Anger in 14 Year Old

Did you read today's blog post on the Mamapedia email? It talks about signs of depression. I think he has several. I think he needs to see a psychiatrist and start some meds. I think he needs individual counseling and maybe, most of all, they need family counseling. Everything needs to come to a screeching halt while they work on this problem.

He will talk. Just needs someone who will listen in the way he needs to be heard.

Just a guess but I would bet he is sick of being thrown into the big brother role. Not sure why people just assume older sibs will love being the big sib and look over the younger ones.

He was an only child for five years, then the sibs came, then he was told he was the big brother and protector. It says to the kid your childhood is over even though it doesn't but at five, that is how you feel.

Kids will accept this when they are little but when they become teens they say enough already! They do it loudly, rudely, and aggressively.

I have a gap between two, a fair few of my friends do as well. In my circle 100% of the parents that did ohhh you are a big brother/sister got this same type of rebellion. 100% of us who treated all our kids like our children did not.

This is why a few months back I told you telling her to make him babysit "more" was bar none the dumbest advice you could give her! Stop trying to make his the big kid, respect that he has a life and he will stop trying to force the issue.

Nothing you have said about him has ever indicated he is a bad kid, he sounds like a very frustrated kid! If someone told me I was the big kid all the time and all my sibs are just babies so I have to let them get by with everything I would start pinching them too.

It sounds like frustration. He is 14 and wants to be around his friends.
A bunch of little kids are driving him crazy, he probably does get tired of them.

He is not their parent. He is a big brother who has not been trained on how to be a parent or a caregiver. Unless you are very straight forward with "Men".. they do not understand by just observing and learning the fine art of parenting, and care giving, especially at 14 yrs old. He needs to know options for his frustrations, he Needs to know techniques on how to handle young children.. Some people attend college to learn this.. Others as parents learn as they go along.. But he is not their parents.

He will be a freshman or sophomore in High School? That is a big difference from kids in elementary school.

She needs to realize he is a young man now, and he needs to be treated that way, BUT he also needs to know that if he wants to be treated as a young man, he needs to behave as one. That means since he is not using FB correctly, he is not allowed on there until he can prove he can handle himself properly at home and on line.

His father needs to speak strongly to him about Pornography. He needs to realize this young man needs some facts about his body and about sex especially on line in case he were to get in trouble.. and about what this young man is experiencing. . Yes, this is the time, to open up this dialogue and not make it tabu when with his parents having mature conversations. This boy is reaching out for information, because he is not getting it at home. He is experiencing changes and needs in his body.

She needs to take time alone with him. She needs to accept he is a young man with needs. And she needs to figure out to reach out to him so that he can talk openly with her. Yes, we have tons of friends and relatives with sons that are now in their early 20's.. The conversations started off very basic about sexuality especially once they were finished with the 8th grade. These conversations have grown from there, so that the parents are pretty blunt about expectations.. No hemming and hawing about it.

In 4 years he may be gone to college. These are her last few years with him as a "child" in her home. AND make sure the father has a strong influence on him.. This young man needs to know his dad has his back, because his dad is all up in his business, keeping up with him.

Parenting is not for the faint of heart. We set the ground work on everything..

I really like a lot of these responses already (I especially agree with Flaming Turnip).

I do NOT have children this age, but I DO teach high school students. Unless there are other specific incidents that we are not aware of, I believe that it is mostly frustration. He is not the parent. He should not be expected to be the parent. Whether his parents realize it or not, they may be putting a lot of pressure on him to do things that really shouldn't be his responsibility.

Many HS teenagers are naturally in that role of "I'm becoming an adult, but I'm still navigating the scary waters of HS and being a teen." This is an extremely tough age (FR through JR year, with SR year being tough for a whole different reason...college/future plans, etc.).

I need to chime in on the Facebook thing...this is where I am going to sound different from most posters. Deleting this account without conversation will do absolutely nothing. He will go right back out and create another one. Think you're monitoring it closely enough? You probably aren't and our tech savvy kiddos can easily find ways around the normal 'blocks.' Take away the computer at home? He will go to a friends house or school and do it. AND if you think that the school has a filter on Facebook, then I can bet he knows how to get around it (I would bet hundreds of new 'PROXY' websites are created every single day -- the kid will go to a proxy website, which basically allows him to go anywhere he wants online within that page).

I think the biggest thing that needs to happen here is to have a conversation and start building up TRUST. Mom is used to dealing with younger children. Well, she has a teenager now. Once again, this is a battle zone in and of itself. Both parents need to be on the same page and sit down with just this child and have some good conversations about boundaries, how everything that goes on the internet will stay there indefinitely...and does he want to have to explain these inappropriate facebook postings to a future boss some day? (this is a big one with my students...they seem to think that deleting something online or deleting the account makes it go away. Nope. Sorry. Once you put it out there, you never know when or how it will resurface). They need to explain to their son that they UNDERSTAND that he is on the cusp of adulthood, and they want to be able to build up trust with him so that he can learn to navigate the world (eventually without them!). He's not an adult yet, but if they approach him as if they understand he's almost there, he will be much more likely to do as they wish....treat him like a child, and he'll act like the biggest spoiled brat you can imagine. I watch the power struggles all the time between parents and their teens. Don't get me wrong here...don't give him the world and no responsibilities. He still needs structure, guidelines, and support. Allow him to start moving to more freedoms as he shows he can be responsible with things.

