Competitive Dance Is Eating My Lunch! What to Do?

Okay, I know things are different now, but when I was that age I was very involved in my sports and other after school activities. I kept up my grades, did what I supposed to do, etc., so my parents continued to let me play sports, do theatre and travel all around the town (and sometimes country) for tournaments and other things. I had no idea the time and commitment my parents were giving at the time, but I really did love it. It is my opinion that if she is still eager to do it, likes it and is still responsible in the other areas of her life, I'd let it happen.

I was a dance fanatic too as a young girl and left home at 13 to go to a professional dance school across the country. That solved my parents time and driving issues I'm sure! I lived in a residence with other like-minded kids and had the best time of my life. I became a professional ballet dancer at 17 and had a wonderful career that took me around the world.

Now with children of my own, I understand the sacrifice my parents made for me. I questioned them, "How could you let me go so far away at such a young age?". They just said, "Well, it was what you really wanted to do." I'm still amazed by it but I think I learned a lot. Dance gives you perseverance, discipline and so many other qualities.

If it's what she really wants to do, there really is no question. Maybe it's time for her to audition for some prestigious summer programs and then take it from there? I think it's great that she has something she's passionate about. It will only help her and give her an outlet in the future... and the hard years are just around the corner!

Hope all goes well!

My daughter is a competitive dancer as well, this is her 4th year and she just turned 9. She loves it - and we can support her, mostly. Her classes are not as time intensive as your daughter's are (yet) and the studio is about 30 minutes away in traffic, 20 not in traffic. So it's much better, but still a huge family commitment.

My daughter knows that school comes first. If her school work is not done on Wednesday, she will not go to her 3 hour practice on Thursday, because she won't have time and then school will suffer. Sleep is also important. I'm worried about these 3 hour practices because of no time for dinner or homework, I may talk to the owner about it and share my concerns.

I would not allow my daughter to have to travel so far for dance, especially for the 3 hour classes. Does she want to have a carrer in dance? Do you have other kids that are suffering? I fully support dance, but you have to do it to the degree your family can handle.

I hope you find the right choice for your family.

It sounds like your whole family is having to revolve around your daughter's dance. It is an extra-curricular activity, and I tend to focus on the "extra." Her dance schedule does not even allow adequate time for sleep, let alone other aspects of her life. This situation does not sound very well-rounded or healthy for your family. There have to be ways to take a dance class 1-2 days per week without maintaining the competitive dance routines. What about cheerleading, flag corps or these types of activities at school? If I were you, I'd definitely be trying to reduce the amount of time communiting and taking classes.

I understand what you mean. The studio she is going to is challenging her and making her the dancer that she is becoming. Those teachers are pulling the best out of her every lesson. It is just not the same at all when you look at other studio's. They don't compare to a competitive one.

The studio where my granddaughter goes used to be competitive but the owners are getting older. They were considering going to OKLA this year but since it's a recital year they decided to let my granddaughter and 2 other girls do a special dance. It's going to be awesome but I worry about the kids not having the experience of competing at all.

They might fail miserably for a while but they would eventually start doing better and actually paying more attention to what is going on.

I think your daughter needs to concentrate on her homework in the car. She also needs you to talk to her teachers about less homework. There is starting to be a lot of research that seems to indicate homework has nothing to do with better grades and may actually deter the students from doing better.

This level of dance is so different from just a regular dance class. This is the path she needs if she is going to attempt to get scholarships to college. There has not been one senior girl leave our studio that tried out for dance in college that didn't get a free ride each year.

It is not just a frivolous thing. Dance is a way to pay for college and to make her a living. If she finds herself in a place where she needs an income she can always teach dance even if it's in her garage when she grows up. She can always do tons of auditions too and get work that way. If she's any good she will find work that will be steady, there may be spots between jobs but there seems to always be work or some show on tour that needs to replace someone.

I think that it is hard on you because you live so far from the studio. I suggest you consider this.

You could start looking for a new home about half way between where you are now and the town where the dance lessons are. That way you'd be on the road less, she'd be in a different school so she could possibly even be in classes with some of her dance friends, you could spend less time on the road, she could be home more, etc....

