3 1/2 Year Old and Her Own Bed..

Hi K.,
So as not to repeat some of the great words of comfort and advice you've been given, I agree with Deborah L. and Stacey B. I'm an active duty military mom of three boys, ages 4,6 and 11. I used to beat myself up because I wasn't "going by the book". Granted, it will be a challenge for you once the hubby comes back, but if your arrangement is working for you while he's away...then let it be. I've been deployed and have missed my boys to no end. My two older boys sleep in their bed NOW. That wasn't always the case. I've gone through this with all of them and now just my youngest one still climbs in with me and my hubby. I used to try and fight it and he would be so upset--some nights he'd sleep in his own bed but he really wanted to be in ours. One day, a very good friend of ours, she was a Chief Master Sergeant and had been in the AF for 30 years and was a mother of 5 shared her thoughts...she said (with her sweet southern twang), "Honey, children grow up so fast...if they don't mind and you don't mind, then enjoy it. Sooner than you know they won't want to sleep with you anymore and you'll wish they were still young enough or small enough so that they could. You're not crazy...let love guide you...." This wonderful woman retired from the AF 2 years ago and everytime I think about my beautiful angel sleeping next to me...I couldn't imagine him anywhere else. Now, when his foot is jabbed into my rib or my husband's mouth...that's a different story. LOL. Seriously, we just think of the words that were passed on to us that I just shared with you. We deal with it and still get our son into his bed everynight, but if he comes or asks us to go to our bed, we almost always oblige. When my husband and I are tired of it or when we're ready to extinguish "the family bed" we'll do it in our own time and on our own terms...regardless of what the counselors, therapists, or the books or those-who-mean-well-and-are-only-trying-to-help say.

I hope this helps and makes you feel better!

I say, it's ok to want to sleep with your kids. Especially when you are alone. As for getting sleep when they aren't with you, I would suggest a TV in your room, maybe a DVD player. When your kids sleep in their own beds, turn on a nice, comforting movie and enjoy your time alone. But, also, you need to realize that it's perfectly normal for you to want to be with them at night, too. Your family and everyone should feel safe...especially when your husband is away.

Take care.

Because you can't control when and where your husband is deployed, it seems as if you are trying to control your fear through your child. Be careful of transfering that fear to her. You want her to feel secure and safe, but in her own room. When my kids were little, we would keep blankets at the bench below our bed. If they wanted to come in, they could sleep on the floor. the novelty died down after a short period. The most important thing is for you to get some rest so that you are healthy for your kids. Create a routine at home; bath, reading, bed. My kids always enjoyed some music too. Good luck. And remember, TAKE CARE OF YOUR CHILDREN'S MOTHER (you).

It sounds like you have a lot of anxiety about being alone at night. You may need to talk with someone, a therapist type of someone. You shouldn't project your fear onto your daughter. If she wants to sleep in her own bed, great. You should celebrate her independence. But don't put on the tv, the radio with calming music in her room should be enough. The light on is fine as long as it's not in her room (unless it's a night-lite). But please, get some help. When you get help, the whole family gets help since the mom/wife's happiness/unhappiness sets the tone for the whole family.
Good luck.

Hi, I also am often home alone at night with my two small kids because my husband travels so I know what you mean about worrying about safety at night, etc., but I think your anxiety has really gone beyond what's healthy and normal, and I think you should seriously consider seeing a counselor or a therapist to alleviate some of your fears. Your daughters are going to pick up on your anxiety and begin to feel anxious and fearful themselves and that would be terrible. You should also consider getting a security system, like ADT or Brinks, because if you had that it would really help to put your mind at ease as far as intruders or fire, etc. Consider yourself very lucky that your girls are good sleepers and so well adjusted that they feel secure and confident enough to actually want to sleep in their own beds at night, that's a real blessing. Also, get that tv out of your pre-schooler's bedroom!! Kids don't need tvs in their bedrooms, especially a 3 year old, and especially on all night!

Are you OK with the girls out of your room when your hubby is home or do they still stay with you? Perhaps the anxiety you feel with your husband gone is being placed onto your daughters? do you have someone to share your concerns and stresses with while your hubby is gone. I'm sure the base has support groups or counselors to talk with.

If you want to get her into her room while you sleep peacefully it will take some time. You will have to "retrain" yourself and come up with ways to relieve all the stress you feel. Yoga, reading, a bath with soft music before bed. If you are able, get a dog that serve as your family's protector while your husband is away. A dog curled up at the foot of your bed will let you know when things aren't right in the night.

