This is probably going to get long, but first I am new to Mamapedia, but hope you ladies have lots of great ideas for me!
I am a single mom of a 6 year old boy. It's hard trying to support us since it's just us, but I am doing and have been doing it his whole life. (I got divorced when he was a baby and his dad left and came back in the picture a year ago Probable work hours are hard to find to allow me to be a mommy and a provider. I was going to school to be a teacher and then I realized that I hated the profession and was only doing it to get the good work hours. (But I do have a whole new respect for teachers and how hard they work!) I have no interest in being a receptionist or something. (I hate computers for the most part).
Anyway, I do have my CNA, but it's hard to find a job that will work b/c of the shifts they work and the fact I don't have anyone close by to help me with my son. His dad lives an hour away and works nights/sleeps in the day. My mom is about 1 1/2 hours away. I do have a passion for caregiving and I feel that I am rather good at it.
I have a part time job during the week at a daycare from about noon to 5 which works well b/c my son can go to the after school program and I know he is in a good safe place. I'm hopeful to maybe take some classes in the mornings since I work in the afternoons. I'm not sure yet though as I just spent a lot of time studying teaching and I'm burned out. The income is not enough though and so I was just hired to be a weekend caregiver for a 90 year old woman. This means my son will have to spend Saturday/Sunday either with his dad or my mom. I love that he will be able to be with family so that I can work.
I still know that I will be feeling mommy guilt that I can't be with him on most weekends. I have to weigh my options though. I am grateful that this will allow me to be wtih my son in the evenings. I can help him with his homework. I can be there to tuck him in at night for at least 5 out of the 7 days of the week. I can be there to get him up in the mornings and get him ready for school.
Then there's the mommy guilt that I am spending so much time and energy care giving for others when I should be caring for my own son. I need to remind myself that I am working and making money so that my son can have a nice home and clothes etc. My care giving is about providing for us, not that I want to spend time with someone else obviously. It's just so hard to do it all alone and I feel like I have been alone forever. I'm trying so hard to find ways to be a provider and a mother.
You mamas who have care giving jobs or are single moms or are just a mom in general. How do you cope with missing your kids when you are gone? How do you cope with feeling like you are missing out or feeling that you are pushing them aside? How do you remind yourself that you are doing the best that you can and not feel guitly about it?
You gotta do, what you gotta do...and you are doing it FOR him and you!
I know it's hard and less than ideal but what other choice do you have?
Try to take comfort that he will be with family on the weekends, which is fantastic and love on him and 'be in the moment' when you are with him!
It's not easy being Mommy!
((BIg Hugs))
With a stiff upper lip and grace...and be 100% present whenever you can.
Wow, from your headline I was expecting a different story, maybe this can put what I was expecting into perspective. I expected to read that your child was missing, taken from you and it has been a few months now and you had to return to work as any form of leave during this tragedy was up. I was expecting to read how you needed to figure out how to focus and return to work while coping with and dealing with the loss of that child to some person who stole them.
Now, regarding being at work and missing your child you are going to have to learn how to put things in boxes and store those boxes when needed. When I worked I enjoyed the time away from home and my son and relished in the adult time. My suggestion to you is to find something you absolutely love about your job and focus on that. You can always remember that someone is actually trying to do the above paragraph.
B., I know others will disagree with me, but truly, I just think that you need to study for a career where you will make money. You have to work the same hours for less pay in your CNA job than you would have with teaching. Teaching is really hard the first two years or so, but then you have your lesson plans set and know what you're doing. Could you see your way through to possibly reconsidering? You and your son's future would be easier for it. You could possibly move out of the classroom, given time, and work in admin if you get to know the right people. You could be a reading specialist, which is more of a pullout program, or studying ESL which has fewer children in your class.
You could also start working in a private or parochial school to get your bearings (less money) and then move into a better paying school district.
Working with children is certainly not the same as caregiver work, though it is related, but if you major in early education, the kinder kids aren't SO different than the pre-schoolers you're working with.
I know this isn't an answer to your question and my remarks may not be welcome. And I know that you've seen a part of teaching that you don't enjoy - indeed, it's not for everyone. But it seems to me that a part of the caregiving that you desire and lower ages like the preschoolers that you don't seem to mind, or pull-out programs like reading specialist or ESL might "get around" the aspects that you don't enjoy.
You also seem to be burned out already by studying for work that pays a lot less than teaching, and doesn't have good benefits either. You and your son need good benefits (as well as a better schedule.)
I know it's hard to think along these lines when it isn't what you want. But if you could do it, it would be easier in the longrun for you. My mom did it with 3 little kids when she was in her 30's. It was SO hard, but she kept her eye on the prize for what her family needed. She taught kinder and first grade for 25 years so she had good medical benefits and a decent retirement. She's never been sorry.
Good luck in your decision.
Dawn
When you are off don't try to have girl time with your pals--make it all mommy time. Put an item that smells liek him in a plastic bag in your purse. Put a pic of him in your wallet. I feel your pain.
I'm so sorry you will be missing your son while you work but during those
moments try telling yourself:
1) that you have to do it out of necessity
2) It's only temporary
3) You need the money to support both of you
I know you say you would hate to be a receptionist but are you sure you
wouldn't want to try it? The hours are great for being home with your
child after school while primarily working when they are not home.
Try looking into other jobs that are 8-5 caregiving. What about at a
convelescent hospital? Elder daycare? Elder living?
If you have to keep this weekend job, remember you are doing it for the
livelihood of your and your child.
Write a short list of 3-5 reasons of why you are working this job. Keep it in
your pocket so when you're feeling blue from missing him you can pull it
out as a reminder as to the reason you are working (to provide for you
and your son).
When times get tough, call on your support system (calling family & friends to lift you up) to remind you that you are a working mom because you have to be and because you want the best for your son.
When you are home, spend that time w/your child. Leaving laundry & housework for later or when he is asleep. While everyone wants an immaculate home, the best home is a loving home.
As a child growing up I don't remember my mom cleaning a lot but I know she did because our house was always cleaning. I DO REMEMBER her setting up tea parties for us kids, taking us to swim lessons, to parks etc.
I had to go back to work soon as my maternity leave was up (12 weeks).
It was hard.
But at the same time our son really enjoyed daycare.
He had other toys and kids to play with and the center was right across the street from the fire station and he really loved watching the fire trucks.
I got to talk to adults during my day at the office and I feel it made me a more patient Mom when we were home.
We had the money to spoil him and get a good start on saving for his college.
The best you can do is spend quality time with him when you do have him around. Your touch and constant connection will give him the sense of security he needs to cope when you are gone and help youn feel like you connected when you work. It's not about quantity as it is about quality. Spend time listening when he talks about his day, cook/eat together, watch tv together, anything to have bonding time. Don't buy things to compensate, just be there!
I remind myself that while they don't understand it right now, they are also learning what it means to be responsible, work for a living, and that life means making choices between what we need (a job) and what we want (to be at home with the people we love all of the time). When the opportunity comes up, we talk about it. I have one boy who is 14, so we can talk more in depth about what it is like and one who is only 7 so we discuss it in a more age appropriate way. They both seem to understand that I work because we need Mommy to work and that if I didn't our lives would be a lot different and we would have a lot less... Hope that helps!!