If you are committed to her dance then it should be something you are willing to shuffle a bit more to help her accomplish this goal. In 3 months I think you'd see a more stable home life since the travel would be less. Plus winter is coming and you don't really want to be on the roads at night in bad weather.

She is going to be old enough to start teaching classes with the teacher as an aide, this should start helping pay for her classes too. She could do even more by living closer, she could work 1-2 days and take classes the other ones.

I agree, let your daughter take the lead.

If it's something she wants to do for life, then why not let her do it? If you look at the olympic dream that so many athletes had, it only came from sacrifice and hard work. It's great that your daughter understands that at such a young age.

I completely understand the need for school to come first, but I also think that you should follow your dreams and your talents. It sounds like your daughter is working hard and succeeding.

If you want to know if it's worth it, just ask her. She'll tell you! And then you can make an informed decision.

Have you really investigated all studios around you that are closer? Things change, and since you moved her to the studio that's an hour away, another studio closer to you could have opened up, or an existing one could have changed its classes and focus. I would -- without getting your daughter at all involved yet, because it could upset her -- investigate other options that are closer.

I am entirely "pro-dance" as you put it. My daughter is 11 and has three ballet classes and one modern class each week, plus rehearsals for shows, and is in her dance school's performing group (classical ballet and modern, no competitive aspect at all, so very different from competitive dance). There will be more as she advances in ballet. But when I tally up the hours you are spending -- nine hours of class time, plus six hours of transportation time for those, plus unspecified hours (probably lots) of weekend rehearsals -- you are doing a minimum of 15 hours a week of classes/transportation time and probably more like 20 many weeks, right?

If you have other children, what are they getting that's anywhere near that much of an investment of their time and yours?

I'm not saying "everything has to be equal"! No, it does not, and some extracurriculars simply require more time than others, period. But have you ever talked to your other kid(s) and husband individually and privately about how they feel about all the hours you are away or on the road or at competitions? Again, I'm not saying drop it or cut it, but I am saying you might get the rest of the family to acknowledge how they really feel about it. Especially if you have younger kids they may be feeling that sister's dance "career" comes first before anything in which they're interested. If she's doing 20 hours some weeks-- that is the same as a half-time job.

It's wonderful that she maintains good grades amid all the travel and she sure uses her time wisely. Great skills. But the real question I would have for her studio director (again, without your child present): If she is doing nine hours of class at age 12, what can we expect when she is 14? 16? Will she be expected to be here five days a week by that point, at which time it simply may no longer be doable with schoolwork and the commute? What realistically will be her class load next year and the years after? If you fear burnout now, what about in a few years' time?

That may help decide things for your whole family.

It's normal for dancers by age 12 or 13 or so to have very heavy dance loads and some kids at our studio who also do tap and jazz as well as ballet and modern are there five days a week by the time they're teens, often six days most weeks with rehearsals for shows thrown in. And that's all without the pressure of competition. So long schedules are normal and we do have kids who have quite a commute just to get to the studio but who love it there. So I really do see your dilemma.

If this is your daughter's second home, and she lives for it, and does not do it "just because I've always done it," then you do want to encourage her. I know folks who have rearranged their family's whole lives around one kid's activity, and others who changed dance studios or sports teams because one kid's activity was eating every second of everyone's time. But only you can make that call.

Wow, that's a lot of dancing! She must be getting to a super high level, which is very cool. If it is HER you are most worried about I would definitely let her take the lead. She's old enough to tell you if it's too much. If it's YOU and the rest of your family that you're most worried about then that's a different story. You don't mention is you have other kids. I'm guessing no? I can't imagine you being able to run another kid around to his or her activities on top of the dancing! If it were me, and I only had this one child, I would probably let her continue to do it (as long as SHE wanted to).

I was a competitive swimmer from age 8 through college, so I do understand the time commitment. I don't think I ever understood the time my parents were putting in though, only what "I" was doing! But I loved it. And like your daughter I had good grades and made great friends on the swim team. Swimming in college is something I'm proud of. I made a lot of great memories for sure! And, I've been swimming at some Masters groups lately, and loving it. When I was 13, however, I did need to make a choice between swimming and horseback riding. I had gotten to the point where I had to really focus on one or the other. I hated making that choice because I loved riding, but I knew swimming would be a better social thing for me. So that's what I went with. I've never regretted it. And I've never regretted the HOURS I put in at the pool.