As I earlier stated, this sounds like frustration *if* there are no other incidents that we should be aware of. If there is a pattern of things like this, then it would not hurt him to speak to someone. I suggest that if things get worse, Mom should contact the school guidance counselor and explain her concerns. BUT do not go this route unless she's had the chance to try to sit down and have a mature conversation with her child (and things still aren't improving).

I think I would need more information. How much time does this boy have to spend with his siblings? Does he get to socialize with kids his own age, or is he stuck hanging around with or babysitting these little kids all the time? I think with this age gap the most important thing would be to ensure the older boy has his personal space and his own social life. If his social needs are being met then maybe there are other issues, but it kind of sounds like they aren't, and it is frustrating him.

Based on this, and what you've shared before, this boy sounds frustrated.
He's 14, he's becoming a young man.
His mom is busy with four young children and probably doesn't have a clue what he's going through.
Is he close to his dad, or is his dad always working and spending the rest of his time with the younger kids?
I found being that age in a house full of young children stressful and miserable, especially since my mom often just expected me to be the substitute mother, I HATED it.
I don't know if therapy is necessary or not, but I DO know he needs a healthy outlet for his frustration and aggression, like exercise/sports, or music/art, writing, SOMETHING. A good therapist could help him find an appropriate outlet.
In the meantime his parents should really be working on this relationship.
Of COURSE the kid is going to be stubborn and resistant (that's what teenagers do) but this kid clearly needs some adult guidance. There's no way he should be pinching young children or yelling at adult family friends. I find that more disturbing than the fake Facebook account.

Has she tried any just old-fashioned discipline? Where is the father in all this? Can she close down the FB account and block his access to certain websites on their home computer? If he has a computer in room, can she take it out of there? Can she take away all electronics until he can show that he can be kind and responsible?

There really isn't enough info here to know what would be best - I mean, siblings often argue and can sometimes beat up on each other. Now, just because it is normal, doesn't mean it is acceptable, but I'm not sure if there is enough that you have listed here to justify therapy. Lots of teens can act like jerks from time to time, be moody, defiant, etc. But that doesn't mean we need to put up with it. What has your friend done for discipline or a consequence when he has yelled at you or pinched smaller kids? At his age he should know that you don't go around picking on kids smaller than you, and you don't mouth off to adults. Sounds more like he is not being respectful of others and maybe that's what she needs to be teaching him. If she's having trouble disciplining him, and getting him to respect others and respect the rules, then maybe therapy would be the next step.

I can't give any suggestions with the little information you have provided. But my first instinct, is to question how much responsibility has been placed on his shoulders for his younger siblings. It wouldn't be the first time that a parent has somewhat abdicated their responsibilities to an older sibling and created resentments.

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Oh, and can you clarify on the FB account? Is he allowed to have one, and he does, but then he created a 2nd fake one? Or is he not allowed to have one at all and he created a fake one? There is a big difference between those 2, in my opinion, and would make a difference in the suggestions you will get.
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2nd edit:
Just read Turnip and realize that I remember a previous post about a teen and the babysitting thing. See, that is why I said there isn't enough information in this post. And I stand by my comments regarding parental abdication of responsibility and the 14 yr old being expected to be a co-parent for the younger sibs. He's not the parent, and shouldn't be expected to behave as if he is, and that is the root of the issues she is seeing.
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I am not a psychologist, but yelling at adults--well, if you are expected to behave like one and have the responsibilities of one, why are you not allowed to act like one when it suits your own purposes?
And why would he suddenly be angry with you? Maybe because you encouraged his mom to give him even more responsibility with his younger siblings, which it sounds like he is trying to distance himself from them (or at least their noise and chaos, and probably responsibility for them as well). Maybe, just a thought, but maybe, he feels like if he is a "bad" kid, he won't be "allowed" to be around the younger kids as much.... something to consider.

Perhaps instead of a one-on-one therapy session, group therapy might help. I had a friend whose daughter was "goth" and being difficult. When the girl balked at going to group therapy, my friend told her that if she didn't, then she would go through every single thing in her room and remove everything but the mattress and sheets. Every thing. It worked. She told her daughter that she would never ask her about the sessions, but if her daughter wanted to talk about it, she'd listen.

It DID help. One time the girl said to her mom "I can't believe how immature these kids are." That's when she started improving.

