Carrying over Punishment???? Yes or No?

Immediate punishment is the best becuase children (even seven year olds), associate the punishment with the previous deed. if you give her a punishment 20 minutes later, she won't understand why she is getting it (even if you explain it to her). On the spot is definately better, even if you are in the middle of a shopping center, you can sit her on the floor for a few minutes.

Hi D., It seems that the 5 min. time-out is not effective, so you do need to try something else. We always disciplined by making the "punishment fit the crime". Perhaps you can try taking away the t.v. time for the day...or a specific period of time.( Maybe the next scheduled time would be taken away )You don't say if this is at bedtime, or just any time. I don't think taking away the computer too is really fair; that's like punishing twice for one offense. Kids are smart; they know when mom and dad don't agree, so be careful that she doesn't hear when you and your husband discuss this problem; you may find that she plays one of you against the other. Pray for wisdom and peace; God is sure to answer. Peace to you and yours, Ginnie

Discipline needs to be immediate for it to be effective. Just having a time-out isn't going to solve your problem with her. First of all if a time out is given it should be 1 minute per year in age. She should have 7 minutes sitting in a spot strictly designated for inappropriate behavior. Afterwards you nedd to follow up with effectively communicating to her why she was put there. She needs to be able to tell you what she did wrong, offer an explanation as to why she didn't listen, she needs to brainstorm ways in which she can improve and do better with this in the future, and most importantly she needs to apologize to you. You also need to make sure she knows how YOU feel about this. She needs to know why it makes you upset. SHe needs to know she is the kid & you are the adult and she needs to repect you and what you say. Then you need to CLEARLY tell her the consequences for her behavior. "Next time if you do not listen, you will sit in the naughty spot for 7 minutes and then you will bring me your favorite toy & I will put it away until you can earn it back by repecting me and doing as I say. You need to be consistant no matter what. Consistancy and communication are key. Good luck.
A.

well, 1st of all, they say that for time-outs you should have 1 min per year the child is of age. and the older that they are, the more you can add minutes to the years they are of age. i think by 7, you should be up to 10 min...but AT LEAST 7 according to what they say.

of course, like i read in other suggestions...if this is a re-occurring problem, time-outs just aren't working anymore. i personally would have it carried out as far as you can. if it's no tv for a week, then it should be no matter where you are. the problem with that is that when she's at a friend's house, you can't expect the friend's mother to not let her kid not watch tv, or play on the internet just because your kid is being punished. i would just keep it to where if she were going somewhere with you, the punishment continues. BUT if she wants to play with friends, just tell her that they just have to come over. this way you can monitor what she is and is not doing and not have to worry about carrying out the punishment at a friend's house. and by making her bring a friend over, you can't be accused of grounding her AND taking away something...being that grounding means that you can't go anywhere, and can't do anything, AND most certainly can't have any friends over. or at least that's what grounding was when i was a kid. and to be honest, it worked so well, i think i was only grounded 2 times (both by my stepfather...and both my mother cut short...but it still worked)

i hope that something helps. it's just hard for some people to punish their kids for doing certain things that just seem menial. plus, some people think they're being too hard when they're barely doing any punishing, while others think they're not being too hard, and they're going way overboard. who's to say what's the proper punishment and what's not...i guess it all has to do with how bad she mis-behaved. good luck.

Hi D., Punishment is a tough thing...both on you and your child. I once took a class about Parenting and in it was told that when you punish for a long time ex. week, month etc that the kids learn to adjust and that the grounding is tolerable to them. They find other things to do. I found the time out to be good. A minute per age and while in time out you need to act as if the child doesn't exist. Make no contact with them. If they talk to you ignore them. I also found when they were younger that going to bed earlier then usual like right after dinner would make them think twice about listening to me. They really didn't like that punishment. My son was the funniest with time out. When ever he was in time out he would say, I love being in time out...I needed to relax. This is the best thing you could do for me. I sometimes would give them chores to do if they didn't listen. Maybe cleaning the windows, dusting, emptying the dishwasher, cleaning a bathroom. Something constructive that would also help me. Also remember when you punish...don't punish yourself and if you threaten...be ready to follow through with it. There are some punishments that can be carried over to another time when you are out but time out when you are out works well too. If you ask me it's all a learning process with kids. As my kids got older I would take away phone privileges or mostly give them chores to do. I found most of it worked but there are some times when grounding (when they are older) has to be. Always make the punishment fit the crime. Let them know there are consequences for their actions. I don't know if this helped but good luck. D.

