Autisim Vs. Over-achiever

It seems we are in a frenzy to "diagnose" kids with either ADD/ADHD and now Autistism, usually based on an incomplete understanding of what those labels mean. You might want to come up with a couple of of non-sarcastic, non-judgmental responses to these comments, just to be prepared. It's hard, when it can be tempting to be rude back, but completely neutral responses to rude comments can be the best way to stop them.

I did not read the other responses, because I can imagine if they prompted your response that they would make me very angry, having a child with a cognative and developmental disablity myself.

IQ is one of those things that you can facilitate only to the point that they are capable. While you can create mental retardation by limiting stimulation to an extreem paucity, you cannot gain mental capacity beyond the capcity avaliable already via enrichment. High intelectual acheivement is either possible, or not possilbe, and an minimally enriched environment can and does still allow children to reach a high acheivment status. All you can say right now at age 2 is that your son may have the ablity to learn quickly and beyond his expected development. You have zero knowledge at this point if his excelleration will continue, but you should know that for more than 90% of early accelorated learners, the early gains will be gone by the time they enter the 4th grade. Young minds are elastic, but true giftedness in not identifiable until that time. He may be, but you should also know that the disapointment of many children and parents when they realize that their child is more average than they thought is hard to mediate once the child has taken on the monker of "gifted" themselves. I see this as an educational advocate, I have been contacted to help kids who do not qualify into gifted programs. Not a good idea, and very sad for these kids.

Lining things up, however, is not a function of IQ. It is a funciton of development and organizational preference. When preference becomes a barrier to learning or a ridgid factor that interferes with everyday life, it deserves to be evaluated along with other developmental aspects. It does not sound like this is a big issue for your son, at least from your perpective. I would question you about why you are so defensive about it though, and if that was the only ignorant comment you got about autism, I do not see why you would even ask your pediatrian; it seems reactionary to me, unless there is just a whole lot more than what you said. You should also know that many children with Autism are probably smarter and more capable than your son. Autism does not have anything to do with stupid, and many of us with autistic children had children who were every bit as smart as yours seems to be, and felt exactly like you do about them. You would be surprised how many of us who raised that autism question with our pediatricians about our smart kids were also written off as crazy; but we were smart enough to know different when the issues that made us think something was wrong kept hitting us in the face, no matter how smart our kids were or what our uninformed pediatrician said.

I would just caution you that you must not have any idea how you sound, and you should go back and read what you wrote, because it lacks not just enlightenment, but also empathy. All the effort in the world would not get those of us with children who have mental retardation your "result" and we are just as proud of our babies, because children do not have to earn a mothers pride because of what they can do. Pride is a function of nurture and love; by playing the results based game of "look what I did, I am such a good Mom!" you open yourself to this criticism, and you should put your big girl panties on and learn a big lesson here about how you appear to the rest of the world. I would also say to you that just because other parents have the bad taste to brag about their children's sports acheivment and some how live through their accomplishments (and I am not at all saying that they all do!) that does not mean that you then have an entitlement to be as distasteful. You are not really responsible for your son's IQ, but for the genetic information you contributed and the basic availablity of enrichment in his environment, and parents with children who excel in sports contributed the genetic information that entabled the child to excell, the parents provided the child with the enriched enviornment to practice the skill, but the child put in the practice to get there. The same will be true for your son once he is really old enough to judge his intellectual accomplishments. He is not there yet, and your contribution will be just as minimal to his accomplishment as any sports parents.

You are bragging. Your boasts are premature, and insensitive. Try enjoying your pride a little more privetly, and have a little more humility by being complentary to everyone else such that they have no idea how critically you are judeging their "inferior" skills, which is how you come off and why you are getting the reaction you are getting from so many, I gather, because it is why you are getting the reaction you are getting from me. You have zero idea how good my mothering skills are based on the outcome you would see with my very smart autistic child, my mentally deficient autistic child, or my nuerotypical high acheiver. NONE.

M.

