D3 kids...MIL Lifeees 10 Min away...NEVER Visits and RARELY Calls...

Wow, it sounds like you are describing my MIL--Except mine lives 1 minute away! She is just too busy to spend time with my kids, I am learning that I just need to accept it. The worst part about my situation is that my MIL talks a big talk about how much she loves my kids and how special they are in her live etc etc. But her actions don't support her words. UGGH! I also understand that my MIL and FIL can't handle more than one little kid at a time and they have their 8 year old nephew and their daughter living in their house. So I think the time they spend with the nephew uses up their patience reserve! You can always find a grandmother substitute--There is lots of women out there that don't have grandkids that would love to spoil some kids!

Let it go! She is not interested. You cannot force her, sadly. I have had a similar situation. I just had to let it be. You cannot force people to be who they are not. Move on and focus on those who CAN give you support! Good LUCK!

Start by changing your expectations of what a MIL and grandmother "should" be. This one isn't.

Is it ever possible to force someone to have a relationship with you? Do you want her showing up at your house out of guilt or obligation? Is this worth arguing with your husband about?

Stop with the "countless" invitations. Invite her over for a meal or celebration a couple of times a year. Acknowledge her on birthdays and holidays. Let her take the initiative, if she decides to, to build a relationship with you and your children.

Move on and live your life. Families come in all configurations.

You cannot control other people or make them do what you want. You can only control yourself and your actions/reactions.

I think you really need to lower your expectations with her and stop being jealous of the others in the family that get more of her attention. For whatever reason, your MIL has chosen to act this way and I think the easiest thing for you to do is accept it.

Apologize to your husband for arguing with him about his mother. He can't control her or make her do things any more than you can. Stop making this an issue.

I still think you should keep issuing invitations to her, but always make your husband call. He should call her once a week anyway. You don't say whether she says no to you all, you imply that she doesn't reciprocate. Yes, that is hurtful, but if inviting her over is the only way the kids will see her, then that is what you should do.

That's what we do with my husband's mom and dad. My MIL is not the warmest person in the world to me either - she's passive/aggressive. I won't go into the dirty details, but I decided many years ago that I wasn't going to stress about it. That I figured it was her loss. Now that our kids are older, she wonders why they don't want to spend time with her or talk to her. Well, you reap what you sow, lady!

So, no, don't say anything to her. Change your attitude and expectations. Maybe she'll come around or maybe she won't, and that's okay.

You wrote: "Cooking for guests and 2 kids and dealing with a baby, not easy but I believe family is important."

Now read this imaginary post: "Cooking and cleaning for an adult and a teenager, while also holding down a full-time job, is not easy, but I believe family is important."

Get the idea? She is not a retired grandma available to spend her time as she chooses. She's got a lot going on, but you seem to think that her load is somehow second place to your own load with three young kids. Please try to take a deep breath and look at things from her perspective rather than just your own. As someone else who posted noted -- your expectations for her seem very high.

She may be one of those grandparents who is just not up for, or good at, dealing with younger kids. It does happen and it does NOT make her a bad person. There's also the element of what her relationship with your husband is, as someone else noted, and you need to know that their relationship may be affecting how she feels about time with your whole family. She also surely is aware of your animosity toward her and the angerier you are, even if you think you are not showing it, the less comfortable she would feel seeing you.

I know you're new to the site so I suggest you do a search on past posts about MILs and you will find that this is not unusual and she is not a freak -- many grandparents get blasted here for "not doing enough with my multiple small kids" when maybe the grandparents are just not into small kids but do fine with older ones -- clearly your MIL does fine with a teen and an (occasional) eight-year-old. I get that. I know parents, not just grandparents, who are not terrific or comfortable during the preschool and below years but who do much better and are more attentive once kids are old enough to hold a real conversation and amuse themselves for more than a few minutes at a time. Can you step outside your anger and maybe try to see that some adults just are like that and it does not make them mean or bad humans?

