Confused About the Role of a Modern Day SAHM.

Each couple has to do what works for them. There is no "right" answer. I would discuss it with him and tell him what you need. Maybe join a class or something one night a week so you have some time "away" to recharge and he can be "dad" for a bit. Sometimes, it's hard to see each other's perspective when you haven't done it before...

Haha - yes I think we all feel like this sometimes. I am not a complete SAHM - I work part time to my husband's full time, but I told him years ago that I do not mind doing most things - because I am at home, but that is different than being a slave. (to him or kids). Sometimes you just have to tell them what still needs done and what you need help with. I tell him often going to work full time is easier than staying at home - scheduled breaks, relaxing when finished...........

Oooo hunny! I feel very lucky to have the man I do have, I'm a SAHM too, and a full time student, my hubby to be, drives me a little crazy, but he offers to cook, or help cook, he loves to play with out daughter, while I clean, and he almost always does Bath time for Abby. I would just talk to him and tell him how you feel, what you just posted seems like a good place to start!
Good luck!

I am a SAHM of 5 children with 1 more on the way. So as I was reading your list I was just nodding my head, "Yep, that's what its like."
My husband works very hard is is a good father and husband. I do not ask him to help clean the house. Like or not (and I don't like it) that's my job. A homemaker has to make the home. Its not fair for me to expect my husband to work outside the home and then come home to a messy house that he needs to help clean. Your children are school age, so you should be able to find time to keep a moderately clean home while cooking, running errands, and doing the 5 billion other things a homemaker does.
I do ask my husband to help with cooking about once or twice a week, usually on weekends. I also gave the outside of the house to my husband. He mows the lawn, plants whatever plants he wants, weeds went he wants to. That's his domain and when he says anything about it I remind him that its his. Anymore than that and I wouldn't be acting like a good wife/mother.

I know being a SAHM can be a thankless job, but it definitely has its rewards. I know that I can make time for myself during the day when most of my boys are in school, my husband doesn't get that privilege. He always has someone to be accountable to , his boss at work, then me and the kids when he comes home.
You're doing a great job! Keep up the good work and keep a smile on your face. No sense turning into a nag and ruining your marriage.

My husband and I have this discussion on a regular basis. He thinks that when he comes home, his day is done. I beg to differ :) Our marriage counselor gave us a schedule. When he comes home, we spend 15 minutes together as a family. I start dinner and that's his time with our kids. We eat dinner at the table every night. NO TV or other distractions. I clean up the kitchen while he gives the kids a bath (your kids are probably old enough to bathe themselves). We divide and conquer bedtime. He puts our 3 year old to bed and I put the 1 year old down. We then have an hour for just us before he goes to bed.
He has Fridays off and that's his day to do the dishes. I am exempt that day :) YAY! :D We split almost all of our household duties (except laundry. I refuse to let him do that.) I absolutely think that we mom's need some down time too.

I do all those things......and my husband also does all those things. If people want to think that there is "women's work" or "men's work" thats fine......but the rest of us are not being bad wives and mothers if our husbands happen to be really great and want to help out.

My husband helps with EVERYTHING. He says that nothing he does is as hard as being a mom. I so appreciate him! We both have the mentality that doing housework and yard work is more fun when we do it together.

My hubby didn't get it until I said fine my day is done when yours is....lets just say we had one rough week...now he helps out a lot more, he is in charge of baths, I cook the food he cleans it up, and he has to do 15-30min of work every night on top of that...he has found he still gets a good 3 hrs of peace every day :)

I'm going to give you a different perspective. I work full-time outside the house and my husband is a stay-at-home-dad. We have two kids, 6 & 3.

My DH does everything at home, with a few exceptions. He cooks, cleans, does laundry, tends to the kids, does the grocery shopping...I could go into detail but I think you get the point.

When I get home in the evening, I spend time with the kids while DH finishes dinner. We all sit down together and eat dinner everynight for family time. We each clear our own dishes. Then, the kids usually grab the last few minutes of outside play time. DH and I usually clean up the dinner mess together, it's one way for us to spend some time together while the kids play. Then it's family time until it's time for bath. We alternate which parent gives the kids a bath and gets them in bed. The parent not on bath/bed duty usually gets down time for a little while. Then we usually spend an hour or hour & 1/2 together watching a favorite TV show or movie or playing a game.

Now, there are some meals that I prepare, especially on the weekend. I help fold the laundry and put it away. I get the kids clothes ready for school (I do this for the entire week on Sunday afternoon) and I make lunches before I go to work.

Other than that, I really don't do much around the house. He takes his job seriously and feels guilty if he doesn't get it all done. I always tell him that as long as the kids are good, then the rest can wait. But, he has a schedule he tries to stick to so he knows what days to do what chores. He doesn't want me to sacrifice time with my family to work and then to have to come home and work some more. I love him!

