7 Year Old Boy's Long Term Behavior Issues

He needs to be evaluated for behavioral issues.
It's already effecting his self esteem, his socializing and probably his grades too.
You want someone to say "Oh this is so normal for a boy his age!" and "He'll grow out of it!".
Sorry but it doesn't work that way for a lot of kids.
Kids with ADD or ADHD or any number of others issues grow into adults that still have those issues.
They need to learn coping techniques (and so do you) - and yes, meds might be necessary.
If he were diabetic, you wouldn't think twice about giving him insulin.
He needs help in order to reach his full potential.
See that he gets it.

I'd have him evaluated to see if something is going on that you're not catching. Now is the time so things can be in place for him (if necessary) in the Fall when school starts. It's important to know if this is a "I won't" or "I can't".

Are you willing to get your son tested and "labeled"??

Maybe your son isn't defiant - maybe he's an attention seeker. He does things to get attention - whether it's good or bad - and doesn't care about the consequences of his actions.

Is there ANY structure in your home? Is there a routine? Are the consequences the same for EVERYONE or just him? Are you and your husband on the same page when it comes to rules and consequences?? If not? that's part of the problem right there.

How about you get into family counseling so that you ALL can learn to communicate and learn to parent TOGETHER CONSISTENTLY.

You need to praise your son when he does something right. The more you are on him about his bad behavior? The more his self esteem will go low.

Give him CLEAR, CONCISE directions. Simple. Easy to follow.

Role model the behavior you want from him. He KNOWS how to push your buttons and he gets attention - doesn't matter if it's bad attention - it's attention - and he's getting it. Stop playing his games. YOU are the parent. Make sure the rules are the same for EVERYONE and the punishment the same.

Good luck!

It sounds like time to ask your doctor for a referral for a behavioral evaluation. I don't want to say "I think it's this"....sometimes it's just little boy-ness and low impulse control, sometimes it's something which needs more attention.

That said, it's not uncommon for girls to take their distance from boys at this age. But the hyper behavior and vulgarity will eventually put off some of the boys as well, esp as they grow out of that sort of behavior on their own.

An evaluation from an expert (I do not recommend going through the school district for this either, from my own experience) will help give you guidance on how to best help your son. Sometimes, this runs counter to how we think we 'should' parent our kids.... it really depends on the kid and each one is different. How *we* respond to behaviors also plays a big part. So, now is the time to reach out for some more objective and professional help. Take it from someone who has been there, done that, and proudly wears the tee shirt--- you don't want to put this off.

My 9 year old was a lot like this. Some of it really is just typical boy stuff that will get better as he matures. Our son has gotten much, much better in the past 2 years. One thing that really helped him was a very experienced teacher who was very strict but very kind. She was very matter-of-fact and didn't get mad but absolutely let the kids know when the broke a rule and had an immediate consequence for the behavior.

It does sound like your son might be dealing with more than just maturity. I think it would be a very good idea to talk to your pediatrician to see if he can be evaluated. There are so many things you can do to help him if you know what you're dealing with. We had our younger son evaluated, and it has made a HUGE difference.

ETA - Julie G makes a good point in saying that this behavior is not just a boy/girl thing. But it is very common in boys (hence the use of the phrase "typical boy," typical meaning fairly common). I would have to strongly disagree with the idea that any diagnosis given to a child by a psychologist or other expert in the field is simply a "catch all" for anything. While it is try that some parents, teachers, etc might use terms like ADHD or ODD loosely and based only on their observations (no real education or training in diagnosing), those who are qualified to make a diagnosis do not take that responsibility lightly!

There are more kids being diagnosed these days than ever before, but isn't that in part because in the 70's and 80's and child who struggled was given one of two labels - LD (Learning Disability) or BD (Behavior Disability). The fact that there are more labels now means that psychologists have been working very hard to break it down and figure out how to help individuals, rather than just throwing them all in the same category. This is a much better way to help kids.