You know, the more you prattle on about it in "so what happened," the more I wonder if you are not really worried and that is why you are so defensive about the comments, which should not be sending a grown woman into the stratosphere. Look up Asperger and read about it. They are the only group of very young children I know of who are little professors and enjoy or even seek out the opportunity to "teach" others (this is also known as monologuing, and is really one form of psychological ridigity.) If that is a repeated issue for him, see a Developmenta Pediatrician, because you seem to have more than one person who has noticed a flag and maybe the comments were not so ignorant? It is not "obvious" that he does not have an ASD by anything you said, in fact, that he has atypcial and odd friendly behaviors and has obviously learned to mimic reciprocity such that other people find it uncomfortable, could absolutly meet the criteria for atypical social interactions (the diagnositic crieteria for social interatcion does not call for a total absence of social skill, and there is no particular social skill that any child could possess that would rule out autism.) What sent you over this edge?

My son is perfectly normal in my family. Soooooo totally normal. But he's not totally normal outside of my family. It's a weird position to be in, because as parents until a child is a certain age we all (or most) do the "Yay! Look at you! Wonderful!" kind of blanket encouragement/ acchievement thing. Whether it's climbing on the jungle gym, putting paper in the recycling, peeing in the toilet, whatever. It's blanket claps and cheerleading their achievements. The thing is... as long as those are the same things as everyone else's' kids other people are okay with it... because we all (most) do it. BUT THE MOMENT it's different, either because our child is ahead or behind for *whatever* reason... other parents get snarky. For many reasons. But they do.

In my family it's normal to be reading fluently at age 3/4. Kids chapterbook type fluent. Can sound out any word, even if the don't know the meaning, but to understand meaning at about what the "cannon" considers to be about 3rd/4th grade reading/comp. That's just plain old normal. "Gifted" in my family means being able to be reading and understanding Austen/ Prost/ etc as a toddler (we've had some who have) or be doing the same with tech books (programming, etc... and we've had those who have). So in my fam Encyclopedia Brown or The Black Stallion are just normal preK reading. Not so much in the outside world.

Ditto in my fam, adhd abounds. So it's completely normal to find kids scaling the walls (literally stovepiping corners and doorframes), and for our houses to be set up as jungle gyms, with razors and skateboards being ridden indoors, and for electronics to be used as enforced downtime so the parents can get a break for an hour (they're SAFE with their little bums glued to the chair/floor/couch etc). When your toddler will happily run 3 miles and come home and continue to run all day long, and will also be THRILLED with reading not to put electronics in water and want to find out why by DOING so... well... one gets a different point of view about plugging them in for an hour or two.

Anyhow... point being is that both the adhd and the "gifted" schtuff puts most of the kids in our family outside of the "normal" box. So one learns fairly early one what/how to talk about things to other parents. BUT I absolutely refuse to downplay or *not* cheer on my son himself the way I would cheer on any child who is excited about their accomplishments.

But since other parents get snarky (out of jealousy, fear, disbelief, feeling inferior, feeling superior, etc) *unless* they just happen be really secure individuals OR happen to be in the same boat... I just don't put them in a position to do so if I can help it.

btw... for the "in the same boat" crowd/ and people who can brainstorm about the problems that go along with being outside of the box in the way your kiddo seems to be... check out
http://www.hoagiesgifted.org/

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I just want to say that I am really sick of people assuming every quirky kid has ASD. That is all.

Well, the fact that your son wants to be social and he's making effort to engage and interact with others, to me, indicates that he doesn't have autism. Here's the list of symptoms for autism from the website for Autism Speaks:

http://www.autismspeaks.org/diagnosis/index.php#DSM-IV

And here is Yale School of Medicine's link regarding the diagnostic criteria for Asperger's Syndrome:

http://info.med.yale.edu/chldstdy/autism/asdiagnosis.html

You can read these and determine for yourself if your son falls somewhere on the autism spectrum.

