Am I Truly a Bad Mom?

If this is a serious question (the reason there is doubt is that it's a first question, and 2 years old is way too young for school or homework), then Julie F has good advice.

If you don't have to work, then pull her out of school and spend time with her. Get Love And Logic parenting books from the library. They'll help you.

Why is a two year old in school, let alone one that gives homework. In fact, I'm quite sure this post is fake because no school I know would ever give a 2 year old homework, and no parent I know would ever condone it.

You aren't a bad mom. I need more support. You and your fiancé both need to learn about developmental stages in children. She's stubborn because she is two, and shouldn't be forced to do homework. Let her be 2. Her work is to play and be read to and talked to and loved on. That's all. My children didn't even go to preschool at that age, and when they did start at almost 4, they went twice a week.

I hate that this is a first question because first questions make me skittish. Still I see a lot of me in this question so I will give it a go. First I assume by homework you mean teaching her words, not writing and turning in because seriously, I had an off the charts two year old and she didn't write with any quality until four.

I am not like others, I found out when my oldest was five why I wasn't like others, I am very much ADHD as are my kids. It actually ended up a good thing that I parented to my child and not conform to society's idea of what parenting should look like.

Behaviorally I ran a tight ship. I expected you to act like every other kid or you didn't go out in public. I raise social creatures, they would follow whatever rules made to be around other humans. My kids were never required to think like other kids. Which is what I think you homework is coming down to. Not saying you or your daughter are ADHD but you seem different. So your child would rather explore at home than play the part of the trained puppy, doing all the tricks that other kids like to perform. Allowing that difference doesn't make you a bad mom, it makes you a good mom for your daughter.

For other children I am sure I would be an awful mother, for my own I am perfect. Don't look at society to decide if you are a good mom or not. Look at your own child, are they happy, are they thriving?

My kids are very intelligent yet my oldest didn't start talking until 3, my youngest developed the same vocabulary at 1, bet you can guess there is two years between them. It is funny because my second saw my frustration with my oldest and saw that to mean, big vocabulary equals happy mom and had a 6th grade vocabulary by the time she was three. People loved talking to her, small package, big vocabulary. I digress...

Same parent, same parenting, same gene pool, two very different kids. All four of my kids are happy and thriving. I am a good mom.

I've never heard of homework for a 2 yr old.
A 2 yr old I don't really consider to be preschool age - 4 yrs old would be but some start at 3 yrs old - and our son didn't have homework in preschool.
Have you discussed your concerns about her speech with your pediatrician?
I don't know if she needs any early intervention but the doctor should be able to tell you if she needs an evaluation.
In the mean time - talk with her, read and sing to her - as much as possible.
How's your fiance at being a father?
He seems to enjoy dishing out the criticism but he's a parent too.
Seems to me that you need more support than you are getting.
That doesn't make you a bad parent.
Talk to your doctor about your depression and how you are feeling.

I want to state first that you need medical help. Right now. Today. You have stated you are depressed, feeling pathetic and now you have not one, but two triggers. Being laid off from your job is extremely stressful and you feel like you aren't a good mom. Please seek medical attention...

You need to get pre-marital counseling. If your fiance is saying these things to you now, knowing you are depressed, he's not supporting you. He's hurting you. Personally? I would dump the guy.

Even though your your post screams troll, I feel compelled to ask

What school would give a 2 year old homework?
What parent would send their 2 year old to SCHOOL??

I hope this is a day care/pre-school and your daughter has to do art or something similar.

It's already been mentioned that there are people who KNEW they should have never become mothers. You are one of those people. Is there hope for you? Yes. You can find a counselor who will help you adjust to motherhood.

I hope you aren't suckering us in here. It would be bad if all these people, including myself, took time out of their day to respond to you, only to find out you're a troll.

I'm going to agree with the others on this but also offer my two cents….

You need medical help. If you know you are depressed please seek medical help. If you cannot afford it, look into free places and medicaid. Do everything you can to make yourself better and you will make your life and your daughter's life better.

