Dating Advice for Mom of 16 Year Old Girl

Hi L.:
Well, I've had alot of experience in this department. lol Not because I have daughters, because I have two sons.However....My four sisters and I about drove my daddy insane....trying to keep tabs on each of us when we started dating!! ....The truth is....I could write a pretty funny book about the experiences. Daddy was extremely strict,and I suppose,all of us girls understood to a point as to why.Mom and dad had enough to handle,with ( Seven) I would imagine the mere thought of one of us coming to him with the news of a pregancy,would have quite literally sent him over the edge! When my sisters and I speak of those days now, we find it hysterical,and laugh about it,but back then, we found very little humor in it! Incidents,such as opening the front door,at the exact moment my date was giving me a goodnight kiss. We took the alternative,kissing goodnight parked in front of the house,only to have the garage light flicked on and off like a beacon!!!Once, upon meeting a new boyfriend,daddy took out his rifle,and proceeded to tell my date what an excellent shot he was.lmao!! Anyway you get the idea.After years of torment,my sisters and I learned a few tactics and learned how to get around some of daddys strict rules.One thing we couldn't get around,was The time we had to be home from a date.He had to meet the guy. Not just because he wanted to see what type of charactor I was dating, but so he could make himself (crystal clear) about the time he expected him to get me home!! He wouldn't nag, but simply would say. I expect her home at 12 on the dot! I knew what the consequences were. The following weekend I'd be sitting watching tv with dad! ewwww. Frankly,we girls had no problem with a curfew. The problem we had ,was telling him exactly where we were going.If we told him we were going to a movie,then he say" ok, the movie is 2 hours" "It takes you 15 mintes to get home" I'll give you an extra 15 in case.Be home at 8:30 on the dot!! 8:30 ???? I thought...It's not even worth going! What if we wanted to stop and eat, and just talk. I mean you can't really get to know someone,when your watching a movie,or swaping spit!! lol.Anyway,my sisters and I had to become more creative. We'd tell him we were going to the drag races and dinner,or anything that would take more than an hour or two,just so we could be out a little later. Daddy would ask how the races were,and I'd tell him FAST! Little did he know,I meant my dates hands!! lol. All kidding aside L..If you've taught your daughter well. If you have an open relationship with her and she doesn't do anything to cause you to question her honesty,or integrety,then don't second guess her ability to make the right decisions.She will be 17 soon,and a year after she will be old enough to move out on her own. I think I would insist on a mutual curfew,and let her know,that you set that,merely to set your mind at ease. You want to know your daughter will return home safely.If she doesn't use good judgement,and leaves you to fret,without contacting you,then i'd share the consequences with her.I would allow her to go out alone with a date. There will probably be times,they meet up with others and make it a group date,but at 17 Shes mature enough to date alone.I wish you and your mature daughter the best.

My daughter is 17 and she has to be home by 11 on weekends and usually isn't allowed out during the week except if there is a set plan. She is a Sr. in high school and although she oftens complains she is the only one with a curfew I know she knows it is for her best. I always allow the boys at our home and they are not allowed in bedrooms without the door open. I always have to talk to his parents to make sure they are home if she goes to her dates home. Also, set a code with her so if she ever feels uncomfortable she can blame you for having to go home. I always take the blame for not letting her do anything she doesn't want to do. Good luck it is really hard being a good mom.

It is a big step for everyone. I have 4 kids 2 boys (22 & 16) and 2 girls(23 & 17). So I have been on both sides. Our rule is no one of the oppsite sex goes into their bedrooms, they are in the living room where there is not privacy. I also don't allow the younger ones to go our 1 on 1, my oldest is 23 and engaged and they still do not hang out in her bedroom and have no privacy. They also are waiting for marriage and this rule assists them in waiting and making their wedding and marriage more sacred and special.

I know this is totally old fashioned, especially in today's society, but it gives my husband and I peace of mind, we meet whoever is the the important one at the moment and it helps them with boundries and we as the parents are the bad guys for setting rules and it worked so well my daughters now fiance came and asked for permission to marry our daughter. I know that he respects her and will be a good husband because he is in it for the long haul.

We get grief from the younger ones that we are too strick, but the older one appreciates the rule.

Remember you are not a parent to be popular. Hardest part of parenting. Results are worth it.

Good luck
L.

L.,

Here are some links/articles about teenage dating

Helpful tips to Help Parents with their dating teenager
http://parentingmyteen.com/2008/helpful-tips-to-help-pare...

http://www.troubledwith.com/ParentingTeens/A000001051.cfm...

http://parentingteens.about.com/od/teenculture/a/teen_dat...

http://ezinearticles.com/?Teenagers-and-Dating--What-Pare...