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I work PT (2 days/week) and my husband works from 40-60 hours per week but he still cleans up after dinner, does the occasional bath time thing, throws laundry in, folds clothes, etc. Generally speaking when he sees something that needs done, he pitches is. We have O. child--2nd Grade.
Life happens, so while he could easily say -- well, you're home all day 3 days per week--he knows that sometimes life is busy.
He also knows that there are MANY nights I'm awake until midnight or so--still folding/changing out laundry--while he's in bed by 9-9:30 b/c he's up at 3:30 or 4 every day for work.
So, in your case, I think YOUR breadwinner should do more--or cough over some dough if you need someone else to help you out!
(I think I woiuld have scratched his eyes out a long time ago! lol)

My husband totally helps with every single thing. If he didn't, I would be very disappointed. He also works to support our family. He also supports me as an artist and a business owner (my hours are much less than his and my job is less stressful.) He takes care of the yard when he is home, but he travels a lot.

I won the jackpot, obviously, but you work WAY more than your husband does and he needs to pitch in. Don't put up with it. Make him a list of chores that he is responsible for and get him to commit to doing them. Don't just shove the list on him, of course. Talk to him about how you are feeling and get him to understand then ask him what things he feels like he can help with. Make it absolutely clear that he has to do them and DON'T do it if he doesn't.

Good luck.

This is from a full time, working away from home mom, so take it how you will. It sounds like your kids are in school, and you are at home? I'm not sure how much time what you do takes, but it sounds like it is spread throughout the day, and your husband is waited on hand and foot. I think that the two of you need to sit down and hash this out. If you have a full day, as does he, then the evenings should be equal. If you are able to relax quite a bit of the day while the kids are in school, I could see doing a bit more at night.

Either way, that should not include waiting on your husband hand and foot. He can't even clear his own dishes? Is he spending any time with the kids? What does he do at night? What does he do on the weekends? Are you making him breakfast in the morning?? Give him a cereal bar and send him on his way, or he can make his own! He can also make his own lunch. He can also handle his own gift giving. It is one thing to say, hey, can you pick this up while you are out, but he should be selecting the gifts.

When my husband and I get home from work, we both play with our kids, one of us makes our son dinner. One or both of us makes our dinner. He usually does the dishes while I am nursing our daughter. We take turns bathing our son, although he does it more often. On weekends, we all go grocery shopping, and run household errands. My husband actually does a lot more of the housework and yardwork - mows, weedwhacks, weeds, vacuums, dishes, laundry, bathrooms, etc. During those times, I am usually with the kids, or he does it while he is home on Fridays (he works 4 9's and a 4). I am actually realizing that I need to pitch in more.

It sounds like your house is one sided. I know many families that are like this, but both PARTNERS need to agree to this. It sounds like you are getting the short end of the stick, and your kids aren't getting to see their father at all.

I think the "line" is when/if he feels he is exempt from fullfilling the role of dad. does he come home and sit on the couch watching TV? Does he ignore the kids on the weekend and do his own thing? Does he refuse to help kids with homework? ETC.
In terms of chores, as you stated, that is your job. That does not negate the fact that you are also mom and those "duties" (if someone chooses to see them that way) like reading, bedtime, playing with kids, taking to sports/afterschool activities should be shared among parents. Kids need equal parts of attention from both parents.
This is just one person's opinion, but thought I'd share.
Best of luck.

Wow, this is a toughie. In our house, it fluctuates from day to day. I am a work-from-home mom who runs an in-home preschool program, so my day is very regimented in regard to getting my school space prepped and getting my son off to his preschool . (Better for both of us!)

In our home, I do 100% of floors and keeping common areas clear/clean (with kid help, too.). I do breakfast dishes, preschool/lunch dishes, all the prep for preschool and dinner, and start the laundry. I do the gardening mostly because I like it (not always) and I usually am responsible for making dinner. At nights, our routine is that one of us does Kiddo's bedtime while the other does the dinner dishes/kitchen cleanup and makes Kiddo's lunch for preschool the next day. My husband's a night owl, so he usually moves laundry over to the dryer then. He takes out trash and recycling and does the weekend shopping trips with our son. He's responsible for weed-whacking the grass as they don't make those sorts of tools for short ladies like myself. In the mornings, he's our cat's go-to guy, feeding and doing kitty-box duty.

We both help each other out, too. Sometimes, he'll work late and I'll just go ahead and take care of KP and garbage duties. Sometimes he'll know I've got a lot of prep, so he'll do dishes and bedtime. I think the important part is communicating what needs to be done and asking for help from each other in a respectful way. We are both busy and don't need to guilt each other into helping. Laundry, by the way, gets the backburner-- I just take out what I need for my preschool and on busy weeks we let it wait until the weekend, when we might have a laundry folding party.

Lastly, have a "quitting time" for yourself. That is, I stop at 8 pm unless there is some sort of extraordinary exception. I wake at 6 and work solid until 2:30 on preschool days; take a break (walking, snack or tea) until 3:30 or so and then start making dinner. This would be harder without the childcare that I have, which is essential to staying sane. Carving out some time for one's self during the day is essential, even if it's a half-hour while your 5 y.o. is having quiet time.

Perhaps you and your husband could figure out some give and take around bedtimes? Do you both put the kids to bed, or just one of you? This would be a great time for your husband to check in with the kids and give you some peace while you get the kitchen clean, or vice versa. I think the point of it is to understand that both of you work hard and that there has to be some balance. I too, thought my husband had it easier, until I considered all the things he does that he doesn't talk about, especially balancing the checkbook and paying off the bills, etc. Sometimes we don't always *see* the work they do... Hope you can find some constructive way of talking to your husband about this.