my husband and i dont agree on punishment either. im a stay at home mom,so my kids tend to ask me if they can have or do things. when it comes time for discipline i give it out. if they dont like it, then they go to dad. i feel at the age of 7 a five min. time out is pointless. my oldest is 8 and no longer gets time outs that dont last less that 1/2 hour. i also feel that at that age taking things that mean alot to them away has more of an effect. punishment is ment to punish, and teach then not to do the thing that got them in trouble again, punishment is not asking them to behave.

I think your husband and you need to come to an agreement. I think your punishment is too light, she won't listen to you if she only has a 5 minute time out, that's not much of a punishment. However, if she knows she will lose her computer or tv for a while it might be worth it for her to listen to you. Maybe you can make it so she loses it for a day not a whole week, but there must be compromise in there somewhere. If your way isn't working you should try your husbands way. As a Christian myself I find it hard to submit to my husband sometimes but it is what God asks of us. At least submit to him partially and you may be glad you did. It may only take once of this harsh punishment for her to want to stop disobeying you.

i agree with your hsuband sorry. she is 7 years old time out for 5 mints isnt enough. she disobeys u. i say start taking things away from her for a week or two depending on what she did wrong. my son is 5 years old and i take things away from him

at age 7, time outs won't work anymore. She is now in school where she is expected to follow instructions and rules and, I assume, does so with no problems. If this is the case, she is ready to assume the consequences of her actions if she disobeys. Make sure that you talk to her when you are NOT in confrontation mode. Let her know that every action has a consequence, both good and bad. If she follows your directions consistantly, she will be able to use the television for one hour. If she doesn't follow your directions, she will not be able to watch the television. Simple, to the point and HER choice to follow instruction or not. you are NOT punishing her, you are giving her the CONSEQUENCES of her actions.

I have a great book that is so wonderful in teaching parents how to effectively parent their children. It is called Common Sense Parenting by Ray Burke... It is amazing. I actually took a parenting class where this book was used and it was amazing the results I had! Good Luck!

I believe that whenever possible a "discipline" should be a logical or natural consequence of the child's actions. In your situation, no TV or no toys (or whatever she didn't clean up) for a period of time (not sure what is appropriate time at age 7) is most appropriate to send the point home. Taking away the toys is something that you enforce at home, but doesn't need to be enforced elsewhere (unless it's a toy she likes to take to a friends). I think time-outs are effective in certain situations, but not relevant to turning off the tv and cleaning up. Here are some links to a few articles about locial and natural consequences:

http://www1.dshs.wa.gov/ca/fosterparents/training/natlog/...

http://parentingteens.about.com/cs/disciplin1/a/consequen...

I truly believe them to be most effective. I was a social worker working with families and teaching parenting before becoming a parent myself.

HTH

Hi, D.,

Here's my question to you: If your daughter disobeying you is a "continuous problem" for you, then is punishment working at all? It sounds to me like you and she are locked in a cycle that is not likely to improve with age.

My strong suggestion is to get a copy of Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish's book, "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk." You can get it anywhere, even the library has it, though if you can, I would suggest getting your own copy. Punishment and rewards seldom, if ever, work, and their book can help you see how to approach the situation a little differently so you can she can both get what you need.

Ideally, you want to be able to ensure that everyone gets what they need: You need order, but it's not a priority for her. That doesn't mean that you can't have her help in creating order, but it may mean that you have to shift your perspective a bit so she doesn't feel locked into the vicious cycle of disobey-punish-disobey-punish.