I hope these articles and links will help you. Let me know how it goes.

Rochelle

If I didn't know better I would have thought that I wrote this. My name is L. and my middle initial is "F". BUT, I didn't write it. I do have a daughter who just turned 17 last week and her boyfriend of 6 months just turned 18. We talk to her often. We tell her what we expect. She knows that I am a bit more relaxed than her Dad is. But, she still has to respect us in our home. I speak with the boys parents too. We both have had discussions on our expectations for the kids. We talk to them about what we don't want, ie, preganancy, STD's etc. They are both seniors in High School and go to separate schools. They are planning on what they are going to do after graduation and want to be together. This could be a serious relationship. We like the boy and his parents like my daughter. That is a good thing. We always keep the lines of communication open for her and her older brother. She has a 10:00 curfew on weeknights and an 11:00 curfew on Weekends. He maybe 18 but she is not. She still has to follow the rules of the city and the city has a curfew for all children under 18. We took off last week and left her and the boyfriend with our little ones for a while and I talked to both of the teenagers and told them EXACTLY what I expected from them. They are role models for my younger kids. They said that they would be on their best behavior. When we got home the younger ones, the spies, told us that they were very good and didn't even kiss in front of them. So, lay it out and speak to them both often. Good luck!

In addition to all the other great responses, just make sure she is self-confident, is aware of her sexuality, is aware of birth control, AND... does not feel she "has to" do what a boy wants with her body.... and since he IS older than she is... an 18 year old boy is well, horny.

Keep open and non-judgmental communication with her, so she feels she can come to you for anything and whatever reason, no matter how silly or serious. No matter what, she is still a child, who is now entering her FIRST relationship... and no matter what, even as she approaches 17, she is still in high-school, right?

Also, it's important for her to feel free to also go to her Dad for any advice also. Talk with your Hubby, so that you are all supportive and "alert" about it and her relationship, and just be a soft place for her to fall, if she needs to.

when I was that age... per my Parents, "dates" were "group" activities... and/or with a distinct plan and not just carousing around town. Have "rules".... and boundaries as is reasonable. ALSO, the boy should be making appearances at your house too... and since he is 18, he should be fully expected to be mature about it, and communicate with you too, his "girlfriend's" Parents. Proper protocol should be expected...

Some 18 year olds also drink. Make sure of his friends too... if by chance your daughter is in their company... and she is the only girl there. What then? Does your daughter have good judgment and "know" what to do in case of emergency or if she does not want to do something that the others are doing? Talk about it openly with her. These are all scenarios that DOES happen a lot, and is common. Some kids are also street-smart and others are not. Speak to her about common sense too, even though she is almost 17. No matter what, this is her first relationship....

But mainly, they need to know that we "trust" them, and respect them too.

All the best,
Susan

In my experience the key thing is to make your expectations clearly known. If you have a curfew it is to be respected, and if not, then (fill in the blank.) We can discuss whether we think teen sex is a good idea, but the fact of the matter is, what we think may not dictate what our kids do. Take your daughter to an ob and have them go over std's birth control etc. For some reason they seem to listen more closely to anyone that isn't their parent. Make sure she knows that all avenues of communication are open and that you will respond in a non judgemental fashion. I always tell my kids that while I may not approve of all their choices, I'll always love and approve of them.

I think the curfew needs to be set based on the activity, but as a general rule there is no reason to be out later than 11, weekends only. School nights are another story. No later than 8:30, and only if all obligations, chores, homework etc are done. Also, if grades start dropping, behavior changes etc all dates are off.

Perhaps you can talk to the boy's family and together come up with some agreed upon curfew times. That way both kids will feel the pressure of the same curfew. It can be hard to insist on a group - who knows what happens when they leave the house. You certainly can make your preferance known. Good luck!

Our rules were: no dating at all until 16, group dates first, then one-on-one dates, 10 pm curfew school nights, 11 or 12 weekends, changeable at any time due to your behavior. Dates also had to come to the door, not just honk the horn!

