Brother with Cancer

You have a hard decision in telling him about his life. He may or may not react very well to the news. Be prepared for any anger or shouting or withdrawing from society. It is part of living with an illness. The best thing for you is to be there and not be judgemental. If you can get the other members of your family together in a family meeting call one and explain what has happened and how you are all going to handle the remaining days.

The doctor is right about your brother making the decisions on his treatment. We as family members want the member to do everything to stay here with us but we do not know when we will be called home and that is the hard part.

As a couple of the posters mentioned, make a video or a photo album up that he can look through and reflect on fond memories. Also do get a list of all financial and medical especially the HIPPA documents and wills and things including computer passwords and put them all in one spot so that when things are needed you will find them.

Above all, live each day as you have lived it to maintain a sense of normalcy for him. Don't dwell on the upcoming but on the present. Take him out to smell the roses and see the sights and smell the air and enjoy a warm day as they have new meaning to him now. In fact do a picnic with the blanket and basket under a tree in the park. It is one that you can not understand unless you have been down that road and survived.

I too am going through something similar and am looking at each day as another day of having hubby in my life and at home.

Just give him a sense of peace and dignity.

I will keep you in my thoughts. The other S.

So sorry for your brother and his diagnoses. No matter what happens or what your brother chooses to do, make sure that right now he gets all of his legal documents in order - things like his will, medical power of attorney, DNR paperwork, HIPPA documents giving other family members access to his medical records, beneficiaries on any life insurance plans, etc. Having all these things in order will make decision making much easier should he become incapacitated or otherwise unable to make clear decisions regarding his health care. The last thing anyone wants to decide in those stressful times is what he would have wanted.

I'm sorry to hear about your brother. When my Father-in-law was diagnosed with lung cancer, the family decided to just spend as much time with him. I would come home from work and take him for walks. We spent lots of time over there anyway, but we just let him talk about things that we didn't know. It was hard for us to tell my kids what was going on. They were 6 and 4 at the time. I know this may not help but all I really am getting at is be honest with everyone involved. There are some Hospice programs that will help with understanding the grief and the emotions of this very emotional time. If he doesn't want kimo, then you need to discuss with his doctor choices in Hospice or Home Health Care. These places help with care and also the emotional side of things. Also discuss getting his affairs in order. I know it all may sound grim, but if it is terminal, then you need to be somewhat prepared. You also need to discuss whether or not you want a "Do Not Recesitate" Order (also known as a DNR). This is a legal document that prevents anyone from administering life saving techniques (such as CPR). If he is in fact terminal, I suggest one. This means if an ambulance is called, they can not do anything if he is dying. I know this really sounds grim, but my father-in-law had one and he seemed to be more at peace with the fact that he was going to be with The Lord. I hope this helps. I don't know if it will, but we lost my father-in-law almost 2 years ago and there were things that we did that helped and things that we didn't do that would have made the transition better. I'm sorry for what your family is going through. Just remember that The Lord loves all of his children and will take care of all of us.

I am so sorry to hear about your brother. My mother passed away about two years ago from leukemia. She spent exactly ten years fighting the disease before her body could not handle it anymore. Your brother will need to ultimately make the dicision to either go through chemothereapy and try to fight his cancer or to just continue on without any treatment. It is a tough decision to make, but it sounds like he has a very loving family to help him through it. Chemotherapy is a very tough treatment on the body. He will feel very sick, weak, miserable, and will probably lose even more weight. These are factors to account for, especially if the doctors do not think it will help much to save his life. Whatever he chooses to do, just stand by him and support him. One thing I regret about my mother is not being with her as much as I could have been. It can be hard to be around your loved one when they are really sick, but you have to keep telling yourself that this may be the last few days, weeks, months that I will get to see them. When people are sick they tend to go through many stages like denial, depression, acceptance. Maybe getting a book about how to cope with illness would be a good idea so you can empathize with how he will be feeling. In the end, we all have a very short time to live, so just being with your family and supporting each other is sometimes the best you can do. Good luck and best wishes to you and your family.

I don't have much experience with cancer, but when you wrote that your brother is saved, that's what is important. It's hard to deal with a love one not being around anymore, but to know that he's right with God and has peace, that's priceless. I heard a preacher once say, how the devil tries to confuse us with death, we should be excited when the doctor's say we don't have much time left, we know we will be with our Heavenly Father, and it might bother the devil so much that we have some extra years still here on earth. We can't fear anything, that fear will only steal our joys... So make a video with your brother, talk about the old days, how he wants to be remembered, enjoy every day with him!
My God give you and your family the peace that passes all understanding!

Your brother may want to speak to an oncologist to see if chemotherapy is a viable option.
Also, getting Hospice care would be an option. They can give him quality and dignity during this time as well as managing pain and any other symptoms. They also support the family during this time as well.
Keep praying. God's blessings to you and yours.

