Children Fighting - Beverly Hills,CA

Balance. And do NOT force them to be friends if they have nothing in common. They need to respect each other, but they are not the same people and biology does not guarantee closeness. I have a step sister that is 20 years older than I am, no bio connection and I lover her to pieces. People think we are actually related. I have a 1/2 sister that I was raised with and we have NOTHING in common. Never did. We were never friends. We were sisters, and I love her, but we are not close. Right now, they are babies, they aren't fully developed emotionally - probably more like puppies in how they get all over each other (LOL). Balance is the way to go, and letting them be who they are and not make things "equal" - that's a killer, too, because it never can be.

This will get better IF, and only IF, you invest a lot of time into teaching them how to get along and how to respect each others 'no.'

Please search 'Sibling Rivalry' on this site as there are tons of the same questions with gobs of great advice....Read on sister!!

http://www.mamapedia.com/search?query=sibling+rivalry

From personal experience, I don't think kids should be left to their own devices to sort these types of differences out when they are so young. They need to be taught.

I have 3 kids, with 2 still at home, and they fought too over toys. Once I figured out how to role model correct ways of getting what they wanted, it worked and they always get along.

2.5 and 1 are not old enough to manage their relationship on their own.

Find ways to keep them physically separated when you are not in the room/space with them. Use a Pack-n-play, install a swinging gate in a door, put the older child in a child-proofed room-- whenever you need to take a minute for yourself. So, going to the bathroom? Put baby in the crib to play and put your older girl in a completely separate space.

My rule as a nanny with young children was never to leave them alone together. If I'd had a second child, that would still be my rule.

Your older girl is still getting used to being a person and being a big sister. My guess is that your younger one has recently become mobile and so conflict IS a natural progression. Your toddler is living the toddler creed: everything is "Mine". Thus, she is not viewing little sister as a playmate, but as a threat to her view of everything being 'hers'. This is a very real upset for toddlers, who still process loss in their brains as "pain"-- this triggers her pain receptors and anger, hence, acting out. Little sister sees that this is how we deal with our anger and bites, likely out of some teething pain and some frustration. She's learning that biting makes big sister stop for a moment.

At some point, they are going to forget this. They are going to both be old enough that you can guide them *both*.

One thing I did/suggest during conflict with pre-verbal children is to model a LOT of what you want to see. If you are wanting your toddler to ask the baby when she wants the toy baby is playing with, then I also do that 'for' the baby. When I see the younger, pre-verbal child going after an item the older one has (or getting into their space) I become the 'voice' for that child. "Little sister ask: 'Can I use that toy?" Give your older one a chance to respond, then if it's a 'no' then move on. "Okay, I'll use it later." and then distract/redirect your younger one.

Be this 'voice' for them both as they learn how to check-in with each other when they've hurt each other, or when one or the other needs space/toys, etc. You will be doing this coaching for a LONG time.

One other thing, I have found that toddlers have a very hard time 'sharing' in the "you have it for five minutes, I have it for five minutes" sort of way. I would encourage you to have your child wait until the other one is done using something (clearly done, put it down, doing something else) before offering it to the next child. I have also found that sometimes the older child is receptive to playing in the Pack-n-Play if they have toys they *don't* want to share. Then, the other one can also be redirected, offered other toys, and you can have her play in a different space.

I have quite a few friends who had tough growing-ups with their siblings but are now close. Two sisters I know who had tattled/gotten each other into trouble regularly now are very good friends with each other'; one recently divorced and they now share an apartment and are doing a pilgrimage walk through Europe together this spring. All that to say, fear not. This is only the beginning.:)

Please re-read Hazel's excellent post. She nailed it.

Also, be sure you don't have expectations that are not age-appropriate for your girls. They are both far too young to sit and play together for more than the shortest of times, and sharing? Certainly don't expect that of a one-year-old, and at two and a half your older child is only starting to get that idea. Read up on child development so you fully know what to expect, realistically, at their ages and in the years to come.

Worrying about whether they will be close when they are older, based on baby and toddler squabbling, is only sapping your energy and wasting your time. The two things aren't related; they could fight all the time early on and be friends later.

But do also be sure that as they grow up, you are not building other unrealistic expectations for them -- it's not realistic to expect siblings to be close or even to have a lot in common. They may be good friends and close sisters, which is great; or they may be friendly and have totally different interests and personalities and say hi as they go their separate ways. Please take care not to make them feel they are letting Mom down if they aren't very close and loving all the time.

I had some of my kids very close in age, 12 months, 14 months, 19 months apart for some. They did fight but I didn't let them 'work it out' as at those young ages they aren't able to work it out it's only one beat up the other or hit or bite the other, etc. You have to teach them to treat each other right. I baby sat some for our twin grandson's and that was more even aged fighting and I had to say no it's his turn and then you can have it and they did learn by me sitting there and seeing that they learned to take turns and share. Same with my own kids. If they hit I had the one who hit hug the other and sit on a chair until he did. Even at that age it's amazing how some will refuse to hug until the are really ready to be 'sorry'. They now play very well together and share well most of the time at my house. It's such a big job teaching your children that sometimes we want to let it go and let them 'survive'. I don't see it that way long term. Tell them 'we love each other' and keep at it and they will love each other and be friends for life.

They are very young and at those ages, really don't have much understanding about sharing and cooperating or any of that - that comes later. You can start teaching them the words for it, but at the ages they are, all kids are relatively egotistical and pretty much believe that everything revolves around them. They can't be expected to figure things out for themselves because they won't have the tools for it until they are closer to 4 or 5 - and even then you will need to intervene sometimes. Decide what behaviors are absolute no-nos and won't be tolerated - hitting, biting, etc. You can maybe start introducing the 2 year old to the concept of time-out if she misbehaves, but may be more about separating them if it gets out of hand. Whatever consequence you choose, it needs to be consistent, and it can't be for every little thing - it means more if it's for 2 or 3 big things. Sometimes fighting over a toy or a game may mean IT gets put in "time out" and NOBODY gets to play with it!

