Advice - Sarasota,FL

Have you tried asking him what he would consider an appropriate time limit? Sometimes kids will come up with an appropriate rule if we just ask them. It might be that sometimes if homework is finished, 10:30 or even 11 may be ok on occasion. I have struggled with this with my 12 year old and have a general time frame which can vary when other factors are considered. His limit is generally 9:00. It is mostly alright with him because it's his bedtime and he knows he needs the sleep.

Hi S.,
Your Son sounds like a normal teenager! LOL Yes 10:00 is a fine curdew. When I was raising my kids I insisted on 9:00. He is just testing you & being a rebellious teenager.
Good Luck. You are at a point when you have to make that decision that we all have to make. Going to let him rule or is it still your house & rules?

S.

We were only allowed up till 9:00. With cell phones being in kids rooms, they are pushing it.

You did the right thing. At his age, he is trying to assert himself and establish his own boundaries. Now is the time to assert yours, before that license comes.

As a teacher, I saw way to many parents trying to be their kid's friend, rather than their parental figure. The ones that had their parents setting boundaries and enforcing them were much happier and well adjusted.

P.

10 p.m. is a good time, although I'd probably say 9. You have to set limits and stick to them or else a teenager will walk all over you and before you know it they are out of hand. If you give in, they will always test you; especially a boy. I used to take the cells away from the kids at night so they wouldn't sneak to make calls so you're doing what most moms do. My two older ones are now 22 and 21. Just make sure that the rules are the same for the 15 yr. old daughter as well. You have to be fair. I might give in some on the time on a Friday or Saturday, but not on school nights.

He is to young to be on the phone all night. I think you did the right thing by taking it away. I would not tolerate his bad behavior. If he had mouthed off to me that way he would have lost his computer and any other electronics he has in his room and be told when he can respect me then he can have them back. He is testing you and if you give in he wins and you will lose all control. I would say 10:00 is a reasonable bed time. But we have always had a rule in our home no calls after 9:00 pm out of respect for others. Unless it is an emergency. My girls are both college students but when they come home they respect my rules. Like no phone calls after their Dad goes to bed. Another one is no chewing gum in the house. Everyone has different rules and I don't care how old a child is if they respect their parents they will follow them. My best advice to you would be to forward all of the help you get to your son and let him read it. Maybe it will give him a new light on things.

I don't think it's too early and if you hve already set the limits and rules, he already understands them. Just make sure he clearly knows the consequences before he violates the rule, that way there is less anger at you and more on himself for going against the rules. If he came to you ahead of time on a rare occassipn and asked if he could talk to someone longer on a certain note, I'd be flexible.
I went to an ' understanding the teen brain' weekend seminar over the summer and they tried to help us parents understand how basic the rules and consequences need to be outlined for a teen because their brains don't function complexly yet in those areas and they stay on track better that way. We learned that their brain disorganizes completely and slowly reorganizes from about age 12 until like 20!!! That's why even with the best upbringing they sometimes do completely stupid and disrespectful. Stick with the basic action/consequence list of expectations within reason and he will come around eventually. This phase doesn't last forever. And give him some credit for coming and apologizing, even if it was to try to get the phone back, at least he tried something nice rather than other options.
In our house our 13 yr olds cell phone gets turned off and placed ok the charger on the counter at dinner time and he gets it back in the am when he leaves to get the school bus in the am. We consider the evening family time and if he desperately needs to use a phone he can briefly use the house phone but he rarely does. Lights out by 10:30 as well.... I see from your post what we have to look forward too!!! Best wishes!!!

Sorry to answer so late on this but it sounds like my kid!!! He just turned 15 and he is not allowed to call anyone after 9:00 PM. I do allow text messaging since it won't disturb anyone's parents. Sunday thru Thursday night, he is done with the phone at 10:00 PM. I sometimes take the phone away so he can't text anymore and give it back before he goes to school. He has free reign on the weekend. I guess S. we have to remember that they are still children at the age of 15 even though they try to act way older than what they are. Follow your gut feeling and don't let him get to you when he starts to mouth off with the 'I Hate you' line. They try to give us the guilt trip and we have to stand our ground. You can email me anytime to talk at ____@____.com. I know what its like to have no one to turn to when your teen is outta hand. Take care and I hope this helps.