If your Ok with your daughters in your room, then don't worry about it. You know what is right for your family.

Thank your husband for his service and being a hero.

If your bedroom is big enough, put a twin bed right up next to your bed. We have 3 girls & most nights the 7 year old sleeps with us & if one of the others wakes up with a nightmare--or wet, our 9 yr old still wets occasionaly--they come in & sleep on the "little" bed. We have 2 sets of bunk beds, so that each girl has her own bed, but they like to be with us sometimes. We put the top half of one bunk next to our bed & it works great. It even has the side bars so that when they were toddlers, they wouldn't fall out. Besides, they grow so fast, I miss when they were so little & needed us with them always, they are SO sweet when they are asleep...

When I can't sleep because the "big" bed--which is a king--& the "little" bed are full, I just grab a blanket & pillow & head for the couch downstairs, knowing that my husband will hear anything. When our middle daughter was 2 & I was 6 mos pregant with our youngest, she had a seizure in the middle of the night. I had just gone downstairs to sleep on our recliner, maybe an 1/2 hr earlier. He hears her, woke up & came running downstairs with her in his arms yelling for me to call 911. She didn't stop seizing until the paramedics gave her a shot of valium. I know that everyone thinks its crazy to have to have your kids with you, but I like knowing they are safe & I can't know that if they are down the hall with the door closed. If she hadn't been right by him, he wouldn't have heard her. I have know idea how long she would have kept having a seizure & if that would have done serious damage to her brain or not, but I'm glad we didn't have to find out. It also seems that raging ear infections & fevers tend to start in the middle of the night. My oldest spiked a 103 fever one night & I was in the ER with her within a hour to see if I was right--raging double ear infections. I would rather keep them close so that I know they are okay.

Amazingly, our oldest girl, almost 12, mostly sleeps in her room & when I get up to go to the bathroom, I check on her. But even she needs a cuddle sometimes in the night, after a scary dream & with the extra bed, there's always space.

Hope this helps, & for all the people who think having your kids sleep with your will damage your sex life--NOT!! Also, there are a lot of fun places to have sex besides the bed, to add a little adventure to your life...

Hey K.,
Question? Could it be that because your hubby isnt there you dont feel secure and are trying to feel that by using your daughter to fill that void? Just be aware of what youre doing and why, it could easily turn into a crutch for you then could cause problems when your hubby is home. What is it that happened to make you think that the worst is gonna happen? Sounds like you need some peace of mind. Talk to a religious leader or family member you can trust to be honest with you about whats really goin on. Its better to deal with whatever it is then ignore it or put it on a shelf...
God Bless
VR

I can't think of any other animal who sleeps away from its defenseless young. We are all more vulnerable at night when we sleep. Your mothering instincts kick in because you are a good mother. If you sleep better with your babies in the bed with you, then keep them in bed with you. Of course you are all safer if you are together... and it sounds like you are better rested. You can always put your children in their own beds to fall asleep and then scoop them up and bring them in with you when you are ready for bed. It's a wonderful, nurturing thing to snuggle and protect your children at night. Our society puts WAY too much emphasis on keeping children separate and alone. Do what feels right and natural to you.

I was totally understanding until you put you had a one year old. I figured you were conserned about the "baby" but your 3.5 yr old is not the baby, so I don't get why your singling the one child. We still have our 3 yr old in bed, but he was our first born and we can't get him out, or don't want him out (my husband is deployed right now too, there's comfort in having him there).

Hi K.,
I think your kids are doing great, but Mommy is having major anxiety! You may want to seek out a therapist to work out these fears/anxieties...they are irrational and definately disrupting your life. Please get some help for yourself so that this does not adversely affect your wonderful children and homelife any more than it already has. Be brave and face these fears head on so that you can over them and move on :-)
I wish you the best of luck with this!

Lovely, Beautiful K.,
People have been sleeping in family beds for all of our history--except for the last few decades. Sleeping is for feeling safe. Sounds like both of you would rest easier if you were together. Listen to me, please: There is absolutely no problem with your girls sleeping with you!!!! There is a great book called The Family Bed. You used to be able to get it through La Leche League. Not sure of the author but it puts it in great perspective.

Don't torture yourself for convention! That's not doing service to your kids. Follow your own heart. Who knows your family more than anyone else? YOU! I learned from my dad on his death bed that the ONLY thing that really matters in this life is how we treat ourselves and others. Looking back you will not regret helping your children and yourself in this nurturing way at this very difficult time. Do not ignore their cries for help. They are CLEARLY telling you what they need. If we can give our children what they truly, deeply need how better could we possibly parent?

