Advice on Expanding an Intraverted Child

I am also a teacher-certified birth to 11yrs of age. My advice is not to push it yet. Get her involved in something outside of school/daycare right now. (Examples: bowling, karate, dance, or anything) This will give her opportunities to meet other kids, have fun, and on her own time-her shyness will break with time. (*This works for many..as I volunteer lots of time doing other things when I'm not teaching.) Hope this helps.

My 5-year old is the same way. She is comfortable at home and with people she knows but takes awhile to warm up in new situations. She attends 4k, five days a week and she is slowly participating more in class, making new friends, etc. I always let her know what to expect because that helps but you also need to let her know that unexpected things can happen...and that it is ok. Just be patient and if she wants to talk about her feelings let her know that it is ok what she is feeling. Couple things that helped my daughter was getting her involved in something that gave her a complete boost in confidence. For her it was horse riding lessons. I noticed a huge change in her self-esteem after only two lessons. She now is involved in gymnastics and wants to do soccer and ballet. If she has a friend that she really likes in school set up playdates. Good luck!

My daughter was the same way and grew out of it eventually. I wouldn't worry about it! She's had some major changes going to school. My daughter ended up being a cheerleader and a leader in her school (she's 18 now). Don't push her into things she's not comfortable with just because you think she should be a certain way. Praise her when she does tell you something about school or when she does play with a friend. I am guessing that she is observing what is going on and this is a valuable trait to have!

H., it sounds to me like you are insecure about her not being like you! If she opens up and plays with children she knows, that's great! Let her go at her own pace and do not draw attention to her "shyness". In fact, don't label her at such a tender age. Make sure she gets lots of attention, hugs, smooches and approval for being who she is!

Check out some books or ECFE classes on emotional intelligence. People are generally born either introverted or extroverted and although you can't really change yourself or others you can learn tactics to help yourself generally and to help yourself get along with others who aren't your type. The books can give you strategies for you and your daughter. I am extroverted with an introverted in-law. I always try to remind myself that although I "recharge" by talking and being with people she needs quiet time and time alone. She calls it her "decompression." (We all find it kind of ironic she married into a family of noisy extroverts.) It sounds like your daughter is doing great under the circumstances and just needs to open up at her own pace. FYI, I am more extroverted now than I was as a child so perhaps some people do change or adapt a little as they get older.

I was introverted as a child, and both of my parents were very introverted as well - the biggest advise I can give from that is to make sure you have adult relationships, invite people over to your house, and make sure you do good role-modeling of the behaviors you want your child to have.

I picked up the book The Shy Child: Helping Children Triumph Over Shyness by Ward Swallow a few years ago. Perhaps that could be a good resource as well.

I'm glad you're taking your daughter's shyness seriously and being proactive. Good luck to you!

T.

Some kids are going to be observers all their lives- and that's ok! I was introverted most of my childhood and liked to hang back and watch everybody else for a while before getting involved. Sometimes I didn't get in involved at all, sometimes I really just liked to watch better.

What kind of social behaviors are you or other main caregivers modeling? Trying some role playing might help. Also, your daughter might benefit from being reminded of one or two simple icebreaker questions, like "What are you playing? Can I play too?" or "My favorite thing to play is ------. What's yours?"

I wouldn't worry too much if your daughter develops one or two friendships in Kindergarten. I preferred to have one or 2 close friends each year during my school years (usually, one or both carried over to the next year). If you can, encourage your daughter to spend time with kids who live in your neighborhood because these friendships tend to last longer than the ones that they see exclusively in school. My best friend and I played all year long even when we weren't in the same class at school because we lived near each other.

If your daughter has absolutely NO friends, then I would ask her teachers to help her make a friend at school; sometimes they can consistently pair a child with the same other child for projects and a friendship emerges from that.

As your daughter gets older, she will need to learn to navigate our extroverted world in ways that work for her, but for now, she will be ok doing what comes naturally to her- sitting back and observing until she feels comfortable enough to join in.

I think the best thing you can do for your daughter is to accept her exactly as she is and not push her too hard to be extroverted. Just check in with her often to make sure she is happy with how many friends she has, and be ready with suggestions on how to make friends if she asks. (As an introvert myself, I am not going to be the one who can make those types of suggestions, but I bet you will get a lot of responses from other moms who know what to do!)

Best of luck to you and your little girl :)

I too have a very shy guy. So much so that his preschool teacher thought he may have a speech problem since he never talks to any of his peers. After several days of testing it came back that he is very shy and his speech is just fine. They said that he could benefit from preschool that provides group activities and opportunities for him to learn how to interact with his peers through peer and adult modeling. My husband was a very shy kid and still is more reserved than I am as an adult. I didn't want the school labeling shy as a disability and they agreed with me. I know how upsetting it can be to watch your little one be the only one not participating. I just have to keep reminding myself that this is how he is and he may never be the outgoing one (like my first child). I would just encourage you to keep giving her opportunities and don't let her see that you are frustrated with her shyness.

