Advice with Inlaws Not Visiting

I think you should express your wishes to your husband and then have him talk to his parents. It is not wise for you to be placed between your husband and his parents. Clearly explain to your husband that it is difficult for you to travel so far with the kids and that it would be helpful if his parents came here at least half the time. If you talk to your husband in a loving way he should be receptive to your feelings and want to help. I'm sure you can come up with a compromise.

You need to find out why they won't come. My family and inlaws live in Indiana so we have an 15+ hr car ride with 2 kids to make for Christmas. I'd love to have only 5 hrs in the car!!! Anyways, my inlaws rarely come down because they will stay in a hotel and that cost money and is very expensive given the area we live in. We've never made them stay in a hotel, we've always offered our house to them, rearange the kids and what not but they don't want to put us out so to speak. Now my mom or dad will come down with less than a weeks notice and crash here like it was nothing!! Which is fine with us, our house is their house.

So unless you live in the worst area of town possible, your inlaws probably don't want to burnden you with them being here. Maybe they think having 2 kids is like the closest thing to owning a circus and they don't want to add to the disruptiveness of it all. But in reality, it would be easier for you and the kids to be in their own house, sleeping under their roof, already childproofed and their own toys.

Talk to hubby and see if he can figure it out or just talk to your MIL and see what she says is the reason.

Good luck!
S.

The first question that comes to mind is why won't they travel to you? Medical, financial reasons???

Regardless of all that, if they are unwilling to come and see you, then you have to go see them. I know that is not fair, but your husband and the children should be able to see them because they are family. I really hate that, but until you can find their reasonings for not coming to you, it is ultimately your responsibility to your family to ensure they see the in laws. I don't mean every other month, but especially since you didn't see them Thanksgiving, you should definitely go for Christmas. After that, maybe set a date you can go again like the summer. Otherwise if they want to see you all sooner, they need to come to you. This way, you have it set for twice a year visits to them and give them an open invitation to see you anytime. Maybe offer to put them in a hotel near you if that is more convenient for them. The price comparison would probably be better than dragging your whole family to see them.

A.,

My DH and I have been married 2 1/2 years and our son is 8 months old. My in-laws have been down here to visit once, and it was the day after I came home from the hospital (I think they could have waited a week). They try to get us to go up to OH to visit them. But, like you, my DH is military and because of that we cannot just travel whenever we want. You are definitely in the right on this one. You have 3 kids to travel with, which is no easy task. If they start to miss you enough, they will eventually come to see you. If you do not want to travel for the holiday, then don't. They'll get over it. Unfortunately though, it sounds like your DH does not have the same opinion as you, making it very difficult. That part you may just have to continue to explain to him over and over until he just gets it.

Good luck!
K.

Hi,

I think it is best if you express your feelings to them face to face, but before you do, tell your husband how you feel as well. Yes,it is not fair you all to go visit them all the time and they not wanting to take the trip, to visit you and your family. If i was in this situation, I would have informed them on the Thanksgiving trip. I hope this helps.

Honestly you can't count going to funerals and hospital visits as a visit to the grandparents house.These times are sad and depressing not happy and relaxed. Drive over there. it's only 5 hours. It's not like its the 13 hrs I have to drive to get to my inlaws. Just make a stop every hr or so to let the kids out to streach their legs, I make mine run laps when we get out at rest stops ( one tree to another tree and back again)it helps the get the wiggles out and gives them exercise. Then while there tell um that next time it's their turn to come to your house. We put out in advance that we aren't going anywhere for christmas , and I mean like a month or 2 maybe 3 in advance. That way everyone knows that if they want to see us they need to come here. Invite them for Bday parties or dance recitals , sports games etc. One of them will get um there.

Always visit your inlaws even when they never visit you. I've dealt with this for 27 years and try my best to maintain open communication with them - for my husband's sake. His natural mother died when he was 21 and he dropped out of college. His dad re-married shortly after the funeral, very tacky, so in reality, my husband lost his mother AND his father. The new wife moved in with 4 of her own children and when my husband returned home, his room was now in the garage. You described how inconvenient the trip can be with small children. This is the only time these children will see grandparents, so the trip is worth it. My son is 16 and knows that his "grandparents" don't care. They live in Georgia also! Anyway, stay the course and make the trips. It's worth it!