And if you feel you will not get support from other mothers on this...whose business is it anyway? Be still for a moment. Ask your deepest self. You know the answer inside you already. Trust yourself. Follow your heart, Love. I promise you won't regret that.

Deb

I will pray that your husband comes home safe and sound.

Maybe your daughters could each have their own small bed in your room (if you have enough space for that)? That way they would have their own "personal space", and still be within your reach. Good luck and try to not worry so much - it's not healthy ;)

I feel the exact same way when my hubby is working over night. I know it is because of this whole void of not having him there and wanting your kids close "just in case." It makes you feel protected somehow. I try to find ways to relax and ease my worries. (breathing/tension release techniques) My situation of course is nothing compared to yours. I suggest you check with the military and see how other wives are dealing with this (I'm sure there are many.) and see if they have someone you can talk to. Thank you to you and your husband and your family for making the commitment to protect our country's freedom. I appreciate it.

Hi K.,
I totally understand how you feel! My son is going to be 6 years old in 2 weeks and I still have him sleep with me because I like to hear him breathe and because I can't sleep when he's in his room - I keep getting up to check on him and I still use the baby monitor too. I know it's crazy but I can't help it. He likes sleeping with us but he's getting pretty big and I know he'll have to sleep in his own room soon.

I think it is good that your daughter wants to sleep on her own. You just need something to help you get over your fears (I do too). Is there a counselor you could speak with? Would it help to put an alarm in your house which you could set at night? (This helps me!) Could you get a big dog? Is there any way to move your daughter's room closer to yours?

I hope some of these ideas help. I need to work on them myself! Good luck with everything!

Hi K., Once you start a habit letting a child sleep with you, it is hard to break, in your case it is hards for you. It is normal for children to sleep in their own rooms in their own beds. You are letting the fear of something happening control you, and that's why you can't sleep, what I don't understand is if your other child sleeps in their own bed and you are OK, why are you not OK with your 3 year old sleeping in her own bed. You are an Army Wife, which tells me you are strong, so let your daughter sleep in her own bed, and remember this, I care this around with me laminated.It's Ok to check on your kids, my youngest is a 19 year old daughter, everytime I get up to go to the bathroom and night I look in on her, I have looked in on my kids for over 20 years, but i don't lose sleep to do it, I don't know if you believe in God or not, if so, then trust God to watch over your family, and feel secure that he will, and get some sleep, becasue your kids don't need a zombie for a mom, you will be much better for them if you are not tired. J. L.

Fear Is False Evendenc'e Appering Real, I

I apologize that I don't have any great advice for you (I also apologize that I did not read any other responses before responding to you). I just want to tell you how much I admire you and your ability to be mom and a wife to a man serving our country. My husband is gone one night every week and I dread it. Every week I think, how do "military moms" do it. I just want to say THANK YOU to your husband for serving our country and THANK YOU to you for taking care of and supporting your family and your country. I don't know if I could do all of the extra job(s) you do as an army wife and just want you to know that you and all of the families out there representing our country are loved and appreciated and supported.

I understand where you're coming from in terms of fearing your children not being with you. I have realized that I have to just trust God that He will use my maternal instinct and/or the monitor (or something else) to let me know if anything is happening to my son. You cannot live in constant fear AND be functional as a mom (of 2, especially) on a day to day basis (hard to say to someone whose husband is in the military, and whose children are not within arms reach at all times... I get that.) It is called faith. I know it is SO hard to trust God to know what is best for you and your family, but there is such comfort in that.

Also, you not getting sleep because of fear is interfering with your ability to be the best mom you can be. I understand the comfort you are talking about of having your child in the same bed as you...it almost makes you sleep better--the comfort, the warmth, the security--but never quite as well as a good night's sleep ALONE!!! Just know that fostering a sense of independence and security (especially when it comes to sleep) will help your kids out in the long run. And over time, you'll feel it too.

I pray that you and your family will discover what works best for you!!
Thanks again to you and your husband and family!!!