Hi H., I am a retired kindergarten teacher with more than 30 years of teaching experience. Observe who your daughter is attracted to in the classroom. Ask her who some of her favorite classmates are. Check if they might like to come to your home for an hour or so (for a fun activity like frosting cookies or cupcakes.) Include the Mom if need be. Here comes the hard part...take your three your old to a sitter or does she nap?...just have her out of the picture. This kind of experience will feature you, your five year old and a friend. Keep the time short at first. Then for several other times lengthen the time by 30 minutes. Hopefully this will help your daughter feel comfortable with her peer. It sounds like she needs to be comfortable in a situation before she becomes a "risk taker" with others. Even a trip to the dollar store would be fun...if the two girls choose something simple to play together with...it should be a "bond" between them that should carry over to the classroom. Give this a try..and good luck1

This is totally my son too!! He just turned 5 and is in preschool too. He is great and outgoing and very verbal with adults and people he knows, but throw him in that room with all the kids and he doesn't know what to do. The teachers also say he is very much an observer and not an active participant. We did some reading on it and it seems it is very normal at this age - and they recomend play dates to help them feel comfortable with the kids individually so the group doesn't seem so overwhelming. We have just started trying this - hopefully it'll work. I am also going to come back and check out your responses looking for ideas for my little boy. (=
S. (=

I also have a reseved little boy. going to be 3 soon. I have tried everything to get him to be more outgoing, but the best thing to do is to probably leave him alone. There is nothing wrong. When your daughter is ready to initiate play, she will. Also, if you give her a chance to do play dates with just a couple children at a time, that would help her adjust to being around people more.

Hi H.! When I was a child my mother was always trying to get me involved in stuff and the pressure (subtle or not) was very h*** o* me. I had the feeling that in addition to being shy I was DEFECTIVE too, because I couldn't do what my mother wanted. Maybe that was just me, but I thought I'd mention it. If your daughter has some friends she can relax with, I'd consider just letting her find her own way. Be sure you and she can talk comfortably so that if there's some sort of support she needs from you she'll be comfortable asking for it. Kids do a lot of evolving between preK and K!

wow, it's as though you were talking about my little girl. (she is now 17) i never pushed her, i did prompt her into always trying new things. then after trying something new if she didn't enjoy it they could stop. she has a younger sister too. she was always affraid of trying new things alone, so... she would usually do everything with her sister. of all the new things they tried i can only think of one that they really didn't enjoy. i did let her know that i loved her and tried to not always bring up in front of people tht she was "shy". today she is an active, vibriant, intellegent young lady. she is still a virgin too!!! she enjoys sports, is very creative, and is persuing college. may God give you His wisdom. B. g

Have you spoken with the prek staff? Maybe they need to take a more active role in getting her involved with other children. If I am working with a child, who seems to be shy, I try to sit down with them so they get to know me and feel comfortable. While this is taking place I try to find out what the child is really interested in and their specific dislikes. Once I have gathered my information, I come up with ideas to do with the child that they have an interest in and then I ask the child if it would be ok if we (both) of us invited other children to take part in our activity. The first time is usually no, so I will do the project just with that child. This continues to build trust. As we are doing our project I start to let the child come up with ideas for our next project. We also discuss the items which will be needed to accomplish our task. If the child is still not interested in having other children join in I ask the child if it would be ok if just a couple of other kids could be our assistants or just watch. Usually the child agrees with me at this time. As this is taking place I like to ask a lot of questions of the other children to get some form of communication going between all of them. After the project is done and the shy child has had time to spend with me and a few other children, I ask the other children if they would like to play a game that the shy child is interested in. They usually say yes right away, as long as I am still sitting there. I will continue to do activities such as this until I start to see the shy child starting to open up with the other children. After a week or two the shy child usually has met just about everyone in the program and is feeling much more comfortable.I hope this helps. It has worked every time for me.

I was a kindergarten aide for three years. Kids will adjust after a time to their class once they feel comfortable, but if you really want to get her to open up beforehand, use lots of play acting with her at home. Dramatic hand flourishes and dancing and singing and being silly together. I used to make up characters and do funny voices to make them laugh. My kids used to get hand puppets at the library and we'd put on plays. Marching and singing, including all the other kids who are around, being funny just because you can be. When we act this way, it tends to let them do the same because they see it's OK to be silly. There will be enough time for 'serious' in the future. Being a kid should be fun, and sometimes we expect so much from them-they are unique each to themselves. I used to have a very very very shy child in class-Megan, who was the same way. After she got to know the other kids, she did just fine. The more you stress over it the more she will. Have some hooting good fun to draw her out. Hope this helps :)
L. B (Mom of 2)