Wow! Do we have the same in-laws or what?!?! The main reason my in-laws don't visit during the Holidays is because my Mother-in-law works in retail. She has to be at work at 4:00 am on "Black Friday" and the day after Christmas, but this doesn't explain why they don't come to visit the rest of the year! They have come to visit once this year, while we've been to see them 4 times this year. They've been to visit their Daughter and her family a lot this year. They live the exact same distant away(3 hours) as we do from my in-laws. If I were you, I'd invite your in-laws and if you have the room and the patience, ask others from your husband's family to come for Christmas. Good Luck!

Hi A.,

I don't agree with the ladies who say "just do it". You have three kids and it is a pain to sit in the car not to mention packing and unpacking. My husband and I have been married 13 years and I can count the times people have visited us on my fingers. His mother not included in that. My family was horrible about visiting, and his dad could be an hour away and not drive that extra few miles to see us. I don't know what it is, but I think they feel like they are the parents and the work should be on us. PLUS, I think in their generations most families lived near each other, and it was a moot point (so they don't know or remember how hard it was to travel with small children). We did it for years. My hubby is in the Army and every time we had 3 or 4 days off in a row in the car we went and off to someone else's house. Then one day we stopped to see what would happen, and they still didn't visit. I stopped feeling guilty, told them they are welcome any time, and we do our own things now. I do NOT feel it is fully our responsibility to foster a relationship with the grandparents. We made a deal that if the family member is unable to travel (example: his 80 year old grandmother), then we make a point to go see her at least once a year. However, if the others are able to travel, then we take turns. If they never take their turn, then we go whenever we feel like it -- if we ever do.

I would say the MOST important thing is to communicate with your husband. I know you do not want to start a fight with him, but I am SURE you do not want to become a bitter martyr because you have to give in to something you don't believe in. Trust me, those sorts of things do not just work themselves out. You two need to come to an agreement and then stick together. Afterall, your immediate family (spouse and kids) are the most important.

Good Luck!

Join the club. We live (in GA) about 4 1/2 to 5 hours away from our family (in N.C.) We always go home to N.C. for Thanksgiving (except 1 time). And we always go there the day after Christmas (except when he was in Desert Storm, me and my daughters spent Christmas there). I don't know about your family but most of our families are in one city and it's just easier for one family to travel than 4 or 5 families. My mom has come to vist 2 since 1988. His mom has come twice two. Once while my husband was at Desert Storm and when my 3rd child was born. Two of my sisters came then also. My children use to ask why no one comes to visit us and I explain that it's just easier for us to go see everyone, rather than all of them to visit and have to find a place to stay. One of my sisters has talked about visiting but has yet to come. We usually only go for the holidays. We may go for Mother's day or my mom's birthday in Oct. Other than that we stay put and enjoy our family.

I have the same problem, except my in-laws live 30 min away. My mil is constantly telling my fil how she misses my daughter, but she never visits. I see her about once every three months, when we go down there. Worst of all, my fil comes to our area 3 times a week! She could ride with him, but she chooses not to. I don't understand. I talked to my husband about it and he says thats the way she has always been. Traveling is difficult enough with one child, I can only imagine three for 5+ hours. And my husband has a bad knee and gets cranky after awhile. I don't want to be the only one traveling, especially since I'm not working right now and we really don't have the time or money.

If that isn't bad enough, my family(excluding my mom and dad) ever come to see us. When I got married, we moved an hour away. The only time that anyone has come to see us is when we had a holiday dinner at our place. No one has ever come to visit, yet we are constantly bombarded with requests for us to come visit them. They even play the guilt card saying my daughter is getting so big and they would like to see her more often. My usual response is the Interstate goes north just as well as it goes south. This has worked for about a year, but we have another baby on the way, so I'm sure it will fire back up soon.

I agree that you shouldn't be the only one doing the traveling. Have you offered to send bus fare or even a plane ticket?

I do understand. Good luck!