Oh, and it helps to have your husband and children start picking up after themselves during the day. Our three year old can clear his place at the table, take his clothes to the laundry, put his toys away (with some friendly mama-help) and hang up his coats/put shoes away, etc. I've found that helping children develop good habits earlier in life sets a nice precedent for what's expected. Kids can, and like to, be helpers. Keeping one's environment tidy is a great life-skill to instill early, and as I said, kids can help with a lot, so consider what sorts of jobs might be right for their age. Keeping house is a family affair!

Hmm, I would say each families "expectations" would be different. In our home, my husband is only home on weekends. So, for 5 days I can keep the house I see fit and for 2 days I can keep the house as he sees fit. It doesn't bother me that toys are all over the living room floor as long as they are picked up before we go to bed. On the other hand, my husband likes a tidy home so on weekends kids must put a toy away before they pull another one out.

I guess I look at it that my husband sacrifices his time away from our family to allow me to be with our children (b/c he is gone Mon thry Fri). So, I try to make his weekends as great as possible and more family time. Less he has to do around the house is more time he has with the kids and me.

Good luck!

PS - I wanted to add, my husband thoroughly enjoys cooking so on weekends he is our cook (and he is a great cook, mmm). Since he cooked it, I clean it up. He always offers to help, but again I rather him spend the time with the kids (since he only has 2 days with them).

My husband mows the lawn, changes the kitty litter and helps with the laundry. That is about it. I don't expect much more...he works 12 hrs a day during the week and occasional saturdays. Now that my kids are older, they are very helpful. They help with the laundry, putting away groceries...all kinds of little things. I may be the monority...but i don't want to burn my husband out. He gets overwhelmed.

I work 4 days a week so that my family can have healthcare (hubby works for a small company w no healthcare options). I use the fact that I work FT as my excuse for not getting the housework done by myself. I would give anything to stay home and have 'raising my children' be my full time job. Including all the housework, the 'low pay', the long hours, and everything that goes with it. I would mow the lawn too.

In fact, I work full time AND do everything you listed above. well, to be fair, my hubby does about half of the list above. He works full time also.

I would say you need to stop keeping a tally of the negative or being a stay at home mom and start keeping a tally of the positive.

The grass is always greener I guess.

Yes, he should do more! Is your name June and his name Ward? Nope. I can tell you how he got that 50s mentality. You allowed it to happen. I bet the story goes that when you got married you wanted to be a good wife and the moment you became a SAHM you wanted to put your best foot forward and wanted to take care of your family, including your husband. Meanwhile, your husband saw this, loved this, and took advantage of this. Now that you've come to your senses and realize that this is not equal or fair, you want to change things and he does not. Of course he doesn't! He's got it easy so why should he change a thing?

I'm telling you now, change things NOW. The longer you wait the harder it will be later. And you DO want to set a good example to your children. You don't want sons being lazy and taking their wives for granted. You don't want your daughters being taken advantage of by male chauvinist pigs either.

Yes, he works outside the home. You work in the home. Difference? He gets money as payment. You get... "satisfaction" as payment, and tired and worn out and taken for granted.

First step, stop doing anything for him. He's got 2 hands. He does his OWN laundry. He can turn on and manipulate a 2000 lb vehicle and run a lawn mower without injury. I'm sure he can toss his clothes in a washer and push the ON button.

He will pick up after himself in the house completely. His dirty dish after meals, anything around the house he leaves. (I leave things laying for days for those who will not pick up after themselves in my house) If you cook every meal, he does the dishes. Why should he be able to clock out but you can't? I started some years ago by sitting on my butt when hubby got home just like he did and let everything go, to his confusion. And I'd ask him "What's for dinner?" Same with weekends. He sat, I sat. Nothing got done. And our house was a wreck for weeks. Then enough was enough and I laid out chores for him, me and the kids to share. You're a family, a team! You work together!

He should cook twice a week, at the very least. Who ever cooks, the other does the dishes. One does the baths, one reads the book. He picks! You wash and take care of your own clothes. Wash the kids clothes. Fold them and put them in baskets and leave them. Dad puts them away. Or if that's too confusing let him fold while he watches TV and you put away. Share the yard work, equally. Make a list! He takes out the garbage and takes it to the road. School activities are shared! He shows up to everything that his job will permit. Why did he have kids? Just to check it off his list of "things I should do in life"? Get married, check. Have kids, check. Buy house, check. Get dog, check. Ridiculous!

Make a chores list of things that he will do daily to help you out. He can sweep after dinner. Dishes. If he doesn't sweep, don't sweep until he does! If he refuses to do dishes, don't do them until he does! And that means every dish in the house filthy and only wash what you need for you and the kids. Make dinner for you and the kids ONLY. Let him fend for himself. If it takes hardball then do it! I've helped many wives over the years learn how to become a partner rather than a doormat. You can do this! And don't ever let him try to tell you that he doesn't know how or you do it better. Seriously? He's intelligent enough to hold down a job, drive a 2000lb vehicle, manipulate a lawn mower, manage not to get killed in traffic and even handle the remote control on the TV. He can handle anything you throw at him.

