Hello Mamas, I need some advice on a couple of issues. My 8 year old, who just started 2nd grade has some hairy little legs. I'm talking really hairy and the hair is dark. I'm pretty fuzzy too, so I know where she got it. Well she's really self conscious about her legs and has said that some kids have been teasing her about them. She is shy to begin with and has trouble making friends, so the thought that someone may make things even harder on her just tears my heart apart. I am against her doing any leg shaving right now, but may let her do it earlier than planned, has anyone else delt with this and what did you do? I've thought about bleaching the hair to make it at least lighter, but I'm not sure if that would help or not.
To make things even better for her, she is having trouble makeing some new friends. She is in the same class as one of her 2 friends from last year. But her friend has more than just my little girl for a friend. A couple of times the freind has invited her to play with others. One little girl will tell mine that no she can't play. So my little girl will just turn and walk away without telling her friend why. She won't talk to anyone unless they talk to her first and she won't ask others if she can play with them. How can I encouage her to branch out from the 3 friends she has and find some more? I've tried pointing out a few girls that seem nice and she say they are but will tell me that they never ask her to play. I've told her that she should ask them to play and not wait for them. I've even pointed out that the worst they can say is no. I just don't know what to say to her to help her out. She takes dance and is involed in Church, but it seems like even there she has one or 2 people that she talks to and that's it. At church she even wants to stop going on Wednesday nights because none of her good friends are there and she's scared to talk to the other kids. How can I encourage her? Thanks for your help!!
Thanks so much for all your advice. I talked to my husband and we have decided to go with the electric razor route for right now. I talked to my daughter about it last night and she's really excited. Then in a couple of weeks or so we're going to tackle the friend issue. I'm hopeing that once with deal with the legs she gets teased about that her confidence will go up some and then the talking to the new people she is around will be easier also.
Hi S., my daughter is 9 years old and we just started using neet hair removal cream, she also had very hairy legs. We only need to use the cream once every 5 weeks about. What a difference this has made not only on her legs but her self-esteem. Would probably not recommend bleaching the hair, I think its best overall to just remove it.
Well mine isn't at the point of needing to shave yet but I'm sure she'll start early. I don't see why you wouldn't let her start shaving if you think it would help resolve the problem. Frankly, I think shaving would be a lot better for her than exposing her to chemicals needed for bleaching...why not consider an electric razor for her? Maybe even one she could also use in the shower if she wanted to? That way, it's economical too because you aren't worried about replacing razors or her nicking herself.
As for the being left out...that hurts...been there done that through my life. One thing my mom did that really helped was to help me be a little cooler through her. Everyone thought my mom rocked (even when I didn't). Mom would have me throw a party and go over the top to make sure it was something everyone invited talked about the next week (Halloween party where she put dry ice in the punch and gummy eyeballs and fingers...LOL), birthday parties where she sent everyone out in the neighborhood for a scavenger hunt, etc. Maybe just having her friends over for some kind of cool party would be fun. Some things you could do would be a High School Musical night (show the movies and everyone dress up...even sing the songs into their hair brushes and paint eachothers finger & toenails), an American Girl tea party where the girls need to bring their favorite doll to the tea...have little mini sandwiches and cupcakes. If the girls don't like tea serve pink lemonade as an alternative.
If you can't do a whole party then invite girls over individually for more play dates. The point is to give her MORE exposure to the girls so they can get to know eachother outside of the classroom and feel more at ease with eachother. It's a hard and awkward age but please keep one thing in mind...QUANTITY is NOT as important as QUALITY. My mom always worried about my lack of friends. I didn't. The one's that were tried and true are still by my side...the others have all faded away. I'd rather have one or two really good friends than a whole slug of fair weathered friends. Teach your daughters how to be good friends, give them some help and I'm sure things will turn around for them. Good luck and keep us posted!
Kids these days feel such pressure to fit in, if it is something you think that bothers her I would go ahead and let her shave, sure its scary but if you teach her how to do it and it helps with her self esteem then it may be worth it. I would be afraid to use a depilitory or a bleach on her, its so harsh on sensitive skin. I have dark hair on very fair skin, I do not recall how young I was, but I know I was shaving by 4th grade.