I would try to balance things between letting them spend time together if they are playing nicely, and doing things apart sometimes too. My stepsons were only 13 months apart in age and I think growing up they were always expected to do everything together and that might be a reason why they don't always feel too close to each other now (ages 18 and 19). It was like they weren't ever treated as separate individuals, just lumped together as "A-and-B", and didn't really appreciate it. Same activities at the same time, etc. They have different personalities too, so that also plays a role.

I think some degree of conflict and fighting is inevitable - it's unrealistic that they will never squabble and always love each other and get along. Do you have siblings? Did you guys always get along growing up or were there fights and arguments and bickering sometimes along the way? Rather than expecting them to never argue or bicker, why not teach them better ways to resolve their differences? Or sometimes just see when maybe they need a break from each other to cool off?

My sister was HORRIBLE to me for most of our childhood, to the point of giving me a black eye when I was in 8th grade. When she moved away to college and found out that there were worse things in life than a little sister, we started to get closer. I ended up living with her during college, and we are now best friends, and are each other's kids' Godmothers.

My little brothers are just over 2 yrs apart in age but have been inseparable throughout their lives--literally--we were constantly pulling them apart from fighting, well into their teen years. Yet, they've always loved each other very intensely. Even when the older of the 2 started showing signs of mental illness, and all his childhood friends abandoned him, my youngest brother has remained his best friend.

Every child needs special alone time with the significant adults in their lives. They will certainly have plenty of time to play together and bicker throughout their lives, but that time out is also quite important. My oldest son is 6, middle is almost 4, and the youngest is almost 2. They fight, but also hug and kiss like crazy. Each of them gets special time out of the house with me about once a month. Other times I might keep 1 of them up later than the others to give them more time, or wake 1 from a nap early.

I disciplined biting and hitting firmly (swatted butts and they each only tried each thing once) because it's wrong and I didn't want to have to hover and I didn't want them to do it to other kids. It's very easy to nip (if you're firm enough) at these young ages and then you never have to worry again.

As for actual "fighting", wrestling, yelling, arguing, yes, my kids do it. Again, I discipline it enough so that they stop if I warn them, and I can rely on them not to do it if there are guests or we are out. But I let them blow off steam and fight in our home sometimes sure. Yes they have always fought (but no biting, hitting, etc), and so far at 7, 5 and 3 they are inseparable best friends (whenever they're not fighting). When does it stop? Heck my brother and I fought until we moved out of the house-but we were very close too.

You need to find a balance. My boys get along better when they have time away from one another, and I have always made sure they have had this. Let them have alone time with dad/granny/nanny, or even send them off to their own rooms for a little while each day. As they get older have them in seperate pre-school classes and go on play dates alone. They will still have plenty of opportunity to bond with one another and practice their problem solving skills.

There are no guarantees.
Some siblings are best friends for life while others are life long enemies.
My sister (22 months younger than me) and I fought like cats and dogs.
To this day (I'm 51), my scalp is still desensitized from all the hair pulling - and we pulled out handfuls of it.
Sometimes she would not quit kicking my bike (she had the exact same bike in her favorite color) till I knocked her down and sat on her.
Her favorite mantra was "I'm telling Mom!" and I'd say "Go ahead! You can explain to her why you were trying to break my stuff!".
It was a sheer nightmare growing up with her.
We still don't get along.
We can't be in the same room for 15 minutes before I'm wrong about something/anything.
We prefer it that we live in different states and sending Christmas cards is the most contact we can tolerate.
From my perspective - it's better to separate them so they don't hurt each other.
They might be friends when they are older or maybe not.
At least you can be sure the fighting will stop when they grow up and move away from each other.

Let them play together and fight together. It's what siblings do.

My sister and I fought like cats and dogs EVERY DAY! Even got physical some times. BUT we are now, and always have been, best friends. Its like I could call her any name in the book and that was fine. BUT let someone else call her a name, and I was all over them!

It's normal and doesn't mean they don't love each other!

My sis and I are 16 months apart. One of my earliest memories was of biting her! We quickly moved past this and were very close growing up. We live far away but are still close. We were together all the time, no separation as little ones. They will be fine.

I say it's better for them to work it out together. We have minimal fighting in my house, but when it happens I let it play out. If it really starts bugging me they get the warning to work it out quickly. If they continue, the two fighting are both in their rooms alone. If they are fighting over a toy or game, that disappears. The 1 year old especially is still rather young, so you might have to step in for another year or so and show them what compromise looks like.

As to your other questions, my brother and I fought horribly. (We both wanted to be only children and tried - bats, knives, scissors, etc). It died down tremendously when I hit 10. Fighting stopped all together 3 years later when he hit 10. We have been extremely close since then.

All part of being siblings. I have 3 sisters and we fought growing up, now we all love each other. I have 3 kids of my own, the first two are two years apart then a 9.5 year gap between 2 and 3. The older two pick on the youngest a lot. I would stand up for him for the longest, now, he's become a little bit of a whiner. The older two fought a lot when they were younger, grade school and still now, time to time, my oldest, a girl who is barely 5-4 and her younger brother 6 ft will attack him but doesn't take long and she's screaming "uncle". It's fun to watch them play and then love each other later. I do think when they are all grown up, they will be very close and take care of each other.
That is how my sisters are. We look forward to the time we get to spend together again. By the time I was a teenager my sisters tag along with my friends and were very close to me. I didn't have any brothers, so I'm hoping my kids have the same experience as I did.

With all of that being said, their fighting drives me "CRAZY", I get so moody at them.