Consequences for Grades and Homework

I used to be a teacher, but am now a stay at home mom. I suggest hiring a tutor, because children seem to work better with someone other than their parents. It is time set aside for serious work and they tend not to screw around as they might if they were working with a parent. Hope that helps???

Hi N.,

Maybe you should have him tested, it could be his learning style and all kids have different learning styles. Maybe try to get him some tutoring and see if that helps or talk to him about what's going on at school and see if he'll open up to you. Some kids are just bored with various subjects and again it could be his learning style.

Yes i belive that if someone starts their homework right away after school helps. I am a daughter and still in high school. My mom did the whole "giving me money" trick, and that actually worked for a while. If that doesnt work, then talk to him and ask why he doesnt want to excell in school. There must be a reason for doing it such as being too "cool" or something. If he flat out doesnt want to do it then tell him he cant hang out with his friends or have any time after school until he brings his grades up. or if he loves video games, tell him he cant play them. education is key and he really needs to understand how important it is! You sound like a good mom though.

Hi Nocole,
I tell my kids that they can't do anything fun, video games, computer, play outside until the homework is done & I check it. If he spends 6hrs at the table doing his work, then that's his choice. It took a week of me doing this with my boys that they both know they come home, finish their homework and then they can play.
Also, when I check it, if there's errors or they didn't finish something, I make them correct it before they can play. This is really important because they try to go to fast that they don't do it correctly.
Also, talk to your teacher. I noticed that when the teacher and I were on the same page, they did there work better and had better grades because they knew they couldn't lie about it or get out of it. If he chooses to not do his work, then make him repeat 8th grade. I tell my kids that if they don't do the work, they will stay in the same grade until they do. I haven't had to enforce it yet, so they are learning :)))
good luck.
B.

Can you get your son a tutor? A lot of times kids get poor grades because they missed some vital concept when they were younger. In 8th grade if his multiplication facts and and knowledge of mathematical properties aren't solid, then he may struggle figuring out the algebra problems. It would be my advice to have him checked out for what he knows. Most schools offer after school homework clubs, or evaluations of what your son knows so that you can help him fill in the blanks. A tudor can then help him with that. Encouraging him when he sticks with a difficult assignment seems to work the best for my kids. We set a routine , the kids get home have a snack, and then start in on homework. I try to be close by, in case they need help. My oldest struggles with her homework, but we really encourage her when she is able to finish. In the beginning my daughter didn't want to do homework. We set a timer. I asked her to work really hard for a set amount of time. Once she saw how much she accomplished, she was proud of herself. We gave her lots of praise for sticking with it. Now she is able to sit for an hour and a half a night doing homework. Good luck!

Hi N.,
My son is now a high school freshman, and he had similar issues starting in 8th grade. The first thing to establish is whether he is 'struggling' because it is difficult for him, or because he is 'struggling' with hormones and social issues and all that teen stuff (which is my son's problem...).
Your teachers will probably be able to guide you there. If you can't meet with them personally, try e-mail.
If the problem is that the work is difficult for him, a tutor could help. Many parents don't realize that 8th grade math - algebra - is a lot harder than anything they have had to date, and some kids who have had no trouble in math through 7th grade suddenly struggle in 8th. It's absolutely critical that they understand 8th grade algebra, so if that is where he is having a hard time, get help. The high school exit exam math section is 8th grade algebra, and all subsequent math classes will build on this foundation. If he is struggling with his core class - english and history, you could try getting his eyes checked. I know that sounds silly, but I have heard that sometimes adolescence affects eyesight. I also encourage you to read the books that he is reading for class, so that you can discuss them. It will have the double effect of setting a good example, and proving to yourself that he is 'getting it'.
If his problem is not ability, but attitude, he's a normal teen. Every parent of a boy this age seems to be facing the same issues. I try to use both 'consequences' (I prefer that term over 'punnishment') and 'rewards'. Fortunately our High School has a web site where most teachers post grades on an ongoing basis, so I can stay on top of things - and he knows I will. In junior high I didn't have that tool, so my most effective 'consequence' was to volunteer in the classroom if he did not improve. (It was such an effective threat that I never had to follow through!)
As for after school routines, different boys need different things. My son was always starving after school, and thirsty as well. If he wasn't in a sport, it also helped sometimes for him to shoot some hoops before settling down to homework.
It has also always helped him if I am in the room when he does homework - just to keep him focused.
Good luck, and don't forget to let him know that you care about his grades because you love him, and you will always love him no matter what!

