Advice on Either Every Other Weekend or 1 Day a Weekend Custody

I agree with you on the every other week-end. Easier to do things and maybe you'd like to spend time with the kids on Friday nite or Sat day. On the other hand just be happy that he wants to see kids at all. My daughter's father never did.

Good luck and hope you can work it out for the kids.

I have been extremely blessed to have a good relationship with my ex (and now his girlfriend, as well). Our schedule might not work for everyone, but it's the very best for all of us - both me and my ex and our daughter.

My daughter stays at her father's house every Monday night (he brings her to school on Tuesday) and every Friday evening and gets to spend Saturday with her dad. I pick her up Saturday evening, so we get to spend Sunday together. This gives each of us a weekend night to go out, a weekend day to get things done without a child, and a weekend day to be with our child.

Wednesday nights are "Family Night," where all of us get together and have dinner, play games, go for a walk, whatever. The point is that we work hard to make sure that even though we are apart, we are still our daughter's family. It can be hard, when he and I are struggling more in our relationship - but it is also extremely rewarding. He and I are forced to talk and interact about more than just the logistics of our daughter's life even when we don't want to. We're working on including my ex's girlfriend and her son in occasional family nights, as well.

We also meet at other times, for other events, sometimes the three of us, sometimes the five of us (the girlfriend and her son) for various events, parties, shows, etc. Sometimes I'll have dinner with them on Friday nights, as well.

Again, this probably wouldn't work for many people - it takes a big commitment and a lot of communication and work. But, we've been separated from the time that my daughter was only 2 months old so we've needed to be flexible and constant for her, so it's sort of evolved.

But, I LOVE my every 1/2 weekend schedule. I would hate not to see my daughter for an entire weekend - I would miss her desperately. She seems to really thrive with this schedule, as well. She gets to see the people who are important to her regularly, and knows that we talk constantly (at minimum 3-4 times a week in person - just because we see each other so much). Her dad also calls every day, and vice versa when she's at his house.

I'm sorry that you're having to go through a divorce, but I'm hoping and praying for you to have a smooth transition for both you and your children.

Hang in there!

The children are going to have a hard to adjusting to any type of arrangment no matter how long or short. If I am understanding your question is that he wants them every fri/sat and you want a 2 day every other weekend? Every other weekend (2 day) is the "Normal" arrangement that the courts usually pick but then it is up to the two of you to discuss and arrange. I would say that you should talk to the children and see what suits them and see if you can arrange it to fit their likes/dislikes. This is going to be difficult no matter what you all decide on.

I think the very best thing to do is talk with your children and see how they feel. My stepson comes to our house every other weekend and it has worked great. Now that he is older(10) he has many times asked to do something with us on a weekend that we don't have him and we have to tell him that it probably wont work and in turn he gets very upset. His mom has not been very willing to work with us on anything. Granted his parents were never married but my husband and I have been dating since he was 1 year old. The children can give you more of an incite of what they want then just you and your husband fighting about it in the end.

Is he not taking them during the week at all? If you have them all week i think weekend rotating would be good but if you spit the week time then one day would just be like any other day both my sisters are divorced, one sisters arrangement is Mon, Tues with father weds, thurs with her then they rotate fri sat sun as their weekend. other sister has every other day her days are M,W, and fri til saturday at 6 pm he gets tues thurs and sat at 6pm til monday at 7am. Both seem to work out. whatever you decide it will take a while for the kids to adjust but they will eventually get used to it. good luck getting yourself and your children through this difficult situation

My ex and I decided to split the weekend so we each have our son one night over the weekend. He also stays with his dad on Wednesday nights every week. This works well but I found that it worked better to alternate the days of weekend that I have him. There are some activities that are better done on a Saturday versus a Sunday and it was hard only having my son Saturday evening/Sunday every week. Now that we alternate, it works well for all of us.
It helps that my ex and I get along when it comes to our child. This has enabled flexibility in our visitation schedule for trips, activities and holidays.
Good luck!

I most definetly think that every other weekend is a better option. I myself came from a divorced family. I had to do Monday and Tuesday at mom's and Wednesday and Thursday at dad's and still had to switch every other weekend. During the week was a pain, but not so much on the weekends.

J. -
First off let me say how VERY fortunate your children are (and you) to have the father want to spend time with his children after the divorce! The old saying, "Don't look a gift horse in the mouth." rings loud and clear here.

You will always have Friday nights to do what you want to do. Go dancing, movie with your girlfriend or catch up on house chores without the kids bothering you. Then he will always have Saturday nights to do the same.

I come from a divorced family as a child and my 1st husband and I divorced when our children were 12, 10, and 1 yr old. Unfortunately, the children rarely saw their father. The children have to know that it is ok to love both parents just the same even though they aren't married anymore. Your children deserve to have alone time with their father every week ... even though it is only 1 day/night a week, it is still on a weekly basis and that is sooooo important. If the 2 of you keep things civil and NEVER talk nasty about the other, the kids will grow up well rounded knowing they have the love and support of both parents.

Try and put yourself in their father's shoes for a moment. Would YOU be able to go a full 2 wks without seeing your children? I doubt it. That's what you would be doing if he only had them every other weekend. I think everyone involved would benefit from a 1 day/night a week program.

Good Luck and Blessings for a happy "new" way of life.
D.

have you talked to your children? i see that they are of an age of understanding of what is happening and are able to start choosing. talk to them and get their imput!!!