It makes me so sad when people say that kids are over-diagnosed or that a diagnosis is just a catchall. That is a true misunderstanding of what children really need. If a child receives a diagnosis and that diagnosis is taken seriously, that child can be given many, many ideas and strategies and finally be successful. And isn't that the whole point!!!!

Sounds a lot like my middle son, who was (finally!) recently diagnosed with ADHD at age 12 but has been having behavioral problems for years and years. My oldest son has it and his presented very differently and obviously through academic struggles. With this one, he did very well in school and in other areas so it was hard to really nail down what was going on until we did a full neuro-psych evaluation over the winter and really confirmed what was going on. He's on medication now and starts therapy this week.

I'm not suggesting diagnosis by internet, but perhaps it's time to have a conversation with your pediatrician and some folks at school and see if they see anything that should be tested. Not every annoying child has an attention issue, but he really sounds like he has issues with impulse control that are affecting how he feels about himself and how others feel about him. ADDittude magazine (they have a website) has a ton of good articles, as does CHADD. Check them out and see if any of them resonate with you.

Sounds like ODD (Oppisitional Defiant Disorder) my oldest has is and it can be very hard to deal with as they get older. Do talk to a therapist right away. My oldest has it and I did not stick with therapy the way I should have when she was younger and now our whole family is paying the price. Big Hugs to you and your son. One thing to remember is that this is almost as h*** o* him as it is you.

Get him in with a child psychiatrist or neuorpsychologist now. Call your child's pediatrician today and ask for a referral to a specialist.

No child wants to get in trouble all the time and everything you've described is just like our son who has ADHD, ODD and a number of other conditions. I can tell you from personal experience that if you've tried all the parenting strategies out there and nothing is working, you may be dealing with a brain disorder. Forget any fear of labels ... your child will be no more labeled than if you learned he had a condition like diabetes or epilepsy.

Your son is extremely insightful for his age and he's telling you what's wrong here. He can't control his brain. Our son has said the same thing.

The earlier you get him help, the better. Forget what society says about brain disorders like ADHD, because the general public knows squat. It's time for medical advice. If it's not a brain disorder, you can still get tips on managing the behavior from the medical specialists. Make that call now.

It sounds as though he's reacting to the way he's been treated, and is behaving in such a way as to strike back at his sister's very critical interaction with him. He wants to stop doing something that is annoying everyone, but thinks that it won't matter - he'll be criticized anyway. He clowns around to distract everyone. He tries too hard, but doesn't try correctly, to interact with people. Your previous posts detailed how much bullying he experienced at the hands of his popular, confident, cruel sister.

Maybe the sister needs a few sessions with a counselor. If she's so successful and popular, why can't she be kind to her brother? What's driving her bullying? Does she receive appropriate consequences for belittling her brother and driving him to this point? Is she punished, in a way that matters? Success and confidence and popularity mean nothing if there is no kindness, compassion, empathy and the ability to encourage others.

Maybe your son needs some martial arts training, or something similar, which will offer him discipline, a feeling of accomplishment, and a physical way to safely get rid of the resentment that has built up inside him.

And perhaps, you might talk with a counselor about how to help your son who's been mistreated by his sibling and who now doesn't have the skills or tools to make/keep friends, behave in school, refrain from vulgar anti-social behavior, respond to correction and persevere at an activity without giving up. Counseling often provides parents with the insight and methods to help their children. We think they need the counseling or therapy, when really it's us parents who need a little skill development when it comes to helping our difficult children.

Please listen to him: he's crying out for help. He's pushing all the buttons hoping that one will help him, in real life situations.

Sounds to me that learning ways to distract and redirection might help you more easily manage his behaviour. You've found that counting gets him moving. I suggest that you start your request with counting instead of waiting until he's not doing what you asked. Johnny, please pick up this toy or these few toys. Put them in that box. Let's see if you can get that done by the time I count 10. Then count slowly as long as he's moving. If he gets distracted, help him refocus with a gentle teminder. This trains him so that eventually he can do this on his own.

