Consequences for Teen /Going Away for Weekend

If his grades are bad, find out why. Chances are he's struggling and not just being lazy.

I think it's a mistake to punish kids for bad grades. There is almost always a reason why grades are suddenly lower than usual, and it's rarely a result of laziness or apathy.

Use this weekend to talk to him. Bring his school books and set aside some time to look at his homework and get a better idea of what's going on. Work with hi on this. Let him know you are there to help and support.

That's cruel. Don't leave him out. Try finding out why his grades are going downhill. He is not being rewarded. He is part if the family and deserves to be included.

I'm not sure why parents punish for grades instead of helping the child out! You should be working with him to discover why his grades are slipping. It might be that he needs to be more responsible or study harder, but then he will need help with that too.

As far as being disrespectful, it should not be tolerated but it may be because he is frustrated with school.

I would sit down and talk with him. He needs to know what you expect and how he should behave. He also needs a good plan for school, whether it's extra tutoring, better study habits, better organization, etc.

Sometimes stepping away from school and friend is just what is needed to fix things. I would bring him along with a clear set of expectations, and if he doesn't meet the expectations on the trip he will face consequences later.

At least give him a chance!

Glad you decided to take him. I think kids who are struggling need MORE family time, not less!

Family time is not a reward or a punishment.
It's tempting to use the cabin as his currency but don't.
Don't cancel the trip and do take him along.
Work with him on his grades.
Keep on top of his homework assignments, get him a tutor where he needs it and social/non family things (like the scouting weekend) might be put on hold.
Mouthy and disrespectful means he needs more energy burning chores - mow the lawn, rake the leaves, wash the car, take out trash, dig up a garden bed for you, etc.
It's when they're the hardest to love is when they need it the most.

Is the cabin family time or truly a reward? Why not continue with your family plans and cancel his next fun trip with his friends until can act right.

I'll probably end up referencing this book ad nauseum because I like it so much, but I am reading a book called "Masterminds and Wingmen," which is about adolescent boys.

The boys interviewed for the book said that far and away the biggest punishment is to cut them off from their friends AND the means to communicate with them. Grounding at home doesn't do anything if they can still use XBox live, their phone, Skype, etc.

What you are proposing isn't punishment, and isn't related to the "crime." Furthermore, what a boy needs at this age is MORE time with family, away from TV and computers and phones and friends, not less. What's he going to do at his mother's house? Probably play video games and text all weekend. Not a punishment at all.

I would suggest that you come up with a consistent plan for how he earns what he values, with is time with and communication with his friends. If he can't get his schoolwork done, then he clearly shouldn't have the leisure time to chill out and hang with friends. What does this look like? For starters, limit media during the week - take the video game controllers on Sunday night, and give him his phone only for an hour or two in the evening, after he has shown that his homework is done, he has studied for tests and has completed work on long-term projects. Set your wi-fi so that he doesn't know the password or can only access it at specific times.

Then on Friday, if all of his work is complete, he can have the game controllers back and make plans with his friends for the weekend. Outstanding work? No privileges until it's done. And when this gets chronic for us, there is no grace period - missing work means no socializing that weekend, even after he catches up.

It's exhausting and requires that you, your husband and his mom get on the same page as much as you can and keep each other in the loop, but if you crack down on this now, it may nip it in the bud. The son for whom I need to do this has ADHD and learning disabilities so that makes it harder for him to establish these good work habits so this has been dragging on intermittently for years here, but it's the only thing that works.

Don't leave him out of the trip.

In our house, bad grades means their phone is taken away until grades are improved (if they need help, they get it).

I would never exclude a child from a family getaway. Might as well just shun him and get it over with.

I wouldn't do that to a kid. I think it's bad and it also makes the mom look like a punishment rather than her getting her fun time with him as well. She is not a babysitter to watch him because his grades are bad and you want to take a weekend getaway. Sorry if that's harsh, but that's how I see it.

I'd keep the trip - maybe a weekend with the family will help him learn how to treat people and realize that doing well in school will afford him things like having his own cabin when he is an adult.

Hold him even tighter. He needs more positive in his life than negative. You have received alot of great advice here.

My parents are divorced. A lot of my disrespect,anger,sadness,depression,bad grades and acting out was simply due to having to yo yo between households and I never fit in at either of my parent's homes. I was so sad and angry inside.

Both of my parents had moved on and created new families...I was a constant visitor at my own parent's homes while step siblings got to stay...and remain in the house.

Please let him go with you to his most happy place. Please don't pull back on Boy Scout trips or activities. It is a program that teaches personal responsibility and respect. Sometimes hearing these lessons from someone other than mom or dad will sink in.

Please don't send him away while you go to his favorite place. He won't take it as a "lesson"...he will internalize it completely the opposite and become more angry and resentful. Instead he will think, here goes dad with his new family that I am not 100% a part of...not even 50% a part of....now only 49% a part of.

Include him in as much fun and loving times as possible. Tell him you love him. Hug him. Spend time alone with him enjoying what he likes to do. He doesn't need more lectures. He knows his grades are crappy...he knows your expectations. He is simply not caring about anything right now because he doesn't feel good about himself.

I would actually bring him with you and discuss his behavior on the trip. As a teenager, he's more likely to see you sending him to his mom's as you not caring than him being punished. He'll read your actions as you saying that he doesn't behave the way you want so you don't want him to be part of your family.

Kids don't think the way we do... getting to go on a family trip isn't a reward for good behavior to them. It's just something the family does. Your other kids aren't going to start misbehaving because you bring your 13 year old on the trip.