Consider it from her perspective: She may feel that three young kids at once would overwhelm her; after all, she has a job and that means -- just like any working person -- she needs some down time AND time to care for her home AND time to care for, at least somewhat, the people living with her. Wouldn't you need all those things? Also, the older generation sometimes feels that they, the grandparents, may be "in the way" or "violating your privacy" if they try to see the grandkids, or that they will say or do something that the younger parents won't like. Is it possible that she is a person who might feel that she is interfering if she asks to see the kids?

Some ideas if you are able to get past your anger and try them:

Do you issue mostly general invitations to holidays? Holidays are often stressful and her adult son and teen granddaughter may have their own expectations that she will spend those days with THEM at their home. She may have conflicts you have not considered. Those weekend days when you assume she could be seeing your kids, is it possible she is doing something at home she can't do during the week because she works? Is it possible she sees the eight-year-old because it's less effort than seeing three kids at once? Do you ever try just offering to take one child over, not all three, or to have her come play with just one child while you do something with the other two?

Try inviting her when it is not a holiday and rather than inviting her for a meal or just a general "come over and visit," ask her to a specific event outside your home that your family is attending, with clear starting and ending times. For instance: "We are taking the kids to the town festival for an hour starting at 10 and then having an early lunch. You could watch the kids play games and ride rides for an hour and then we will eat at Y. We can pick you up and we'd drop you back off at your house at 12:30." She may be more comfortable if she is not expected to host or to be a guest hanging out. She may be more comfortable saying yes if she she is not expected to come up with occupation for the kids or to occupy them even at their own house.

If your kids have activities, invite her to those. "Oldest Child has a dance recital (or soccer game, or preschool singing concert) on Date X at 11 a.m. It lasts about 30 minutes. We would love to have you there to see Child perform. When it's over, if you want to come by the house for cake/a coffee shop for treats/whatever, that would be great if you'd like to join us afterward, but please do come see Child dance/play/sing."

Be specific, keep the invitations limited to set times and places, be enthusiastic about her presence. I know grandparents who dont' really "do" little kids in a general "free play with the grandkids" sense, but who are very happy to attend grandchildren's events or go to specific outings.

If you cut her off now, it will be difficult to repair later. Model tolerance and second (and third, and fourth) chances for your own children and issue her invitations. Be sure your husband does most of the inviting, too, and yes, he can talk to her IF he can do it without anger and accusations, which sounds like it might not be the case. He might be surprised to find how much pressure she feels to work AND be a grandma.

One thing about this site is perspective. Please be aware that you are lucky to have a grandparent in the picture at all. My parents are both dead and my husband's parents are elderly, infirm and thousands of miles away overseas. I would take an infrequently visiting grandparent any time over those circumstances. Many folks here would.

When you rely on the actions of other people for your happiness, you will always be disappointed.

I have no idea why your MIL chooses to keep her distance, but this is the relationship you have, and there is no point in getting worked up over it. Calling her out will have no positive effect. It might just reinforce her decision to (seemingly) avoid you.

Family is important, but not to the same level to all people. My husband got called out by a cousin a few months ago, for not making an effort to spend time with him. This cousin places a lot of value on being in touch with extended family. We're good with seeing cousins are weddings and family reunions. To the cousin, that makes us horrible people. Getting griped at and called names definitely did not make us want to spend time with him.

If you want to try to talk to your MIL, you must do so calmly and without accusation and judgement. "MIL, I wish we could spend more time together. I'd like to be closer." Either she will agree and make a suggestion, or she will brush it off and you'll know that it isn't going to happen.

Welcome to mamapedia! I hope we can help you with this mystery.

Is it possible she is better with children that are older?

How was she with you before you and your husband had children? Did you all see her often and get together with her more at that point?

Is it possible she is exhausted from working full time and having to cook and clean for her grown son and teenage granddaughter?

Maybe she is a bit depressed since she has no privacy. At this point n her life, she should be an empty nester getting ready for retirement in about 8 years. Depression saps a persons energy.

This is really your husbands job to speak with his mother. He can mention he is concerned she is upset with all of you because she never seems available for visits or get togethers. He needs to ask is there avproblem. he can mention he was hoping she and the children would have more opportunities to spend time together, getting to know each other.