When you want him to stop doing something, also tell him what he can do. Provide more loving and positive structure in a consistent way so that he can learn what to do. Remember that negative attention is better than no attention.

How much time do you spend with him doing fun things? I suggest you've gotten into a negative pattern in your interaction with him. It's understandable because he is pushing your buttons and is difficult to manage. I urge you to find a way to let go of your irritation and become his partner in helping him learn better behaviour. He needs loving consistent structure from you and other caretakers. Know it will take time to turn this around. I suggest reading about ways to parent will be helpful. I especially like Parenting With Love And Logic by Foster Cline and others as well as books by Jane Nelson.

As to pushing your buttons, all kids are good at finding mom's buttons. Learning your buttons and diffusing them is the only way you can stop his success when pushing your buttons. He doesn't even know what buttons are or why he pushes them. He's just a kid. Buttons are complex and difficult for adults to understand.

Begin by listing your buttons and what actions activate them. I needed a counselor's support while I worked on this. I realized one important button for me was feeling challenged and frustrated when my teen daughter said some things using an attitude and tone of voice. I focused on getting her to stop with the attitude. I was unable to change her attitude by demanding she be respectful. We argued often. This lasted into her adult years. With counseling, I internalized the concept that I can't change her but I can change myself. I started noticing how my response to her increased her attitude.

My 15 yo granddaughter is living with me. My focus has been to treat her with respect. I take time to listen to her. I focus on finding ways for the two of us to resolve an issue. Because I've worked on reducing the strength my buttons have for me, I'm able to remain calm and open to discussion most of the time. A part of that work was building confidence in knowing I am in charge; that she can only get me to respond in an angry way when I let her. I am in charge of how I react.

A large part of this adjustment involved accepting that everyone is doing the best we can at any given time. We will be more successful in our responses when we accept that we and the people with whom we Interact are doing the best we can and that we can do better once we have more confidence and more information and practice. When we allow someone to push our buttons we feel defeated and unable to cope.

Your son is giving you good information when he says he wants to do better but he's unable to do better. He is asking for your help. Teach him how to do better by learning a different way to respond. Praise him when he behaves. Downplay misbehavior by telling him you know he will do better. This is an incentive for him to do better. Guide him in ways that teach skills. Distract and refocus is a skill for you to learn so that you are modeling doing that for him. We can be our children's best teachers as we learn new skills to use with them.

I am not a doctor and cannot diagnosis your kid or tell u what's wrong, but I'd suggest he seeks an evaluation. Some of things you describe can fall into a number of things it could be ADHD, or it could be the discipline or structure in your house..without knowing everything and the child or family dynamics it's hard to say, but my stepson at age 6-7 was a handful.. Full blown out tantrums, no focus , getting in trouble for stupid behavior at school, low confidence and very sensitive .hes always been the clown. The things you describe do sound similar and what u are describing and with ADHD they do not have control sometimes. And it also leads into OCD. The best thing we did was get a firm diagnosis. Therapy alone or with Meds can help dramatically.. Structure and consistency is also effective ways of disciplining with choices ..and I also have a son of my own now age 8 and he displays only the active young boy and the occasional not listening. But has never got in trouble at school, has zero issues with friends is straight a student. So it's not always just being a boy. For us it was so difficult with step son as we were so stressed at 2nd grade him being expelled for jumping on sinks, full blown out tantrums on the floor flailing. If we had known sooner we would have ran to the dr.. As what worked for him changed things dramatically for all.. But again may not be but I'd get an evaluation before more causes.