Hey A., I sympathize with you on this. You're in-laws should absolutely come to you, I mean you have 3 kids for gosh sakes. It is a difficult place to be in for a wife and in-laws around the holidays. But I also understand that you're hubby wants to see his family, but 5 hrs. in the car is a long time. I think you should establish with them that you can not travel during the holidays with the kids and that they want to be home for Christmas and if they want to see them they come to you.

First I want to congratulate you on getting good in-laws! Next I want you to step back from the situation and be honest about what you see. Yes,traveling with kids is not always a fun experience and the holidays are stressful sometimes but...is it really that bad??? The previous trips were not "fun" ones and probably everybody would like to forget them. You could make the trip(for your husband's sake) and let them know that you can't wait for them to visit you! If they hesitate maybe they don't want to intrude. I know that sounds strange but it happened to me so search them out and let them know they ARE welcomed in your home and the kids would LOVE to see them. It may not change how many times they visit but you put it out there and the next move is up to them. Remember,you can't change people just try to enjoy them while they are here. Good luck and have a great holiday season!

We have a similar problem in our family, but it is my parents who do not visit as often. My husbands family visits twice as often as do my parents. My parents are divorced and both re-married and with their visits put together my in-laws still visit more often. They all live 5 1/2 hours away- within 1 hour of each other and we also have three children. My husband is active duty Air Force. We try to be fair, but their are times we have gone to see one set of parents and not the other or alotted more time for my in-laws. I do get discouraged and disappointed by my parents lack of desire to spend more time with the grandchildren, but they are as involved as they each want to be. I am always the one to tell my parents our plans- so they do not harbor any type of hard feelings toward my husband. I suggest your husband be the one to say your not coming and he should emphasize the stress and work involved in packing for and traveling with three kids. I always explain how hard it is to get our weekend chores done, such as cleaning, yard work, groceries etc after having been out of town all weekend. I work full time so the weekends are our only time to "catch up". I think older people forget the amount of work it takes to be a parent of young children. It is far easier for them to come visit. I am sure they just think we are younger and have more energy. In the long run, I feel like I will make sure I make an effort to visit some but be realistic about a busy life with 3 kids. I have also used my kids to ask the grandparents to come and this seems more effective. It is hard to tell adorable, sweet children "no".

Well, with three kids, there's no reason you should go to such ends to visit them (unless they are infirm and can't get around). I don't voluntarily travel with my two boys myself. It's too much for me, and I recognize that. That said, there may be a number of reasons they don't voluntarily come see you. They may feel that the cost is too high, and since so many people are concerned about their retirement money right now, they may not want to go to the expense. They may not feel that the accommodations at your house meet their needs. We didn't have the space in our old house to have even a single grandparent stay with us. They stayed in a hotel nearby when they came to see us, which worked out pretty well, but it did cost money. You are not being a horrible person. You are being realistic, and if you do want to have a conversation about it, you lay out, point by point, that traveling with the kids right now isn't working for you, and that it adds a great deal of stress to your life.

i feel your pain...my family lives 800 miles away, and i feel that we are always the ones who go there to visit...it seems like because we "left" ,we are expected to do the visiting...but as long as they are able, healthy people, there is no reason why they can't do some of the travelling...maybe they need to be reminded that travelling with three kids is no picnic. also, the kids like their grandparents to see them in their own environment...get to see them play sports, etc...it is hard, and it will need your husband's support, but i think the best thing to do is to tell them when and how many times you are willing to make the drive, and then invite them to "fill in the gaps", if that isn't enough time for them to be satisfied with seeing you. i had that conversation with my family a couple of years ago...it wasn't easy, but flying a couple of times a year with five people, boarding two dogs, renting a car...gets crazy expensive...and we also drive 15 hours to see them at christmastime...every year. i finally said that we hadn't had a family vacation in years, because we spent all of our vacations and $ visiting them, and that we couldn't do it as many times anymore...that they were more than welcome to come here in between if that wasn't enough for them, but that i didn't want to be made to feel guilty if they didn't see the kids as often as they'd like, if they weren't willing to take some of the burden of travelling...i didn't want to hear the complaining about not seeing us, if i was the only one making the effort...i got so tired of hearing, "when are you coming?"...i just put it on them...i told them when we'd come, and that if that wasn't enough, then it was up to them...and it really is more quality time when they come here, because we aren't running around trying to see friends, other family members, etc...which would always "cut into" their time, and they wouldn't like that either...i had started dreading the holidays because of all the pressure to give everyone "equal time", until i told myself that this is our vacation, and we were going to do it our way...like it or not. good luck!

