Advice for Sharing News of Miscarriage with My 3 Year Old Daughter

I had a miscarriage too and my son was 5. We explained to him that the baby wasn't healthy and that it was not able to be with us at this time. We were successful at getting pregnant a short time later and we were blessed with a healthy girl. I suggest keeping it short, but honest.

I don't know if you are religious or not, but a friend that lost her baby explained to her daughter that God needed the baby in heaven. Knowing where the baby went is much easier to understand than death.

I wonder if there is something physical you can do to help her let go. Maybe release a helium balloon in the baby's memory.

I know this is different but my son had a hard time letting go of the pacifier. He was a little over three years old and we tied them to helium balloons that we let him pick out at the florist and he sent them to the babies on the moon who didn't have any pacifiers. He still talks about it once in a blue moon and is proud that he let them have something so special to him.

Maybe you could explain that God wanted the baby and you could send a balloon to heaven for him/her. I can imagine that it must be hard to have the reminder of your own pain so often. It makes it that much more difficult to deal with.

I love the idea of the person below about buying baby items for babies in need.

I'm sorry for your loss.

So very sorry for your loss A..
My loss happened when my son was 23 months old. A very sweet and knowing little boy, he spoke to the baby often. When we knew the prgnancy was over he gently kissed my tummy. He thought about it a lot and for years has marked time by that possibility. One afternoon he announced "my baby sister would've been four by now". I had never counted time in this way. He did.
One of the things we did was plant a beautiful flowering bush together in our yard. It was a gift from my son's Godfamily. That helped us a lot. Maybe you could plant a tree or go out and buy some new baby items for a baby in need. Some sweet project together to mark the importance of the experience and spread the love. My son is now a teen. Once in a while he comments on girls of the same age as the sibling would've been. This is part of how he puts his loss into perspective not with sadness, but a bit of longing.
Best wishes to you and yours.

When my husband and I had to face our son with the same diagnosis, it wasn't easy. The only thing that seemed to help him was telling him that the baby was too sick to live outside of mommy. When he asked why the baby got sick we told him that we didn't know why, but it happens to all kinds of people, even healthy moms. We also explained to him that we are very lucky that he was healthy because every baby that is born in a miracle.

Dear A.:

I'm so sorry for your loss. Bless your heart for being so aware and sensitive about your daughter's experience of all this. Your gentle approach to her grieving sounds very loving. It's natural, normal, and healthy for a young child to want to "talk it out" with a parent over and over again. She may do this for weeks or even months--and revisit it again as she gets older. Death is a very hard concept for a young child to understand. As you likely already know and are doing, simple and straightforward are helpful approaches. Something along the lines of "You know we were expecting a baby. She/he was growing in mommy's tummy, getting a little bigger everyday. She/he died yesterday/two days ago/last week. She/he stopped growing and died. We won't be having a baby now." Then as your daughter expresses whatever it is that she's feeling, you can "echo back" what you hear, whatever it is. "You're feeling sad." "You really wanted to be a big sister." "It's hard to understand." "You wanted the baby to keep growing." When you don't know the answer to a question, it's OK to say you don't know. "We don't know why the baby stopped growing and died. It happens sometimes. Not all the time, but sometimes. You kept growing and were born." Reminding her about how she sees death in the rest of life can help: the leaves die in the fall; some flower buds don't bloom, but others do; she found a dead spider in the closet....whatever she has experience with. Simple books about death can be found at the library. You can ask the reference librarian for help. Letting her draw a picture about what she's feeling or about the baby can help, too. And, then you can just describe what you see or ask her to describe it for you, since young children's pictures can be hard to interpret sometimes.

It can be hard to have this kind of conversation over and over again, especially when you're grieving yourself. So, make sure you have people to talk to about your own feelings. In case it's of help, I have a publication on the publications page of my website (www.lifecirclecc.com) called "Pregnancy Loss and Infant Death: Understanding Grief and Trauma).

Healing wishes to you and your family,

C.

Telling our story over and over is a common way to process new information for adults as well as children and toddlers. Once she has worked this grief thru she will stop talking about it.

I'd just listen and not try to make it better. She just needs to talk and have someone listen.

I think talking to you about it is her way of dealing with something that she does'nt understand. I would keep it as simple as possible for her. Even what seems like a bad thing is'nt always bad. Maybe something was wrong with this baby and God kept it in Heaven for you to see later. Maybe the time just wasn't right and you all have something to learn from it. Just let her know that it is something that happens and we don't understand why, but you are blessed with the knowledge that you can try to have a baby again, and it gives you more time to spend just the two of you and something to look forward to. We had a miscarriage when my son was two. One thing we learned was to treasure what you have and the time you have together, and that you have to have patience even with nature.

