3 Year Old Tantrums - Kansas City,MO

Three IS often harder than two. Your daughter is a literal child-- most are. You said "I can't carry you because I've got these other things" so she modified her expectation and waited for you. She did try, but it wasn't the result you wanted. Be more clear next time in saying "I want you to come downstairs with me now". No 'reasons' or 'explanations' because they can often clutter the conversation. In this case, your daughter was focused on accommodating your need to carry things and so she expected to be carried afterward.

I could write a book on not letting your child's tantrums control your actions or how you parent. I have seen one family in particular whose child runs the show from wherever the child sits, screaming. The child has the parents to the point of nearly-infantalizing them because if they don't like what's going on, all the kid has to do is scream and cry.

Interestingly enough, this child did not do that with me because I would put the child in a quiet place and tell them firmly "you must sit here until you are finished screaming. When you are ready to do X, come and find me." Then, I walk away. No negotiating, no trying to talk the child into doing what I ask, nothing. This kid was a screamer with me at first-- would just sit on the floor and scream for me from across the room-- because the child had everyone at home trained. By our second day, that had stopped.

Kids who tantrum for attention or to control a situation need us to do what seems impossible: to turn a blind eye and LET them rage in a safe place. To be consistent ("You need to walk down the stairs now. I'll wait for you down here." and then sit at the bottom stair and not look up until she's come down. Or take her back inside and put her in her room. "Come out when you are done crying and ready to go down." ) Staying emotionally neutral--at one of the most difficult times to do so-- is going to be your best tool. If kids can see us getting upset and hooked in, they will draw the drama out longer.

Here are some things I consider before getting to a tantrum point:

1. Don't give a direction you can't enforce. For example, if you are wanting to avoid a tantrum in public, then that might be the time not to dig your heels in, but to instead anticipate how things *might* go. Then, this might look like:"Do you want to walk down with me, or would you like to wait so I can carry you?" If the stairs were, say, at the zoo, this would be more helpful than giving a direction she typically declines. There's nothing wrong with picking your times to put your foot down and deciding that this time isn't one of them.

2. When you do decide you want her to follow through with a request like coming down the stairs, be prepared that she'll protest. Take a magazine or something with you for YOU to do at the bottom of the stairs. If mommy's not watching her or getting upset, suddenly the fact that she's at the top of the stairs and you are not is HER problem, not yours.

3.Thoroughly consider her request before you decide yes or no, and then follow through. This will save you a lot of trouble, just a minute or two to think about it. Once you have said "no" to whatever she's asked, then that's your decision and you stick with it. It's one thing to change your mind if she's being agreeable and you realize "you know, I do think it's okay", but if she's tantruming, screaming or crying to get what she wants, this is not the time to say yes to make her stop. This is how parents 'train' their kids to manipulate them-- they let the kid think it works to cry and scream. It shouldn't work.

4. Remember, some of the things that come up are problematic with how WE parent, and some problems are the child's. If a child does not want to be safe, follow family rules/social rules (safety, taking turns), or otherwise comply with what's the 'norm', then that is *their* challenge to master their emotions and anger. We do better by not butting in and trying to make it better for them. If we get ourselves into a spot, we have to recognize it (so as not to make the same mistakes-- just like you did by posting this) and then figure out how to move through the moment. But it's good to know what's contributing to the situation.

Good that you are asking this question, sorry it's so long, but tantrums are rarely a "just do this" sort of thing. Little ones will tantrum for two reasons, primarily: either due to frustration ("my blocks keep falling over") or to influence an outcome ("I want you to pick me up"/"I want some ice cream", etc.) Know the difference and treat them appropriately. With consistency, it does get better. It takes time, but it really will. :)

My son (4) doesn't do this so much, but my daughter (2.5) will pull this nonsense every once in awhile. I ignore it for the most part and say something like, "Oh, I am so sorry, but I have all of this stuff in my hands and I can't carry you right now. Can you help, momma out right now?" She may cry for a bit, but we just keep on going upstairs. She gets tired of being downstairs by herself. Her audience left! Sometimes she will ask for juice and the second I pour it into her glass, she wails that she wanted milk. I refuse to make the switch once it is already in the glass or get a second glass for her. I usually sit it on the counter and just say, "Well, if you get thirsty enough, you can have your juice." and I walk away. She may cry for a bit, but it usually doesn't last if I ignore the behavior.
If she does continue to cry and I have had enough, I scoop her up and put her in her room. I tell her she may come out when she is done screaming and crying. That usually does the trick. In fact, it has gotten to the point now we can say, "you need to stop crying or you will have to go to your room."
She can usually get herself under control.
The other day she wanted a piece of bread. I gave her half of a piece and she threw a fit. I laid it on the counter and said she could have that much or none and walked away. She kept following me around, throwing her fit until she saw her brother with his mouth stuffed with the piece of bread she didn't want. Now she realized she should have taken it while the getting was good. She had calmed down by this point and I asked her if she would like to have a half piece of bread now. She said yes and the ordeal was over.
A lot of this kind of behavior is attention-seeking. Ignore it when you can, but hold her accountable for her actions when necessary. Jim Fay's Love and Logic books stress this kind of empathetic, neutral way of reacting to kid drama. They also teach fabulous methods in which to share control by giving kids choices (that are reasonable to you) and using natural consequences to help them see which decisions make sense and which ones don't. I have used them as a parent and teacher. It is very sound advice that grows with kids into adulthood.
HTH,
A.