Coming from you may not work if the 2 of you have never been close, so tread lightly.

I also have mil issues. My husband and I have been married over 30 years and she has always favored her daughter over my husband. And certainly has never been fond of me. What finally broke the camels back was once we had our daughter and then SIL had her children, the indifference towards our child was not to be tolerated.

She also lives 15 to 20 min from all of us and yet she was always available to the grandsons.

My husband went with her to her therapist. She told the therapist " moms are always closer to their daughters families". The therapist said, "no that s not true, most mothers may have favorites, but they would never tell their children, this is your choice."

Long story short, it never got better, when our amazing daughter was graduating from HS, the MIL and SIL told me they would not be attending, because I never ncluded them or kept them informed about our daughter. ! I am known for my emails and communication skills, heck I was PTA Pres. At 2 of our daughters schools, and always selected to chair things... Because, I am totally on top of communications. I actually emailed them each over 100 sent emails, just from our daughters last 2 years of high school activities awards, events..etc.showing them they were always included in the email addresses.

Anyway, I came to the realization, I did not need that in my life. I encourage my husband and daughter to go and visit, to call etc.. But I am done with that stuff.

If your husband has really tried to speak with his mother and nothing has changed, you will need to come to peace with it. It is truly her loss. We cannot force people to do the right thing.

I am sending you strength.

Sounds to me like she likes older children. I love kids but when someone has 2-3 right in a row ... it's usually CRAZY when they are over. Very few people are strict parents anymore so when there is a gaggle of little ones ....they usually run the show! To each their own w/ that.

I do think she is missing out, but don't let it get you down. I'd keep inviting her over for the major holidays, stop fighting w/ your hubby and YOU start taking pictures!

To be honest I've never once heard of anyone who was upset that an inlaw hadn't taken any pictures of her children..... that's just looking for things to get mad about. Now if she had tons of pictures of the other grand children DISPLAYED (and none of yours) and your children were at an age where they ere old enough to notice, then I could see being upset... and I would recommend just taking pictures yourself, picking out frames that complement her home and giving her photos as gifts!

Good luck!

I don't understand exactly what you are getting at but I see a bit of jealousy against the time she spends with other family members kids. You have three young children that can suck the life out of older people, if you need the help ask. If you feel that she wants to be included in your family and doesn't choose to then you might be mistaken.

it's crazy with 3 kids I know I have a 7,5 and 2 year old...my in-laws are just now doing things with us more that life has calmed down a bit!

It may be a relationship issue between her and your hubby/her son. It may be that she's just not good with littler ones - the kids that are with her are older. You have 3 very small ones. Some grandparents just don't get into it till the kids are bigger. Try not to take it personally. If you want to keep inviting, do so, but the only thing you can control is YOUR reaction to the situation. Feel pity for her that she's missing out, and move on. If family is important to you, stop putting this issue up as a reason to fight with your husband. Your MIL will have natural consequences when her grandkids don't care about spending time with her as they get older. And maybe when they get older, she'll relax into it and be more involved.

I agree with Laurie that it might be that she is not good with young children. My paternal grandmother was NEVER good with babies or toddlers, or even pre-schoolers. But, once my sister and I were about 8 years old she started inviting us over and having girl time. She NEVER had my little brothers over to her place--really, even as a kid we could see what when she was with all of us, the stress of the little kids showed all over her face.

Maybe you can test the waters by leaving your youngest kids with a sitter, and inviting Grandma out with you and your oldest daughter for lunch.

Stary, what you do is tell your husband that if he wants her and her 40 year old son and teen daughter to be cooked for, he can invite them over and cook for them himself.

Why haven't you asked her why your family never gets an invitation to cookouts? You should ask her point blank and either make her feel uncomfortable, or make her realize how unfair she is being. You should tell her that the kids hardly know her. Does she really like the fact that she has grandkids she acts like she hardly cares about?

Quite frankly, what is going to happen is that by the time they get "interesting" enough for her, she will have blown her chance for her to continue to be interesting to them, and they won't want anything to do with her. By then, she'll be old enough that she'd like them to visit, and they won't want to.

