3 Year Old Boy Who Turns Everything into a "Weapon"

B.
Boys tend to have everything be a weapon but some are a little more aggressive about it. I have a rule that if the other person does not have a weapon you may not shoot them. This rule applies to wherever we are school, playground any place. Also set him to play lasers/ guns at appropriate times with you and with friends and remind over and over that school is not the place.
There are times to have a gun battle and they are fun! Good Luck!
J. O
mom to five

My boys made guns out of legos! This is totally appropriate behavior for this age and like the other moms said, I would be concerned about the preschool for treating it otherwise.

I did notice a difference when I limited watching some of the cartoons like power rangers where they physically fight the villian instead of just blasting them with some weapon. When my oldest watched the power rangers he would try out their moves on the rest of us! As soon as I banned that, I noticed a difference in behavior.

My question for you is how is he using toys as a weapon? If he's just holding them up and saying "bam bam" really that's not a big deal. If he's chucking them at another kid, that's a problem. It sounds like he's doing the first, so I would talk to the school and ask what exactly they deem as inappropriate behavior. There could be a list of things he and the other kids shouldn't do that you don't even know about.

M.

As a culture we've tried very hard to de-weaponize things, raise kids gender neutral, etc. To a kid a banana turns into a gun, heck we used our hands! It's normal behavior and I think the school is a little out of whack. Their job is to teach the kids what is and is not acceptible behavior, not make you feel like there's something wrong with your child because he has a wonderful, active imagination! Boys have it ingrained in them to be heroes, why would we want to deprive them of acting like one? Especially as you said he doesn't hurt anyone, he's just playing! Our culture needs more heroic boys and men!

As an asside, I read a wonderful book that I think all moms would do well to read, especially moms of boys. It's called "Save the Males" it's a frank look at what our culture and the battle of the sexes has done to boys/men in recent years. When I say it is frank, I mean very frank. I got it at the library and couldn't put it down. I'm no sheltered woman and some of it really shocked me. The author is a journalist and really does a good job of reporting the facts without being political.

D.
A little about me:
I'm a SAHM of 3, with one son grown and one in diapers, and a daughter starting puberty (help!) and am an Air Force Veteran.

I do think it is extreme for the preschool to kick your son out because of just this problem. That being said, I am sure they have good intentions and are just trying to enforce the policies that keep all the kids safe. If you love everything else about the preschool then I would try and make an effort to get your son to understand that this "play fighting" behavior is not allowed at school. This is pretty normal behavior for a little boy. My daughter likes princesses and loves to pretend that she is being saved by the prince from the evil witch. This is no different. Role playing is completely normal and doesn't mean he is going to be some kind of serial killer when he grows up. In my own daycare, I discourage this roleplaying where the boys or girls are trying to shoot eachother and such because it can get very agressive quickly and I don't want a child to get hurt. When one of the boys takes out their pretend "laser", I simply say we don't pretend to hurt our friends here, that play isn't allowed at my house in a serious voice. No yelling or anything. Then I'll usually suggest some other kind of pretend play like, "why don't you pretend to be a superhero and rescue the princess from her tower or a cowboy and ride your horse" I think your son is old enough to understand there are different rules we need to follow everywhere we go. You have your own House rules at home and preschool also has rules. Just as I have rules that the kids must follow at daycare. I don't think you will be doing your son any favors by yanking him from preschool and letting him think that if he doesn't like a rule then mom will just take him somewhere else so he doesn't have to follow it. I am sure there are rules at the school you work at too and they are there for the well-being of all kids involved. I think he can watch transformers at home and pretend, but also know that is something he plays at home and not at school. I am sure as a teacher you can understand it is good for him to see that sometimes we have to play by the rules, even at 3 years old. =)

What blithering nonsense!!! Men have been hardwired to protect and provide, and it seems our overly-feminized culture is doing it's very best to de-masculinize our boys! And we wonder why we have a whole generation of confused, passive men! Obviously, hitting or hurting should never be tolerated in any way, but this is not aggresive behavior- it's imaginative play. Regardless of your pre-schools decision, I'd look for a new one immediately! I can't speak to the specifics of "Transformers" as my kids are older and I've never seen it. But I highly recommend the book "Bringing up Boys"- it gave me a whole new perspective and appreciation for what it means to be a boy or man in our culture. I'd also recommend a site called Vision Forum. Here's a link: http://www.visionforum.com/boysadventure/about/ Blessings to you as you work through this issue, and raise your little man.