Are you saying that you know the diagnosis and no one else does? Does that mean your brother is incapable of making decisions?

I'm sorry you are going through this, I know it must be heartbreaking to see a loved one go through so much pain and the unknown.

All medical treatments are his decision. I have not had cancer but I have had friends go through chemo and it is terrible. However, they have pulled through. It takes a very strong person with a will to survive.

Whatever he chooses, bless you for being a kind sister trying to do anything to help.

I am wondering if you meant Chemotherapy...if yes...if your brother has been diagnosed terminal I would not at this age reccomend it.
If he used the chemo...and gained six months...what would the quality of life be?
I recently lost my cousin to cancer...she was 60 as well...it did nothing but prolong the inevitable and she was miserable.
I can only tell you what I saw...pain and anger. the chemo only helped her live 3 months longer and she died in pain anyway.
Talk to an Oncology nurse (they specialize in cancer patient care) she might be able to help you with ideas on how to make him comfortable.
I am sorry for this in your life, it is hard, God Bless

Having worked as a social worker with terminally ill patients and their families, I fully believe honesty is the best policy. Just being completely upfront about his diagnosis and prognosis and then just weighing all the options. I would ask the oncologist about what chemotherapy would get him. Sometimes chemo will only get you a couple more months at best and those months are filled with the horrible side effects of chemo and then many patients feel it isn't worth it. If you all decide that you just want to let him go peacefully and with as little as pain as possible, I would strongly recommend getting hospice involved. They are wonderful with pain management as well as they have chaplains, social workers, etc to help the family work through the grieving process. They can really walk with all of you through this whole process. I am so sorry about all of this but so thankful that he has found His Savior and what a comfort to know that he will be with Jesus! I pray for wisdom, comfort and peace on you and your family through all of this. Feel free to send me a message anytime. Blessings!

My dad was diagnosed with cancer 12 years ago and given 2 months to live. By grace of God he still lives, but it has not been easy. My husband was injured in the military several years ago and 7 times we were told "he won't be alive in the morning". I do understand what you are going through. To help us cope, we as a Christian family came to the realization that if they live, we win, but if they die we win too! Jesus gave His life so we could have eternal life and only be separated for a short time. For those that are left behind, Isaiah 53 says "He bore our griefs and carried our sorrows". I suggest watching Jesse Duplantis' Close Encounters of the God Kind DVD. The DVD helps curb that fear of death. Also, help your brother fufill any dreams he has, to be satisfied in the life that he has had.

Dear E.,

All of the responses you have received are giving you wonderful recommendations. Get all of the before mentioned paperwork in order. I work for a Medical Supply Company and I can tell you that without it being in place already, no one will be allowed by law to talk to you without the documentation. I would also contact a Hospice Care. They are wonderful at what they do!!! Your brother will be made comfortable and they will respect your wishes on how things are to be handled. They will come in and take care of everything possible for you, including medicine, equipment, etc. Your Doctor should be able to recommend one for you. Praise God that he has found salvation in our Lord! That alone can bring a comfort like no other. You are in the prayers of many.

B. B.

my dad was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer in January- (never smoked in his life) He has been thru 2 types of chemo and the second one seems to be helping. I will tell you that chemo is VERY h*** o* the body and makes then feel much worse before/and if they start feeling better. Its a hard thing to watch. Treatment is a very personal decision and not one that you or anyone else can make for him. We wanted my dad to try a million different things if thats what it took.. and he said no, he was not going to miserable for what was left of his life by "experimenting". The doctors said that the chemo would prob not extend the amount of time he had, but rather make it more comfortable for him. You just have to enjoy the time you have left together and take it one day at a time. Because, things can change that quickly. Good luck to you and your family. I will be thinking of you as we are going thru the same heartache.

I am sorry to hear about your brother's diagnosis. Remember that only God knows when we will die and that will only be when He is ready for us. Knowing that your brother is now a Christian should bring you and your family some strength. Sometimes the Chemo that they suggest is a very low dose that will allow your brother to feel better but not become cancer free. I'm not sure what his options are as far as that goes. This will be a very hard time for your mom. Be there for her. She is going to want to mother your brother. Support her in this and help her. Talk to your brother's dr. about hospice care. They will help him manage his pain and will be a good help to your family as you face this trial. Your family is starting the grieving process even though you have not yet lost your brother. Involve your brother in every day things. Help him do things that he enjoys and that he is strong enough to participate in. Laugh with him. Have him tell stories especially if he has children or grandchildren and record them. Love him and let him know that you love him. And finally lots and lots of prayer. God is the great physician and his will for your brother and family will be done. The bible tells us that if we will pray BELIEVING God will answer our prayers.

Praying for you and your family
A.