That's what happens when family members diss children. And sometimes it pisses the parents of the dissed children off so much that they treat their kids this way, that like you, they are just done and won't bother to "make" the kids have anything to do with them.

Dawn

Did you have a good relationship with her while you and your husband were dating?
My guess is that the two of you never clicked for some reason.
She sounds like she favors her 40 yr old son a little bit more than she does your husband and he grew up like that so it doesnt really affect him one way or the other.
Are you close to your SIL who has the 8 yr old that gets visits? Talk to your SIL maybe she can tell you what's wrong with your MIL.
Maybe she doesnt like "little" kids much and the relationship will change when the kids are older and less needy?
Maybe MIL is afraid you will ask her to babysit and she isn't into it.
You should probably just sit down with her over coffee one morning and tell her how you feel... in a nice way of course .... not accusatory or whiny.

Quit trying, and quit taking it personal.

Live you lives and if she wants to be a part of it, she knows where you are at and can take the initiative. How you would handle you parents is not how your husband handles his mom. Just because that is what you would do does not mean that he has to.

Be thankful you don't have to deal with MIL. I totally wish I didn't have to deal with mine.

Its up to your husband to say something, its his mom. So stop inviting her over to your house. Stop including her in dinners and Holidays. If she is not interested now in your babies she most likely wont ever be. My MIL never took any interest in my kids so I treated her the same. I always feel that you get what you give. I have stopped catering and trying to make someone interested in my kids. My time is spent with people who love and want to make an effort.

I'm sorry that you feel hurt. I would hate it if someone just stopped by. No, you should not say something to her.
Your MIL, who I am guessing is in her 60's, works full time, has a teenaged kid living with her, can spend her free time as she wishes. Perhaps such young children are not her thing - some people appreciate kids more when they're older. Perhaps she doesn't have the energy that preschoolers and a baby take. Perhaps she's afraid that you're expecting her to babysit. Maybe she doesn't invite your kids over because her home is not kiddie proofed.
Stop arguing with the husband over this. This is not in his control. Sure it would be nice for a local grandma to see the grandkids regularly, but you don't get to decide her relationship with them, how often she takes their picture or whatever. She has her reasons and not all grandparents have the grandkids as a top priority for their free time. Does she come when you invite her over for holidays and family birthdays? If so, keep inviting her! If she doesn't come, then don't bother.

Someone else posted about this and I will reply the same. My ex-inlaws were the same. My and my ex's kids are their ONLY grandkids. It took them MONTHS to see my son after he was born, and they lived 20 min away. The kids are 12 and 9 now and they have NEVER called to just chat with them. They only see them on major holidays and bdays. Now that we are divorced, their dad lives literally 3 minutes from them and they STILL rarely see the kids. Its so sad. And now they are old enough to just know that that's how their grandparents are. I think they just don't "like' kids. They were not even great parents to their own kids. So no, I would not say anything to them. I would just invite them to the major holidays and kids bdays and that's it. If they show up, great, if not, no big deal. When she shows up, make sure YOU gets pics with her and the kids so at least there are some of them together. Otherwise, there is really not much you can do. Just accept that she has issues, don't take it personally and move on. Good luck!

It sounds like your MIL is just not that into you, your husband or your kids.
I don't know why, but it's her loss.
There's no point in confronting her.
Send her a Christmas card with a picture of the kids or a family photo once a year and leave it at that.
She knows where you are.
Don't try so hard, let her come to you and don't hold your breath.
She may never come around.

It sounds like you may be hard to please, that you have certain expectations that she is not living up to. (hard to know from just one short post, but think about it) Maybe you are comparing her to your mom who is great with young kids? Three young children can be MUCH more difficult than one 8 yr old or one teen. You're comparing apples to oranges. You complain she never took a picture of your baby as if that's a major thing and I was surprised. MY MIL does not take pictures of her grandchildren, we GIVE her pictures and she displays them. Unless you are trying to say she is constantly snapping photos of the 8 yr old and teen.?
My friend had three children, not close in age like yours, and her parents would take them one at a time for outings. Tell your MIL that your 4 yr old would love to come over and spend time with Gmom alone or with the 8 yr old and see how she responds. Cont. to let her know its ok to take just one grandchild at a time, and if she isnt ready for a three yr old that it's ok to just take the 4 yr old until son gets older.