It sounds like your fiancé doesn't know how to help you or support you. He also needs to get on board with you seeking medical help. If he doesn't, then he doesn't belong in your life.

For your 2 year old you need to find a different place. You need to find a place that focusses on PLAY based learning for 2-5 year olds. Your daughter will have a long life of homework and academic expectations. She learns while she plays so please move her to someplace more fun. Also focus on reading to her and having fun with her yourself.

welcome to Mamapedia.

I too used to struggle with depression, so I understand how this disease can appear to others to be a "lack of motivation" and how it can undermine your feelings of competence.

I think you should expand your definition of "motherly" - it doesn't just mean a snuggly person. There are lots of great mothers with difference personalities, different degrees of comfort with snuggling, and so on.

Like the others, I am concerned that your 2 year old is in an academic setting with homework! That makes no sense. She's not paying attention to you because she is only 2 and she is not ready for "homework". Most 5 year olds don't get homework either. It's a developmental stage, not a personality quirk.

The vast majority of early childhood experts recommend a play-based preschool experience, usually starting around age 3. The purpose of preschool is to give children a chance to interact with other children, to begin to understand the basics of separating from Mom and Dad to spend time with a teacher or caregiver, to begin to participate in a group setting (circle time, story time, snack time, craft time, outdoor playtime, etc.) and to transition from one activity to the next along with the class. They learn (gradually) to negotiate things with speech rather than with physicality ("May I have a turn with that toy?" rather than grabbing it). They learn to hold a crayon and do some painting (fine motor skills) and they play outside on play structures or do other things for gross motor skills.

These are very basic skills and the only purpose of preschool. If a child learns to write her name, that's a bonus, but it's not necessary. I cannot imagine what your daughter is trying to absorb through "homework" and why it's important. That's a sure way to get her to hate learning. She doesn't need to learn any quicker - she needs to be allowed to develop in her own way. She may not have a lot of words but you cannot force her. Meantime, she's probably doing other things earlier than the other kids, so look at her for her uniqueness and marvel at what she does do, rather than measure her against some artificial yardstick. Kids learn to talk, walk, feed themselves, read, potty train and sleep through the night all in a different order. There's no "right" way.

I think you need way more support than you are getting. I think you should speak to your doctor about your depression, find a counselor who can help you with your feelings of inadequacy (your doctor can refer you), and see if your town offers some other forms of enrichment for your daughter and you. For example, see if your town's department of families & children has some parenting groups (classes or just play groups & support groups), see if the Newcomers' Club or the Y have play groups, check with the public library on story hours for young children, see if local churches have simple play time and mothers' networking groups that have nothing to do with teaching kids anything about religion or Bible stories but just community and togetherness and fun. A lot of play groups spawn friendships for moms and even some chances to trade off babysitting so you get some time for yourself while your child plays with a new friend. For me, sitting in those groups while the kids played and the moms chatted was a live saver - we shared tips, frustrations, fears, laughs, and more.

I think your fiancé could use some sessions with you in both counseling and a parenting group. You are very dependent on him and you have no other family around, and I think he could be more emotionally supportive of you while you get used to parenthood and have some time to work through this depression without him making you feel worse.

Yes, you need support - but you are not alone. We all do. We've all been where you are. We've even on Mamapedia for support too, but it doesn't replace the face-to-face you can get in your own community.

First off, see about finding an early intervention program that could evaluate your child and see if she does have any developmental delays. If you feel she isn't talking as much as she should, and interventionist can help find that out. Second, she is two, and Inwouldnt fret over homework. Second, do you see a therapist? If not, I would strongly suggest it. It sounds like you may have postpartum depression, or just clinical depression and you would benefit strongly from counseling.

Why on earth is medication out of the question for you? Why would you marry someone who says things like that to you?
Get yourself organized. Keep a daily planner, and fill up each day with two tasks to complete. Reward yourself each time this happens. I have found this helps me stay focused, motivated, and positive. I have an anxiety disorder and often just worry all day and not get anything done. This helps me.

