Am I Being to Overprotective?

No, you're NOT being overprotective! My daughter isn't quite at this age yet, but when she is, you can BET that I will be just like that. I don't understand why anyone would just drop their kid off either without knowing who they are going to be with! Ugh...

So sorry for my first response Lolligirl! I got you confused with the Lolligirl from Atlanta who thinks BF moms of 2 and 3 year olds are sick and perverted. Please except my apology:).

NO, you're not being over protective. Are these kids from school? Or just neighborhood kids? Either way, I ALWAYS met the parents and then trusted my vibes!! I also got to know the children!! When they're that young they'll spill the beans about anything!!! lol!!!

Don't be afraid to ask the parents questions!! After all, they're probably just as leery about you as you are of them!!! lol!!

Good luck!!

Yes you are being overprotective. If you don't learn to trust your daughter's judgement pretty quick she will start to doubt her own judgement. Once she starts doubting her own judgement she will start relying only on yours which may sound good now but do you really want her living with you for the rest of her life because she cannot stand on her own two feet?

So far as so many bad things can go wrong, what bad things? Sorry but the whole world isn't out to hurt your child unless they pass your interview. I have four kids, raised two to adulthood, always trusted they could pick good friends and nothing has ever happened to any of them.

Good kids come from good parents, if your kids trust they are good kids you should be able to trust they have good parents. Overprotecting your kids disables their ability to protect themselves. That is far more dangerous than trusting in your kids judgement.

Wow after reading some of the other responses don't you teach your children your rules or do you hover over them making them do everything you want? I don't worry about what my kids eat because they make their own choices here and they choose well, why would they choose differently somewhere else with the same choices. Same with the internet, I have no filters here, why would they go to a friend's house and go nuts on the internet if they could do it here? This does explain a lot of the my teen is out of control posts. :(

After reading your what happened all I can say is WOW!! Why ask the freaking question if all you are going to do is try to put down the parents that trust their kids. Unlike you I have raised a couple to adulthood, the other teens, nothing has happened to them. Your children on the other hand will never know how to make a rational decision because you are irrational and that is what you are teaching them.

Yes, you are. The benefits your daughter will get from having friends, playdates, going to parties and sleepovers far outweigh the very minimal risks involved. She is eight, which is old enough to learn about personal safety, personal space, good and bad touching, not keeping secrets etc. As a parent you should be involved with her school, her friends and their families and gain a basic knowledge of these people. You are never going to know them well enough though. You best friend or brother could be a child molestor, and you certainly would not know it until they have been caught. You won't be doing your daughter any favours by hanging out with her at slumber parties and play dates.

Yes you are overprotective. My younger kids are 6 & 8. There is no way I can "know" all of the kids in their classes each year. I get to know the families via play dates. I personally am not all concerned that "bad things" are going to happen at their friends' houses. The normal course of events is them :"can I have a play date with Tommy?" me: "who is Tommy" them: "he's in my class at school he's my friend" me: "is he on the class list?" them: "yes his number is right here." And then I call the number, introduce myself, chat a bit and invite the child over. The parents bring their kid, I invite them in, we chit-chat for a while, I ask if the child is afraid of dogs, has allergies or medical conditions or dietary restrictions I should know about, can ride a bike, can swim (if it's summer), etc. I mention that we have no weapons in our home, see if they have any other questions or concerns, then I make sure I have their cell number and that they have our home and cell numbers, the parents leave and come back at the agreed-upon time, usually 2 hours for the first play date. After that, kids often just come to our house straight from school (we live near school), my kids go to their houses, etc.

My two younger boys have had 5 play dates this week. My daughter (14) had a friend spend 3 nights here while her family was out of town, that girl is here again tonight and my daughter will spend 2 nights with her friend on vacation starting tomorrow. My oldest son (also 14) slept over one boy's house Tuesday night, went away with another friend Wednesday and Thursday, slept over another friend's house last night and that friend is sleeping over tonight. There is a world of fun and opportunity that awaits your children and their friends when you let go of your anxiety and allow them to spend time together.

If you are really anxious, arrange the first play date or two as a meet up at the park where the other parent can stay, or invite kids over to your house and invite the parents to stay if they want. Or if they can't stay the whole time, try to get to know them by chit-chatting at drop off and pick up. My younger son has a friend whose mom is very nervous about leaving him anywhere and it's been almost two years that they've known each other. I don't have time to entertain a parent when we invite kids over so most playdates are at his house and that's OK. But at 8 years old, don't be surprised if some parents think you're being a little wacky. I indulge this mom's anxiety because I really like her and she acknowledges that it's her issue, but for someone else I don't know that well, I wouldn't really have the time or patience to spend more than a little bit of time with the parents before getting the kids together.