On top of this, your children are 7 and 5. They are well old enough to pitch in as well with chores. The home much run with ALL members helping out, period! You're a team and the family needs to start acting like it or you will end up burning out and exploding!

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

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I'm a SAHM of three kids (6yrs, 4 yrs and 10 months). I do everything inside the house(dishes, laundry, etc) and my husband does everything outside (take out trash, yard work, etc). When I worked full time my husband helped out more around the house but once I became a SAHM I took over everything. If I ever need help with anything on the weekends he will help if I ask him to. He is involved in reading with the kids each night. He loves to read to he likes to share that enjoyment with our kids. Also, he likes to cook so he'll cook on the weekends sometimes.

To save yourself some time- Your kids are old enough to dress themselves. My oldest two dress themselves. Also, 7 year old is old enough to take showers. I have a chore list for our kids that they are responsible for doing each day (make their bed, clean their rooms, etc). Then I have optional chores that they can do if they want to earn some money (they don't take me up on that too often! Boo!).

I completely understand how you feel you have a low paying job, don't get breaks or vacation time but we actually have the most rewarding job out there. We get to go on field trips, pick our kids up from school, go grocery shopping during the day while everyone else is at work and beat the crowds ;) Do all kinds of things that other Moms can't. I went on a field trip last year with my daughter and a little girl looked so sad and said, I wish my Mommy was here. I felt so bad for her and it reminded how lucky I am.

For me, I'm happy doing most of the householdy stuff if my husband is spending time with the kids. He's responsible for homework, bath, bed time and pick up/drop off from various activities. He's always done his own laundry and the grocery shopping along with yard stuff and garbage duty. I know my husband is not very flexible and it takes a lot to get him to change his routine. He needs notice. I treat him like an adult and I ask for what I need from him. I don't expect him to be psychic about it or to even notice.

As far as I'm concerned, you need to decide what you want your husband to do and then you need to tell him. This isn't the 50's. You want his help, then ask for it. Tell him that you are partners and you need him to do X, Y, & Z. If he's going to pull out the money card (I have the job, I make the rules), then tell him that attitude won't do him any favors. That you're in this together and you are not his slave. Or if he's going to treat you like you are an employee, well, he'll have to pay you then!

I do everything too except the bills. I mean I do the yardwork, too. Actually I do EVERYTHING right now because my husband is deployed.

All I can say is, you catch more flies with honey. . . What works for me is to sweetly ask him to watch the kids so I can go do fun things. While he is watching them, I do not expect him to be cleaning or doing homework or anything. I find the magic phrase is, "Dear, would it be too much trouble, when you have time, to do (insert chore)?" OR "Dear, can I hire a lawncare service/maid service/babysitter, etc.?"

I also wanted to add, give yourself breaks. If the kids are always in your hair, hire a babysitter. If you have no life/time for anything but doing chores, you can give your husband choices - would you be able to do this so that I could do that, or should I hire it out?" For me, my husband doesn't expect the house to be clean, dinner to be ready, or the yard to get mowed, but I expect those things so I do them. He doesn't care if I hire it out.

Other than getting the occasional break from the kids that is necessary for a SAHM's sanity, if I were staying home while kids were at school, I would feel guilty if my husband did the lawn. I stay at home 2 days, work the other three in the office. I get so much done in those two days I am home, with a toddler at my feet. I don't understand why it is so hard to get it done if you are staying home while they are at school. You have five days to complete all of the tasks, have dinner started so that way there is not much to do in the evening. Your kids are old enough to assign chores to. They can clear the entire table, and do the dishes. They can put their own clothes away, help with dusting and vacuuming. I don't understand your complaint. You wanted to stay home, your kids are in school, you should be able to get it done, and, have time to eat bon bons. I do everything you listed on top of working 3 days a week and 2 nights a week. I have two kids, a toddler, and, currently a teenager living with us. I assign chores, and, find a way to get it all done. My husband takes care of our five acres. But, we have agreed that if it ever comes a point where I can sit at home and never have to worry about work, then, I would mow the lawn. I would feel obligated. Your evening should be a piece of cake now that your kids are 5 and 7, so, I don't understand your complaints at all. Maybe you should sit back and see what your gripe really is. Is it that that he is not helping you? Or, is it that he is not spending time with the kids? At five and seven, getting the kids bathed and in bed is easy. Would you like him to read to them to get some bonding time? Would you like him to play around with them? Have you told him that you just want him to spend more time with the kids, or, is it really all about helping you because you have sooooo much to do after 5:00 that you couldn't get done while the kids were in school five days a week?

My feeling is this:

NO ONE'S 8 hour day = another's 14 hour day...
NO ONE'S 5 day work week = another's 7 day work week.

