Advice for Blending Two Families?

Well, expect that living together under one roof may not be as smooth as hoped. Try to be consistent in house rules, at least the big stuff. Have the bio parent be the sheriff for his/her kids til everyone is truly comfortable with more. I am my DH's deputy. If one family is moving in with another family, try to be understanding that they were there first and that there may be some tough feelings. Try to find a way for all members to feel included, like they matter, and that the space is everyone's. When I moved in, DH had everything how he and the sks liked it and adding my stuff was sometimes not easy. I would have family meetings when necessary and family dinners often. It will probably take 5-7 years to really feel like a unit. Give relationships time as needed. Expect respect and hope that love grows. It may be easier on the younger kids than the older ones.

First talk to your intended about parenting syles and discipline, try to combine both if they are different. Make sure all the kids know what the house rules are for EVERYONE. Have a Family meeting where these are explained and what the consequences will be if the rules are broken, (should be included in the discussion between you and 'dad'.) Let them know (kids) that they are all loved equally and if there are issues ,you both as parents, have an open door policy to talk with them about anything. Don't fall into the trap of letting the kids play you against each other , in order for the kids to get their way. You are a team, work together and 'discuss' differences in private ,as kids will use this against both of you as parents if you allow it.

I think it's fantastic that you and your fiance have worked so hard to do this right. It's so important to go into marriage with your eyes wide open.

The one thing I'd suggest that I didn't see in your post is premarital counseling. It's not just for couples with troubles. It helps to identify and address areas/problems or issues that you might not have considered. To communicate healthily and effectively. To set goals and know how to achieve them. To start out as a team.

My husband and I did Prepare-Enrich ( https://www.prepare-enrich.com/webapp/pe/overview/templat... ) Which has been shown to potentially reduce chance of divorce by 30%.

We also read the book "Saving Your Second Marriage Before It Starts" by Les and Leslie Parrott (leading relationship experts) and completed the companion workbooks. http://www.amazon.com/Saving-Second-Marriage-Before-Start...

I truly feel that these started us off on the right foot, both in our marriage and in blending our families (he has 2, I have 2).

God bless your family on this amazing journey.

♥

ETA: I just wanted to say one thing more: Always talk about it. Whatever "it" is. Don't let bad things fester, and always celebrate your victories together. Keeping things open, transparent, and SAID will solidify your marriage and your "team" status.

I can tell you as a stepchild, it is very hard to feel like the odd man out so going forward be sure that the kids are treated as "our kids" not mine or his....this should apply to the grandparents and other family members as well.

My son has a stepmom and a stepdad...although my husband is more of a father to him than his dad (since he lived with us full time and dad is the occasional/fun-time dad). My inlaws treat him as their grandson where as his stepmom's family didn't really bond with him like that (they don't treat him poorly but it is definitely not the grandparent type of relationship).

Don't let any of them play you and your soon-to-be hubby off each other. Come up with and stick to uniform house rules that are expected across the board...remember to leave room for flexibility in some areas as each child is different and different approaches work differently for everyone. Remember that you and he are not replacing their other parent but adding to the parent pool (meaning that his kids don't need a new mom although you should fill a motherly role and your kids don't need a new dad but he should fill a fatherly role...great news is it can be a more relaxed role for each of you). While my stepmom was not my mom, I was very much her daughter (get what I mean?).

Run for the hills while you still can!

Just kidding, really, congrats!

First, set realistic expectations. The thinking is that how ever old the kids are when your family blends, that's how long it will take for everyone to really settle into a new normal. So if you have a 6 year old, it'll take 6 years. An 8 year old, 8 years, etc.

Know that even when you do everything right, it's HARD. If you each have exes in the picture who share parenting time, it's even harder. When conflict arises, you have to work especially hard to not unconsciously retreat to a place of "his" vs. "mine" thinking.