What are your fears? What are these bad things that you imagine happening to your children? Maybe try to articulate those and ask yourself "so what?' to get to the root of what's an actual valid fear vs. what's irrational anxiety. My valid fears are that my kids could be in the home of an irresponsible weapons owner. So I ask if they have weapons. Only two people have - one was a police officer who was more than happy to explain what he did with his service weapons. One was an ex-military hunter who I wasn't that fond of anyway so I was happy when that friendship fizzled out. Another fear is molestation but I know where the sex offenders live in my town and they're not near any of the friends and none of the friends' parents give me the creeps. All I can do beyond that is educate my kids about this. Another fear is drowning, but my kids can swim and any houses with pools are covered, gated and locked during the winter and during the summer, the parents only let the kids swim while they are out there in the pool area (yes I ask). We don't know anyone who lives on a pond or lake. Beyond that, anything that could happen at a friend's house could happen at mine too so I don't worry about it.

I see it a bit differently.... IF you are active AT ALL in the school with your daughter, you would know some of these people more. If you are aout and about socializing in your neighborhood, you would know your neighbors as well.

I am fortunate that my house has been the one children gravitate to when they want playdates and sleepovers and I am perfectly ok with that.. They know house rules.

That said, I never kept my daughter from a playdate or, God forbid, stayed with her during a playdate at someone's house. You can't "know" everyone and your "rule" will keep your daughter from making friends, being invited to playdates, parties and sleepovers. Children will eventually stop asking her. There have been children in our school who's parents were SO protective that everyone just started staying away from them because everyone knew the answer would be no. The poor children went through the school day not being able to fully open up and be social because they all had a guard up for fear of the unknown.

You have to do what is best for YOUR family and that is what you are doing and it is your right because it is your family. No one can tell you what to do and if you are right or wrong.

Your daughter is going to grow up and I would hope you would allow her to develop friendships and spread her wings a little because you have to let go at some point and trust she can manage herself. If you can't or won't start letting go in baby steps, then when she is independent she's going to go explore the world the way she wanted to when she was younger.

Meet parents, give contact info, get involved at the school where a lot of parents are involved so you can learn to let go in baby steps like we all do.

In theory, maybe there is a different answer. Reality? My kids go to a playdate if I talk to the parents once, yes. They are 4 and 6. Obviously too young for sleepovers yet. There is no way to get to know everybody. It'd take forever. There is also no way to really get to know anybody, even if you know them 30 years. I'm thinking of my own (caring, exemplary) parent who led an unsavory double-life, about which I learned in my 30's.

So after that I don't think you can EVER know someone. It's sad. It's painful. But needing to know these families of all your daughters friends is just not possible, and even if you did, well, after my experience, it's not the end of the story.

Teach her good morals and let her have fun with her friends. She should know what to do if she finds a gun, etc. Know enough not to ride in their car without your permission and a booster (unless she 5-steps, which most kids do by 10-12, so I doubt she does).

Hope she's having fun with her friends!

I am going to be the voice on the other side of this qustion. I think you are being way to over-protective. Even if you did know these people well and for a long time -- you never know any one until you live with them. If you look at many of the pedifiles or serial killers who have been caught and convicted, those who knew them would never have guessed they could have done such things, because they were so nice. But you cannot let that cloud your judgement. The odds are in your favor that anyone who invites your child into their home is a good person. I recommend that you become friends with the parents of your daughter's friends. Get to know them as people. You may not like everything about them but basically they will be good people. When you go to their home look around does it look like the parents will interact with the kids or let them play on their own and the parents go drink or smoke pot in another room and basically be irresponsible and your child will get hurt.
If someone invites your child over for a playdate ask if you can come along so you can get to know them better.
But I will tell you my own dad was an abusive monster when other people were not around. When we had visitors he was always nice and when the ca-ca hit the fan and my Mom finally left him no one believed that he was ever abusive.
As a Mom I would have been insulted if one of my child's friends parents would have said no when I invited their child over. No matter what I would never have let a child be hurt in my home.

If I've met the parents once in person and know that they live in our general neighborhood, then I allow my daughter to go there for a party or a sleepover. Most of the girls she is invited to visit attend her same school or live in our immediate neighborhood, so I've had a chance to know something about them. Her friends parents have also allowed their children to attend our parties and sleepovers, based on one meeting, and knowing that the girls are schoolmates. If something would be "off" with any of them, I would just say "no", but so far that has not happened.