In an ideal situation, since Mom and Dad are BOTH working hard during the bread winner's work hours, they should split everything when both are home. That's my belief and I'm sticking to it.
Luckily, I demand this of my husband, and luckily, he steps up with very specific instructions from me and the will to participate. God bless him for that.
However, that said, he travels CONSTANTLY, so most of the time, it's all me 24/7 doing everything for the kids, the house, the finances and EVERYTHING. So heck yeah, he feels he should pitch in when he's home. And I don't feel doing so much is unfair, since I'm not working a salaried job right now.

Your husband sounds very spoiled by his parents. Not something you can really change. You have made yourself clear, and have not been a door mat, but no one can change another person, or make them desire to step up..Time for some ultimatums based on your realistic expectations and no false threats.
Lay it out. Clearly. What you want him to do when he's home. Make a list. Discuss it with him. Let him know the consequences of failing. You will no longer do his laundry, cooking or things in the yard-whatever you decide. Just take care of the kids, not him if he won't help you. Come up with rewards. If he does his things, he gets nights out with the guys, bedroom treats, favorite meals, whatever. Tell him this will be the case for x amount of months, and you'll both assess your happiness at that time because the current arrangement is not what you'll do anymore.

For instance, my husband used to gripe when he came home to weeks of recycling piled up. For the egregious offense of harping on the mother of his children to do one of 1000 chores I already do while he's gone ALL THE TIME, I quit doing the recycling altogether and threatened to quit taking out the trash and let that pile up if he didn't adjust the 'tude. After several months of his cheerfully resolving piles of recycling without a gripe, I started pitching in on it again. Whenever I have him do lots of extra stuff, I make sure to reward and compliment him. Whenever I need him to do something and he resists, I let him know what his consequence will be, and stick to it. I keep cheerful about it, so he doesn't feel nagged-it's almost a game. Yes, he's sort of my 4th kid.

If your husband fundamentally feels he should not have to share in these things, you may want to let him know this is no way for you to live and you will consider moving on. If you're that serious. Search your soul. Figure out exactly how much you will put up with, make a clear plan, and enforce it. Good luck!

I didn't read your other answers, so hopefully i'm not repeating any. If you were the primary breadwinner, you would still be doing at least 95% of what you are now - that's what equality has brought us. I am the (almost sole) breadwinner, so I'm speaking from experience. Men have spent their whole lives being pampered, where society has pushed women to take on more responsibility (yay we can work hard at jobs, with the fullfillment - or stress - that comes with that). Society has not pushed men to do more housework. They may marry later, and some of those that do MAY have an apartment/house on their own for awhile, and some of those may even clean it and do some of the jobs on your to do list, at least when they really need to, but for the most part, "most" men just have a different mentality toward all of it.

My only advice is to make a jobs list to hang on the fridge, determine what your husband is willing to do and your children are able to do, divvy everything up with a checklist for completion. If your husband balks at adding to his responsibilities, tell him you are going to "outsource" some of the tasks. Groceries can be delivered, laundry can go to wash and fold - he can drop it off on his way to work and pick it up on the way home. You can definitely tell him to clear his own plates. (with my husband and I, one person cooks the other cleans up). You, however, will always be the person to buy everyone cards and gifts, or they will go unbought :) Good luck

maybe you should set your husband down and talk to him about what his expectations are with you, and yours with him. for example, my husband would not "allow" (he has been the shd) me to come home and help with ANYTHING all he expected of me was to keep my clothes picked up off the floor and help my daughter (his step daughter) with home work and provide her signatures as needed. although i was single with her for about 5 years so i CAN'T just come home and sit in the recliner while being waited on hand and foot. so as i wanted to i would help with house work, etc.

i think it just really depends on what works for your family. for example maybe try you do the stuff a shm needs to do during the day, have dinner ready by a certain time each day THEN when dinner is over, EVERYONE helps put food away, clean the table, dishes, and sweeps, etc and after dinner is ready; your time to "clock out" for the day. on the weekends, you both help with yard work (you weed eat while he mows) and the weekends you both spend the day relaxing and eating left over's or saturday and sunday's he (or both of you) gets to make sure dinner is prepared on time.

i agree completely that you too need a break so just sit with him and figure a schedule that works for both of you. if you can't find a conclusion, then get back to work, then you share household responsibilities equally

I do believe that the breadwinners should be expected to do more, but I would base expectations more on what my husband's career. If they are working long hours, work in a physically demanding blue collar job or travel extensively, I would not expect as much. My husband works pretty much 9 to 5 Monday through Friday and has a lot of flexibility with his job. He takes care of the outdoor work, garbage, the dishes, puts the laundry away and the dog. He is extremely active with the kids. We have four, so we end up dividing up a lot of the driving that gets done. We share the morning duties of getting the kids to school, because he is home and can help with that. We also share the putting the kids to bed duties. I would say that in our house it is about teamwork. There has to be a balance, and if there is not, it builds a lot of resentment. We aren't perfect, but I think we work together very well. Again, it is a little easier on us, because my husband does have so much give. As an example, this morning he informed me that he is going to work from home...how many people are lucky enough to do that?