Just keep speaking because you can handle it more than she can. Just remember if they bottle up there confusion and pain they felt it will create problems in the future. Dont mislead your child by saying they will come back.
Sorry for your loss. Good Luck

PS: (From the internet search)

Talking about death can be a very difficult subject to discuss with anyone, let alone a young child. Nonetheless, if one of your child’s close relatives dies, you’re almost forced into discussing the issue.

And the subject of death never comes up at a good time. It’s always at a time that’s most difficult for you to talk about death and dying. But it needs to be talked about.

The first experience a child encounters with death is usually of a pet. It might be a dog or a frog, a fish or a cat. You might want to use this as an opportunity to discuss death and dying, in order to make the death of a relative more of a time for you and your family to grieve and less of how to handle an educational process.

The most important thing to remember when discussing death is to be open and honest about it. Tell your child what happens and why your loved one has died. Talk about how they feel and what they should be feeling. Let them know that the grief they’re encountering is purely normal. The feeling of grieving is not a fun feeling for them, and it’s something that is new to them. But you need to reassure them that you are feeling the same way.

When a grandparent dies, that’s especially difficult for a child. Even if it’s expected, it’s never easy. This is a time when you need to reassure your child that what she’s feeling is normal. This is a good time to talk about grieving and how vulnerable we all are. You can talk about how much you need to take care of yourselves in order to live a long time. And you need to make sure your child’s emotions are healthy. Sometimes children are known to feel guilt about someone’s death. They may think it’s their fault. That they did something wrong. That’s why it’s so important to carefully explain the grieving process.

I am so sorry for your loss. It is hard to advise without knowing what you already said. Could you please let us know what you have said to her, so we could give appropriate input?

Be patient and continue to explain that her baby sister or brother has changed their mind for now but may come back later.

Don't go into all the details about the miscariage. That is too confusing and she will still be asking you about it when she is 20. Assure her it had nothing to do with her. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT.

Once you let her know it had nothing to do with her and may happen again. She will stop asking. She has something on her
mind and continues to ask until she is satisfied. You can bet it won't be anything you could have possibly imagined.

been around a bit

This depends on your faith and whether it's right for you, however, if it were my daughter, I would tell her that something went wrong with the baby while it was still in your tummy. Something happened so the baby got really really sick. So it wouldn't have a lot of pain and suffering in this life, it had to go to God in heaven. In our church we have open casket funerals, so children are aware of death at a young age. (Orthodox Christian faith is 2000 years old). Are you going to have a funeral? Maybe some prayers with your daughter would help.

Hi AM,
Well I had a miscarriage before my 5 year old daughter was born and she still talks about it. I have shared with her that we have a baby in heaven watching out for us....like an angle looking over us. We named our baby (which helped me cope I think). I think you just need to let her ask questions and answer them the best you can. My daughter still says we have 6 people in our family (we have 3 kids) and refers to our baby in heaven. I think it is very sweet. It reminds me how blessed I am to have my 3 kids here on earth and one in heaven looking over us. Hope this helps. J.

First, I am very sorry to hear of another women enduring this painful process.
I was in your situation last May, when I had a late term miscarriage of our son. We had already told my 4 yo daughter, and I was already showing, so it was clearly a difficult time-- as this is for you!!

We handled it, by bringing our faith into the picture. That God had decided that this baby was special, and he chose it to be with him. We spoke about it very openly, and honostly (within limits). I told her that it was very sad and painful for both mommy & daddy, and that it is ok to cry about such things. We also talked about how that baby will always be our guardian angel, looking over us. We also planted a beautiful rose bush, where we can go whenever we need to talk about it, or to remind us of this time. I made a scrapbook of ultrasounds, papers, cards, etc. Which we also look at occasionally.

Now, I am pregnant again, and it has brought up questions again- However, she doesn't seem upset or scared about this pregnancy. Not that I am not- but we still talk about it and it is VERY endearing how much she cares about the babies! and me! We also include both babies in our nightly prayers.

I hope that this is helpful to you-- and try to remember that how you handle yourself, is a guide to her. Showing your emotions can help her know that is ok to grieve. Letting her ask questions and talk about it without feeling weird is also a healing mechanism. Time will pass for all of you-- and I wish you peaceful healing!