My curfew was always set around whatever the date was, so if it was a movie, I had so much time after the movies were out to get home. Dating was weekends only. With a few rare exceptions (Homecoming, Prom, etc.), curfew was never later than 10:00 PM, because, as my mom always liked to remind me, "Nothing good happens after 10 PM". My parents always had to meet, and approve of my dates. This means no honking from the driveway. They had to actually come in and (gasp) talk to my parents. That way they could size up the boy, run their mental lie detectors and let them know about my curfew for the evening. Basically it was to impress upon the boy how involved they were in my well being. And even at 16, I appreciated it. All it took was a couple of guys with "Russian hands and Roman fingers" to realize my parents were geniuses! It was always nice to be able to use the excuse of my curfew to keep the date on track and not wander into the backseat. And, of course, that was exactly the point. It wasn't that my parents didn't trust me. It was that they didn't trust the boys. And with good reason! Even though I thought they were really strict at the time, and I did rebel a bit behind their backs, overall I think they handled it the best way they could by being involved and informed. My dad managed not to have a heart attack, and I left for college with my hymen and self esteem intact. Good luck, and hopefully for you you only have one daughter, cause this isn't easy! ;)

Hi L.!
you have had alot good responses. You have to go with your heart and whats important to you. What kind of values you want her to uphold.
Our daughter started dating a little young. Our feelings are: they are going to do it anyways, so be very open with them and yes have the sex talk. Tell her how a boy should treat her. How to value her body and dont fall for the "if you love you will". have them at the house as much as possible so you can see how they get along and how much he respects her and her opinion. Making sure she does not change her personality for him. As hard as it will be, help her realize that they should not ignore their other friends.. boys may come and go but their girlfreinds will stick by you.
Just have a very open relationship with her and ask her questions.. also if her daddy is in the picture he needs to talk to her about how boys should treat her. That will go so far...
Good Luck, it wont always be easy.

You could check out http://www.urlzoom.org/1be for a religious point of view.

there is a good book called "do hard things" it's about dating and stuff like that. probably not the most popular advice, but the best for some families.

First of all .... good job for you - it sounds like you and your daughter have a good relationship. I agree with Jenn D on curfews. Yes, I am not a parent of a teenager, but I am a high school teacher ... you would be shocked and amazed at the things I hear and learn. Curfews are a must .... if you don't set guidelines with her, you may be suprised out how late she will be out, even if she tries to use good judgement. Even on school nights I hear about my students being out until after 10 and on weekends it seems like some are literally out all night. FYI - only hearing the male side as I teach at an all boys school, but the truth is somewhere in the middle of how late and how often they are out.

Also, if you haven't, talk to her about what is fair - jealousy, etc.... You would be suprised at the number of male students I have who feel it is okay for them to talk to another girl and have female friends while dating someone, but they don't believe the girl they are dating should have male friends or hang out with males except for them. Even I was shocked at their double standard.

I also love the suggestion about mixing up the dates - some family nights, some group nights, and some couple excursions - as long as you continue to monitor where and with whom, I think all should go as smoothly as can be anticipated. Good luck and kudos to you for being such a great mom.

I have an 18 year old and at 17 she had her first "boyfriend" If you say NO on things she will start to lie to you. I found that I set the rules with both of them right away. No closed doors, no under blankets, no being here together when I am not home. Make no exceptions! Stay strong on your rules. Do not be blinded because you have a good girl. This is the age where it does happen and it will slip right between your fingers if you don not have a handle on it. I did a lot of things with them and let her have him come along places. Good Luck

It is good that you already have taught her to inform you of who she is with and where she is. Continue this.
How much freedom you give her depends on her. My mother always taught me that freedom is given to those that earn it.
Growing up, I was only allowed group dating. I actually think this was a great idea because there was no pressure to go down the roads that lead to sex. Also, being with a group is fun because there is opportunity to get to know each other without the pressure.
Curfews are debatable. Some parents wouldn't let their kids out of the house without one. (I know kids who got in trouble anyway). Instead of insisting on a specific time, they gave me a general time and told me that they trusted me, and that they wanted me to do everything in my power to hold on to their trust -It worked. They had taught me well.
Advice: What to do if feeling uncomfortable is probably the best thing you can teach your daughter. (Most of the time, teenagers are pressured into having sex. They really don't want it, but just have an idea in their head that "everyone is doing it, so we have to") How to stand up and say no if she feels uncomfortable or is feeling pressured is the best thing you can do for her (and your own peace of mind).

HI L.,

One thing I think my parents did very well is to make me comfortable having my boyfriends at their home. They regularly would say, "ask Tommy to join us for dinner"--and dinners would be fun. It made me proud to see that my boyfriend would enjoy my parents and it gave them a chance to get to know him better.

With my stepdaughters we had a variety of experiences. Some boyfriends were very much family members, and others would sit on the couch and hardly say a word. It's easier to illicit respect from the teenage couple when they see you both as a friend, and parents they need to respect. If you feel invisible to the parents, you think you can do anything behind their backs. Many of my friends talked with my parents about subjects they weren't comfortable discussing at their own homes. They trusted them. And still, you had to go through my parents to spend time with me outside of school.