If this is the only behavior issue, I would seriously worry about the competence and capability of the teachers at this school. Are they that incapable of managing a classroom? You may be better off in an environment with teachers who are a little more confident of their own abilities and more experienced in dealing with normal boy behavior.

In general, I'd work this summer on "use your words" instead of angry gestures. I wouldn't forbid the guns or cartoons, but I would insist on any play being imaginary only - no pointing guns at real people. (if he makes a mistake, he loses a cartoon - use it to your benefit instead of banning it!) Don't forget to praise great behavior, too - maybe give stickers or whatever reward system works for you to notice his good behavior.

You are doing everything right. Do your best over the summer to teach appropriate behavior (just as you would any other negative behavior). Don't worry too much, and don't begin to see your son as a naughty boy. As he get older, her will begin to understand the seriousness of violence. At this age, he just wants to play.

My son has 2 older sisters and no one in our house ever showed him how to "die" or "shoot" or "grenade" anyone. The first week of playing with the neighborhood boys, you'd think he had joined the Marines. So much for my sweet boy who'd never been exposed to anything. He is still an angel and would never hurt anyone, but he sure loves to make shooting sounds and fall to the ground.

We cannot protect them from the rest of the world (and other peoples parenting) but we just need to do our best and teach them what is appropriate and what is not acceptable.

On the same type of idea, my oldest came home from her first week of middle school hearing every swear word known to man. My protection and her innocence was gone on one bus ride. We do our best and keep teaching our kids what we expect of them.

Get a new preschool where they are aware of developmental sequences of male kids. The job is also to "teach" and shape student behavior as well. If they react or overreact so strongly to you, imagine the messages they are sending to your son. He doesn't need that!! My son watched Wall-E and turned things into guns after he watched it without ever watching anything but a Disney movie. He is normal like many boys who are out there! Good luck!
T.

i would ask the school to tell you more about why it is such a problem. this can help turn it into a great opportunity for your son to develop understanding that other people have feelings/ideas that are different from his own. instead of just telling him it's not allowed at school, you can talk about why - sometimes the pretend shooting really scares other kids or hurts their feelings. or maybe it really pushes a teacher's buttons - i think it is ok to tell a kid that it really upsets his teacher so he just can't do it because it's not ok to do things that are so upsetting to someone else.
the other thing that i would do is tell him where he can do it. maybe he can only do it at home, and if he does, he has to ask the person he's going to shoot before he does it. when he forgets, you can remind him in a positive way - remember, shooting is an at home game or use friendly hands, please or did you ask billy if you could shoot him. instead of just saying no.
if he does it out of anger, give him some words for his feelings so that he can express them that way instead of by shooting.
and yes, this behavior is normal, and so is your son, but just because it isn't physically hurting someone doesn't mean that it isn't a major disruption at school. it is obviously causing some sort of severe disturbance that your son is probably completely unaware of.
obviously he is going to need a lot of practice and support bc he's a preschooler and it will be so tough to stop this behavior. show him some compassion and tell him you know how much he loves doing it and how hard it's going to be. i would limit his viewing of the show and just tell him, you can watch it 1x per week or whatever you decide bc i know how much the show makes you want to pretend shoot and it's so important that i help you learn to only do it where it is appropriate. then let him pick something else to watch instead. come up with other things he can do, play. teach him a few finger plays and songs that he can do instead of shooting.
in the end, maybe you will decide you're unhappy with the school's perspective on him and the shooting behavior, but i still think it's valuable to teach him when it's acceptable and most important, why.

Ditto Ditto Ditto to the other responses concerning finding a different preschool. We have 2 girls and even they turn everything into swords and weapons.