Tell your friend to look into this. At this point, she should be having facebook delete this account. You should block this person he is having these conversations with. She should also go to Best Buy to the Geek Squad and have parental controls put in place. No computer in the bedroom, ever, and strict rules on any electronic usage.

Good luck to your friend.

Does he have a dad? The best thing for this kid would be to have a highly involved father, at this point. If there is no dad or other male authority figure she should get him involved in Big Brothers or something.

Pinching his brother isn't the worst thing in the world, but yelling at YOU is unbelievable, frankly. My boys, no matter how rude they were at times at home, would never have yelled at my friends, and were always polite to other adults. That to me is a red flag, and not normal aggression.

The dad or father figure needs to not only discipline this kid but spend quality time with him. A strong (but loving) male can stop an obnoxious teen boy quite easily.

Re the FB account: I think most 14 year old kids have them, so I don't know why he has a fake one??? Some kids change their age, I don't think that's a big deal. You need more description of the X rated conversation, because if he's flirting with a girl, to an extent some of that could be normal, depending.

But this kid needs a dad.

So he misbehaves when she's there to see it? He's looking for attention, and he's getting it. She could shut down the FB account because his behavior is not appropriate. He could be getting into some stuff that's going to come back and get him into trouble. And pinching/harming a child is not normal.

It doesn't matter whether he wants to talk to a therapist or not. It's not his call. But she has to be able to get him there - he's too big to physically drag into a room. That said, as defiant as he is with her, there's no way he's going to sit in an office week after week and stonewall the therapist - a skilled therapist will position himself/herself as a communicator who's there to find out what's wrong in the relationship between mother and son, and the son will happily unload on how unjust his situation is.

If she doesn't get control of him now, it's going to get worse. At 14 you can start talking to them about driving and having access to the car, and how that's just not going to happen. She's got to shut down his activities, social life, on-line life (especially), and become a lot more tech-savvy than she probably is (most teens can outsmart us parents). She also has to find out what he's looking for. That may mean getting into the therapist's office with him to work things out together. At some point he probably should have an evaluation to see if there's anything chemical going on - could be drugs, could be a chemical imbalance in him.

I know she has 4 other kids but this kid is heading for a crisis.

Something is amiss. First off, I'd get to the bottom of the FB account and why he's having these conversations. The father can ignore it, but that's how you find that your 16 yr old has a fake ID and is drinking at bars when you think she's at a friends' house (my SD's cousin...).

It is the therapist's job to get a person to talk. He might just sit and stare at the wall or he might open up. Another resource could be his school counselor.

Also, when my SS was getting aggressive when he was 12 or so, DH put him into football as an appropriate outlet for his feelings. There was a lot going on with his mom and he was taking it out on DH and that was not acceptable.

The FB thing, though. I would not chalk that up to standard teen behavior to be ignored. She needs to deal with that, not just the account, but the whys and maybe he needs a few follow up talks about relationships, love, sex, and whatever.

If he's misbehaving only around her (not true, if he's online), then what's the difference? Is he trying to negatively get her attention?

A 14 year old pinching another kid doesn't seem to be that big of a deal, and certainly not something that they should consider therapy for. It is pretty normal for an older sibling to antagonize younger siblings.

I imagine that the younger kids get much more attention than he does, simply because they need more from the parents. I suggest that your friend find some things for the 14 year old to do that the others don't get to do so he can feel somewhat special or at least that his parents recognize that he's older and can and should get to do more.

The fact that he only seems to misbehave when his mom is around is very telling. He is seeking her attention. She needs to give him some one-on-one time.

I raised my three children and then my grandson. The teens are a time of anger and frustration for many. We attributed our son's anger to being a teen and thought he would grow out of it. Our grandson had anger issues but we sought therapy and he was enrolled in an anger management class. He uses the skills he learned in that class whenever he feels angry. Overall, it helped him to develop good communication skills as well as dealing with the anger. Our bio son still has a problem with anger and we wish we had known about anger management when he was a teen. Your friend's son is acting out when he misbehaves around mother. This is a time for him to starting cutting the apron strings. Perhaps she can start letting him make more decisions and do less "mothering". Hopefully, his father is a strong role model who could help him through this. Teens have a awful of information thrown at them these days and FB is not a help. She should talk with him and express her concern with his anger issues and would like to start therapy. Usually, therapist sees teen for 45 min and then talks w/teen and parent(s) together. She needs to sell this as a help, not a threat. Most villages have therapy organizations that work on a sliding scale. The school may be able to recommend one. Be careful of accusing him of aggressive behavior when he may just be trying to assert himself but lacks understanding of the parameters. I wrote a book about our raising our grandson (Has Anyone Seen My Daisy?) and when I spoke at book signings, my talk was title: "How I learned to live with a rock start, or, they forgot to remind us the little darlings turn into teenagers!". Remember that therapy is not the answer but rather a tool for parents and teen to work together through a rough period.