There is nothing wrong with a mom taking pride in her child's achievements and you should be able to blow your own horn every once in a while. You just need to have the right audience for it and know how much of a toot you can give and under what circumstances. It sounds like these particular people are not that sort of audience that enjoy seeing or hearing someone else's success story so, if I were you, when they were around, I would practice my skill of being humble as much as possible. As for the comments that they make when they see your son doing something that is above his skill level, I'd probably just say, "Oh really," and just move on to the next subject. Don't give their comments any more thought. And just focus your attention on the friends who are supportive and do want to share in your excitement about what your son is doing.

Hope this helps.

I am not going to say there is something "wrong" with you son and anyone who would throw the "A" word around who is not a doctor is annoying and offensive to me. Many kids line up cars and are neat and orderly, could be a personality thing, could be not. Hugging strangers is not really normal, I have to tell you. Reading by 18 months is not normal either....could be a good thing...could be not. At 2 years old, it is not developmentally typical for a child to ask another child to play. They do parallel play until the age of 3 although they do show their toys to one another and enjoy basic games like hide and go seek and tag. Your son could be really really advanced. He may not be. Be aware that the things you talk about like talking at 11 months, reading 50 words at 18 months are almost unheard of. People may thing you are lying or they may think there is something going on with your son, maybe good, maybe bad. If your son is that advanced, it means you are doing a great job but like other moms said, just because their kids are not at that level does not mean you are doing a better job than they are.

Also, you made no mention of his fine and gross motor skills. They may be a little behind because he seems so advanced cognitively. If they are very delayed that could indicate a problem. Your son may indeed be extremely gifted but there is the danger of him acting superior and that will ostrasize him.

Your child is "gifted", which is a label that has grown in use in recent years. My teen and pre-teen daughters are considered gifted, and my 3 1/2 year old daughter is further advanced then they were at that age so I'm sure she's "gifted" as well. It is a mixed blessing, because being gifted can come with its own set of behavioral issues. My 15 year has habits and behaviors that I consider odd and quirky, since she was as young as your son. My 3 1/2 year old displays similar tendencies (such as lining things up). Gifted children often suffer (for lack of a better word) from other behavioral disorders (ADD, ADHD, others on the autism spectrum). I have often felt my 15 year old is in that category but I never had it medically validated -- I guess because I wasn't interested in someone telling me to put her on meds, etc. She is in the gifted courses at her high school, and overall does well (although she stinks at math! LOL).

Being super intelligent does not necessarily mean your child will always have the best grades . . . be prepared for that. Their minds work differently and a "regular" classroom environment doesn't really cater to that. So when it comes time for him to go to school, find out if your school system offers a gifted program. And you may want to consider putting him in pre-school and find one for gifted children such as the Montessori programs. And educate yourself on what it means to be a parent of a gifted child. You may find this useful as a starting point: http://www.nsgt.org/articles/index.asp

Obviously, your son does not have autism.

It sounds like you're doing a great job. Your son is obviously extremely bright, I don't think lining up his toys is an indication of anything bad. He may end up being the kind of person who needs order, but that's okay.

When your child is really superior to many other kids in some way, you have to pick and choose who you brag to. Unfortunately, you can't brag as much as you want to. You can brag to family members, and to other people with similar children. You can't brag to people whose kids aren't as smart, unless maybe their children have some area in which they really excel, and then you and the mother can compare notes in that way. Example: one of my sons is EXTREMELY intelligent, and one of my friend's sons is quite bright also, but also a BRILLIANT artist, which I have noticed and commented upon since he was 5 years old. So we have been able to brag about our kids to each other.

I was definitely offended by aspects of your post. Particularly statements implying that kids who don't know the ABC song at 4 is because the parents don't work with them enough (how shocking!).

If people are expressing an opinion about your son, they may just be jealous, or they may be picking up on some behaviors that look, well, off. Pediatricians are pretty clueless about issues like Asperger's, so it's not uncommon for them to write behaviors off.