Many 8th grade boys don't get the grades we would want them to. Define bad grades. If he is struggling have a student study team at his school. You will find out what his teachers think and they can make some suggestions for school and home time. Perhaps he needs to be tested for a learning disability. Is this new or an ongoing problem? Ask your son what will work for him. He needs a place to do homework and to study. He also needs a routine, shall he have an hour after school to relax and then work for 30 minutes? Can he work for an hour after 30 minutes break? He needs to be involved in this decision making process. Does he have an organizer which you could check? Does the school have a website to check on homework and projects? Punishment and bribing rarely work, the goals are too long term for such a young boy. Get some information and get his involvement. Don't expect instant success. Celebrate any improvement.

He may be having trouble understanding the information that is given to him. It might be worth having him tested by the school psychologist through a written reqest to the school district. A sample letter can be found on www.php.com under special education. Some of the problems he may have can be related to speech and language, reading or comprehension problems.
The medical doctor should also check him out for ADD or other medical problems like an underactive thyroid.
You could hire tutors to help with homework. If you cannot afford one, you can see if a high schooler can do it. They often need to earn community education credits.
Often, a tutor can point out problems that the child is having that the parents are unaware of.
Along the lines of a tutor, maybe he can have a friend come over to do homework with them.
I do tutoring and love the library. Maybe he can do his homework at the library where there is less distractions
His teacher may not be a good match with his learning style.
Speaking of homework routines, let him have some down time before starting his homework. If he gets home at 3, then he can start his homework at 3:30 p.m. Find a routine that will work for him. With a short attention span, you could start with 15 minute homework, 5 minute break. Make sure you use a timer.
I hope this is helpful.

Hi there, I just read your post and had some ideas. If you give him a goal, something that he can get or do. Like a cool toy or take him somewhere that is a rare treat. Set a realistic grade that you expect from him, like a 'B' in math or 'A' in English and then when he achieves it treat him to whatever it is you set as his goal. You could even put a picture of it in his room or wherever it is he does his homework. As far as what time he should start his homework, I have heard studies down both ways and they both were beneficial. I think the key is consistency. Just pick a time you feel is good and then keep to that schedule every day. Maybe when he comes home make him a snack to unwind, but don't let him get distracted by friends or t.v. until his gets his homework done. These are just some suggestions, I hope they help!

Try to find a balance.
As a former teacher, it was work to try to figure out what motivates each child. Punishment never really gets at the heart of the matter--it only breeds resentment. Be honest with each other about the struggles with homework and grades. Be available to help if the homework is hard. If you're really battling it out each night, opt for tutoring if you can afford it. If your son needs a break after school, give him one, with an agreed upon time limit for the break time. It can be first thing when he gets home because it's been an overlaod all day for him, or work for an hour, then a break. Since he's in 8th grade, there can be some negotiations here between you two about what to do. I think focusing on time management is a key skill to learn (how much time is needed for the homework, how much down time he needs, and what are things he wants to do). Let's say he wants to go to his friend's house, play games, watch a movie, but also has music lessons + practice. Try to not have toomuch activiites in one day if possible. Cut out on extracurriculars but the very minimum he can handle time wise. You can decide what's most important to keep and he can also elect something to do. Balance is key. If he takes 2 hours to do his homework (with procrastinating, gathering his materials, etc.) then figure out if he has time from the moment he comes home to his bed time to be able to accomplish the workload plus have time to for his breaks. Multiple breaks are recommended and stating that he can be free during that period of time may be incentive enough. As a teacher, I didn't subsscribe to bribing with money because I couldn't afford to in class so I think there are ways to do it without $$. Plus you'd be uping the ante all the time if he works h*** o* the homework and then you might resent the homework, which was not intending to make your lives miserable. Learning is the obejective with homework. If he gets more free time then maybe homework might take less time--but be sure it's quality work! How about a good "treat" at the end of the week that you both decide on ahead of time if the week was hassle-free over homework. It could be anything from sleeping-in on the weekend to an ice cream sundae at the local parlor. Doesn't have to be fancy, just celebratory. Remember, balance is key. Good luck on finding a harmonious working partnership over homework/grades. It's a big issue in education.
A.L.
PS Have you talked to his teacher(s) or school counselor to make sure his struggles are not related to learning issues that are beyond his control? That would be very frustrating for him to not be able to acheive what is expected of him ( and what he expects of himself) and yet he is putting in a lot of effort without the results. Just a thought there.