I only have a 3 year old, but I think that 10 pm is an appropriate time to get off the phone. When I was growing up my parents always taught me not to call anyone after 9:30 and to be off the phone by 10, cuz you never know when a person's family goes to bed. I know teenagers like to stay up late - I did that too, but you have to respect others and their familes too.

No, you are not being unreasonable. 10pm is plenty late enough to be on the phone. You may want to explain to him that it is a respect issue for the working adults in the households he is calling. He and his friends may be on vacation from school, but grownups still have to get up and go to work in the morning. I know this is the only way my mom was able to explain that subject to me at 15 that made sense to me. I would still put my foot in his butt for talking to me like that, but that is totally up to you. You know your kid better than anyone. :)

Just remember with teens "I hate you" means "Mom you're on the right track" LoL. Seriously the tantrums just change forms as they get older. Try not to react to the noise because that's all it is is noise. Remember what you did when he was 4? "The way you're talking to me is unacceptable, when you calm down and can talk to me like a grown up then we can continue this conversation" or words to that effect,I think 10:00 is perfectly reasonable to cut off the phone. And it doesn't matter what he thinks, house rules, YOUR rules are what he has to abide by like it or not. He's not always going to like schools rules, or his bosses rules someday but he'll have to follow them or they'll be consequenses. Remember, you are preparing him for life outside your home as well. Keep up the good work!

Lots of good feedback here already. Heather B mentions correctly that the adolescent brain is not like an adult brain. While adolescents think they are so mature, they are really quite impulsive and often think irrationally. The rest of the body is much more mature than their brains are, and this causes the difficulties. The key for parents is to always keep this in mind when teens say ridiculous things like they hate you. Yes, the words hurt, but try not to take them personally, since they were said impulsively when he was not getting his way.

You're probably right that he apologized because he wanted the phone back. My guess is that he said it for selfish reasons, hoping a "guilt trip" may pursuade you to give in to his wanting the phone. He may not yet really care about your feelings, as adolescents don't have fully developed empathy either. This will come with time. Whatever you do, don't give in to his demands, as that may teach him to manipulate and take advantage of others in his adult life. Continue to teach him appropriate limits. Sometime in his 20's he's likely to become very embarrassed by these past behaviors of his.

You are being an appropriate parent of a teen. Keep up the good work!

Teenagers can get ugly. They don't mean it; they are just self-centered. Trust that you are doing the right thing. No boy should be calling girls late at night. I don't even take calls late at night LOL!

I have girls 11 & 13. My 11 year old gets a cell phone this summer, but my 13 year old has locks and limits. It is something that AT&T offers where you can control when they use the phone. I do not think that 10:00 is unreasonable. You may want to start offering incentives though. Forexample if you do not use the phone afeter 10, and you do 2 chores with out being asked Friday you can have your phone till 10:30. This day and age most kids have cell phones and are texting in there room when there parents are already in bed, so using his cell phone till 10:30 is not really a your going to interupt the parents at the other house like it was when we were kids.

On a side note with my 13 year old I am very open with her about why we make rules. We make sure that she is in bed and TV off by 10:00, and that is just because she is still growing and needs her sleep. However she knows if her room is kept clean and she does what we expect out of her, once or twice a month she may have a friend over on a Friday night and we do not turn her TV off or assign her a bed time. It is her reward for making good choices. We do not allow this on Saturday nights and she knows if a friend sleeps over on Saturday night 10:00 tv and phones off, because we get up early and go to church and we are not sleeping in church. However we are very clear with her and we remind her when she asks for a friend to sleep over on a Saturday night, what the rules are.

Good Luck and od not give up. You have to trust yourself!