I hear ya! My in-laws took 3 months to visit when our daughter was born. My hubby had to threaten that we wouldn't go there until they finally made the drive. His sister has come to see us twice in 7 years, then when they came last spring break they said that it was our turn to visit (which we did and they haven't been back since).
I really don't have advice. Just know you're not alone. Many of my friends here are also strugging with retired parents that just won't travel. They've stopped going north for the holidays and instead will go during the summer. I think this is my last year of holiday travel, as well. It's just too busy and expensive. I don't think it's a punishment, but they have to understand that it's h*** o* you, too, and they should be happy that you go out of your way at all.

Hi A.,
I have the same problem with my brother-in-law and father-in-law. They always come up with some sort of excuse on why they can't come visit us and every reason why we should! Even though we have a 2 year old and another baby due in January. Anyway, my advise would be that your husband talks to his family and explains that it's so much harder for you to travel with three kids than it would be for them to get in the car and make the 5 hour trek. They could make a straight drive out of it, whereas you'd have to stop at least a few times and it would take you MORE than five hours to get there. Anyway, that's what I finally had to have my husband do. Of course, someone may get their nose bent out of shape, but if they truly do want to see their son/brother/grandchildren, they will make the effort once they've been called out about it. I hope this helps!

Good luck,
D.

Honey, If you don't put your foot down now, you will never be able to convince them to come visit you. You have three kids! You can't be expected to visit them all the time! Of course, you may want to ask your husband if their is some underlying reason why they never want to visit. Is there something he's not telling you because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings?

It's the holidays. You are probably already stressed enough as it is. Give yourself a break and kindly but firmly request that they come visit you.

Good luck!

Why not go since it will be before christmas anmd just spend christmas at your house

Hi. I'm not sure this is what you want to hear but you need to tell them how you feel. Be honest. Ask them why they can't come see you. Maybe it's a medical reason or it could be laziness. You won't know until you ask. Tell them why you would rather have them come to your house instead. Explain to them a 6 hour car ride with 3 kids is not your idea of a good time or something along those lines. Don't go in with both guns blazing. Go in friendly and looking for answers and a compromise. Say what's on your mind and try to work something out. I know my parents don't visit us because my dad has a bad back and can't stand being in a vehicle for more than 2 hours so therefore we go see them. It could be something simple but someone has to communicate. I also want to point out that if you go through your husband, he will sugarcoat it to his way and then you might not get your answers. It's best to just pick up the phone and start the conversation yourself. Good Luck! I just want to add that my parents live 13 hours away in Pennsylvania and my in-laws live 16 hours away in Kansas City so it is not possible for us to travel all the time being military. We spend most holidays at home with our 2 kids and vacations are for visiting family.

A., I am going through the same exact thing as you. My inlaws are in South Florida and we moved here three years ago and they have been here two times and that includes this Thanksgiving. I am always calling them and telling them there are specials on flights and they never come and they don't even have full time jobs to worry about. I also have three small children and don't want to drive 11 hours to go down there. We do go every year but it is hard. My advice is to tell them how you feel. If that doesn't work maybe if you don't go down then they will really want to see you and your family so they will have to come up. I felt that my kids calling them and asking for them to come to our house helps a little also. Good luck and if anything works let me know also!!!
C.

If I were you, I would not fight this battle. It can only create problems with your husband. With their recent losses they may not feel up to a trip. If there are other close relatives in GA that they have always been close to on holidays, it would not seem right to them to not be there. Invite them for a different time of year than Thanksgiving or Christmas. If you know of a function your child (children) are participating in this would be a good time for an invite to be part of the grandchildren's lives. Many rotate years of spending holidays with parents. They will not live forever and this will not always be a problem to you. V.