First, decide exactly what your expectations are of him. For instance my parents told me I could bring home nothing below a C in my academic classes as long as I pulled A's in my art classes. Then hold him to it.
Ask him if he thinks he needs a tutor - the rest is up to him.

I suggest that you read Love and Logic book on teenagers.

My son is very bright, but in jr. high his grades began to fall. First it was because he was not studying enough. He did not realize that the classes would be so much harder. He also did not really know how to take notes and study since Elementary concepts are taught through constant repitition and most of the "studying" for quizzes and tests is done in the classroom. Also, he once he got past that bump in the road, he decided he was going to goof off with his friends so he could be "cool" and studying afterschool did not fit that image.

Instead of getting mad at him, I turned it back on him by saying "I am SO sorry for you...getting such poor grades! You really are a smart boy, but maybe your future does not matter that much to you". He was confused and asked why I was saying that, which opened the opportunity to talk about what he wanted from life...good job, nice car, big house, etc. I explained to him that in order to get to that picture of his future, he had to get good grades in jr. high so he could do college prep or AP in high school so he could get into a good college to get a degree to get a good job. I made it clear that I was very disappointed because, after all, he is a smart boy and should not be getting those kind of grades and that the only person he was hurting was himself. I then asked him to write me an 1 page essay about why this was occurring, what his consequences should be, what changes he needed to make, etc. He then became proactive about his schoolwork, asked a couple of his teachers to change his seat in classes (away from friends) and started doing homework.

My son does take a break prior to starting homework after being in the classroom all day and take several short breaks while doing homework; especially if it is heavy.

I would also contact his teachers or academic counselor for help and to ask their insights to this problem. There may be something else going on at school that you are unaware of.

Hope this helps. Good Luck!

Hi! Have you tried talking to his AB (Academic Block) teacher? He/she sees him the most during his week. Sometimes they will have a good insight into what might be at the source of the problem. Sometimes, a teacher will identify someone as a good possible peer mentor. My son was paired up with another student in 8th grade, and he spent time working with and encouraging that student when it came to homework and projects. Friends have a very powerful influence. Failing this, the AB teacher may have some motivators they can help put into place for him. I hope this helps.

Hi N.,

I am a middle school teacher so I have encountered my fair shair of kids with issues similar to your son.

You asked from tips on afterschool routines, so here goes:

1) If he is involved in sports or other activities, get it down to just one thing that meets once or twice a week. He can't get his grades up if he doesn't have time to study.

2) Sit down with your son and together block out the time between school and bed. Establish a set time to begin work, and schedule in breaks as well (figure on 30min per class per night and let him have any extra time as free time). Maybe something like...
3-3:45 Relax/unwind/free time
3:45-4:15 Math
4:15-4:30 Break
4:30-5:00 ELA
5-5:15 Break
5:30-6:00 History
6-6:15 Set table, wash hands, help parents
7-7:30 Science
7:30- 8 Work on any long term projects
8-9 TV (American Idol or whatever he's into)
9-9:30 Go over complete assignments with mom/dad, make any needed corrections, pack bag for tomorrow.
9:30-10 Free
10 Bed

3) Contact his teachers to let them know you're concerned. Ask about their homwork policies, mak-up work, late work, extra credit, etc. Knowing that you are interested will make them more likely to make special accomodations for your son (just make sure they know you aren't critisizing the work they are already doing :-D ) Also, ask them how long they expect their homework to take each night. That will help make a more realistic schedule; I tell my students that if my assignment takes more than 30 minutes they should stop, because they clearly do not understand it, but every teacher is different.

Hope this helps.
T.

Hi N.,
I have a challenging 12 year old who has been a challenge to us since he was born. All of his teachers always said to me to use positive reinforcement rather than negative to get the behavior we wanted. Of course there are consequences but try putting in some rewards for the behavior you want instead of a consequence for the behavior you don't want. It took a while to figure out what my son would work for but I will tell you, every time we offer him an incentive to either do his homework independently (which is the behavior we want), it works. My son is money motivated, so while others may not like it, we do offer him cash for his services (kinda like a job).. it works for him and there is a LOT less fighting. He had to do a very challenging reading program recently.. knowing that getting a cell phone at the end of the sessions really made him work for it. See if you can find out what will motivate him. Since money for good grades didn't work, maybe do a reward for shorter intervals of time... does all his homework for the week, gets something. Getting a reward 13 weeks later could just be too far for him to see. Break the job down, studying for tests, completing homework, that sort of thing. Idea: do your homework first then you watch tv. everytime you do that you get "x" . I hope some of this is helpful
C.
mom of 12 year old and 10 year old boys
www.myjockeyp2p.com./C.