First off let me give you an internet big *hug* You are a great mom for being able to take a step back and look at this from an objective point of view.
My son is 14 and still has a hard time knowing when its time to stop "funning" his friend, mom and dad and some times his little sister.
I think SOME is just a boy being a boy. However, what truly cought my attention was that he has said that be wants to stop but can't. He is really trying to tell you something Mom. I hear "I am frustrated and I don't know how to fix it".
If this were my son here is what I would do. With it being summer and schools be out or almost out this is some good timing!! I would call his doctor and ask to talk to ether him/her or their nurse. Then honestly what is going on. I loved how Nervy Girl worded it. I would not have this conversation in font of you sweet boy. You don't want him to feel he is bad or there is something wrong with him. I would also see if there is someone in your town offers tharpy for kids. They could help him work through this too.
I say its great timing because with the summer on us it gives you some time to try different things and help him before school starts next year. You have time to set him up for success.
In the mean time different things I have tried with my son when he ignored me at that age is..
1- when I tolled him to do something and he didn't respond I would get down to his level look him in the eye and calmly repeat my self and then tell him to repeat back to me what I just tolled him to do.
2- try to focus his engery. We did a lot of sports at his age. It helped tire him out.
3- you are already starting 3 by coming here. That is to talk to other moms that might have some ideas. Talk to you mom or aunts. If you attend a church ask around and see what worked for them. Stuff like that.
4- have time were you and dad have one on one alone time with him to talk about things. We still do this with both our kids. I take my time when I tuck them into bed. My husband take about 10-15 minutes with each kids after he comes home from work. There might be thing he would talk about with one but not the other.
I hope I could help. Hang in there. Keep loving him and trying to do what's best!!

Please take a look at Laura Markham's positive parenting website ahaparenting.com. She has a fantastic way of looking at things and some great tools in her toolbox.

The being sensitive part and wanting to stop activities if someone is making fun of him or he's not welcomed - that's kind of understandable. If he has low self esteem then it would be easier to be the class clown and have kids laugh at what he's doing, rather than at him. So that part makes sense.

And if his sister is putting him down, or ridiculing him, that's not helping.

So just give her serious consequences when she does this. Don't let him know - just tell her, listen you will lose your .... (privilege) every time you do ....

Helping him with self esteem - you can work on through finding things he enjoys and makes progress in. He doesn't have to be exceptionally good at it. Just something he can grow at. Little accomplishments.

One of mine had a lot of girl pals in the first couple of years of school, then that changed around your son's age. And he was upset to lose buds he'd had since school started. Some of that I think is typical - girls start spending more time with just girls around that age. My little one sits with a boy on ride home from the bus, and the other girls and boys are making fun of my daughter and friend. So it's partly the age.

As for getting upset, misbehaving and getting into trouble - he might just be reacting to feeling stressed or anxious, or it could be something more. I'd talk to your pediatrician, his teacher, and set up a meeting with a therapist for kids. Can't hurt. And it might just all make sense once you talk to them.

One of mine is very h*** o* siblings. That child is a bit stressed. So your daughter may benefit from a session or two also.

I know when you're in the thick of things and kids are upset and misbehaving and it's stressful - it's hard to know what to do. That's why turning to outside help can be so helpful. It's not on you to try and figure out. They will help you :)

Have you thought of putting him in martial arts? Eg taekwondo is great for self discipline and there are many other physical and mental benefits... Can goggle this.

This has nothing to do with being a boy. I so wish we didn't do this, " it's a boy thing-thing." My oldest daughter is very much like this. She is difficult. Always has been.

I suggest you start learning about teaching him social emotional skills. I suggest you read and follow "easy to love, difficult to discipline." It sounds like he is a kid that is seeking attention, I.e. He doesn't feel like he's good enough.

Also, I think this may be common behavior for 7 year olds. I say this because my oldest before her 8th was obsessed with the idea of friendship and people liking her but she has changed a lot since turning 8. She has matured in so many amazing ways.

Some kids are strong willed. this is a good thing!!!!! This means they think critically, and independently, that they aren't afraid to be alone.

I honestly believe that oppositional defiance disorder is a catch phrase that labels super smart, analytical kids that will grow up to be lawyers or some other trade that requires superior thinking skills.

Just love him and protect him from his older sister. She sounds like a negative influence here as he comes into his independence and personhood- which seems to be what being 8 is all about.

Do you praise him whenever he does something positive? Do this as often as possible, and try to ignore negative behavior when possible.

You might be focusing on the negative too much.