you don't know what's going with her. no clue whether or not she has 'more of a life' than you. so if you invite her over for dinner and holidays and she doesn't come, you're not out anything, are you?
it's a shame, and i understand you're feeling piqued. but what is there to 'end'? if she always declines your invitations, all you're going to do is match her refusal to engage.
of course your DH isn't going to call her out. she's his MOM. why put him in that position?
i would work on being less attached to HER actions. the only thing you can control is yourself. and whom would it benefit for you to shut down and be snotty to her? you? your kids? your husband? do you think you're going to 'teach her a lesson'?
your actions thus far (other than trying to drag your husband in) have been admirable. keep inviting her. stop judging her reasons for declining. if she doesn't come, enjoy yourself, and invite her again next time. the only thing to be gained by cutting her out is to increase the level of negativity.
khairete
S.

If you've talked to your husband and he can't talk to his mom and won't give you a good reason why she is like this then you have 3 options:
1. Let things continue as they are now...can you handle that?
2. Forget about her...may be the easiest for all concerned, she can call you when she wants to and maybe then she will miss you.
3. Ask her out to coffee and talk to her....don't be accusatory or confrontational, but do be honest and forthright. Ask her if there is something going on that you don't know about. Is there a reason why she is withdrawn from you? Does she prefer older kids and not toddler/babies? Have you offended her? Is she uncomfortable around you for some reason? Tell her you feel hurt and that your kids are neglected. Give her a chance to talk to you and have a real heart to heart. I don't know how well it will work, but it is an option.

I would try the third one if it were me, but it depends on how confrontational you are and if you are ready to have her be uncomfortable around you if it doesn't work out. I know what its like to have a mil that is not super social around you and spends a lot of time with the other son and his kids. Luckily, I can accept it for what it is and move on. Like you, I lean on my family instead of his. You are not alone!

I don't think that calling her out will do any good. It will put her on the defensive, and you may end up hearing something in her explanation that you don't want to hear that offends you. She is how she is. This is the MIL that you have and, as someone else said, she may not be a "baby person." That's not to defend her but maybe try to understand her.

Part of it could be the examples she had for grandparents. She could very well be living up to how she believes a grandmother ought to be. What I'd do, rather than try to make her change, is change your expectations of her. Lower your expectations and don't put your husband in the middle of this. It's not fair to pit him against his mother. He loves you, he loves her, and he knows how she can be. It probably kills him to fight about her.

If you want to try to fix things here, I might try an approach like this the next time you see her:

"It's so good to see you, Beverly. I know we probably don't tell you that enough. We enjoy our visits with you and wish we could see you more often. Do you have any ideas how we could work on that?"

I grew up without grandparents and am fine so I guess I don't worry about it for my kids much. I'd like them to know my parents bc I love my parents. But my MIL? That's up to her and my husband... We don't live near each other so different situation but in general, I really think it's a grandparents loss to not be close to their grandchild. After age 13 or so, I'd think only grandparents who formed a close bond are going to be of interest to the child. Otherwise the grandparent will be a boring old person or adult to the kid. And I think it'll be the grandparent who will crave the relationship more then. So if my mil was too short sighted to realize this, it wouldn't bother me. Your kids are fine and sounds like your parents are attentive. So let it go. I wouldn't be angry but make no more effort. I have friends who were attentive to one set of their grandparents in old age while nt doing much for the other bc that set wasn't attentive to them when they were kids. I bet that set was sorry...

I do not see why you are allowing it to bother you - stop trying and move on. Some people only do well with things that are right in front of them and I mean LITERALLY right infront of them (live in children) and everything else goes to the wayside. Maybe she actually has enough going on in her home as it is that she does not want to add to it - no matter what "calling her out" on it will not make things any better. Just stop putting fourth the effort - if your husband wants to see his mom HE can call her.