T.,

You need some support. You're a first time mom with a two year-old, and this parenting thing is still pretty new for you. Heck, even those of us with many years of parenting have our days.

You struggle with depression, so you need to get some help with that. Everything, even the small things, seem like huge tasks when you're depressed. Ask your primary care for a referral to a counselor or therapist. I also think some parenting classes will be tremendously helpful to you. You need to learn about child development so you know what to expect at each stage.

Primary example: your daughter is only two, but you say she's stubborn and doesn't pay attention to you. She's only TWO! Two-year olds have relatively short attention spans, and if you're going over "homework" after she's been at preschool all day, that's just too much for her. She's done and just needs some down time or just cuddles from mom. I don't know what kind of "homework" she has, but actual homework for 2 year-olds is not appropriate. She should be playing with puzzles, blocks, musical instruments (toddler kinds), dolls, etc. You can't *make* a two year-old "learn any quicker" any more than you can make her grow quicker. You can foster a positive environment for learning by reading to her, talking with her, asking her questions, etc., but you're not going to make her learn faster. It's a developmental process, not a race.

While you have some downtime during this layoff, use it to your benefit. Go to the library and check out books on child development and parenting.

I think a support group with other moms would do you a world of good. You're isolated, depressed, have a fiancé who seems rather negative, and no other positive influences in your life. Look for some mommy and me groups where you can meet up with other moms with toddlers and preschoolers. Friends who are going through the same parenting stages can be tremendously helpful.

Please don't be so down on yourself. Every good mom has questioned her parenting abilities at one time or another. Come here for support and answers to your questions, but realize that you're going to get all kinds of responses. Take the advice that's helpful and move on. In addition, please begin to seek out real life support systems and be sure to address the depression with your primary care to get a referral.

One quick thing about motivation. I know it's really hard to find it when you're depressed, but the key is to just DO. Even when you don't want to and don't feel like it, MAKE YOURSELF DO something. Maybe you don't do 5 loads of laundry, but you do 2. Maybe you don't clean the whole house, but you clean a few rooms each day. If you wait for motivation to magically appear or until you "feel like" doing certain things, you may be waiting a very long time. Instead of motivation, make a commitments to yourself or family each day and keep those commitments (regardless of how you feel). For example, to your daughter, "I commit that I will take you to school on time in the morning."

Stay strong and take these steps to make positive changes in your life.

J. F.

i'm going to answer this as if it's real, although i too suspect troll.
i appreciate that not all women are naturally maternal, and am happy to live in an age where women are not defined by their motherly qualities. that being said, it's never, ever, in the history of humanity, been easier to avoid pregnancy than it is today. i admit to being a hard-liner on this particular issue. people who aren't into parenting, especially if they've depression to cope with on top of it, have no excuse for 'finding' themselves pregnant. it's not okay to subject a tiny person to apathetic parenting.
is your fiance the child's father?
in addition to arguing with you about your depression (which causes lack of motivation), is he supporting you? helping you get help? encouraging you? how is he as a father?
there is NO reason for any 2 year old to be in 'real school' with homework. if your depression causes you to be unable to parent her full time at home (and yes, that does happen, and i agree that if this is the case you SHOULD send your daughter off during the day rather than keep her home), find a play-centered daycare that will allow her to be a 2 year old. it's borderline abusive to expect a toddler to focus on homework, especially a pre-verbal toddler.
your fiance sounds like a jerk. does he offer any concrete suggestions, or take over the parenting himself when you're both home with your child, or just put you down?
what does 'support physically' mean? i'm assuming you don't mean you're physically disabled, so i'm not quite sure what this involves.
you may truly be a bad mom. i don't know. the very question is passive/aggressive, as it's eliciting the response of 'oh sweetie, of course you're not!'
but if you are really sending a 2 year old to a school that requires homework, and modeling a nasty and unpleasant relationship model to your child, and not getting treatment for depression that's hampering your ability to parent, then yes, you might be a bad mom.
don't be a bad mom.
khairete
S.