You usually get either one or the other; Terrible 2's or Terrible 3's.

We had the lovebug 2's and terrible 3's at our house.

So you know... each and every time you give into a tantrum, you've reset the bar. Both in how long they will last from now on, and in the volume/type.

It's not a conscious thing kids do... it's a HUMAN thing. It's the concept of "Random Reward". It's the foundation of gambling, speeding, abusive relationships, gold stars, throwing candy to children (or college students) for right answers, a high score to beat (athletes), getting "caught" doing something well...

Our brains are WIRED to seek out reward. Consistent reward does nothing for us, neurologically speaking, nor does random punishment (because random punishment *actually* equals random reward! RANDOM reward (sometimes, sometimes, this time???) makes us push for it, strive for it, keep trying.

It's a brain development thing... and it happens either around age 2 or age 3.

That's why everyone always says "consistency, consistency, consistency" in regards to discipline. The moment you start giving in, you're creating a reward (they get what they want), and you've set the bar for them to meet for the next *SEVERAL DOZEN* tantrums.

There's lots of sayings kids learn:

"You get what you get and you don't throw a fit" is a common one.

In our house it was :

"If you whine; you don't get what you want. If you throw a fit; you don't get what you want AND you go on time out."

EACH and EVERY time. Scooped up, and on timeout.

Whatever your discipline method... EACH AND EVERY TIME. Consistency.

Do random reward on GOOD behavior, and consistent discipline on bad behavior.

Know it takes MONTHS to negate having earned a reward for a tantrum (being carried down the stairs, getting something from the store, whatever) before she won't do that again.

LOL... how well are OUR kids at 2 & 3? Honey. It's called "Terrible" for a reason.

Something that helped me was the realiziation one day as I kicked a footstool.

Getting emotionally invested in an argument with a child is like getting emotionally invested in an argument with a piece of furniture. We all do it from time to time, but it's usually regrettable. And it shows poor grace. Afterall... they can wail, and flail, and be upset as they want... but what I say goes. Period. Those are some god-like powers right there. When someone has NO CHOICE, I may as well be gracious enough not to compound "You're GOING to do it, whether you like it or not" with being upset about it myself!

I feel it helps to think of this as a relationship issue and your daughter is struggling to identify roles and needs you to help her learn both who you are and who she is in this relationship. If you have a clear understanding about this, it is much easier to demonstrate it and to do so consistently. It really is magic if we have a clear understanding and if we develop language skills for mentoring our children about the responsibilities we have toward each other in the family. A child needs to learn what his or her contribution is to each relationship.

The book, The Family Virtues Guide, was the most golden tool I found as a parent. I wish I had read it before my son was born, but it had not been published yet. He was 7 before we discovered it. But, what I learned implementing virtue language in our home is something I use with many a 3 and 4 year old in my work. It is magic!

I do not find spanking to have the best results, but neither do I like the time out method. I like the 'find the power' method. Poor behavior is the result of not using our potential power of virtue. We behave badly when we are trying to do something forcefully rather than powerfully. Think of the difference in terms of Hitler and Gandhi. Both wanted something to change. Hitler used force and Gandhi used the power of virtue. In parenting, force is the attempt to control via external motivation. In other words, we teach our children that their behavior either pleases or displeases us. But, if we learn to ask a child, "How does your dignity feel about that?" or "Did you forget to use your courtesy? I wonder why courtesy seems to have fallen asleep. I wonder how we can wake that up. How would that sound if your kindness and respect chose your words?" Language like this helps the child learn to be aware of their inner and noble motivations from within.

The problem with using the "This pleases me and that displeases me" method of parenting, whether spanking, time out, or some other consequence is employed, is that the children learn this method of controlling and manipulating the behavior of others and they mirror it right back to us by trying to control us the same way. They make sure they know if we displease them and keep expressing it until our behavior alters in a manner that does please them. This becomes a power struggle in which either the parent or the child becomes diminished.