You can't change people like that, and it sounds like your husband knows it. I agree it's frustrating and it sounds like you feel she plays favorites. Stop all the invitations but be sure the kids make her a birthday card and a Mother's Day card. Send a picture now and then or email things. Expect nothing in return and then you will not be disappointed. You have to try not to take it personally - she's ignoring her own son and that's her loss. Maybe she thinks the BIL and his daughter need her more, maybe she's more comfortable with them, maybe she's more overwhelmed than you think. Maybe she just can't handle so many little kids. In any case, stop punishing yourself but getting so angry. It's her shortcoming, it's her limitation. Give up the idea, tempting as it is, to confront her - it won't help, and it will make you the "bad guy" in her eyes. Just back off the invitations and if she ever says anything, just say very kindly that it seemed to put pressure on her since she's so busy, and you didn't want to do that. Or let your husband handle it.

If you invite her over (or anyone else), you are obligated to provide 100% of the food - while some relatives and good friends may choose to help out and split up the chores, it's not improper if people just accept an invitation and don't bring things.

Wow, that's hard. It must feel like she simply doesn't care about you and your kids, and it's really hard not to take that personally.

Do you think there is some reason she feels that the 8 year old really needs her? Is she living with a single parent or something?

It would be really nice if she would simple recognize that she has 5 grandchildren and that they all deserve her love and attention. But for some reason, she has decided that the other two need her attention more.

I'm really not sure what good can come from confronting her about this. If you're really hoping for positive results, I think your best bet is to try a positive approach. You husband could try saying, "Hey mom, the kids would really love to spend some time with you, and it would mean a lot to me if you could get to know them better. Is there a time I could bring them over?"

Also, as exhausting as it is, I think inviting her over is just so important. You are doing such a wonderful thing for your kids Maybe you could focus on really easy meal for her visits? At least try to take comfort in the fact that you are giving your kids opportunities to get to know their grandma. That's a special relationship, and they will treasure that always.

My MIL lives 2 hours away, and her daughter, SIL and 3 kids live there as well. She has a tendency to just do her thing and expect us to visit her all the time. My husband complains because he feels like his mom loves the other kids more. She doesn't love our kids less. She's just gotten used to having everyone come to see her. It's hard for her to step out of her world and realize that it's really tough for us to visit often and it would help a lot if she would come here.

We try really hard to just be happy and excited for the kids every time they are able to see her or do something with her. It's not always fair, and when my husband and I notice something, we might talk about it just between the two of us, but we make sure we never show that to the kids. We just want them to see the grandmother that loves them.

It's not fair, and it's probably never going to be fair. Rather than being upset or trying to have expectations or comparing what your kids get to what other kids get, try to really appreciate what they do get and enjoy that with them. I think you'll be much happier.

Have you ever tried just talking to her about it? Hey mom, I feel hurt that we don't seem to be included many of the family get togethers, is there a reason for that? Is there something I did or said, or do I offend you in some way?
Just be honest.
And if she gets defensive or doesn't want to get into it with you then just drop it and let it go. You can't force relationships, and not all grandparents are loving and involved. Just focus on your own kids and family and know that if she chooses not to have a relationship with you and your kids then that's HER loss, not yours.
And don't let this be an issue in your marriage. Your husband can't change his mother any more than you can. It's not worth arguing about.

Sister I hear you~ I've been dealing with this for the last 8 years. After many years of having hurt feelings I finally realized that other people's idea of family and mine do not always match. My MIL is not as close geographically as yours... she lives a couple of hours away, but has never babysat my kids has been to our house a half dozen times,(excluding holidays which we occasionally have here when everyone comes.) She does not work.

When the kids were babies she made comments like "They'll be so much more fun when they get older and can interact." Now (ay 7 and 8) they try to talk to her and she responds with obligatory, "oh that's nice mmhmm" and is dismissive.

I 've realized that you can not control what people do think or say, but also that I don't have to be involved with people who treat me or my kids this way. It makes me crazy to spend more than a couple of hours with them. Ours are the only kids on my husband's side, and the result is that they have no concept of what the needs of kids' are in terms of mealtime, schedules, activity level etc...