I believe a 2 year old does not need to do homework, so I would not worry about that. A 2 year old should be playing, exploring their world, using their senses in sensory play, read to, and learning how to play nicely next to other little kids. (For this age I believe in doing only play-based preschool/care and nothing academic, but that is a whole different topic). But, I would very much worry about your depression. See your doctor about it and make it your goal to get help for yourself. You should definitely be seeing a therapist once a week, and you probably should also try medication as well. Some people can take it for a while and that along with the therapy can help jolt them out of being constantly depressed. But others need to stay on their medication. You should not have problems getting your daughter to school on time. You should be engaged with your daughter and if you are depressed you probably won't feel this way. You need to be talking to her all the time, pointing things out to her, and reading to her often. Involve her in helping you and talk to her about what she is doing and encourage her to say words. It is hard to be encouraging and animated when you are depressed. So, your most important job right now is to get help for yourself. Go see your doctor and if he/she is not helpful go see another doctor. Make this your goal!

Homework at 2?
I suspect you're a troll.

Your daughter should NOT be getting homework at age TWO!!! Seriously? What kind of school gives a two year old homework? Maybe you should reconsider this wonderful (sarcasm) school. I agree with Wild Woman that this school is so unusual that it's hard not to think this is a troll post.

Read to your daughter, play with her, have fun with her. That's the "homework" she should be having right now.

Please, right away, go to the doctor and ask to have your thyroid tested. It just takes a blood test. Low thyroid can cause the symptoms you describe.

If you don't have to get a job right away, why don't you become a classroom volunteer in your daughter's class. That will give you something to do and help you bond with her.

Don't be too h*** o* yourself. And maybe you ought to postpone the wedding if you are already arguing this much. Counseling maybe?

To answer your question in short form... NO, you do not sound like a bad mother to me. You sound like someone who needs a lot more support than she has available right now--not needing more support than 'normal' moms, just a parent needing more support. Depression is a bugger and it can sap all of a person's energy. As others have said, it will be really important to locate some resources as soon as possible, so you can 'do' parenting and life generally with more happiness and success.

I also struggle with feeling inadequate as a parent. Objectively speaking, there are parenting skills which I don't have and I do drop the ball sometimes. So your feelings of self-doubt are totally natural. One sign to me that you need to address the depression piece and get more support is that you're seeing your daughter's speech as a reflection on you (it's not), as well as that you see yourself as 'pathetic' because you are unemployed (through no fault of your own!). When everything sounds like a message of your inadequacy, it probably means that your perception is out of whack because depression is darkening it.

Steps forward... regardless of what the 'homework' is, I think it is unnecessary at this point. A 2 year old doesn't need to be taught the alphabet or numbers through papers yet or coloring pictures--they should be playing with letter- and number-shaped objects, rolling balls around, being read lots of story books, scribbling/drawing whatever they want, building with blocks, dancing to silly music, playing with people, and making mud pies (for example). Your daughter doesn't want to do the sheets because it's not developmentally appropriate for her and because she'd rather do other activities with you--and it seems like it is affecting your interactions with her, so it is important. Personally, I would just not do the homework--what are they going to do, give her an F or kick her out? If so,it would be an indication to me that it wasn't the right place for her. Truly, given your current stress level, it seems like a different daycare situation with a purely play-based curriculum which places no burdens on you for out-of-school work would probably be a better fit.

Step number one is to get support from groups and probably a counselor or therapist. Wishing you good luck!

Two year old with homework? when did they start doing this? And if you aren't working, perhaps you could take her out of school and spend time with her. If this is all for real, then step up on the vitamins, see a good counselor, and get a goal. We can all sit around and tell the world we aren't motivated and don't do well (been there, done that probably) or we can step up to the plate and go for the run. There is no such thing as a 'real' mother. There are imperfect people who bore children and do the best they can, but most of all provide the basics and a whole lot of love, love, love.The rest is gravy. There are probably a lot of us out there who have lost jobs, aren't very organized, and wear mismatched socks. Those things are just a reflection of how one lives their lives. But loving your baby from over here isn't something we are able to do. So go for it. You can get a lot of support by going into your community, perhaps the church, or libraries and start becoming involved. And tell your fiancee you are a perfectly fine mother and to butt out. Don't give this man permission to annihilate you.