It depends on your kids, but I would think that the 1 night every weekend would be better. It will be hard to adjust to 1 day/weekend, but 2 days goes by really fast too. No matter what they will be visiting and then have to leave really soon. Seeing their dad biweekly even if it is for two days is not often enough. At least if they see him once a week he would be a little more "involved" and he could keep up on what is happening with the kids. But I agree that you should ask the kids what they want.

My brother and his ex-wife have the split every weekend arrangement. Her idea. At first my brother was not very happy with it, but it has been 5 years and they are making it work. Hopefully your soon to be ex will be accommodating for the times when you need/want your kids for the whole weekend, that does happen occasionally and fortunately for my nephew they have been pretty accommodating for each other. Good Luck, I know this is a difficult time and hopefully you two can make the best of this divorce for your kids.

I raised two stepchildren from toddlers (27 & 24 now) and currently am divorced from their father and coparenting our 7 year-old. There are unlimited ways of designing co-parenting, as long as the two parents can talk and agree. I would be careful of giving any decision-making power to the kids, as they won't know what will work until they try it, and it can be too much pressure to give an opinion if they think Mom and Dad are disagreeing (who am I going to disappoint?). Once a schedule is in place, you can pay attention to what works and what doesn't for them. Our daughter has 50/50 time with us and moves between households every 2 or 3 days. She has clothes, toys, etc. at both houses. If we need to change her schedule for any reason, we just tell her ahead of time.

I have seen that most kids are very adaptable to a new schedule as long as the parents can be civil. Kids at 11 and 7 should see both parents each week if possible (live within driving distance). Our older kids saw us one weekend a month at this age because their mother moved out-of-state. We were able to keep a good relationship with them through phone calls and mail. Now through tools like Skype/MS Messenger video, there are many ways to keep in touch.

Main points:
Whatever schedule you choose will very likely change throughout the years to meet everyone's needs
Both parents can have a meaninful relationship if they are motivated to
The more civil the parents can be to each other (when together or apart) the better the kids will adjust

its all in what you 2 are comfy with..sorry to hear your going thru this-went thru mine 25 yrs ago..kids were babies-court set up visitation according to mn state laws...2 days a week an every other wkend-holidaze we had to work out-plus he got them 2 weeks in summer-and on xmas break-we worked it out thru the yrs.good luck

I would advise every other weekend. He gets them Friday after school, or work through early evening Sunday. The idea about going out with your friends is a good one, I did that. We set it up so our exes had the kids on the same weekend and we went out. I would also say keep it flexible. If a family event comes up on the other person's weekend trade weekends. One thing I would caution you on is don't send a lot of clothes with the kids maybe one change of clothes, pjs and a favorite stuffed animal. My ex would often not send back the clothes until the kids outgrew them. His excuse: he put them in the wash. I said send them back dirty I can wash them. If an event comes up that they need nice clothes for let him buy them. He can buy and keep clothes at his place for the kids and the gifts, clothes and toys they get from family members can stay at each parents home.

If you think the two of you can work together, you could legally state every other weekend with a clause that days can be change with agreement of both parents without return to court. You'll need to address vacations etc. very clearly with the split weekend option.

Have the wonderful privilege of having two beautiful stepchildren. They each have different mothers (long story) but with both of them and in the State of Nebraska the most commom visitation that is set up for children the ages of yours are every other weekend and then every other holiday and then extended summer visits with the noncustodial parent.

I hope this helped.

J.
Mom to one beautiful boy and then my two bonus children

Is there a specific reason? Work schedule? etc? I know when my husband and his ex got divorced, he didn't have the 'usual' every other weekend visitation as he works every Saturday.

As others indicated, there are a lot of factors to consider.
I definitely think discussing with kids (at least your oldest son since he is entering an age where spending more time specifically with Dad is important).

My husband had his son on a weird schedule (because ex couldn't handle not seeing her son during the week). So he was here Wed, Thu night one week and then Thu through Mon am the following week (6/8 day split).

As my stepson entered middle school, I pushed my husband to try and get this changed as I felt it placed his son as a "guest" all the time -- no consistence with feeling like he could "unpack" for a period of time.

I think if your ex wants the kids only one night a week (and a weekend), this might not be a bad thing since the kids will have a lot of consistency at your place. And although they would be a guest at Dad's this is less of a disruption to their life (and school) then the schedule that my husband previously had with his ex.

Perhaps you could get him to take each kid separately for a night on the weekend and then once or twice a month he has both. This might allow your husband to provide the best of himself for that period of time, while giving one-on-one, which is such a special opportunity for both of you.

Again this all depends on parenting style, schedules, kids' needs, etc...

I sure hope he makes an effort to attend all school conferences, program, sport events, etc. for each kids -- that too is really important too, and will help him to maintain a good establishment of being a part of his kids' lives.

Good luck

As you said, the decision is ultimately what's best for your kids. Consider his parenting skills while you were together. Was he an involved parent? Did he do activities with the kids alone, or only when you were there too? Did he help them with their homework and have real conversations with them without being coerced? Or was he just a person who lived in the house with the title "dad"?

I personally think one day a week stinks. My ex and I have joint custody so our daughter spends equal time in both our homes.

At a minimum I would recommend every other weekend. Don't forget to include holidays, birthdays, school vacations, Mother's & Father's Days, etc.

If you don't get it in writing, it will be a big headache.

But don't push him either. If he doesn't want to spend time with the kids more than once a week, then it probably wouldn't be quality time when they are together because he would be resenting it. Some people just aren't cut out to be single parents.

I would highly recommend talking to a mediator. They cost far less than a court battle and it's better that you and your ex make the decision for your kids than a judge.