Oh K....we are kindred spirits, my friend! I am a Navy Diver's wife and I do the exact same thing as you. I can keep myself awake all night just going through the "what if" scenarios. My boys are 4 and 14 months. When my husband is deployed, my boys and I "camp" in my room. This way, it is fun for all of us to sleep in the same room. I don't think there is anything wrong with having your children sleeping close to you while your husband is gone. I understand the stress you feel. It is a heavy burden to have sole responsibility for your children's safety while your husband is so far away and can do nothing at all to help you protect them. Our husbands are under a lot of stress, so that puts even more pressure on us to keep everyone safe and sound so it relieves any extra pressure on their lives overseas.
I think the birth of my second son brought on more stress because, suddenly, I have to split myself (I can't run and snatch them both up at the same time). Who do you grab first? I feel like I have done everything I can to prepare for any situation (alarm system, emergency kits, etc.)and will just leave the rest up to God. I think if you just prepare your space & remind yourself that statistics are in your favor re: serious danger to your family, you will rest much easier. Or, maybe just hearing that someone else may be even more paranoid than you will do the trick!! :) Feel free to email me. We can compare notes! :)

Start by inviting other army moms over to hang out with you. this might distract you enought to let time pass enjoy your free time. do you scrap book? try it you might just enjoy all the added free time. after your friends leave. go out and buy a soundscapes cd and play it that might help you as well. Please understand it is normal but you not sleeping can cause you health problems. Trust me when I say it you don't want that. let them sleep in there own beds. Go out and get a body pillow spry it with some of your hubbys Cologne or aftershave. snuggle all night it will help you to feel more safe. Hope it helps Krissy

You sound pretty stressed out. How about seeing a therapist to help you with this?

get a good book to read in bed, it will make you sleepy, we all go through this the fear of something happening to our kids, making sure we do everything to protect them, something triggered this in you, maybe another sad story you heard, something is making you cling to your daughter for comfort it might be hubby gone to. And sleeping alone is bugging you. Make sure you have the smoke alarms, window locks, door locks make sure you feel secure in the house, but mom if all possible her bed is best and yours is best, except for special treats or if she is sick..

you need to make your self really tired before bed and remind your self everything is ok, say a pray for protection, you want to be careful your not starting a sleeping diorder with your self, OMG they are hard to break.. !!

Hi K.. My name is E.. My husband and I have 2 beautiful girls, one is 3 yrs old and the other is 1 1/2 years old. We both believe in attachment parenting and so have never followed the general or more accepted route of having our babies sleep separately from us. They both sleep in our bed from the time they were born. And, the one time older daughter fell asleep in her room (which is availabe when she's ready), I didn't get much sleep either as I constantly worried how she was, if she was still there, all the stuff you can think of. She woke up and went back to our bed in the middle of the night and that's the only time I fell deep into sleep, knowing she's again within arm'slength. So, I understand your dilemma. You are not crazy. They are these young for so short of a time that I cherish every day that I wake up next to them. If your daughter wants to sleep on her own bed, I would suggest bringing that bed into your room, or some other form of sleep mattress. This would be a compromise. Good luck! And by the way, I totally agree with Debra L's response. Way to go!

I can understand your anxieties.... it is hard when a Hubby is away...much less deployed... I think you are "fearing" being alone with your children and the vulnerabilities of that PLUS worrying about the safety of your Hubby too...but since you are home with your children, by yourself... you are being/feeling extra vigilant about it. Nothing wrong with that... just make sure, you do not "create" anxiety in your children as well...

I don't mean to sound trite... but would having a pet dog add more "assurance" to you and your family especially when your Hubby is away? Many times, a pet dog will "protect" the children.... and family. They stand guard and have extra sensory perception.

Also, perhaps in your neighborhood, there are other military wives? Or if your neighborhood is family oriented... perhaps having a "neighborhood watch" kind of thing, would help in making everyone feel better, especially at night when you are home alone with your children. This can really aide in keeping a neighborhood "safe" and the "everyone looking out for each other" kind of assurances. Where I live, there are many neighborhoods that have these kinds of neighborhood watch groups... and it really helps in "knowing" that your neighborhood/home are safe-er.

When my Hubby is not home at night, due to work...he too worries about us and our "safety." This is normal... perhaps your Hubby can understand that.

Perhaps, is there a support group for wives of the deployed? This may help just to vent and to feel more confident about it all, and provide some emotional support. If not, maybe you can create a group?

Also, there are "safety" things you can get, which you put on your door knobs or windows... and if someone touches it, it sets off an alarm. Perhaps these kinds of gadgets will help make you feel better, per safety of your home & children. If you look on Amazon.com and put in the search word "door alarm" or "home alarm" many types will come up. It's a good investment.

Just some ideas. All the best to you... and BRAVO to you for handling all that is on your plate... Military wives are to be admired for all that they do...big hugs to you!
~Susan