My neice went through the same thing when my son and her were in pre-school and Kn. Eventually she started to break out of her shell. Right now she is 11 and has several good friends. Surprisingly the kids came to her.I think the kids felt secure around her. Like your daughter she would watch and get to know her surroundings before making any decisions. I think that is why she is a strong pre-teen since she doesn't make rash decisions. when you are going through these things it can kinda be frustrating, but now looking back all of these things are what make you child who they are. It is amazing to see some of the same traits my kids have had since they were born.(ie. my daughter loved her own bed and her space..16yrs later. independent and has lots of opinions. my two boys liked to snuggle and crawl in bed between me and my husband...14yr and 11yr old. sensitive and very compassionate to kids at school.) hang in there she will be great. M.

H.,
I haven't read any of the other responses yet so I am sorry if I am repeating anythihng. Speaking as an introvert myself, please do not put your child in a situation where you are essentially forcing her to be more outgoing then she is comfortable with. You certainly don't want her to think that being shy is a bad thing or that it is bad to be herself. Having a quieter personality is not something that you can just change. That is why people are classified as being an introvert or an extrovert. Introverts tend to make fewer friends but they also tend to have closer, more personal relationships. Many introverts actually enjoy just observing. That is how they learn social skills rather then the extroverted way of engaging in trial and error. It is important that you let her be who she is and find situations that she is comfortable in rather then trying to make her be something she is not. Ask her what types of events she would like to attend and encourage that. We never want our children to feel that they are not good enough just the way they are.

Take care,
K.

It sounds like your daughter does open up, maybe not as quickly as you would like her to. This is something that should not be pushed. Encourage her when you find her playing and talking with other children. Perhaps ask her if she would like to invite a friend over for a play date. She, like you, has her own process. I, too, was an observer. I enjoyed it. I wasn't fretting about how I wished I could be like the other kids. If you push her, she may think there is something wrong with her. THAT is what made me an introverted child for years. I was constantly being compared to my extroverted sister. It was my grandmother who came to my rescue, telling folks to let me be me. I eventually came around, made friends and had a lot more knowledge about how people interact. Worrying is like praying for what you don't want. Enjoy!

Check out the book "The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child."

http://www.amazon.com/Hidden-Gifts-Introverted-Child-Extr...

I say let her be and just encourage her to talk to other children, don't make a big deal about it. The more attention you draw to it will probably make it worse. Let her be the little adult she is and when she is a big adult you will be thankful she listens or observes more then she talks!! She will probably learn alot by others and be a much better off young lady! Your doing a great job, be a proud mom!

Hi H.,

I am just like your daughter I am shy when I am first around people that I don't know, but soon as I feel comfortable around the people I am fine and start talking to them or I find someone just like me and start talking to them and I am just fine then. Your daughter will be just fine in kindergarden next year, she might find one just like her and get comfortable and have many friends.

K.,
Preschool teacher

My daughter was that way also. She wasn't shy at home or around family and friends but in new sittings she would hardly talk. It just took getting comfortable with new things. She went to school with the same kids from pre-k through 12 grade and that helped alot. I think Girl Scouts helped a lot with getting her to open up. I would say keep helping her with her self esteem and don't worry about it to much unless she isn't talking at all. Also let her know that the feelings she is having, everyone has in new situations, some let them rule them in shyness, some overcome them by pushing themselves to be outgoing.

Just a note... in 12 grade my daughter was voted in as prom queen. Even though she skipped prom and forfeited the crown, it shows she was liked very well by teachers and students alike. When asked if she regretted skipping prom, she replied "No,The crown didn't mean as much to me as it does to others"

I just want to say that I was extremely shy as a child - my parents even had to drag me kicking and screaming into kindergarten once or twice. I grew out of it, and although I'm still not the most outgoing person by any means, by high school I was a cheerleader, was up for homecoming queen, was voted to student government, etc. I had a ton of great friends and a great boyfriend as well. My honest advice is to not push her on this too much, because it's terrifying for her. Let her find her way - she WILL make friends. The fact that she opens up eventually is great! I am still an 'observer', that's just how I am, and I just need a little time to warm up to people. But I think I turned out fine. :)

H., I was just like your daughter and it took me years to overcome my shyness. My advice: challenge her to take risks. Offer rewards if necessary. This will teach her to challenge herself, which is necessary to overcome shyness. For example, challenge her to go up to a group of girls and introduce herself. Her reward, you give her 30 minutes of uninterrupted, fully focused time to play dolls with you or whatever she wants to do. Or, take her out for ice cream or let her stay up 30 minutes late. I am trying this approach with my son who is also 5 and it is working well. We are each identifying something scary or difficult to challenge ourselves to do each morning on the drive to work/school and also identifying our reward if we accomplish our daily goals. Good luck! You sound like a caring and wonderful mother!