I think the biggest issue in our blended family is that when we got married, we didn't have custody of my step-daughter, who my husband puts on a pedestal and believes does no wrong. She actually is an exceptionally good person and always has been and never gives anyone trouble so it was hard to argue with his worship. So he really missed her during the week and worried about her and instead of getting to parent "his perfect princess" full-time, he got my oldest son, who has some challenging behavioral and personality traits that my husband just wasn't equipped to deal with day in and day out, so he subtly rejected my son. So this set up a "mom and C" vs. "dad" conflict almost from the day we got married where my husband always felt that I picked my son's side (because he was 5 so yeah...I'm going to support my little boy over a petulant adult man) and I felt like I wouldn't be constantly forced to defend by son if my husband would just stop picking on him. 10 years of this had just been great...

For practical advise, I would seriously seek out the counsel of a family therapist or counselor to help with the transition. Think of it as preventative medicine. Find someone who both you and your husband trust and like, let him or her get to know you, and start with hashing out the details on things like chores, routines, discipline, money, gifts, etc. With guidance, it's easy to set up the framework for your household in such a way that you remove a lot of the decisions and misunderstandings that can trigger conflict. Then if/when real conflicts arise that seem to really cut to the core of you or strain your relationship, you'll already have a trusted, private third party to help talk you through the conflict before you get to a point where damage is done. It's so easy to be protective and defensive of our kids and that can lead couples to say or do hurtful things.

Some may think that proactive counseling is over the top, but the success rates for second marriages with children are unfortunately not great, so I think it makes sense to go into this knowing that you will step on some landmines and are looking for ways to get some outside support and counsel before you do that so that you can manage conflict in a healthy way.

In my experience, the problems usually revolve around discipline. One parent feeling like the other parents is favoring his/her own children and implementing more severe consequences on their partner's children than on their own. I truly recommend that you two see a counselor and keep that person on speed dial so you can return when these issues start to rear their ugly head.

Congratulations and good luck!

I haven't been through this personally, but watching friends go through this process it seems as if discipline is ALWAYS a major issue. You know, "you're not my mom!" and "I'm gonna tell my dad!" stuff like that. One couple we know got remarried when the kids were in elementary school and were doing fine for several years but are now on the brink of another divorce because they can't agree how to discipline each others' teenagers.
So have a lot of talks about this now, it's REALLY challenging, especially as the kids get older and you're dealing with much more serious issues like dating, driving, grades, parties, etc.

Congratulations!
I did it too and some things that worked for us was setting up the bedrooms as a "safe area" meaning no one enters with out knocking and verbal permission to enter. If the girls are sharing it means both have to give permission before the brother(s) can enter. I also had a neutral play area with toys mixed. This meant that the kids can keep some toys to themselves with out worring someone won't take good care of it. I also had a simple consequence chart with some items listed with what the consequence would be if they didn't. . . put away toys, . . chores .. . etc. That way as parents we were on the same page and "equal" with all kids. This all lasted about 6-12 months before we came together as a family. Good luck.

Communication, communication, communication. Best wishes!

Congrats!

I have not been as brave and open-hearted as you so I have pretty much shied away from seriously dating men with young children and have no advice, but wish you and your new family so much happiness!

Congratulations! I cannot offer advice from experience just from the friends with blended families that I've seen -

Make every kid feel loved. It can be harder with kids not your own but really do your best.

Do fun family activities to build a family dynamic like family game night, movie night, picnics etc.

Enjoy!!!

I am still on my first marriage, but have some experience through family and friends.

Will you be moving into his house or him into yours? Will you be moving in to a new or new-to-you house? I think that moving in to a 'new-to-you' house is best, as long as it's in the same area where the kids won't be uprooted. That way no one kid or adult can pull the 'well, it's my house' card.

Another thing that helps is to let the kids have some 'redecorating' money. Where they get to pick something new for their room.

Have house rules that apply to EVERYONE. No girls rules/boys rules.

Congratulations!!!

Be prepared that it may not always go smoothly. Decide on house rules as a couple and be consistent across the board. Each of you can enforce house rules, but be hesitant to "discipline" the steps. Support each other in front of the children for consistency and discuss conflict regarding the children privately.

My 9 yo stepson (at the time) had a pretty strong reaction to my husband and I having a political discussion. We weren't actually disagreeing, but just discussing. He viewed it as an argument and got upset. Just be willing to adjust.