My daughter is very shy, I find she doesn't do well in big groups of kids, I think she does a lot better if she gets to invite only a few friends over instead of a whole "gang" that seem to overwhelm her. I usually encourage her to go play but also have activities that require some assistance to help move the time along. You can find really cute craft activities for reasonable prices at Michaels and even Walmart has an aisle that sells the foam crowns and visors that can be easily decorated.
Does the school offer any skate parties, or even little festivals where you can go as a family and she can get a chance to mingle? Knowing that mom is a safe distance away can help aleviate some of the nervousness.
It is ok to only have a few friends, I still suffer from some anxiety of meeting new people as an adult, help her with her self confidence and give her time. I would encourage her to keep going to the church youth program, even if they are not kids she goes to school with...maybe offer to let her invite a couple of those girls from her youth group to a fun day outing, movie and lunch? Or if you are brave offer to host a sleep over...just be ready with activities to help the night move along so your daughter will not feel like she is on the spot. They have a lot of cute games that are made in kiddy versions, you wouldn't necesarily have to go out and buy board games either just look up the rules in advance for fun games like a kid friendly pictionary, card games like go fishn or old maid I know it seems old fasioned maybe but its something to keep them occupied and they will have fun, you could even make it an indoor camp out and make smores. I hope you get some good responses, my daughter is the same age and I feel like she would rather stay in the shadows most of the time too, she has her first good friend and I see her really coming out of her shell this school year. I wish your daughter happiness = ) Learning to be comfortable in your own skin can be a lifetime challenge.
OMG! I can so relate about the hairy legs. My daughter who is 4 years old is hairy. I broke down and shaved my daughter's legs. It is such a stigma to look different from everyone else. I am going to look into Smooth Away and see if that will work for my daughter. I get screamish using my razor on her.
Have you considered having your daughter engage in a sport or artistic activity? If she is as shy as you say she is, perhaps something structured that involves teamwork maybe just the ticket.
Good luck and keep us posted!
Wow, the hairly legs sounds like all my girls! I finally let my 10 year old, she'll be 11 in 3 months, shave right before school started this fall as she was going into 5th grade, and that's a hard year. She had been getting teased too. My 7 and 8 year old want to, but I feel it is too young. My girls have also been teased, and as a parent, I hurt for them.
I would make your child's teacher aware of the teasing if it's that bad. It's a form of bullying, and if it is making her that self-conscious, it needs to be addressed. Schools have no tolerance policies against bullying, and I'm sure if her teacher knew it was going on, she could put a stop to it. So that she doesn't have to single out your daughter, she could have a conversation about what is and isn't appropriate to say and what things make people feel bad. I got teased about it when I was younger too, so I feel her pain!!!
To help her make new friends, I would get her involved in outside activities where kids from her school participate. Soccer, softball, gymnastics... those are all ways to be involved with other children and boost her self esteem. Also, why not invite some girls from her class over to play. Have her pick someone she thinks is nice, and have that girl come play after school. You could invite different girls as different times so she has several girls she has gotten to know better.
Good luck! SOunds like you're a good mom!
I actually don't think you should let her shave yet. Everyone has some feature they wish they could change. Kids teased me because I was so pale (you think I'm kidding, but the only thing keeping me from being albino is the pink eyes). I know it's hard, especially when it's your own insecurities that have been passed on. But try to help her understand that God made her and loves her as she is, and so do you and she needs to love all of herself, too. Have you heard the song "More Beautiful You" by Jonny Diaz - it is a great song for all girls to listen to - here's the first verse and chorus:
Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine
Says she wants to look that way
But her hair isn't straight
her body isn't fake And she's always felt overweight
Well little girl fourteen I wish that you could see
That beauty is within your heart
And you were made with such care
your skin your body your hair
Are perfect just the way you are
There could never be a more beautiful you
Don't buy the lies disguises and hoops they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you
When she does start shaving in a couple of years, you may get her an electric razor to keep her from cutting herself since she'll be a little younger than most girls. At least her "flaw" is something she can actually change through the traditional rites of passage. :) Good luck!