It depends on why he's struggling. If he's struggling because it's actually very difficult for him, I think understanding and acceptance is in order. Maybe find some educational computer games that might help. We don't all get As and we don't all learn the same way. You may have to find different ways to look at things so he can get it more easily. If it's that he just doesn't care about doing his work or he'd rather do something else, then I'd do the reward/punishment thing.

I am lucky that my 10 year old has little trouble with homework, that's the way I was. But I will always remember my mother and sister fighting about it every day. It was torture for my sister & she cried all the time. She's not dumb, or lazy. It just didn't come easy for her. She learns by doing and by reading. Unfortunatly, conventional schools aren't set up that way.

Hi N.,
I had a simular problem with my daughter. I understand
that boys may be harder still. What I finally did was get
a qualified tutor. I called the school and they had a list
of great tutors. I would suggest getting him a male tutor.
I Think he might respond to a male better. My daughter's
tutor was a nice lady and she connected like no other
Teacher could. I believe it's the one-on-one time that makes the difference. My daughter is now a senior in high school. She gets alot of A's her GPA is now 3.83.
I am very proud of her. I wish you all the BEST!
Sincerely, M. V.

N.,
Having grown up an average student myself, and struglled to get my homework done on time. My parents where both well educated people. What none of us knew was that I was dislexic. This gave me a lot of problems when it came to doing homework because it caused much frustration in me, and I didn't want to say anything for fear of looking like an idiot to my parents and peers. I didn't get myself tested untill I was Junior in college, once I did that and I was able to focus on a different way of learning (then traditional teaching mechanisims) I became an A student.

Level of learning (disabilities for lack of a better term) are different for everybody. One thing I found out for myself was that I learn concepts very quickly and take the learning from text books and apply the consepts to real life very easily. I am also very annalytical so after I have a grasp for the consepts I can then work on the specifics. This is often the reverse of how subjects are taught in school.

My advice before deciding to punish for bad grades or reward for good ones (my parents at one time offered me $100 for every A on my report card, but because I didn't learn in same order as the teachings that never happened)would be to first find the root of the difficulty for your son's learning. Go to a local learning center or community college (if you are in the Woodland area the Woodland Community College is where I had my testing done). Worst case is that you find that your son learns differently and then have to make some adjustments and he'll end up doing better on his own without the need of punishment/reward tactics.

By the way, if it comes to be that your son does have a difference in learning, take some pride in the fact that most people who learn differently have higher IQ's. Einstien learned differntly than everyone else in his school, and he is now regarded as one of the smartest scientist in history.

My son is only 10 but I have learned some things that may be helpful. We have an "everything extra is earned" policy in our house. My son earns video game time & computer time by reading, and getting good grades on a weekly basis. He has to read for 30 minutes to earn 10 minutes of video/computer time and get C's or better on weekly assignments (C's=5 min, B's=10 min and A's =15 min, any grades lower than that time is deducted). At then end of the week he is allowed to cash in (Fri-Sun). He still has chores around the house and plays a sport. His grades have improved and he is more confident because he wants to get the most time by the end of the week.
Just so you know-he hardly ever uses all of the time!
My son also does his best when he comes home and does homework right away. I am hoping that this formula will last and that we can just change "what" he is earning as his interests change! Good Luck.

I also have an eighth grader and a seventh grader. My seventh grader hates school, so we have lots of problems with grades.She is however improving with positive reinforcement.The teachers sign her homework planner everyday,it's up to her to get thier signatures.Then as soon as we get home its snack, discussion time. I sit with her and she shows me the planner and together we decide what to start with. We have to always make sure she has a quiet space to do homework/and or studing in.(That's hard sometimes because I have a Kinder running around too!)We always try to praise for work well done.But when bad grades come( and they do)We take away a privilege. All kids are different for her its her TV time.We only take it away for a specified time.Don't take away anything that is going to make you miserable.We tried that and it didn't work.If I had to suffer then were they really suffering?Also find something he would really love to do over the summer and tell him he can do it as long as the grades and homework are satisfactory.Example: My daughter wants to take cooking classes so I told her she has to get certain grades and homework in, to be able to go to cooking school. Things have changed since that conversation.Some children just need something to look forward to,school days are long and boring for alot of kids.Try to let them see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.Hope this helps alittle anyways.