T., a 2 your old doesn't have homework. That's just the silliest thing I've ever heard of. Please consider taking her out since you're not working. She can start a regular child care center when you go back to work.

Please go to your psychiatrist and tell them you need a med change. IF you're taking meds you seem to have built up a tolerance to them because you're still having problems. IF IF IF they ever worked that is. If you've never been on a med that actually broke through the depression and you were able to manage things better that is.

I took several different meds throughout my life. I have a tendency to have depression but it's more situational/environmental. Like when I have gone through periods of intense panic attacks/anxiety attacks or when my mother in law passed away. When I was just too wrecked inside to climb out. I went to the doc and asked for a med then went to short term counseling to work through those problems. When I was doing better emotionally I stopped the meds according to the docs instructions and went for years and years without any problems at all then wham, something would happen that knocked me for a loop.

The point of that bit is that some meds work and some meds don't. They'll work for this or that one but not for another. It's our body's chemical make up. So I think you need to visit with your psychiatrist about changing or adding a back up med to your antidepressant.

Having the right meds makes life so much better.

Now, that the mental health part is addressed let's get back to your 2 your old child.

A 2 year old learns by playing. Not by sitting at a desk doing homework. This school doesn't have the vaguest idea of how to teach a child. Please get her out of there.

Tell your fiance that both of you need to attend parenting classes and learn some good ways to parent this child. He needs to go too so he'll learn the same things you do and you can support each other as she gets older.

I'm talking about parenting classes that go over developmental stages, what kids should be learning at different ages, how to get them to do what you want without disciplining them, and helping the to move through their natural learning process.

If you don't have a particular career that you work at consider child care. Finding a child care center that is hiring teachers aids where you will have to take classes to get a CDA, Child Development Associate Credential, and then work in child care for a while so you can get hands on training and learn some really really good skills.

Unless you make major mistakes like hitting a kid, hurting them in some other way, or neglect them once you go to work in child care you can pretty much have a steady job. Most center type facilities have steady staff and they raise those kids they have in their care from infants to school age. It's steady reliable employment.

Going to work in child care will help you to learn good skills. I really do use a LOT of the training I got in my many many years with my grand kids. I was too young with my daughter and hadn't really even started working in child care until she was older.

You and your fiance have to come to agreements on parenting. You both don't have to parent the same way. I clicked with Love and Logic but my husband clicked with PCIT, Parent Child Interaction Training, that we both did for free at the local county health department.

Why is medication out of the question?

You admit that you struggle with depression - which affects your ability to maintain a routine, have patience with your child, get out of bed.
Obviously this is impacting your quality of life and the quality of life of those around you - specifically your daughter and fiance.

I single parented for 18 years (since conception), family in another state, etc. etc. I have had depression issues also. In order to ensure that I can be the best me for my son, I medicated when I needed to. He was, and remains, my first priority.

We all need support from others at times, but if you are coping with untreated medical conditions, you will need more support that most. It sounds like more support than is available to you.

Seems like you have yet to get over your fear of having children - are you suffering from postpartum? Are you a reluctant mom? Therapy would help you also.

If you feel that your daughter is behind on her milestones then you should be speaking with her pediatrician about that issue.

Basically, it is time for you take action and take charge of your health and your life.

Good Luck

Moms come in all different parenting styles. The best moms are the ones that love their children unconditionally, who do their best, who educate themselves on best practices and can be flexible, they can think on their feet, but moms are never perfect.

Moms really know their children, what makes them tick, how to encourage each child and how to guide them into best behaviors.

Mom, if you are not in your best health physically or emotionally, you are going to end up working harder. Your child deserves for her mom to keep herself healthy.. Again physically and emotionally. Hormones as we mature can really get out of wack. the human brain is always changing. We can lose ourselves before we have noticed. At ne point, I realized I was not myself. I could not control my feelings, I was exhausted, and on edge.

