Bonding with the Step Child...

Updated on March 09, 2008
V.R. asks from Pacoima, CA
5 answers

I have a three month old who obviously needs constant attention and a step son the age of six. ...Tips on bonding with him... Please He seems distant and sometimes whispers to his dad and sometimes doesn't want to sit by me. Because of his home influences he's a little snobby believe it or not and expects things at the snap of his finger. He also gets very down if there is no attention on him.

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A.G.

answers from Las Vegas on

Hi V.,

I too have a bonus-son (4 1/2) and a 13 month old daughter. Is he an only child at his mom's house? Our son is and it was a rougher adjustment for him with a little sister. He just wasn't used to having to share at home (his home with us or with his mom.) If he's the only child, he probably would get things at the snap of a finger, just because there's no one else taking mom and dad's attention, also add in the guilt mom and dad are feeling over the divorce, unconcious motives on either party's part to "make up" for the divorce or even to secure the child's affections. I don't mean this in a negative way toward either parent, but we are all human and do things without realizing them. All the factors play into his "snobby" attitude, so keep that in mind and know that he's too young for that to be his fault. :) Not to sound snippy!!!!

Also, I wonder what your relationship was with him before your baby was born. If your relationship wasn't strained before his little brother or sister was born, I would talk to him, let him know that you love him just as much as you did before the baby was born. Our son and I talked when his sister was born and he was wondering how we could love his sister without loving him less. I told him that my heart got bigger when his sister was born, so I could love them both just as much. I guess that sounds corny, but I wanted to reassure him and those were the words that came into my head!! :) :)

Also, give him the opportunity to be involved in his sibling's care. We would let our son hold his sister (with us right there of course) I would ask him to help me pick out her clothes, or hand me a diaper. Sometimes he enjoyed helping, sometimes he had no interest and I didn't press the issue if he wasn't interested. But I would ooh and aah over what a great big brother he was and how much his sister loves him. I'd point out when she'd smile at him and he got a kick out of it. It took longer for them to bond, because we only have him half the time. :( But they are really close now, they play together (usually chasing each other around the house, yelling like loons!)and he is currently trying to teach her new words.

With regard to bonding with him, I would just treat him as if he were your son. My husband and I try to each have one-on-one time with each of our children. I know that I am not his mom, but I love him as if I were. While I want to respect the fact that he has a mom, I never want him to feel left out. So sometimes, Dad plays with our daughter and he and I do something, just us two. Not even anything big, we colour or do a craft, we play legos or Chutes & Ladders. If I make a cake or cookies or whatever, we'll get a step stool and he helps. He gets to choose the colour of the frosting on the cake. I guess just the little things you would do with your three-month old when he/she is 6. I think kids are smart and they know when we are hiding something or being phony, just like an adult would. My husband often says kids aren't dumb, just inexperienced. So I wouldn't try and force anything that didn't feel natural to you and him. No grand gestures, just doing things together that you both enjoy. Like another person suggested, finding out what he likes and go from there.

I hope that I was able to help you and didn't sound preachy or condescending. It is a tough thing being part of a blended family, but we knew this when we fell for a guy who had a child. I had a friend who had a son when he was 7, she met her current husband. This guy loved her and wanted to be with her, he wanted children with her, and knew that in order to get her, he had to take her son too. This was a really good guy, but I thought his attitude was crummy. I like to think of it this way: I fell in love with a wonderful guy. Lucky me, I not only got the man of my dreams, he came with a bonus package--his son!! My poor husband, all he got was me!! ;)

Again, I hope you found some of my rambling helpful!

A. :)

1 mom found this helpful
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A.V.

answers from Grand Junction on

Well step mother always told me that she wasn't my mother and she wasn't trying to be my mother. She always acted as a friend too me. Too this day we are still very close and she has been in my life for 20+ years. I was about 3 when she became part of my life. Maybe he can help you with the baby. TEll him that the baby needs his help. He can tell the baby stories help feed the baby unless you are breastfeeding, etc.

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C.S.

answers from Las Vegas on

As a Vegas (native) resident, I hate buffets! My husband loves them. So, about once a month he and my daughter would take off and go stuff their face at a buffet and then come back laughing about something goofy they did. He also always managed to pick out the best gifts for her, so I always made it a point and game to say that he was the only one who could buy her anything because she doesn't like what I pick for her.

Best of luck. Brace yourself because it isn't easy, but all worth it. She has said some really dumb things just to spite him and he just laughs and turns a cheek, but she loves him dearly.

C.

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M.Z.

answers from Los Angeles on

I really liked Amy's response. I couldn't agree more. You just need to involve him in more activities around the house, and his new sibling. There are so many ways to show him he's loved. Rent one of his favorite movies, along with some popcorn, a cup of hot cocoa with whip cream. Take him out for some one on one alone time with just the two of you. Find out what his favorite things to do are and get involved that way. If he's snobby maybe it has something to do with what's going on in the other house, and you never know what the mom may be saying to him. Try and play some fun board games too!! It will all come together in do time. It's an adjustment for him and he probably feels like he has to compete with the new baby. My daughter goes to her "other" dad's house every other weekend.

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B.P.

answers from San Diego on

well i believe you should do things that he likes to do like go to a museam or park or what ever he likes that will help him realize that he can trust you and love you even though your not his real mom let him have fun with you and try to forget hes not your biological son

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