Have him checked out for ADHD and learning disabilities to rule those out. The school can do some testing but do it right away as there is a window of time that the school has, so you want to make sure it happens this school year. Also, make an appointment and talk to a school or private counselor about the problems and concerns, and ideas on what to do. They are professionals and should be able to give you some concrete ideas. Also, have your son involved in the decisions of what the strategies are going to be. This way he will be more apt to comply instead of feeling put upon. Make it a team effort. He probably wants to succeed as much as you want him to. Also, don't be afraid to speak to individual teachers for help and tips on the subject they teach. You are right to do this BEFORE high school. You want the high school years to be positive. Good luck!

HI N.,
You state that your son is "struggling in school" yet you want to know if you should "punish for bad grades"? I have always felt the positive approach is the best route. By all means reward him for good grades i.e money, etc. Have you met with his teachers, or had him tested for learning disabilites. What type of high school will he be attending next year? One with a regular or block schedule? Perhaps he needs a tutor? Does he play any sports? I have found that my children have always done better academically when they were playing a sport. Good luck.

This is really a difficult issue for you. There is no way you can force him. At some point he has to decide on his own whether or not he is going to do what is required. The public middle schools in Chico have many programs to help kids be successful. Have you talked with his teachers? his counselor? He may be trying to get your attention or rebelling in some way. Remember teens brains are really scrambled and doing big changes physiologically. Letting him know the consequences of his choices will have him in summer school, repeating 8th grade, etc. is important. Saying, "I hope you will get your home work done" is better than ordering him and threatening. Try not to worry about high school now.

Does he have something he cant live without? Like a cell phone? Take it from him. In the 8th grade students know what they need to do and if they are struggling they should come and ask for help. No excuse for bad grades. Stay on top of it, being a good parent isn’t easy, its hard work. My daughter is in the 8th grade as well. And I feel like raising kids properly is a full time job.

I think its important to find out why your son is struggling in school by talking with him and all of his teachers. Is there too much homework that its burning him out or is he having troube staying focused. My first son had both but was an "A and B" student. His struggles grew with each year of school and after having him evaluated we discover he had ADD the inatentive type. I was shocked and never would have thought he had ADD because he is such a polite, respectful kid who never is in any type of trouble. He is now a junior in high school. He is now on concerta and is doing great. My other son is a freshman and is not as interested in school. I used to offer money for good grades but that is not an option due to finances. I do communicate weekly with his teachers and ground him by taking away his cell phone and myspace. He also must go to tutoring for on or two classes or is grounded from his friends. I have found that I just need to stay on top of him and he knows that I mean business. As you can see both of my boys are very different and I have to address them accordingly. I would start with him and his teachers. Have him be a part of the solution. I feel they need some kind of a break afterschool before starting on homework. Good luck.
T. L.

My daughter is in 8th grade as well. When she was in 6th grade, I let her take a break as soon as she got home thinking that she'd been in school all day and would do better after a break, however, it seemed it would get later and later into the evening and the homework was not getting done at all and her grades were showing it.

At the beginning of 7th grade, I made sure that she starts homework as soon as she gets home - no friends, no phone calls, no TV until homework is done. Her grades improved from D's and F's to A's and B's.

We've kept that routine this year as well and she is still doing great in school.

Every once in a while, I let her have a friend over for a while and then homework, but that's only occasionally.

Even though I feel like I am a pretty lax mom, this routine still works for me.

HI N.
I would try have a parent teacher conference with every single teacher With YOUR SON there hes at the age where he knows what going on try that and if you don't want that try a tutor school
God Bless Mother of 4 Danielle
Good luck

Hi
Boy, do I feel your pain! My fourteen year old son was held back last year and repeated the seventh grade, and is in danger of being held back yet again!

I have hired tutors, taken him to counseling, even brought in his dad, who lives in another town, and he still will not do his work. He is not a major behavior problem, he appears well adjusted, and his teachers like him, we just can't motivate him. I have grounded him, taken away all electronics, bribed, cried, pleaded, threatened with never seeing his friends, etc. He goes to my moms after school and she has tried to help, but he lies about having homework and won't study. I've been told to just let it be, and he'll "mature" on his own, but I feel like a failure as a mother. As for homework, my mom will let him have a snack, unwind, talk about his day, etc. before she tries to talk to him about homework. When his tutor was coming, they would get to work about 4:30 or 5:00. I get home from work at 6:00, so they would be finishing when I got home.