If you aren't comfortable with this, then you are going to have to find a way to meet these parents to your satisfaction or you will be denying your daughter friends. Friends become more and more important during these growing up years.

You could also give your daughter a phone with your number set as a speed dial and tell her to call you if she's ever uncomfortable.

But, yes, I think you are being either over-protective, or under estimate your ability to judge people or determine what is an OK environment.

I trust my gut. Once you meet and talk to the parents, see the house, etc. you should be able to walk away and let her play (unless you feel the environment is truly unsafe for some reason.)
Besides, you DO realize your child is in WAY more danger of being molested or abused by a family member or trusted family friend, right? So yes, your fear is irrational, and it's not healthy for you or your daughter. She's 8, not 4, plenty old enough to communicate and talk about things like stranger danger, not playing with guns or matches, etc.

I used to invite the child and the parent over to the house for the first playdate. I would explain our rules of the house and let the girls play.

I showed the parent around our house tell them about myself and my husband.. etc. ask about them and their family.. etc.. Then if I felt comfortable, I would say. if you have things to do, you can come back in 2 hours. Here is my phone number, let me have yours.

From there, we felt comfortable with each other.

I also would get to know people at the school and so I could ask around. So and so asked my daughter over, do you know the family? Get some infor that way.. i am sure people did the same with me.

Be PRO active, so that you are inviting them over to your home first.. Then you will get an idea about them..

Overall, really most families really are so much like us, it would shock you.

We may look different, have different backgrounds, live in different types of homes, etc. But we all love our children, want them to be safe and happy and want our children to meet other good children and parents.

Our children need to learn about manners, how to be a good host, how to be a good guest, how to meet people, etc.. This is a perfect time to do this, by leading the way.

I have had many parents tell me they were always so shy until their "social children' forced them to become social! I love it. We are all just parents doing our best for the children.

Maybe you are.
Maybe you're not.

We have kids here ALL the time.
LOTS of kids.

I have been amazed by the people that allow there kids here not knowing us from Adam! Then there are the ones we know, and have gotten to know, the ones who have asked questions, "checked it out" by coming in, speaking to us, etc.

There are the kids who are here all day, through two meals, without so much as a check in with their parents and there are the ones who KNOW they have to be home by XX:00 for lunch, dinner, whatever.

I think you need to find a better balance.

Since you feel how you feel, then it is YOUR responsibility to get to know these people, ask questions, set some rules for your daughter. At 8, she should be aware of the dangers involved.

After all, if you want her to have friends, etc., something has to change, right?

I have a 9 year old and it's ALL about "hanging out" with their buds right now.

At 8, I think dropping her off for a birthday party is completely reasonable.

If there's a minimum threshold to what would constitute "knowing" a family, why not start organizing some casual cook-outs or activities to invite potential play pals and their families to? Then, when the invitations for play, parties or sleepovers are extended, you'll already have them pre-screened.

It's true that at eight, your daughter is not going to want you to be present at a birthday party or play date, especially if no other parent is there. Making a proactive effort to get to know new classmates, neighbors, whatnot will help her make friends, too.

there are a lot of interim steps available between a single conversation and a sleepover. so if my child were to want a playdate or a sleepover with a brand new friend, i'd start increasing my own comfort level with playdates at neutral locations where the other mom would be there too, inviting them over to my house, or going over to theirs for very short playdates in which i'd plan to stay.
and the parents i'd be comfortable leaving my kid with would have the same worries and standards.
if these new friends' parents are really comfortable dropping their kids off with you after little or no conversation, then no, i would probably never be okay with my kid staying with them.
all that being said, i can't tell from this post if you EVER let your 8 year old have sleepovers or go to parties. by 8 my kids had a decent circle of good friends and family members with whom i was very comfortable leaving them.
there's a big middle ground of being 'just the right amount' of protective.
khairete
S.

Yes, you're overprotective. You could start by allowing your daughter to be a friend's house for a little while, an hour or so. Talk to the parents when you drop her off and pick her up. I'd hate for my kids to be so protected and scared of everyone and every situation. Teach your daughter how to be cautious, what's allowed and what's not, and let her play with her friends. I always wonder about the people who don't invite my kid into their house, but their kids can come over here and stay for hours ... what's going on with that?

If your child is invited someplace, call up the parents and ask if they mind if you come over with your daughter and spend 30 min getting to know them and making sure your daughter is comfortable. If someone asked me that, I wouldn't be offended at all and I would think they are doing a good thing.

But, I have dropped my daughter (6yrs old) off at 2 other kid's houses for birthday parties. When they parties are in public places, I stay. At someone's house, I drop and go. The parents usually don't expect, or want!, all the kid's parents to stay. I assume she will be safe there.