I hear ya! We have 2 small children (3yrs and 10 months) and I am a SAHM after previously being a "professional" career woman. Now, I LOVE being a SAHM, but I agree it can get a bit daunting. There is no "review" of your work, and the work never ends...there is ALWAYS cleaning up, feeding, cleaning up, feeding...etc. to be done. Once in a while I give myself a "holiday" day, like today...where no cleaning gets done and I just hang out with the kids. But I SURE Do pay for it tomorrow! LOL (With twice as much work!) Luckily, my Dh doesn't give 2 hoots about what condition the house is in or if dinner is on the table...but I do. And at the same time, that's a bad thing, because if I just left his dishes, laundry, etc. for him to finally take care of, I promise you, it NEVER would be. SO, I have FINALLY accepted that I'll be doing all that in your list and more for as long as I am married to him and I try to embrace it as my job. BUT, I have started planning occasional (read: rare) outings for an hour or 2 just for me (like yesterday, spent the afternoon at the salon treating myself...and I'm MUCH happier today!) Here's my beef. I have no problem if he wants to come home from work and sit down or relax AS LONG AS HE IS PAYING ATTENTION TO OUR KIDS!!! I feel my blood boil when he sits down, gets on the computer or puts the TV on and totally ignores the children. GRRRRRRR!!!! I don't ask for him to cook, clean, laundry, wash dishes, or anything like that...just to play with the kids so that I can do the above...and that is where we get into our arguments WAY too often.
Thanks for the chance to vent! -0)

I do what I can, and I don't expect my husband to do a terrible extra lot because he works long hours. But, I do expect to get a reprieve from our child when he comes home, and on the weekends. I expect him to take out the compost and trash, to do dishes or laundry if it bothers him it's not done, to do finances, sort the recycling and junk mail, do any heavy lifting and home fixes and repairs... man things I guess. But he doesn't have a problem taking our daughter with him when he runs out to do errands. And he's in charge of her dinner, bath, and bedtime on nights when he's able to come home early enough. I figure I can get him to do a lot of things.

I ask him to basically not complain about things that aren't done, because it's easier to pick up a laundry basket and carry it upstairs or to wipe a countertop than to get on to me about why it's not done yet. Apply that to anything undone or half finished at our house, because there's often a lot of it.

Sometimes, after a rough day with our little whirlwind toddler, he might come home, look around and point at the incredible mess and ask what I did all day, and I just want to rip his arm off and beat him to death with it.

All the solutions I've offered he's griped about how much it costs, whether it's solutions to contain the mess in the house, or getting a cleaner to come in, or doing daycare or a nanny, or other kiddie activities. He jokes that I should just go back to work, which I don't want to do mainly because it's just not cost effective. I just want a little help and a little break since our toddler no longer naps and is often awake for 12 hour stretches in which she demands a lot of entertainment.

Our recent solution is to get a Nanny-share with another mom. 3 hours a day, 3x a week. Not unreasonable at all. I told him it was that or he'd have to pay for me to go to the nut ward. I told him that it's a small cost to give me a break, and the more breaks and help I get, the happier I am, and the happier and less stressed I am, the happier he'll ultimately be.

My dad had a stroke a few years back and I needed to go take care of him for a few months. My husband got a good dose of what doesn't get done when I'm not around, and he said he appreciated all those little things he just took for granted that he never saw getting done.

Or you could even do what my mother did years ago. My dad was way worse than your husband. My mom had had it. She applied to Graduate School and MOVED AWAY. Left us with dad. Came back every other weekend, holidays, and summers, for three years. Sent him mother's day cards. Forced him to step up and figure things out. It was really extreme, and it didn't fix him totally, but things were better afterwards. I don't recommend it if you have very small children though. My brother and sister are over 30 now and still have grief about the "abandonment". But frankly, mom had to do what she had to do to preserve her own sanity.

Ok ladies, first off, WHY in the world would a lot of you have another child especially women having #3 and 4, when you are SO unhappy with your husdand???????? You are doing this to yourslef in these cases. If you have SO much to do why would you go and have another child to take care of then complain about it? Makes NO sense. It drives me CRAZY when women out there who are SAHM's constantly complain about all the stuff they have to do and don't have to leave the house and go to a paying J.O.B. There are many women out there who have to actually go to an outside job for 40hrs a week then come home and do all those things you say you have to do at home. Yep, its true, there are women out there that can work 40hrs a week and do all the housecleaning and taking care of the kids. SO if you are SO unhappy with taking care of JUST the household things and your kids, then go out in the workforce for 40hrs a week, put your kids in daycare and do what other working moms do or even those SINGLE moms do. And STOP complaining. You made this choice!!!!!!!! Oh and by the way, Im not saying that I am one of those women, I am just sick and tired of hearing SAHM complaining about all the stuff they have to do. Your home all the time so why can't you handle it? You can't handle it because you are not organizing your well enough etc. I do work outside of the home, not 40hrs a week, do to health reasons, AND I take care of the house. I'm not complaining, I just staking a fact. Oh and I have 2 children, one 7yr and one 18m and my house is VERY clean, organized and well taken care of without a problem and work pt. So it can be done!!!!

I am a SAHM , yes I do th general cleaning of the house and laundry and groceries while husband is at work and 2 of the 3 kids are at school , I also cook dinner , husband does all yard work (mow lawn , weed , bushes/shrubs , leaf/snow removal) , he also baths the kids every day (I usually clean away dinner plates etc while he does this) and he also puts the kids to bed and reads the story. I think that is pretty fair , you seem to be doing EVERYTHING , and no I don't think that is fair and your husband should want to do something (especially if it involves the kids).

