How is his vocabulary? He may not have the words he needs to express himself or tell others what he wants/feels/needs. Continue to say use your words then give him the exact words he needs to use. If he wants a toy and gets frustrated, you say, "Please use your words, please give me the car. And then see if he repeats it as best as he can then give it to him. Also he has a difficult time with transitions. Going from one activity to the next. I find that giving warnings before a transition and explaining what will be happening with that transition is very helpful. For example if you are at the park and it is getting close to the time to leave I tell the kids we will be leaving soon. I tell them they have enough time to go on the slide this many times and go on the swing or whatever because he won't know time. You give him the time so he will eventually be able to gage how long this is. 5 minutes is very short compared to 15 minutes. I also tell them that when we leave we are going home or where ever and this is what we will be doing next. Then depending on how long I initially gave I would warn every 5 minutes. Keep being consistent with all that you are doing so he continues to learn the appropriate behaviors you want to instill in him.

Hi,

Temper tanturums are pretty normal at this age. It is how you respond that will matter. I responded to another mom about another issue, and I will give you the same advice. The more you make it a big deal it is a big deal. Journal about what is happening before the tantrum, to see what his triggers are. Once you have figured that out, then avoid those situations if possiblbe. The second is that one huge misconception about kids is that we assume they know how to behave in certain situations. We(the parents) say no or do time outs and then don't educate the child on what the outcome we want. It is not about punishment. Model for your child the behavior you expect (this make take many, many times). Be specific about your directions instead of saying "no". Example: My child likes the stairs:) I don't use gates because I feel teaching boundaries is important (if I had more children under a certain age-I would think again). Otherwise, I watch the young child constantly, keep them in an area where they can be, and say things like "off the stairs with the child's name". Over time this is hugely effective, it takes much patience. I have an excersaucer. If I need a break or the child is repetitive I put the child in their for a short period of time with some toys to redirect. I hope this helpful.

My son is 2 and he started doing the throwing, hitting and screaming at 18 months. Since then I have been adjusting him more regularly ( I am a chiropractor that specializes in children) and he has calmed down a lot. The reason it works is this....the tantrums are due to an imbalance in the nervous system and the adjustment to the spine, usually the neck and sacrum, help normalize the functioning of the nervous system and brain which naturally helps them calm down. Not only do I treat my son for this but a lot of other children as well and they all have had great results. One childs older sister even thanked me for making her sister nice again. If you want more info let me know.

Susie

It is developmentally totally normal and appropriate. Timeouts are probably not a good solution. When he is frustrated, he needs more love not less love. Timeouts put distance between you and your child. sometimes they work in the short term but in the long term they are detrimental to your relationship with your child. Imagine if you were upset about something and expressed it in the way that you knew how and then your husband or other friend said, you must go elsewhere until you stop expressing yourself. There are some great books such as Smart Love by Martha Heineman Pieper and William Pieper or Unconditional parenting by alfie cohen and some good ones on what to expect developmentally from your child at different ages by Ames and Ilg. When your child acts out, it is better to comfort him and then talk to him about whatever. Also snatching at his age is just what his age does and you should not expect him not to do it.

My 3 y/o is a thrower (he gets it from me, I admit). We are just very very consistent with him. If he throws a toy, the toy is taken away and put in "time-out" until the next morning. It goes on top of the fridge. Done, no discussion, etc. He knows now that if he throws, it gets taken away. Sometimes he WILL test us and throw it. We take it away no matter what. At 3, he knows and there is no warning anymore.

He also has a bit of a temper (another gift from me!). I do understand that he needs to express himself but there are things he can do (hit the pillow, couch, teddys) and things that are not acceptable (hitting people, kicking things, throwing toys).

When he gets very angry (like when he can't figure a toy out). I just say, "Jacob, do you want some help?" He will say "yes" and I ask him to say, "Help, please." It's a way that I can calmly address him and it seems to redirect him to focus on repeating what I say instead of being angry.

Just some ideas. And, To answer the growing out of it. I guess it just becomes something you learn to control. I still throw things - but never in front of the boys. Seriously, it just feels good to me to throw the offending item and hear it crash into something. I hope that doesn't sound bad. Lol. I'm not a violent person (never have raised a hand to my boys or even my dogs). I just get very frustrated when things don't work out. Lol.

Throwing something is a common impulse even for adults in releasing/dealing with frustration and can be appropriate. Help him become aware of the parameters in which throwing something could be used appropriately- eg, into a soft chair, away from other people, etc. Also, help him explore other ways to release his frustration: hitting a pillow, yelling or growling, running around, stomping feet, saying "oh rats," etc.

Frustration is also a natural human response to being controlled, in his case it seems to be resulting from not having many choices and freedom about his food, activities and comings and goings.

I also don't see where punishment/time-out is useful here (though I don't find it useful anywhere :-) see http://www.naturalchild.org/articles/living_with_children... for info about non-punitive parenting). But specifically here, would you rather him stop throwing because he's avoiding punishment, something external and negative, or because you've treated him as someone dealing with frustration in the best way he knows how and you've made it your job to help him find more positive, constructive tools? You have to look beyond the behavior and the short-term to the needs behind it and your long-term intentions about whether you want an internally- or externally-motivated child and eventually adult.

I use to be a daycare teacher....this is totally normal for the age. Encourage your son to "use his words" when he gets frustrated. "Use your words" will become your mantra for a while, but eventually after some time with your encouragement and examples, he will begin to use his words to communicate his frustrations. Hope this helps!