Depression is something almost everyone will suffer with at some point in our lives. It does not make us weak, crazy, or unstable, instead it makes us exhausted. I never thought I would need medication either, I have always been strong, but man, it has helped me find myself again.

You deserve to be happy and not bogged down. Just speak with your physician and be willing to give their ideas a try.

Hi T.

I truly feel for you and it's sad that some people on this site can be so judgmental. I think as moms, we all struggle with our parenting skills from time to time. This is normal and for anyone to say that they don't is a lie. Some are just better at camouflaging it than others.
That being said, I don't believe that you just take any form of medication for that can lead to a life of depency down the road. There was a time when I was in college that I suffered a mental breakdown and the doctor prescribes Xanax and I thought I hit the lottery. Thought that this will resolve my problems. But luckily someone who was dear to my heart at the time advised against it. Said that they are far more better ways to resolve the issue without medication.
It's a shame that you don't have much of a family support system. So I would suggest that you get together with other mom's who live in your community, school, church or maybe even joining a mom support group that can help you out emotionally and physically. I would also suggest that you pray or meditate daily. It really helps. As for your daughther's development, every child learns differently. Speak to her pediatrician and teacher about it.
Lastly, start thinking positive daily. Read the bible, listen to motivational speakers online, call a friend up when you are feeling down, listen to uplifting music. And tell your fiance to back off on the mean comments. He clearly doesn't understand what moms go through emotionally and physically on a daily basis. This too shall pass. Hope this helps. Good luck and keep your head up. It will get better.

You need support. I don't think you are a bad mom, just isolated and depressed. My mother died when my twins were 15 months old and it left me feeling depressed and isolated. The fact that you are trying to identify the source of why you feel a bit lacking tells me you do have motherly instincts. The first four years were hell for me because I never felt adequate. My saving grace has been building a support system of mothers through my daughters school and activities. Other mothers seemed to have it all together until I began really talking to other mothers. Before I really got to share with other mothers I felt like a failure. Don't give up.

I'm not fond of medication either. Here's what I tried & has really helped me through some tough times: acupunture (this helped the most), L-theanine (it's like green tea in a pill & natural, can get it at healthfood stores), yoga (this has really been good too) or any form of exercise & going to church.

Don't be so h*** o* yourself, parenting isn't easy. You also have some stressful situations right now. Find some mommy & me groups at church or on Meetup.com. I also recommend a few counseling sessions.

Hang in there, it will get better!

Blessings!

Hi. I haven't read the other responses, but I wanted to rspond because I read your update. Basically, my first thought was that you realize what needs to be done as well as your shortcomings and was not afraid to ask for advice. Therefore, I think you're willing and thus can be a good mother. Your depression might be serious so I would definitely suggest you seek medical help to determine if you need anything. Don't be embarrassed ,it's normal. Re: your motivation , find friends with children your daughter's age and watch them and allow them to help work your motivation. I truly believe that if your are surrounded by women who you feel are good patents, by your definition, then you will naturally learn from them as you children play together. Good luck

As for her learning more words, the kids who learn to speak fastest, are the kids who are talked TO the most. So, even if you have nothing constructive to say, just talk to her alot! Just ramble on about what you're doing or, do you remember the commercial where the mom is in the laundry mat going on and on to her child about pants and putting the pants on her head, etc? Believe it or not, that was a learning moment for that infant. She learned about pants, about where they go, what they are called and how to say the words. Every moment can be a teaching moment, but it doesn't have to feel/sound/look like school.

Also, I wouldn't stress too much on homework or even really do it at all. Your child is 2. She is going to have plenty of homework now and not learning her numbers, letters, colors etc, at age 2 will not put her at a disadvantage. Just have fun with her. You will be surprised how much she will learn just playing with you.

You are not a bad mom. You are a good mom who is struggling. The fact that you are seeking advice tells us that you love your child and you want to be the best mom possible. And you are being the best mom you can be right now. Don't let anyone make you feel bad.