It sounds like even if you DID work you would be doing all of those things! Your husband is taking advantage of you plain and simple. I will go a step further to say he sounds like a total male chauvenist jerk. Here are your options:

1. keep it going like it is (obviously bad)
2. demand-not in a whiny or weak woman voice but in a strong and businesslike, no-nonsense tone that things are going to change. Come up with a list of what you need. Marriage is a partnership. He is not seeing you as his partner but his subordinate who he gets to sleep with.
3. Decide what you will do if he doesn't listen to you. You can't live like this and should be ready to make the changes necessary.

To answer your original question though: I am a full time SAHM. My husband and I see our life as a partnership. We always do what we can to support eachother in everything from keeping the house/yard nice to encouraging eachother to take mental health days where one of us takes the kids and the other does what he wants. I do the bulk of the "housework" but he will lend a hand as needed. I keep track of the kids homework, schedule, etc. but he is always there to lend a hand and he also coaches and is involved in the kid's scouts. I want to also mention that I know of many SAHMs that feel like they can't spend "his" money on themselves. This is not how I feel whatsoever and my husband has never made me feel guilty. It is "our" money just as if I got a paycheck for it as well.

Hi, Urt:

Have you thought about having a family circle and set up house norms
like a job description?

Have a facilitator come into your home and mediate these questions:

You can edit them that fits your situation:

Ask the Husband these questions:

1. What happened?
2. What were you thinking of at the time?
3. What have you thought about since?
4. Who has been affectedby what you have done?
In what way?
5. What do you think you need to do to make things right?

Then the mediator asks you and the kids these questions:

1.What did you think when you realized what had happened?
2. Wht impact has this incident had on you and others?
3. What has been the hardest thing for you?
4. What do you think needs to happen to make things right?

Hope this helps.
Good luck. D.

What does your husband do in the evenings? Does he have a hobby/friends just for himself? Do you?
It sounds to me like at the very least, he could be spending more time with the kids, such as reading at bedtime. Also some weeding and yard clean-up? Grocery shopping? Driving to some of the activities?
Your list makes me tired just reading it.
In our household, early on, we discovered that I hate washing dishes, and prefer doing laundry, my husband the opposite. Pretty much that has been the division for these 12 years..., though he does some laundry and I do some dishes.
If it were me, I would think about the tasks that bother you the most, and have a talk with him. If you show him the difference in hours worked, it should give you leverage. I hope it will be possible to do in a nonconfrontational way. Explain that you are tired.

Good luck.

D.

Love that other sahm feel the same but the reality is, there's no nuetral boss to complain to, one of my girlfriends told me not to take the trash out or mow the lawn, but if I want it done??? When I want it done... I do it myself, I do the same as u listed, almost a mother of 4 anyday now, and I'm still cleaning the toilets, scrubbing my floor, and giving my 3 little ones baths, would love for some 50/50, I try to tell myself if my husband stayed at home he would do my laundry, but I know he wouldn't even get to it, with everythingelse in the house there is to do, and manage. Things have been better without expecting too much from him, he does do a lot around here, but like to be prised when he does the little things I do everyday like 1 load of dishes, or vaccuming half the house, its ok, not everyone has sahm super powers, some get cleaning ladies, nannies, or help from their own family, and some of us need to be managers and the people who do it all including the toilets:( anyway chin up, its best to do ur job smiling, than to be bitter, I know its easier said than done. There's only a few responsibilities my husbnd has, lawn, trash, nd ironing his own clothes in the am, I pretty much clean up after him just like another child but I love him and I'm enjoying being home with my little guys while I can, I will be happy to go back to work eventually, and treat myself here and there for all the hard work I've done:) well my bags re packed and I'm looking foward to my hospital vacation in a week to have our 4th son:) good luck!! Nd just beeee Happppy:)

Here is how I see it:
6:30 am to 5 pm: your husband is at his job. You are at yours (taking care of the kids and home or otherwise said nanny and maid)
5pm to bed time: you are a family, he is a dad and should do his dad's job (playing with the kids, helping with homework, giving bath, feeding baby...) while you do your mom's job (basically the same, just agree on your family's terms) Family time is a time to be, relax and work together, mom, dad and children. You can agree on who cooks dinner or wash the dishes but all family members should get involved!

To help your husband understand, you can:
- pay yourself a salary, as full time nanny/maid, so he can value you
- stop "serving" him, no breakfast, clean laundry... for a week and he may get the idea of team work
- Take a week-end off and leave him to manage at home for 2 days
- show him how bad example he is for your children. Does he want his daughters to think they shouldn't expect help at home from their husbands? Does he want your son to behave like that (with the risk of not even finding a mate accepting this behavior!)

Times are changing A family is a team and tasks should be equally distributed (children included).

yep I pretty much do everything, INCLUDING mowing the 10 acres that we live on, trash duty, gardening, fixing stuff, cooking, cleaning, laundry, ironing, bathing, feeding, dishes, the list goes on - even when I worked full time I did it all.