What most of us rarely understand is that obedience is also a virtue, just as is respect, courage, kindness, humor, and intelligence. In the situation you describe, for example, I would have first addressed how the child was offering her mother a demand rather than a request. I would not have given the child an explanation of why I could not 'obey' her command to carry her by saying that my arms were full. I would have first said something more like, "It sound like you want to pretend you are a baby again and remember what it felt like when you could not walk and Mommy carried you all the time. If that is what you want you can ask me respectfully to play pretend with you when we get downstairs. Or, if you would like to play something more grown up, you could help me carry some of this when we get down the stairs. (Of course, some children are simply frightened of stairs or they may simply be tired, etc.) The important thing is to help the child to understand that it is Mommy's job to educate, nurture, and protect the child and it is the child's job to obey Mommy. When the child makes a demand and that demand is not met, they are likely to follow through pushing that demand with tantrums or some other manipulative attempt to accomplish their goal.

If we remember that children continuously seek to understand relationships, their role those relationships, and how to influence their environment, we will more readily understand that a demand of any kind is an attempt to reverse the roles and get the parent obeying the child. If we give in to that control, we not only disempower our own role in that relationship, we place a stressful burden on the child who is now stressed with a sense of responsibility to guide the adult.

I once heard a very good parent say to a child, "I see what you are doing and it is making me angry." It was said in a very moderate voice in order to give the child the opportunity to change her own behavior. But, it was still using external motivation and telling the child that she had the power to control Mom's emotions. I would have rephrased it to say something more like, "I see you are being playful without respecting boundaries. I will not choose to use my patience for that. You can choose to use your respect while you play or we can trade the toys for a book to read or color."

It really is all just learning how to assert your role as parent and mentor consistently as an affirmation of a safe and loving relationship, making clear choices, and guiding your daughter to use the power of choice.

Keep in mind that we often do not hear what the child is really asking for. If I forget to pick up something my child wanted while I was shopping and the child over-reacts, it is likely that the child does not understand that I have a thousand details distracting me and it was an unimportant item. It is more likely that the child has interpreted the situation as meaning that I forgot the child and that the child is unimportant. In that case, the child needs to be re-assured and then guided to express his/her emotions respectfully. Spanking, time-out, letting them cry it out, or any other attempt to shame or deprive the child are not methods I have ever found to have the best results.

Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campell Matson. My 3 kids, 5 and under, are very good, do not tantrum or boss me around, and I take them everywhere. You could swap in something equally effective to the swats since you don't believe in them for those parts. The general program is about as no nonsense and efficient as it gets and worked awesomely for us. But honestly, if you only believe in time outs, you're probably not going to stop the tantrums, just delegate them to a different place until she outgrows them, but that's better than giving in. Even my most diligent time-out giving non spanking friends, very versed in how to negotiate things just right to head of some tantrums, still have tantrum machines until about age 5 (one has a seven year old still tantruming regularly). But don't give in, that will teach her to treat you very badly.

Well, the more you give in like you did, the worse it's going to get. It does get better, but you have to stand firm and not let her manipulate or badger you into doing what she wants. You've gotten fabulous advice so far.

My daughter turned 4 years old in August and she's about as well-behaved as you can reasonably expect a kid her age to be - she's very good overall, and certainly not a "brat", but she has her "bratty moments". It's never easy, but I just keep thinking about the kind of person I want her to be when she is older, and the kind of adult I expect her to be, and I realize that she won't ever get there if I am constantly giving into her when she throws a fit. Be consistent, and eventually she should start to realize that it doesn't pay to get all worked up when she doesn't get her way. That's not how the real world works and that's not how you can work either (and my daughter was worse at 3 than at 2 also, so rest assured, you are not alone!).

My approach to DD pitching a fit about something (and whiny rude behavior in general) is typically to ignore it, and if she is really persistent, to give her until the count of 3 to calm down and knock it off. If she still doesn't listen, she's put in time-out in her room, where she can flip out all she wants, but at least I am not her audience any longer. She is allowed to come out when she decides to start acting nice and like a "big girl" again. I don't lecture, I don't explain, I just keep in short and simple. I won't negotiate with terrorists.

DD's worst behavior tends to be when she is over-tired and/or hungry, so I do cut her some slack for that - and try to get her fed and/or in bed as quickly as possible before she totally loses her mind. Otherwise, I am the parent and she is the child - and she needs to learn to deal. My latest saying to her is, "You can be sad, and you can be mad, but you still need to listen to Mom and Dad!"