I can understand your frustration! It's just typical behavior and I don't think there's anything wrong with it except when it's inappropriate. I can't believe the preschool wasn't willing to work with you more on it! However, I do understand that when one kid does something they kind of "teach" the other kids to do it too and the next thing you know you have a problem.

If I were you, I'd sit your son down and explain that there are certain places he can't pretend to have any guns or "shoot" something he's pretending is a gun. Site school and other public places. Make him repeat back to you those places. Give him all kinds of scenerios and have him answer. You could say "you're playing with your friends at school and one of your friends tries to pretend to shoot you with a gun, what do you do?" or "you're playing at home and you want to pretend to shoot your stuffed animal. Is that OK?" You could make a rule that he can only pretend shoot an object or pretend bad guy AT HOME, never a real person. I find that rule to be effective with little boys.

I do this with my stepdaughter and it works better than just telling her she can't do something. I have to really make sure she gets it, and the only way I can do that is to give her scenerios and have her answer.

Also, you can let him know where it's OK for him to do this (like at home.) Trying to get rid of the behavior all together is absurd. Let him know he will receive a consequence if he doesn't listen.

Next year at age 4 he'll be better able to control himself and better understand that different places have different rules. I think if you continue to work on this over the summer you'll be fine!

Dear B.,
I hear your concern as I am also the mother of a son, as well as a child and adolescent therapist, however if you start by taking away his shows you may as well not let him watch television at all or put him in a plastic bubble. In todays society it is literally impossible to watch television without some sort of violence or unsuitable material including cartoons and children shows. My son as a young child also mimic being a power ranger and shooting weapons. My personal preference was to not allow him to have toy guns or weapons of any sort. I discussed with him and his friends even during horseplay that they are never allowed to aim weapons at each other, even imaginary ones. Sometimes curiosity for weapons can be channeled positively. My nephew had an uncontrollable fixation with guns. Unfornately when in six grade a classmate brought a loaded gun to school and showed it to my nephew. My nephew with his curiosity handled the gun and it accidently went off in a halfway full of grade school children, severely injuring two students. While my sister was unreachable I got to the school first and retrieved my truly shaken nephew and took him to the police station. At that time I had a heart to heart deep discussion with my nephew and discussed the terrible dangers of guns which I guess my sister had never discussed with him. You see she had no problem with him playing with toy guns and I think that fueled the curiosity. Now my nephew who is now 32 carries a gun everyday and is employed as a Chicago Police Detective. Since I couldn't get him to stop liking the idea of guns. I taught him that if you must have one it will be to protect people. So talk to your son, but dont overwhelm him because he is still very very young and keep the toy guns and toy weapons away, but not television. Good luck and let me know how it works out.

My husband is a police officer and avid hunter. My children have been exposed to guns since birth...while our boy is still too young for this behavior...they girls have also tried to "shoot" each other....my husband is adament(sp?) that you NEVER EVER pretend to shoot a person...with a real or fake gun. They stopped and have not done it again....I am not sure where you go with this...will taking away the character stuff he loves help him to stop it. No cartoon to watch...or he can earn the show by earning stickers for not doing this at school? Good luck! I am a teacher too...sometimes I think we can over react as adults...he is little and just being a kid!

First off- that is the silliest thing I have ever heard. Kicking a child out of class for not being violent and normal. By the way, it is typical behavior. I would look for another preschool. Alghout I understand "No Tolerance" policies, but they also have to be reasonable. A 3 year old playing cowboys and indians or transformers is normal. He is not hurting anyone. Do they want him to put on an apron and play house? It's your money and your child. WIth the economy the way it is it is my understanding people are pulling their kids from childcare/preschools due to finance. I say don't punish your child for being normal- take him out and find him a better preschool. If you are friends the other mothers- share your thoughts. They too may want to pull their children. Secondly, give your son a big hug and kiss and tell him how much you love him for his wonderful imagination and what a good kid he is. Don't let some small minded preschool let you or your child think he is bad for being Normal, Imaginative, and loving.

