8Month Old, Refuses to Go to Anyone but Mom

This clingyness that your child is exhibiting has nothing whatsoever to do with your mother-in-law's behavior towards her. Someone cannot make or cause your child to have separation anxiety - and since you described your child as having been that way since birth, it is more likely that this is just a part of your childs personality at this point in her life.

I'm a child psychologist, and when dealing with very young children and infants, we use what I will call a "personality scale" (otherwise known as attachment theory) when describing the temprament of an infant. There are four categories in which all infants fall into somewhere: secure, anxious resistant, anxious avoidant, and disorganized attachment. Your child's behaviors and personality fall perfectly within the anxious resistant category : a child with an anxious-resistant attachment style is anxious of exploration and of strangers, even when the parent is present. When the mother departs, the child is extremely distressed. The child may be ambivalent when she returns - seeking to remain close to the parent but may be resentful or resistant when the parent initiates attention. 8 months of age is also a prime time period for seperation anxiety to start rearing its ugly head - and, unfortunately, this stage paired with your child's personality, makes a very difficult situation. But know that what is going on with your child has NOTHING TO DO with your mother in law. In fact, it may be in the child's best interest that your mother in law and other family/friends be around your child more often in order to facilitate her becoming more comfortable without mommy.
Your daughter needs to be around other children, taken to the park to see how other children relate to each other, and spend time with other family members without you holding her or comforting her. Have her play with other children near to her age, and keep within eyeshot but do not comfort or allow her to stick to you like glue.

I could go on and on here, but IM afraid this post is already too long. Please contact me for more specific information and ways to deal with your childs difficult time.

Hi J.:

When I had my first daughter, I had the same exact problem, although, she didn't mind going to a few different people. I do believe part of the problem is your issue with your MIL, but I believe it's also just your baby's way of wanting to make sure that mommy is always there. The first thing I did was stay right near my daughter when I needed to put her down (and they do need to have that floor time to develop their motor skills). I would get down to eye level and reassure her that mommy was right there and it was ok to be on the floor. After a little while, I would stand up, reassure her again that mommy was right there and take it slowly.

Our biggest thing (and this happened with all of my kids) was that they knew even if I wasn't in their eye sight, I was still there. I would pop back around the corner so they could see me and just keep reassuring them that I wasn't going anywhere. Even talk to her when she can't see you. That way, she knows you're still there. This will be hard at first, b/c she'll still cry, but it should get easier and easier.

I realized that a lot of it was that I held my baby, A LOT! Not that I found anything at all wrong with this. I still believe there was nothing wrong at all about it. It's helped me to build a great bond with all of my kids. But it does make them develop a bigger separation issue with you.

As for your MIL not listening, you need to be stern. This is your baby. Yes, it's her granddaughter, but you are her mother. You should make it clear that you don't like or want your baby to cry like that, and she needs to understand that it will take time for your daughter to build a better bond with her. Suggest that she start out by sitting next to you and talking to, then holding the baby, but let her know that you expect her to take it slow. Your daughter could end up having issues with people for a long time if you don't try to work them out in a way that is best for her. If she doesn't want to listen, then tell her she won't be allowed to hold your daughter. Take it slowly, and make sure you tell yourself it's ok too; your daughter will sense that its all right with you and it will get easier.

I tried to tell myself that all of these people just loved my baby too, and wanted to share in the joy of her. But, at the same time, she was MY child. They had raised their children (and some of them did so very differently than I planned to, which was part of my problem with them trying to help raise my child.) Don't be afraid to let people know that you appreciate their advice and words of wisdom, but you will raise your child the way you see fit. And you expect them to respect that and aid you in your journey rather than contradict you at every turn. I found that as long as I wasn't trying to be rude (and I wasn't) that they understood this.

I wish you good luck. Be patient and remember to assure your daughter that you're there for her, and she will begin to lose the anxiety. Hopefully some of this helped; sorry it was so long. Take care.

It could be that your daughter is acting negatively because of your negativity. Don't get me wrong, I completely understand that you have issues with your mother-in-law. I have had issues with mine ever since my husband and I started dating! I try not to bring my son into the situation, though. They have a right to have a good relationship.
In the case of your daughter, if you just try to relax then maybe she will relax. Don't get visibly upset when your mother-in-law takes her away from you. In fact, why don't you try handing your daughter over to her instead of your mother-in-law just taking her. If your daughter knows that you are comfortable with her grandma holding her, then she will learn to be comfortable with it too.
I also notice that you mentioned that your daughter is comfortable with your parents. That's interesting because that shows that she really is feeding off of your emotions. You probably don't have a problem with your own parents, so your daughter is fine too.
Of course, since I don't actually know your family personally, it is hard to say anything for sure. If you are 100% sure that your daughter is not reacting this way because of you, then maybe she isn't. If you really want to help her, though, just try to change your attitude toward your mother-in-law and see if it helps. It certainly couldn't hurt!
Good luck!