One thing that worked well with both myself and my oldest stepdaughter in regards to setting sexual limits was the early discussion of birth control. (my stepdaughters' mom is a nurse, and she was in charge of the final decision.) My mom told me when I was a young teen that when I was ready to have sex (someday way in the future, with someone I really loved), that she wouldn't be ready, but it was important for me to come to her and she'd make sure I had birth control and would be safe. I dated a boy for over 3 years and thought long and hard before making that step. My step daughter knew that even after she had birth control they'd have to wait for another month before it would be effective. Learning how to wait and still having that decision be your own often gives you the tools to choose to wait even longer. My younger stepdaughter had some wild early teen years yet says she wants to wait until she is married. Not everyone believes in waiting until marriage, but we'd all encourage our girls to take their time, not to do anything they aren't ready for or makes them uncomfortable, and not feel pressured. We want them to feel good about their bodies and sexuality throughout their adult/married lives as well. (With an older teen you have to discuss some of it in general terms because they get embarrassed so easily. They don't want to tell you about their sex life any more than they want to hear details about yours. But they're often willing to talk about things their friends or other girls at school are doing. They have peers who've done it all, suffered all the consequences, and everyone in school knows about it. Your child can discuss these issues and how she feels about these situations, seeing it isn't directly about her.)

I just reread that you know the boy's parents. Great--they don't want to be grandparents yet either! I'm assuming he is still living at home so they still have some influence over some of his behavior. Your daughter's relationship with her dad is important here too.

Don't believe there is always safety in numbers. Peer pressure is a huge factor for teens. So although it's great to mix it up, sometimes going to a football game with your best friends and their dates and other times seeing a movie alone. Don't assume that the group keeps the grope factor down. Dates don't always have to be at night or in a car. (They both are of driving age, but they may not have their own cars yet.) They just want to spend time together. Our kids went on a lot of walks and bike rides, hung out at the park (alone, but in a public place.) My parents only allowed one boy date per weekend night, but we could spend time at the library together doing homework, spend the afternoon watching football with my dad, go skiing with a group of friends. etc. (They wanted me to make time to be with my girl friends as well, and not hyper focus on the BOY as teenage girls do.) My high school boyfriend told me years later that one of the best dates he remembers was tobogganing with me and my parents and cousins on the golf course (back in NH). We laughed so hard that day. He eventually broke up with me, but we are still friends 30 years later.

It doesn't sound like your daughter is boy crazy, but her feelings for an actual "boyfriend" may seem a bit intense from your perspective. (Falling in love is like that.) The whole point of dating is practicing to find the right match--this one may not last long enough for you to have to set many rules, but I think you're smart setting some ground rules first, then both your kids will know what the parameters are. Our curfew was 9pm on a weeknight event (rare, being a school night, but basketball games, etc.) and 10 or 11pm on the weekend, depending on the event, unless the event got out at 11 then adjust for reasonable driving time. School work was always a priority. A broken curfew meant I sat out the next event.

I'd say the more you get to know the boyfriend and the more respectful both kids behave the more responsibility you can give them. Very few people end up with the first boy that they date, but we can't diminish the feelings they have for them. Wish for them to have it be a good memory (it sets up patterns for relationships in the future), and have to be careful not to be seen as trying to keep them apart while setting appropriate curfews and boundaries. (If you hate him, you can't tell her. She may stay with him to spite you. If he treats her like a jerk she'll see that on her own but be embarrassed if you point it out first.)

The next few years are tough ones. This is when she takes everything you've raised her with and practices for being out on her own so very soon. Expect her to make some mistakes and don't let her make you the bad guy, but it's still your house, your rules. Unfortunately these are the years when a girl thinks she knows more than her parents, she will eventually push her mom away in order to become a grown up. As long as she does it within your rules it won't be so bad! (You still hold the keys to the car, her cell phone, her computer and college.. and you are her role model!) You've set a good pattern in knowing where your kids are at all times. I wouldn't let up on that now. (My mom told me it was so that she'd be able to contact me in an emergency.)

The next few years goes by fast.
I wish you the best : )

I apologize that this is so long.

my mom is going through the same thing with my youngest sister. teens are naturally permiscuios. set basic rules for her and him. discuss where they are not aloud to go and also what kind of behavor is not tolerated (like sex or eing all over eachother). also tell them things like if they are in your home that her bedroom door is not to be closed when he or any boy is in her room. to me a good curfew is anywhere between 10-11p but use your best judgement there. i would suggest group dating with atleast one other couple or even goto the movies with them and sit a few rows back so they can have a little privacy. this is a big step for you and her so you have got to take it one day at a time. if your open with her then she will be open to you with things (like sex and many other questions). good luck i hope you find this helpful!