Honestly, do not worry about your son's behavior too much. Perfectly normal. What you do need to worry about is the pre-school's behavior! If I were you, I'd look for another pre-school RIGHT NOW. There are lots and lots of them out there...ones that work WITH children, rather than trying to force all kids to behave as THEY (preschool) see fit.

The same thing happened to me, only I continued to send my son to the school that threatened to boot him. In hindsight, I wish I would have pulled him out at the first hint of problems. They ended up treating him very poorly, and only after 8 months of "torture" did I finally throw in the towel and place him elsewhere. At his new school his behavior is 100% better. Turns out he was acting out because he was experiencing much anxiety about the school setting he was in, and how he was treated. And since little children can rarely express those emotions using language, they "act out" as a way to express what they are feeling. Please do look into other preschools....there IS one out there that your son will not only love, but he will thrive.

One last note....my son too loves to pretend everything is a weapon. He loves to watch dinosaur DVDs where the dinosaurs fight. That's his favorite part! There is no fighting at our home, since I'm a single parent and I have no one to fight with! My son is just "all boy" and loves rough-n-tumble boy things. I hardly ever yell at him, nor do we fight w/each other, so it's gotta be in his genes.

Hang in there...
D.

Yikes! Have they given you any prior warning? Have they tried disciplining him?
I can't believe that they would just immediately straight out give you that ultimatum!
Although it wouldn't hurt to curb this behavior, their reaction seems a little over reactive.
Have you been in the class and witnessed his behavior? Is it worse there than at home?

Good Luck!
S

Hi B.,

Sounds to me as if it's the teacher who is out of control. I promise he's not the only boy using everything as a weapon and furthermore, I think your son's behavior is normal boyness. Both my sons did it though no guns were allowed in our home -- I even took away the Lego pirate's blunderbuss -- and both are now peaceable, responsible adults.

Why don't you set up a conference with the teacher and ask for specific incidents when your son's behavior has resulted in injury or whatever? If there are none, take it upstairs. I suspect the teacher wants to uproot the boy who discovered sticks because he'll influence all the other boys and she doesn't want to deal with it.

You may want to start scouting other preschools now. Even if you love this one, they don't appear to love you back.

Good luck and stand by your son! Yes, you absolutely must discourage the behavior, but no, you have not slid into ultraviolence.

Mama S.

I have a 3 y.o. son also, whom has NEVER watched any of those shows and stills turns everything into a sword or gun. I know that this is normal behavior and I'm shocked and upset for you that the preschool has threatened disenrollment. If your son isn't hurting anyone, what's the problem? Does it annoy the teacher? Too bad! It's completely age appropriate play for boys, even though we may not like it. I know I can't stand when my son "shoots' at me when he's playing or angry, but it's a form of expression. 3 y.o. still don't have all the language capabilities we think they should. I guess I would say work with your son on not playing this way at school, but also get done to the bottom of this with the director. Maybe you'll decide you don't want your son to go there anyway! Good Luck.

Although I can't really give you advice on how to stop the behavior I just wanted to second the moms who said it is normal behavior. My son is 2 1/2 and has not seen those shows but does things like that. In the end HE IS A BOY!!! I have a 3 1/2 girl as well and there are definate differances between boys and girls. My girl does some of that, but not as much. A rule growing up in my house was to never point a gun (pretend, we never had real ones around) at someone or yourself. We went and got our kids some nerf guns and they love them. We supervise their play with them and make sure they don't point them at someone.

I agree with some of the other posts that if your child isn't actual violent and just pretending to have a weapon that kicking him out seems extreme. My son watched Batman, Spiderman, and Power Rangers and we never had any issues. Boys probably since before TV was invented liked to play with toy guns. I agree we need to keep our kids safe but people are being way too sensitive.

This is totally normal behavior and I am surprised at the preschool giving such an ultimatum. When my son was in preschool, all the boys did something along the line of toys as weapons. When I was little, our finger was a gun so nothing has really changed except the extreme zero tolerance levels. Anyway, the preschool teachers worked with the kids to know what was appropriate. The only time someone was "banned" was at an individual's house which I totally understood.
I agree with the suggestion to sit him down and try to get him to understand what is appropriate and where.