Hi S.,
My daughter is 13 now and has been using hair remover or shaving her legs for a long time -- probably started about age 8! -- she also has a lot of dark hair on her upper lip that we use hair remover for. It wasn't hard for her to learn to put the hair remover on herself and she learned to shave her legs without too many nicks (but I think the electric razor idea sounds better!)
Maybe inviting your daughter's friends and some of the kids from her church over to your house from time to time will help her feel a little more confident since it would be in her own "environment"!
God bless,
A.
I know just how you are feeling for your little girl, we had the same problem with my granddaughter, and we helped her to begin to shave when she was 8, and it really did help her not feel so self conscience. (I think the electric shaver sound like a great idea) I agree with some of the other moms, let her begin to invite friends over, and I have found if you have 3 girls together its alot harder for them to find neutral ground to play a game or dolls or anything. So at that age we just did 1 friend at a time, until she was 10 then we had 4 girls over for a stay over for her birthday. It went pretty well I just had to make sure there was plenty to keep them busy otherwise it became my granddaughter job to entertain them. we did a craft, decorated tote bags I bought at walmart and all kinds of things to glue on. they loved that, then we did a scavenger hunt. I had also fixed up clues to find her birthday present and they all had fun helping her read the clues that finally lead to her present. I think this year we are going to make bracelets. hope this helps.
well i don't know if you are opposed to her removing hair altogether, but i would suggest the smooth away hair buffing pads. You can find them at any major drug store. I bought some out of curiosity and was very impressed. As an adult they are great for us women when we don't have time to jump in the shower, just buff away the hair and put on some lotion; they make your legs really soft. My 4 year old daughter saw me using them. She has a similar issue as your daughter. Since she's 4 there isn't a LOT of hair, but what's there is coarse and stubble like. I later walked in on her doing her own legs LOL! the spot she did is still smooth a week later as opposed to mine which had developed a stubble again after a day. At any rate, it is a much safer alternative to razors and any chemical thing you may have considered like bleaching or dilapitories.
Try that rub away thing- it does work, doesn't hurt, also exfoliates @ the same time. There have been $1 off coupons in the paper lately, and you can even get them at Dollar General and Walgreens. Or if you can afford it- laser hair removal. I have always had the same problem, and started shaving @ 9- I was mortified when I was a teenager @ the pool when a guy asked me why I didn't shave the tops of my legs... after I had just asked my mom if it could be seen. I was also very shy, still am about that kinda thing!!
My youngest daughter had a dark mustache and in 3rd grade the kids were making fun of her to the point where she was crying. Her teacher was very helpful and spoke to the class as a whole and explained to them that it is not right or is it being a friend to tease that way. The teasing stopped and later in the year we started bleaching her upper lip. Later that year she had a rash that wouldn't go away and she was to the point where she would wear long sleeve shirts b/c the kids wouldn't touch her and would react when they did. We found out she had a nickel allergy and when we told her teacher she explained to the class that my daughter was not contagious. Kids can be cruel, but if you talk to her teacher she may be able to do a general talk to the kids. Sometimes they don't realize they are being hurtful, just trying to be funny and don't realize the impact it is having.
If her legs are that hairy, why don't you let her use hair removing cream instead of shaving. It will keep the hair from growing back as fast and you won't have to do it but once every few months. If she had breast developing at that age (my oldest was that way) you would have her start wearing a bras so as not to be in imbarrassed, so why not use a hair remover cream like Nair, they have delicate skin type too. Just a thought. Good luck and God Bless.
I say go ahead and let her shave. I wouldn't use Nair, even the sensitive stuff is really harsh. The electric razor sounds like a great idea. I started shaving around 4th or 5th grade. Sure, I cut myself a few times, but I got the hang of it. Just make sure she has a good quality razor and lots of shave gel, and help her the first few times.