I am a social worker and work with many different professionals, and I have gotten all kinds of advice, but I just don't want to live in a war zone by making his life so miserable he takes it out on me, so, he'll have to face the consequences of possibly being a third year seventh grader. My question is, where are the schools! I have had meeting after meeting, and they do nothing but blame me! So much for no child left behind, right?

Anyway, sorry for the rant, but your post hit home and had to tell you to hang in there and as I have been told, "this too shall pass!"

Take care and good luck, and if you get any good tips, please pass them along!

Suzanne

I'm a former science and math teacher of middle schoolage kids. It is a difficult time for them anyway. Their bodies are changing, hormones and all. If he is headed to high school next year, have him shadow someone already there one day. It may inspire him for what's coming. If he does well, he will do better in high school and perhaps be in more interesting classes as a freshman. He may need a mentor or tutor for a while to get him back on track. When he experiences some achievement he will be more motivated to continue. You will know when to reward him. It shouldn't be the carrot because he'll only get frustrated trying. Good luck.
E. C.

Hi N.: Well, I guess we all go through this period of our son's lives. My son always seems to have the motivation issues when it comes to doing his chores and gets great grades in school but has social skills issues. The bad grades could mean your son is having problems learning and talking to the school counselors right away may help there. Since you are not there, this is where they should step up and see if he has reading problems, comprehension issues or just doesn't want to be in school. You could check his eyes and see if he is having health problems. Showing him that you are concerned for his grades and asking what is going through his mind may help. I unfortunately do not believe in grounding or not giving money on grades. I don't give my son allowance anymore because his three chores have never been accomplished without me having to remind him. So even though I always have to tell him get the chores done, I guess we have a silent agreement to do it at some point once I have gotten home from work. I have found that making my son do his homework immediately after school is not always best. I tell him he can have 1 hour to relax and unwind but then he must start his homework. Then dinner is breaktime and before bed he must be done. If you can, spend time with him going over his homework and you may see what is bothering him, if it is attention issues or other things.
I am told they grow out of this stage. I am unfortunately still waiting. But I wish you luck and you have support everywhere.
T.
mother to Tyler (14)

Hi N.,

My niece (who is 13 and in the eighth grade now) had this same problem and summer before last my sister-in-law put her in summer school and enrolled her in the Sylvan tutoring program.

My niece hated having to go to school during summer. Realizing that she would have to give up her summers and be in school while all of her friends were having fun was a big motivator for her to do better in school. And, Sylvan really helped her improve her study habits. She was in the Sylvan program for just under a year. I think having a third party (the Sylvan tutors) involved really helped (I know it ended many battles between my sister-in-law and niece.)

My niece's grades improved drastically (she now gets straight As!) And, her confidence also increased tremendously (enough that she tried out for and made the 8th grade basketball team last fall!)

It might be worth looking into for your son!

Good luck.

N.

I have a daughter in 7th grade and struggle with the same issues. I find that having her do homework as soon as she gets home, helps. She'll have a snack beside her and get it over and done with. Then she has the rest of the evening for other activities she enjoys. When she falters with grades/homework I use the currency method. If she gets good grades and keeps up with chores she gets privleges(going out with friends/phone time/text time/i-pod cards, etc.). If she starts falling behind I slowly start to take privleges away- unitll at times she's been left with zero! It's helped me keep her on track. Also keeping in touch with the teachers via e-mail helps, she knows she can't lie about it because I can easliy find out what is really going on at school. good luck!

N. I commend you for reaching out about this subject. I only wish I had a resource like this when I was struggling with my daughter at this age. I don't come with extensive help other than work closely with him on his homework (yes it is a big sacrafice, but it may indeed work), and also spend the remainder of this school year working "closely" with his teachers and counselors to assess where he is losing interest. Sometimes it may even be the individual teachers and he may need to begin to work with teachers better suited for his needs. It may seem like a lot but it is so worth the sacrafice now, because if you don't get a hold of it will carry on into high school. Good luck darling...and know that you are not alone.

Kids his age are neither kids or adults and they find it hard to figure out what their place in the world is. If nothing seems to either motivate him or face him when you punish or reward him, he may be suffering from adolescent depression. Kids that age don't tell you that they are depressed because they often can't explain what they are feeling.