My feeling about my MIL is that she doesn't really like the activity level of my kids. They aren't hyper or anything, just normal kids who have energy and like to have fun... but she's an anxious person and it makes her nervous to be around them. She recently wanted them to go outside to eat jello cupcakes because she was afraid they'd make a mess and stain something. They are 7 and 8 for cry-eye not 2. I roll my eyes and focus my attention on my kids.

Soooo, yes. Lower your expectations or go insane expecting behavior from her that will never happen. Family is important to you, and I hear that, but you can't force people to be involved if they don't want to, and I doubt that anything that you or your husband says will change her actions. Your say that you've tried to "give her an opportunity in my kid's lives, but if she wanted to be she would be without so much urging.

In terms of fighting with your husband, my advice is don't. I used to get upset and vent to mine too and one day he told me " it's its the way she is..." and I realize that was true. he wanted her to be more too, but knew she never would be and it made him upset when I was upset about it, because he's a "fixer" and couldn't do anything about it.

Build the relationship with your Mom with them and let your Mil do her thing. She's the one missing out.

Good luck!

If she doesn't see your family as worthy enough of her time why would you even want to hang out with someone who wants nothing to do with you?

let it go! obviously shes not interested in your lil family there.dont invite,dont call,dont make anymore effort,ive found the best way to deal with rude ppl is just to simply ignore them n live your life,thats the best payback.your kids have one grama that loves them,let them enjoy that..no stress,tension or friction.dont let her destroy your family!!..you dont need ppl like that in your life-live,love n be happy...HER LOSS!!....and from here on out when whoever is telling you about these cookouts etc.say your really not interested..change subject to what you did with your family n friends etc.

First thing: stop fighting with your husband. It's not his fault. I know you are frustrated, but don't take it all out on him. That's not fair.

You obviously care more about this than he does. Maybe you "expect" more help and maybe she can sense this and knows she can't give it at this time. Maybe that's why she's backed off (big time). Maybe she doesn't like little kids. t don't know. I'm not saying this to hurt or insult you, I'm just trying to think of why it could be happening.

With her son and his daughter living with them, I'd imagine that's frustrating enough for her. And puts plenty on her plate.

Or maybe she's not a baby person. Maybe she's not a people person and can only take so much people time and needs down (alone) time. She works and then has to deal with her sons. Maybe she has no more to give your family. Not her fault. Maybe she's not a pull-up her sleeves and pitch in type of person. I am. If you were my DIL, you couldn't keep me away, though I'm sure someone online somewhere is complaining of a MIL who calls and visits all the time. LOL

"Should I say something to her?...advice PLEASE THANK YOU!!!"

At this point, I would: Are we OK? Have I offended you in any way? I'm hurt you live so close and never bother to visit or call and I find that strange. You always invite your son and his daughter for dinner, but never us. Why?

Put the ball in her court and let her own her own answer. Don't make your husband fight or argue with her. And I am not suggesting you fight and argue with her either. Just ask her, as calmly as you can.

Listen to her answer (maybe she'll be diplomatic and not tell the entire truth) and accept it.

There is a book I'm reading right now called (forgive the dramatic title)
THE BAIT OF SATAN: LIVING FREE OF THE DEADLY TRAP OF OFFENSE
http://www.amazon.com/Bait-Satan-Anniversary-Devotional-S...

It's really awesome. Yes, it's Christian (lots of biblical references) but the reviews are noteworthy.

Wow, this is a sad situation. But you are boiling over with sadness and anger and I'm guessing MIL knows it and just doesn't want to deal. I don't know. I think you have to accept it and let it go. You might also be making this worse for yourself by telling yourself stories (she hates my baby, my kids, my family, she never takes photos, never invites us, etc...)

I am SURE your husband is right about the excuses he makes for her. Her life does sound very busy. Full time job and her dealing with her other 2 sons. Maybe she thinks your mom can take care of you and she needs to focus on her sons and their kids.

You might need to find a counselor to talk about it with. Fighting with your husband, who might share those fights with his siblings, and then it gets back to your MIL, won't help at all.

You can call into the New Life Radio program for advice. I really like this show.
http://newlife.com/