As far as the friends go... I can understand. I was also a very shy kid. For me it was more about social anxiety than anything. I've outgrown it a bit, but it still takes a lot of effort on my part to put myself out there. It takes practice. So, just make sure you keep giving her opportunities to overcome this anxiety, but don't be too pushy about it. I also agree that the quality of her friends is way more important than quantity. If she has a few good friends, that's great! I also think it's a great idea for her to invite friends over to your house. She'll be much more comfortable in her own home.
oh, your poor little sweetie! as a person from a hairy family, hairy myself, i feel for her!!! i have no good advice for helping overcome shyness - this is also something my daughter has (and i do, too) but as far as help with the leg appearance - i personally would vote for bleaching. shaving requires a lot of upkeep for a young person. i would try lightening first and see if that helps.
oh, good luck, best of luck,
K.
Hi, S.. I am sorry to hear your daughter is going through this. It is so h*** o* us moms when our kids have a difficult time socially. My son is 9 and very similar to your daughter in that way. I would check with the counselor and her teacher and get their help with the social issues on the playground and in the classroom. I have always thought teachers need to be there for our kids emotionally as well as academically. We enlisted the help of our family pastor at church to help our son get acclimated to his Sunday school class. Don't be afraid to ask for help and use the resources available around you. If your daughter has a friend outside her "box" of friends, invite that person over or meet with her mom for a playdate at a park. My son is really quiet too, so we started role playing certain situations he would be shy in and that helped him feel more secure knowing he knew what to do, even if he was shy in carrying it out. We have him order his own food at restaurants now, so he can boost his confidence in talking to others. I hope some of these ideas work for your daughter. Good luck and God bless.
God Bless you and your sweet daughter
electric razor! Best invention ever for young girls! & it will help her self-esteem.
& as for the friends, it's time to start the sleepovers. & seriously, it's OK to have just a handful of friends. BUT, I would consider inviting all of the girls in the class....so that no one is left out. & the thing is: no matter how many kids you invite, not all of them will be able to show up. Sooo don't let the #s scare you!
Once you start this process, the ball will get rolling & you'll be able to see which girls she's connecting with. AND, in turn, your daughter may find that she's comfortable with some of the others. But until they're all mixed together, you'll never know!
& seriously, I'm all for eliminating cliques! They are sooo self-destructive....& we live in a small town where they are firmly IN PLACE before KG. Yowsers. Get those girls mixing......& remember to have fun. Sleepovers can be simple, & low-cost. No extravagance needed!
Without the hairy legs, sounds like me in grade school. I had a problem making friends until high school because I was shy and felt self-conscious and didn't socialize and was scared. Those things come from a fear of being criticized and not accepted. Its very hard to feel rejected and painful, so she is trying to avoid that experience altogether. I'd do something about the hair (how about Nair or something like that) and see if the way she acts changes. She may feel more confident. Otherwise, you can also try: My son said a boy in his class wasn't nice to him. I went to a Mother's Day Tea last May with him and found out I knew the child's mother and started talking to him and talking to the boy like I was glad to see him and his mom (I had never met him), and my son said afterwards the boy was nice to him always. I felt like if I showed him how to be friendly to the kids and the mom, he would pick up on it. Not sure if that'd work for yours. I would get rid of the hair and see if she starts coming out of her shell for sure.
She sounds like me when I was a little girl. She is being bullied like I was and has trouble making friends because she is insecure like I was. It was terrible for me, please help her to shave her legs and find out what SHE wants to do to fit in with the other kids. She is only 8 and already has low self-esteem. I was the same way, I wish some one had helped me.
I can tell you though that I did end up breaking my shell because I got into drugs!!! I got over that finally after high school, but I used drugs and alcohol to fit in in high school.....
My oldest had hairy legs, too, and when she started getting teased, in the fourth grade, I went ahead and let her start shaving. I helped her the first several times. It made her so much more confident. I hope she comes out of the shyness somewhat. That does make it tough for a few years.
S., I know you don't want to let her shave, but I would find some way of removing the hair. Bleaching won't help much. I had a friend who still struggles with dark hair on her arms. She wishes her Mom let her do something earlier about it. I would let her do something about it to help her self esteem.
As far as the friends I agree with most other Moms. Host a party, and make it a good one. And maybe do a craft or game that your daughter is really good at doing. Make sure she wants to do the party, and let her help with the planning. Halloween parties are always a good way to break the ice because there are lots of games you can play and costumes can sometimes help those who are shy come out of their shells. Good luck!