I get a few breaks though, my son is at school and thank the Lord my daughter naps 2 hours a day, so that is a nice long break. your children should be in school, so you should have it pretty easy during the day.

If it makes you feel any better, I do all of those chores, PLUS work forty hours a week and take overnight call as well- I'm a single mom, not by choice! Being a SAHM is a privilege - but I don't think your hubby is treating you as an equal partner in this marriage.

I've had some of these same thoughts, you are not alone! My husband is fairly helpful around the house if I ask, so I can't complain too much, but it gets to me sometimes too. I think the hardest thing for us was to get him to understand that he got to come home from work, but I didn't. I was surrounded by it all the time and even if it was 11pm and laundry needed to be folded, I was "supposed" to do it...and that kind of sucks sometimes! Now, I'm not saying it's easy to work hard all day and come home and do more, different work, but at least it breaks his day up and the kids are of course thrilled to see him!

I do think it's okay to talk to him and say look, I'm going to do what needs to be done, but some nights I'm going to stop "doing" after dinner. If there's things that need to get done, I'd like you to help a bit and sometimes I'm going to let things go until tomorrow. If I get really behind on things, then hubby will chip in, but honestly, I usually have to ask him ( in a nice way, which is also sometimes hard!) b/c men do not see the things that need to be done even if they are glaringly obvious! I think one of the most obvious things he can and should be helping with is bedtime. THat should not be all on you, and yes one person absolutely can get multiple kids ready for bed, but it's so much easier when you both do it. Or split it up...he does baths and you do pajamas and books or whatever...mix it up!

I'm sure more than enough people got on you about this post. I understand your frustration. I have four kids all under four years old, and am a SAHM. I had a hard time asking for help and understanding what that help would entail.
A couple of things worked for us. Everyday isn't perfect and I'm dead tired as I type this, but things have to be done around here and I'm the one to do it.

Our compromise
He does all manly stuff. Anything that deals with the car (including driving me around), the trash, the yard, disciplining the kids, and "taking care" of me is his job.
I'll do the kids, dinners, laundry, etc. Everything else is on a "if I have time" basis.
Keep it simple. Eat, be clean and have fun. That's all that really matters.

If he wants a 50's wife, give it to him. Cook dinner, wash a load of clothes and play with the children. Remember, in the 50's the man paid the bills, took out trash, etc. You see where I'm going? Take it really old school.

If you are a believer, read Proverbs 31:10 It tells you the value of a woman. We are different from men, by design. You can handle it. Just hang in there. :o)

We have 4 kids: 16, 8, 4 and almost 1. The 16 year old no longer lives with us (long story). Anyway, I do the laundry, all housework, grocery shopping, dishes. I also pick out the kid's clothes and bath the younger two. I do most of the cooking. However, hubby just recently took over the bill paying. He also does the yard work and garbage. He cooks on the weekends and sometimes throughout the week. He feeds the baby his food at supper, changes him in to his bed clothes and gives him his bottle and puts him to bed. He also feeds and puts him down for a nap on weekends or his days off.
If I need help with any of the housework, he'll pitch in. He's ALWAYS been helpful with the kids. I couldn't ask for a better father for my kids. With all three of the little kids he took 1-2 weeks off work to help me after having them. We would "trade off" during the weekends so I'd get one night of uninterrupted sleep when they were getting up every two hours to eat.

Maybe our situation is unique, I don't know. I know that I've become accustomed to how things are in my house. I don't think I could be with a man who left everything to me, especially taking care of the kids. So, may be I'm spoiled? I don't know.

People would say to hubby "so you're babysitting" and he says "NO, they're MY kids. It's not babysitting when they're YOUR kids, it's what I'm supposed to do."

Wow, some responses were harsh. I am in a similar boat as you. SAHM with a two year old. I spent a lot of time being pissed off about how little my hubby did when he was home from work. I imagined things to be much different once our son was born. Not really helping with housework per se, but helping to take care of our baby. Change diapers, bath, bedtime, etc. But after he was born, he did less to help around the house and didn't help with the baby at all. I have to say for the first year or so of my son's life I was very resentful of my hubby, even having talks with him with no change. I am also someone that does things myself and usually does not ask for help. That's probably my problem.

Anyhow, a few months ago, I got over it because I was tired of being mad all the time. I just decided I will spend time with my son, clean when I can, take time for myself, and not get mad about him doing nothing. Occasionally I see him sitting on the couch before dinner when my son is at my feet while I'm trying to make dinner and he is TOTALLY oblivious to what is going on, and I just say to myself "I'm glad he has a chance to relax after a long day". And he does work long, stressful, very busy days. I HAVE to think this way or it would destroy me.

It is a very thankless job. The only time my husband mentions the house looks nice is when I have vacuumed (haha, I guess I don't need to do anything else....maybe I'll start vacuuming everyday). I guess it all depends how much you can take. Maybe if your hubby just told you everyday that you're doing a great job or the house looks nice, that would be enough. I just try and remember that I am lucky enough to see my son all day, everyday and take care of him.

Hope you get the answer you're looking for!