I do agree that kids shouldn't be rewarded for poor behavior. But that means don't buy him a new video game or allow him to do sleepovers with friends for a while. Give him a consequence that affects JUST HIM, not your entire family. And again, consequences should never be ones that tell a child you don't want them to spend time with their family.

Woah-- back up the truck. This is your stepson, right? And you are saying that he shouldn't go to the one place he likes best with your family?

And how, exactly, will that help him improve his behavior?
What does your husband think of your plan to punish his child?

I can tell you that if I were in your husband's situation, I'd be really upset that you are planning to exclude my kid from a family time because he 'doesn't deserve' it. Instead, I would likely bring the kid along, try to spend some time with him, give him some more mature chores to help with, and bring his homework. Give him a quiet space in the cabin to work in 'chunks' of time. Natural spaces are important and soothing, and this might actually be a good thing for the relationship. Excluding him will only exacerbate the attitude toward you and his father--he's going to feel very, very hurt, not 'disciplined'. The natural consequence is that he does get to go, but he does also need to study for part of that time. (So, maybe leave home any video games/'fun' electronic devices? his phone?)

I can tell you that as a kid, I would feel only more angry and hurt with the adults if they were to make a point of excluding me. It wouldn't motivate me to change my behavior-- it would only make me feel more terrible about myself. It would seem to me that everyone gets to go have fun but me because I'm no good--- and then.... well, you know what they say about kids living up to their parents expectations. ...

Just saw your SWH-- glad you had a change of heart!

I think he should go and you should use it as a learning experience as well.

My first thought.... if you send him away so he can't be with the rest of the family, you are sending a message that he is not good enough.

He needs embraced and to feel wanted and loved by his family despite the behavior you are working on .

Yikes, I do not like to ever exclude a family member for poor behavior. If anything you hold them closer.

He is at an age where there are a lot of changes going on in his body and brain. He is surrounded by people that can get through a school day, without as much effort as your son. ADHD is a lifelong deal.. and as his body changes, he will need to be reevaluated to make sure his medications and any therapies or counseling is still being reevaluated.

Teachers no loner are willing to tell him when he is behind, what he is missing etc.. But he is not going to be a "Typical" student unless he can learn and remember some techniques.

Tp give you an example. My husband (ADHD) has NO concept of time. It is just not a part of his mind. I can tell him a plan for a week from now and each time I remind him, it is almost as if he has No memory of the event, much less our conversation..

Guess what he does for a living? Yes, he is a planner and in charge of a multi million dollar dept for the city. And so he has figured out ways to keep up with all of this, but he gets home and he is worn out.. I HAVE to help him sometimes..

Please please find a way for your son to learn about his ADHD and ways that he can figure out how to keep up with things.. YES, you and all of his parents need to do this with him.. Let him come up with some solutions, but he will still need you all to check on him.

In our family a trip would be a way for us to spend time together and to reinforce how we are all part of a family. It would NOT be a reward for anything, but an opportunity for us to be together. I would not consider sending my child away when we went on a family trip. I think that would be telling him he is not part of our family. I think including him sends the message that you love him even when he is struggling through a tough part of growing up. A good message.

ETA: So happy to read your so what happened. Have fun :)

I highly recommend Parenting Teens with Love and Logic to support you in getting clear about effective forms of discipline rather than ineffective forms of punishment.

That would NOT be my consequence of choice.

Kids who are having problems need that bond with their families. Excising him from a family trip (that he would enjoy) seems like a bad idea to me.

JMO.

Unrelated to any punishment - as your son is getting older, the work he needs to do for classes will become more important. A 50/50 living arrangement can be difficult - there are different schedules & routines to each household.

It would probably be good to get together with your son, & his mom (stepdad?) & discuss what he needs & how best to make sure that this is made available for him.

For example, he may need more time to study, but dinner times are different between the two households, & so he cuts study time short to eat with the family. But if everyone says "4-6pm for study/homework" then he has a block of time to really focus, & the rest of the evening to be engaged with family.

Also, discuss as a combined family what the consequences will be for poor grades if they don't improve. This way, he is a part of the solution, & will not be surprised to have something taken away, or things changed if he doesn't meet expectations.

Good luck, & enjoy the trip with your entire family this weekend! T.

I would take him with us and he would be grounded while there. The other kids will see that he gets to go, but when they run outside to do something fun, they will see him being left behind. I think that sends the right message.

Sending him to mom's would be okay, only if you can count on her to implement your consequences. I mean, if he gets to go to mom's and then gets to have a fun weekend there, then there is really no consequence.

Mouthyness and disrespect need to be addressed in the moment. For teen boys, dad should really be the one addressing it.

I think dad, (but both need to be on board with any plan), need to tell him, the next time he is disrespectful, "The next time you are rude, you will not be going to that cabin this weekend." And then the next time he's rude, he goes to mom's for the weekend. This does not have to be the consequence, but whatever meaningful consequence you and your husband choose, needs to be enforced.

This rudeness really needs to be nipped in the B., and a strong father can nip it INSTANTLY. Dad needs to take a very stern tone, and tell him that his rudeness will no longer be tolerated. There will be no further discussion. If the kid argues, don't engage, just repeat.

Teenage rudeness is VERY EASY and quick to curtail, but you need often need a strong father to enforce it.

Dads who are afraid to make their little preciouses mad will end up with a pretty unpleasant kid. I'm thinking of a young man I know, who is essentially a good kid, but who is unbelievably rude at home, especially to his mother. Dad never addresses it, so the kid thinks his nastiness is warranted.

Get tough, mom and dad, you can change his attitude in a week.

Ditto to what JB and Momwithcamera say...