I know that's not the question you asked, but it may be something worth considering. I hope this helps a little! I know that my answer is a little vague; if you would like to discuss this further, please feel free to send me a message.

sounds like my home! As a former teacher, i realize for children 5 minutes is an eternity. i think 10 minutes for a 7 year old is fair. Our rules is NO TV on school nights. It works, I have 3 children, 6 1/2, 5, 8 months. They behave so much better than when they watch TV. They did not like it at first, but now its just the rules and they except it! Good Luck!

Hi D.! I am a mother of a 6 year old girl and know EXACTLY what you are going through. Frankly, I don't think a 5 minute time out is going to cut it if this is a continuous problem. We are having this same issue with our 6 year old. If she is disobeying we threaten that she will either lose the computer, tv or be grounded to her room for an hour (not that we offer all of these things at one time but it depends on what worked the last time). If she continues to disobey then we follow through. If it is has gotten to the point that a daily punishment (i.e. removing computer access at night or grounding to the room for an hour) is not working, then I agree with extending the time of the punishment. Although, I think I would agree with you that I would not make this punishment be carried out at a friend's house.

Lastly, my sister had a big problem with her oldest growing up and used to carry out punishments if her daughter was going to our mother's house or a relative. I don't think she carried it out at friend's homes but, frankly, maybe going to a friend's house is a treat and shouldn't be allowed during a time period that she is punished?

It's so hard knowing right from wrong. I guess you just have to know what is best for your child. However, one thing I know for sure is that you and your husband need to have a plan to stay on the same page or you have the potential of being manipulated by your child. I have also learned that the hard way!!!

I hope all of this rambling was helpful!!!!

A.

~~~Mother of two beautiful girls, 6 yrs. and 21 mos.~~

My advice is that if bad behavior occurs, do a time out on the spot. Warn her that if it occurs again that she will lose TV/computer priviledges for the day (or whatever priviledge). Then she can choose whether it is worth it to misbehave. But follow through if she continues to misbehave! Even if she goes to a friend's house later that day, no TV and computer.

I do think a week is way too long. And a time out isn't enough if the behavior keeps occuring. We get great compliance with the warning, and we have certainly taken priviledges away for the day. If the behavior occurs at bedtime, we warns her that if it continues, no TV or computer the whole next day.

Good luck!

At 7 years old, I think she's a little past the point of a 5 minute time out, that's really preschool punishment. She knows that she is being disobedient, and since she continues to do it, your punishment is clearly not bothering her. At 7 years old, she doesn't need the instant punishment of a younger child who cannot yet reason. If you remind her every night that there's no t.v. for the week because she did XXXXXXX, she will understand and remember perfectly. Give her credit for her intelligence and maturity of her age.

At 7, loss of privileges is an appropriate punishment, but for to be effective, it needs to be consistent, and that's where you may have a problem. If you are with her at a relatives house, you can enforce that she can't be in a room with t.v., but if she is at another child's house for a play date, you really can't dictate that the other child share her punishment or that another parent enforce it.

Another way of approaching the problem is not by starting out with all privileges and taking them away as "punishment" but to start with NO privileges and having her earn them with good behavior.

Good luck

hello D., i am a mother of 3 girls and two beautiful grand daughters. i believe that the punishment should fit the crime, in so saying,the tv and computer should be turned off immediately after a 10min. warning, if she does not do as you say then the privilege should be taken away for the rest of the day. at 7 years of age a five min. time out is too lenient and a week without the tv/computer is too harsh. good luck

Hi D.,
I'd agree with your husband, although it will undoubtedly make YOUR life harder, because you're the one who has to carry out the punishment, which will probably be a hassle, instead of nice quiet TV time! But in the long run, I think that threatening such a punishment, and then carrying through if necessary, just a few times, will carry you far. I bet she'll start listening more when faced with a consequence she doesn't like. I mean, let's face it, most of us do the things we have to because we HAVE to, there are bad consequences if we don't. We can't expect children to behave better than we do.

I have to add, though, that I may not enforce the punishment at other people's houses because 1. it's unfairly embarrassing for your child and 2. it impacts the other kid. But it's a good threat to keep in your back pocket! It may not be a bad idea, though, to institute a "no tv/computer during playdates" rule. The whole point of playdates is to play, right?

Good luck!
D.