I know. My daughter has Asperger's. Actually, she has a lot in common with your son. She was saying hi at 5 months of age (considering she was weeks early, this was scary). She was able to read about 10 words at 15 months of age. Yada, yada, yada. Martha is right, this stuff is meaningless. The fact that she enjoyed doing these things was the first indicator that maybe something was off with her. And I think it came at the expense of her developing more imaginative play, which we had to work at when she was older.

I remember her pediatrician just didn't get what our concerns were. He'd just wave them off saying, "She has Einstein syndrome!" I found this to be hilarious. Nowadays, Einstein is widely regarded as having high-functioning autism!

Many kids with Asperger's are gifted. It can sometimes be hard to determine the difference between a child with Asperger's and a child that's gifted. Things to watch out for include how your child handles transitions, how he handles change in routine, how he handles things that don't go his way, how he plays (does he recreate what he sees in books or videos or does he create his own games), when he plays with others, is it his way or the highway, or is he willing to let other kids have their turn to lead play? Obviously, these questions will be way too early for you to answer yet. At 2, your son probably won't have these skills yet--no child at that age does yet. But they are some indicators to keep a watch out for as your child enters preschool later and continues to grow. If there are any issues, they should be apparent before he begins kindergarten--if you know what to look for!

Oh, and just as an aside, when my daughter was 4.5, we had her assessed. The psychologist had to cover her answers off the IQ test because my daughter was able to read them from an upside down perspective. Her IQ turned out to be a whopping 104--very average! Martha is right--early gains can be pretty meaningless. I will say that we had her reassessed a year later. At 5.5 years, she progressed very well and appears to be heading off the autism spectrum. She was given a harder IQ test (school age vs. the preschool level she had the previous year). Her IQ is now at 125. The psychologist anticipates it will ultimately settle at 140. I don't think her IQ would have gone up that much if we hadn't addressed the autism issues.

C.
www.littebitquirky.blogspot.com

Hang in there Momma!! It's wonderful to be proud of your children, but there's a fine line in being proud and coming across as judgmental of others' parenting skills. Reread Marda P's response and take it to heart. Please don't take it harshly, I don't think she meant it that way at all! Be proud of your son, but don't be offended if others are not as amazed by him as you are. I know it's very hard, but try not to compare him to other children or compare yourself to other mom's. Just be the best mom for your sweet little boy and enjoy every moment of it!!

You're child might be one of the few who could graduate high school before they are 12 yrs old and collage by 16. If I were you, I'd have a hard time keeping myself from bragging. It almost seems like people have a hard time coming across anyone they can't fit in a box, and so they try to find some label they think might fit (even if they have no idea what they are talking about).
Your son sounds very gifted (sorry, you're going to hear this one a lot), and you might want to begin to look into educational opportunities that will work best for a gifted child. Congratulations!

Relax and enjoy him.
Academics will always be second to athletics - we are discovering this now that our oldest is getting ready for college. You need to be brilliant to get into some institutions unless you play sports.. in which case, they'll help you out.
We believe that academics must come first because regardless of your athletic prowess. (It's not your athletic prowess that is going to pay the bills... unless you are one in a million.) My kids are smart. I am proud of them. They are musically inclined - another skill they can use forever... Do what is best for your boy.
Ignore the comments from family and friends.
Enjoy your boy.

Please don't think something is wrong with your lil guy. To be honest I was reading your question and it sounded just like my son.
He just turned two, knows all his letters, the sounds each make, can read *to an extent* can count to 10, etc
MY son helps me clean & LOVES to line his toys up.
You're right. Not only is your son like that because it's part of his personality, but it is because YOU are allowing him to be that way.
I think so many people think that kids are stupid. You're doing a great job with him and I say keep it up...see what else you can teach him.
If he's anything like my son he will be SOO excited to learn new things.
Well done & Be proud mama!

I also think there is a BIG difference between just telling stories about your boy, and bragging. Just because your son might be farther along in some things than other kids Does NOT mean YOU can not talk about it to other moms or people. My sisters & mom think it's hysterical how my son helps me clean & organize.

Ignore what others say, your boy is fine and you are TOTALLY able to talk about him however you want.