I would take him to his doctor and have him checked out and seek professional mental health. Sometimes kids need to listen to a neutral third party to get some of these feelings out.

Good luck

How long has he been struggling? I know a lot of boys struggle at this age and mine did. The advice I had from a lot of people was to get him tested while still in junior high... easier to get help if needed when he goes to high school if there are any issues that need to be addressed. Many boys struggle through these years and then a big change happens. I personally don't think grades should be the factor for punishing. Structure should be set up and expectations and certain privileges withheld if the effort is not being put in. Very important to keep calm.

N., I feel your pain. I have a 17 year old junior who sometimes lacks the motivation to do what she is supposed to do. She plays basketball. The school allows students to play so long as they maintain a 2.0. That is unacceptable to my husband and I. We made it a rule that if she brought home any D's she wouldn't play. She is B/C student. We expect her to do her best and not just get by. She knows that this is not a thinly vieled promise. We have carried it out. She has been pulled from the team for having a D in her math class. That lasted until she got it in gear and did what she was supposed to do.

She maintains that she wants to go to college, but we have talked about how she has to step up her game if she really wants to go.

When she starts slipping, we don't allow phone use, tv or leisure computer time during the week. That allows her to spend her time focusing on school. I constantly monitor her progress on Schoolloop and maintain contact with her teachers.

While we don't pay for good grades, bringing home poor grades does have a consequence of lost allowance. Since she is a fashionista in training, this cuts deep.

We have found taking away what is most important to her when her grades are down is the quickest way for her to get back in line. Perhaps you just haven't found that "it" thing yet for your son.

He should get in the habit of starting his homework right away. When my daughter gets home, we have her eat a snack and take a respite of about 1/2 hour. Then start the homework. That way if she has quite a bit, she's not burning the midnight oil to get it done.

Good luck, keep searching, but never give up. It's too important.

It is always good to give your child a healthy snack (or have him fix one himself) as soon as he gets home from school. He should then get into a routine of doing his homework soon after the snack "break." Have a quiet place for him to sit, yet close to you so that you can offer support (kitchen table, perhaps?). If he's in his room, you're in the dark as to what and how he is doing. Always be supportive, empathetic and positive. Punishment at this age can be detrimental and discouraging. Using words like, "I know this can be difficult for you, but do your very best," lets him know that you understand what he is going through but that it is still his responsibility to attempt this challenge. Keep him away from video games/TV/computer/phone/friends until his homework is finished. If you are consistant with this he should soon want to finish so that he can reap the rewards of doing what he wants afterwards.

I know this can be frustrating for you as well, but try to stay positive and give him praise when he does something well - not "good job" but actually spell out what it is: "I really like how you took the time to research this answer." That way he knows exactly what you are refering to and hopefully will continue doing a "good job."

I hope this helps.

My daughter had an obscure vision disability that was diagnosed when she was in the 5th grade. I had felt that something was wrong as early as the 2nd grade but the teachers never felt there was an issue. At the beginning of the 5th grade, her teacher said that my daughter was "just lazy." Find someone who can diagnose your son's issues. Start asking around to see who has been helpful to other parents. Once my daughter's disability was diagnosed, she was so relieved to know that her problems weren't because she was stupid. We were lucky, with 8 months of therapy, her problems were ameliorated, but she still needs some special coaching in reading to help her get over some bad habits. Most kids do want to be at least decent students, and it sounds like your son has given up a bit.

Sometimes children just need to be talk to. Ask him if anything is going on in school. Sometimes kids have issues that we are unaware of. Let him know you are concern about him in all areas of his life. See if he has a hard time in any subjects that's causing him to struggle.If that's the case get him some tutoring. I find it easy when my children get home to have a snack, use the restroom and get right to homework. I do this because the work is still fresh in their minds. I'm a mother of four and my oldest is sixteen. I have a 8th grader and I was having problelms with her and school. She's starting to turn things around thank God. I let her know if she doesn't take school serious she will end up in a bad situation when she gets older. I ask her what she wanted to do when she grew up. She told me and I informed her this is what needs to be done to acomplish her goals. I also let her vistit a college campus to see she's not far from her goals and future dreams. When punshing a child I've learned to take what matters most to them. Spankings don't last at that age. Unfortunately I had to take her cell phone from her and she couldn't go know where for awhile. What's extremly important to him, that he feels he couldn't live without. Start there! I hope I was some help.