My daughter and I have talked, a lot, about stranges and what to do if someone bothers you or wants to take someplace, even just a corner or a bathroom.

Are you being overprotective? Maybe. Are you wrong for doing so? NOT AT ALL. Regarding this situation it is completely reasonable to be overprotective. There are a lot of good people in this world, there are also alot of sickos and I don't want to expose my kids to them either...if you don't know them, you don't know which category they fall into.

They way I currently handle it is to invite them over to my home or I go with my daughter. I would just say "I really am not comfortable dropping Suzy off unless I have already gotten to know the parents first...I hope you don't mind".

I ask the other mom for a playdate and we meet at a local park or play place. I talk to the mom and get to know her while we both watch the kids play together. I decline any invites to their home until I know them well and we have established some trust and time. There is NOTHING wrong with being protective of your kids. They are to be protected!!! :)

One way you could get to know eachother better is to have a "get to know you" party. Invite several moms and girls and enjoy eachothers company for an evening or afternoon. You could even do a tea party if you want to make it really fun. Hope this helps and never let someone make you feel bad for protecting your daughter. If your not comfortable, your not. Do what is best for your family.

You're not overprotective, but just saying this isn't solving the problem. All this is doing is preventing your daughter from having any friends.

So what you have to do is get to know them. Come over the first few times to the playdate and stay for a half hour. Make it a short play date, like an hour. So there isn't much time for your daughter to be there by herself. It shows a litte bit of trust to the mother of the child your daughter is playing with. Then invite that mom to tea at your house, so you can get to know her at your house. Do this until you feel comfortable enough to have them play together without the parent being present.

Really, some trust has to be involved. I had an email/telephone friend I had never met, and she asked if we could meet over lunch one day at a restaurant. She had small kids at home with her who she would need to bring, and that was fine - I was happy to meet her children. The day before our lunch, she called and said her husband didn't trust me to meet with her. He thought that maybe I would steal her children. What??? I said that if he was so uncomfortable, perhaps it would be better to just remain email/phone friends. She put him on the phone and he grilled me, I have to say. I felt like I was having to interview with him to be friends with his wife. That was SO uncomfortable. It never seemed to occur to him that I didn't know HER either, and that perhaps I was trusting that THEY were good people.

I did end up having lunch with her, but after that thing with her husband, I didn't continue with the friendship. It all seemed so bizarre that she would tell me all the awful things he said.

The reason I tell you this, is because I think that you need to look at it from the other side. You are a stranger to people too, and how would you feel if they thought you were dangerous. Instead of talking about it with them, befriend them so that you feel comfortable, and then let your daughter have some friends.

Dawn

Yes, you are being overprotective. There are ways to size people up.

Im the same way too. Your not overprotective, your doing your job, I wouldnt leave my daughter with someone I dont know either. Trust me your nowhere CLOSE, to overprotective.

This is why my house was and remains the house where all the kids come to. My son had a few friend's in elementary school whose parents I got to know very well - we lived walking distance to each other and fortunately had many shared interests and the friendships developed naturally. Those houses he could go spend nights with, etc. One moved out of state post Katrina, and we have sent the boys back and forth to each others houses over the years.

For everyone else, they got invited to my house. Oh, I always talked to the parents, but was not comfortable letting him go sleep over. So they came to my house.

Mine is 16 now, so I am better at letting him got to friend's houses, but now, most of his friends still want to come hang out at my house. The only rule that I still have is that a parent needs to be home when he is at another house.

I do think, that birthday parties, shorter play dates, would be okay to leave her at once you have met and spoken with the parents. I always walked mine into a party, spoke with the host(ess), confirmed times, phone numbers and activities and "checked out" the surroundings. If I felt hinky about it, I just picked him up early. Sleep overs - yeah, I had to really know the family well to be comfortable with that.

I am overprotective - everyone knows it LOL My son is 16 and he knows it and accepts it gracefully for the most part. I really don't think it is a bad thing to be. But, I would suggest trying to get to know the parents of her friends. Get involved in school activities, extracurricular activities are also a great way to get know parents, things like that. Your comfort level with the parents will increase as you learn more about them.

I always meet the parents first and see how I feel. IF I am comfortable, my 9 year old daughter can stay alone. If not, I'll stay too. No big deal.

So you really have to go with your gut.

I haven't read the other answers, but I'm exactly the same way. Fortunately, I'm good friends with my daughter's friends' families, but my son (my second child) is less fortunate. Haven't faced it too much with him, but I don't know what I will do when it comes up.