First - Listen to what you baby is telling you. Next HOLD your BABY as much as possible - keep her close. Get a sling, like a Moby Wrap so you can keep her on you as much as possible. Your baby is clearly having a need to be with you and not have other people take you away from you and is stating it loud and clear. I know as a good parent you want to listen and do what is right by her. So do it.

This means telling your MIL that she has NO right to take that child out of your sight - EVER. Your daughter needs you to stand up for her. If necessary - take her away from your MIL physically and make it clear that your job as parent is to see that your baby is safe and happy and her job as MIL is to give her back to you if she cries. If MIL doesn't listen to you or argues the point then remind her who the parent of this child is and WHO makes the RULES. You do.

Letting her cry until she falls asleep is not meeting her needs - she needs you to be there. If you follow her lead she will eventually learn to feel safe enough to leave your side. But right now all she knows is that this person comes in and tears her away from you coldly ignoring her cries of fear and distress. THe MIL doesn't care about the baby's needs or feelings - that is obvious. THe first thing that happened to this baby is she was rudely taken away from YOU her MOTHER by someone she didn't know - and this happens over and over. I don't blame your daughter for being scared of her - MIL is a threat to your child - at least in your child's eyes.

Your baby is showing loud and clear signs that she is in a situation where she needs you to stand up for her and keep her safe. The only way she will grow out of the fear that has developed because of the MIL refusal to respect her needs and your boundaries is if YOU stand up for her and protect her. Wear her on your body so you can get things done - let her know that no matter what you will be there for her - ALWAYS - and that you will let no one disrespect her or you again.

Good luck - I've been directly in your shows but with my own mother. No it is not easy - but you need to make a stand for yourself as well as your child...

Hang in there!

Hi J..

Well, there could be worse problems! They grow up and away so quickly that you could try to enjoy it. don't expect to get anything done during the day. Socialize her very slowly. You hold her and let the other person lightly touch her hand or fingers, nothing too close. Eventually she will respond. But as far as your MIL is concerned -- why does she immediately take the baby out of the room? When a child reacts strongly to an adult there is something there to be investigated.

Meanwhile, enjoy being the center of her life, it goes SOOO fast!

Good luck

V. T.

dear J.,

O.K. now, I am going to tell you what I think you need to hear. For one thing, you need to get off your mother in law's back, and make friends with her. She is not hurting the baby. She and the baby will work it out. Just stay close and let what happens, happen. She doesn't take her away from the house without you does she? Now that is where you need to put your foot down. Maybe she is taking her to the neighbors? Just go right along too.

Another thing, some babies are cry babies and mommy's girl - just deal with it, it won't go on forever. One thing is for sure - baby time goes by fast, and you need to just sit with her and enjoy holding her. Your things you have to get done will wait for you, and the baby won't. My daughter was looking through her baby pictures the other day and she said - "You were always there for me, weren't you?" She saw pictures of me holding her before her nap, after her nap, while I cooked, when we were here and there - always I was there, and she needed me. They get over that.

Also, a baby's brain is still developing after birth, and continues for a long time. At about 8 months or so the part of the brain that allows them to see and understand more details in the world around them. They begin to be clingy with their mother or father. They cry when they see people that they are not used to seeing. It is normal, and you should be glad that your baby is developing normally. Mothers are more important to babies than we could even dream. We are their first loves - deeply loved. One time I told my gr grand daughter - she was just talking pretty good - I told her that she was the love of my life. ...and she said that 'Well, I have to tell you, that my Mother is my love' - that was just about the most precious thing I had ever heard. And that is a good example of how much they love their mothers.

I hope that this helps you al little bit. Calm down, you want to make friends, not be in combat with family. You have a loooong way to go before your life is over and you need to learn a lot along the way. Keep quiet, be watchful, be aware, and be constant with your daughter. You will be fine. You are pretty young to have such a huge responsibility all to yourself. So be good to yourself and try to be more patient. C. N.

i had the same problem with my 1st daughter she got so bad that i couldn't even go to the bathroom with out her screaming the whole time what helped with her was setting up playdates i know it sounds funny but it allowed her to see what other kid's were doing older and younger and it taught her it was o.k to play with out mom... because of this fact i started daycare and it made a night and day difference with my little one who just turned 6 but it will take a couple of playdates.. as far as the mother in law issue... i would have been extremly upset as well but things were differnt in there time and that was more of the way things would... go mine tried to do the same thing as far as her leaving the room to be honest that normally help with me doing the daycare if the parent stays in the room the child will cry and want to be with their parent it is because she sees you as her since of comfort.. but once the parent is out of sight the crying will quickly subside to result in play..