As far as homework goes, maybe she could try to get some reading done in the car? That's all I can think of for now. There certainly aren't enough hours in the day, eh? Good luck to you :)

Is there a way for her to get her work done before class? Maybe during the car ride?

I would let your daughter take the lead on this. If she is feeling stressed, talk to her about cutting back, but don't push. Let her know that its her decision and her call. If she loves it, and wants to continue, perhaps research classes that are closer.

My daughter is in competitive dance as well, though she's a few years younger than your daughter. It is a BIG commitment and a very wonderful experience. She loves it, I'd be very loathe to make her cut back...especially since she seems to be handling it so well!

Start talking to her teachers and the studio. How can you make it work... How can you do what's best for the family? Sometimes they have perspectives or ideas that can help. Talk to other parents and see if THEY have any ideas you can incorporate.
The hour away thing is TOUGH...I don't know what i'd do with THAT scenario! Good suggestions of doing homework/reading in the car...get a book light and try it. Hopefully she doesn't get car sickness!

Good luck with the balancing act. It sounds like its worth it at this point. Plan what will happen if that changes...look for ways to cope.

does she want a career in this or does she J. love to do it? if it is for future career purposes and she excels and her teacher thinks she stands out and can use this in the future I'd be willing to do all of the work. if it's going to be J. a loved hobby I'd find a closer less intensive program.
are thereany close intensive programs to atleast cut down on driving

first and foremost i'd ask my daughter her opinion now that she;s older and probably missing a lot of social activities

I say, let her dance. The work ethic and self-discipline she's gained from it, that's amazing. It's as good as gold. You didn't mention it, but it sounds like she's gained a whole lot of confidence from it too. You take her out, you risk losing that.

What I do think, though, is that with everything you've put into the studio, they owe you something. Talk to all the other parents and say, "This isn't working for us. We can't drive three hours each way on a regular basis. We can't have her getting home at 11 o'clock at night. What do you-all recommend?" Then, go with at least two other parents, and have a sit-down meeting with the studio people. Make a reasonable, doable request, whatever it is, and don't back down.

BTW, I'd probably call myself anti-dance. I am without question the world's most horrendously clumsy dancer. Dance class, way back when, was such a source of shame and humiliation, to the point where it hurts to think about it today. But this is about your daughter, and she sounds like a completely different animal from me.

I would leave this up to her. Why? Because you already said that inspite of this grueling schedule she still gets good grades and she is proud of what she does. The negatives in this situation seem nearly null to me as compared to the positives. If she was struggling in school or starts then I'd pull back but it sounds like she isn't burned out, she is doing well in her life, in school and in dance. Sounds like right now everything is great and unless she wants to pull back I see no reason to do it.

If your daughter is good at it, loves it, wants to do it ... and maintains good grades at the same time ... I say its OK. It sounds like it's working for her (even though she might be worn-out sometimes).

If it really starts to impact the rest of the family, that's another story. You only mention that part once, briefly. The car-pooling sounds like a good idea, as does talking to the studio owner about cutting back a little (is it possible at all?).

But it sounds to me like she's getting some really cool experience and opportunities.

I'd talk to the dance studio owner and explain the situation and ask if there is any way to have classes start earlier. If she's out of school at 3pm, and you could get there by 4pm, could class start at 4:15? That would get you out of dance by 6pm at the latest and then home by 7-7:30. I know schedules are made in the summers, but sometimes there are ways to tweak them to benefit the students, especially the ones who compete.

The studio owner and teacher need to be aware of your situation so that if they value your daughter as a student, and you as a customer, they can work with you to make things easier for her and you given you travel so far to come to them. If they aren't aware of all of the time you're spending in the road and the sacrifice to your daughter's sleep and grades, they need to know asap! Most genuine teachers would be upset to hear that her bedtime is 11pm and homework is not completed.

I teach dance, and have been involved in it since I was 3. I know how it is to love something so much you put it first. You are an awesome mom for going the extra mile for her, but you also have to put her mental and physical health and school/grades first. That may come as a sacrifice to her with dance, but she has to continue to do well in school, but not burn the candle at both ends at age 12. She has plenty of time for that when she is an adult.

Good luck!