ETA: now that I've read the other answers, I'm surprised how many people have no problem sending their child to a house they've never seen or that they haven't met the family. I'm not talking about potential pedophiles, but even to know what the values of the family are where your child is going -- will your 8 year old be playing video games and eating ho-hos the whole time she's there? Will the parents allow free access to an unrestricted internet? Unprotected guns? Do they have vastly different ways of living that you would find unacceptable for your child if she slept over? Or would she feel uncomfortable? Are the parents yellers? Swearers? Smokers? Heavy drinkers? And if there are, would that change your opinion? When she is older and can make judgment calls for herself, then she can decide how to interpret settings without your input. But I'm sorry, she's 8 - not 16 - you are NOT being overprotective -- it's your job and your responsibility. And I'm extremely active in the school, church, boy scouts, girl scouts, and community -- I know a lot of the kids' families, but not all of them. Even with my high level of involvement, I would still need to get to know a family before sending my child into their care.

You are NOT being overprotective.

Nope, you aren't. My daughter knows if she wants a sleep over with someone I don't know, we first have to set up a Mom playdate. This means the moms get to know each other at a local park while the kids play together. That way I get to know the other mom and I get to see the kids interact with each other, and my comfort level is usually satiated. She has had a couple after school play dates with another child from her class when I have not spent time with the mom. But, I am at least familiar with the mom having seen them at school events and know the child well enough from time spent at the school to feel comfortable. You are the parent, so you do what feels right for you.

You're a good mom! I wish more moms were like that. There are all KINDS of things that can go wrong, you're right! From molestations from people you don't even know are there (who knows who comes and goes in a few hours at other people's houses?) to little things the other kids who you don't really know might encourage your daughter to do, to the general values of the people and their home. You ALWAYS want to be very trusting and knowledgeable about whoever your child is spending time with. GOOD WORK.
I'm just like you, but once I got a really great sitter for my kids while I had a long face-to-face appointment with an IRS agent. (stressful) When I got back, she said her college-age son had come by to watch movies...??!!. Nothing happened, she's nice, I'm sure he was nice, She told me and she didn't have to, I questioned the kids UP AND DOWN and I know nothing happened, but still. It was a wake-up call about how easily unknown things really can happen.

If you want your daughter to "get out more" definitely reach out and get to know more people better. Good work mom!

I don't think you are being too overprotective at all. Your job is to love and protect =)

I think it's a good idea to meet the parents and get to know their situation a bit. Maybe for lunch at a restaurant? Maybe a picnic or a park playdate where you can meet each other?

Seems totally appropriate and reasonable to me. Trust your gut feelings--They are totally right.

Nope. You sound normal to me! My oldest is 7 and he never plays or attends birthday parties without me unless I really know the parents well. We also do not (and will not) allow sleepovers--ever. You can't be too careful!

I agree with you. It is hard to "know" people after just a conversation or two. You have to get to the point you trust them with your child and it is not that easy for some of us. I have not had this come up too much yet. We homeschool and up till now my daughter's friends have been from our church so we know them well or cousins. Next week she is starting a new program at a local Christian school where she will be attending for Art and PE with the kids there. I already am dreading the new friends and invites to play. I am very apprehensive of sending her to just anybody's house and don't get me started on sleepovers.

You are not being over protective. You are being a responsible parent. I can't understand why anyone would leave their child with adults that they don't know. And I don't know how you can possibly size someone up in a few moments. You really do have to get to know the parents of the children your child plays with, in particular, when your child is eight and wants a sleepover.

Yes your being overprotective, but that's ok. I don't any decent parent would be offended if you emailed or called the inviter parents and said "I'm overprotective, can I take you out to coffee or bring you muffins to have a short face to face chat so I don't FEEL like I'm sending my child to a strangers house" nope, don't think any of us would be offended at all. You never know, you might find a new friend too. Good luck!

You need to do what is comfortable for you, but I do believe that at 8 years old, she should be allowed to play at a friend's house, even if you don't know them.

I just trust that my GD knows right from wrong and that if something that she's not comfortable with is going on, she will come home.

If it's molestation that you're concerned with, keep in mind that most children are molested by close family friends or relatives. Stranger molestation doesn't really occur that frequently.

It helps to get involved at your DD's school. You get to know a lot of parent volunteers, and even if you don't "know" them that well, you get a very good sense for people. Be as much of a presence in your DD's school world as possible, chit-chat up Moms at drop off and pick up time, go to a few PTA meetings, sign up to help chaperone a field trip. You will feel more comfortable with the kids in her world, and the families.