Dating and Having Kids...

i'm a little amused at the assumption that this is something everyone has to navigate. i've never had a boyfriend since i've had kids, so it's never been an issue for me.

well, other than tom hiddleston. but i never let him near the kids.

my dad had a few girlfriends after my mom died, before he married my stepmother (who had been our nanny.) we did meet them, but very casually and in social situations. i didn't realize until years later that dad had actually been dating the 'friends' with whom we'd go to the beach sometimes, or dine with.

had the situation arisen for me, i'd have kept my dating forays very separate from my kids. i wouldn't have hidden it from them, but i would never have brought casual boyfriends into their lives.

khairete
S.

My ex and I agreed on a guideline of dating for at least 6 months before introducing a new significant other to our kids and to avoid overnight visits with a significant other even after introduction. He dated someone before we were divorced (our divorce took 3 years to complete) and introduced her to the kids after about a year. They've been together another year since then and he is moving into her house, so obviously there will be overnights with the kids visiting him there but she didn't regularly sleep over my ex's house when the kids were staying there (which is only once a week at most anyway). This seems to work well for our kids and is the norm in my social circle.

I'm not dating yet but when I do, people I date casually will never meet my kids. If someone seems like serious long-term relationship material, I would introduce them after 6 months to a year. My kids are teenagers so I won't hide that I'm dating, but my love life will be something that I keep to myself until someone is important and special enough to meet my kids.

Generally I don't think it's a good idea to be parading a lot of boyfriends through your kid(s) lives.
If/when you find someone who will be a permanent or long term relationship (marriage is a possibility) - and that takes longer than a few months to find out, then it's time for the significant other and kids to meet and start to get to know one another.
And then if the compatibility of the boyfriend and kids is not working then it's a no go and time for breaking up with that boyfriend because you and your kids are a package deal.
You should never destroy your kids childhood just so you can have a boyfriend/any boyfriend.
I'm not saying that this is you but there have been some posters here who have made some awful choices and ruined/tortured their kids and then wondered why their teen is in psychiatric lock down.

I agree with B. People need to control their exciting new feelings for a new love and not introduce them to children who do not understand adult emotions. They can bond with someone who doesn't stay in the picture, and then when that boyfriend leaves, it can increase insecurity for a child whose father has already left. (Same goes for reverse genders.) I think it's fine for kids to know that Mommy is going out with a grown-up friend for a grown-up evening, but Mommy should be driving herself to this date. If the kids meet someone in a big BBQ of all kinds of friends, that's different. But still, they shouldn't be learning this is Mommy's boyfriend.

A friend divorced 5 years ago. Her ex sought his bliss in another state and married very soon thereafter. The kids were confused. He also rarely keeps his visitation arrangements, skips vacations and so on. It's awful.

The mom, meantime, devoted herself to the kids and to big social things at the synagogue, with the religious school parents, and so on. So the kids had a big community of friends and saw that their mom had adult friends. About 3 years ago, a man she dated right after college looked her up, and they started dating casually, then more intensely, but only when his kids and hers weren't around (summer camp, visiting the other parent, at sleepovers). Recently, a they decided to be a couple and the kids met him as Mom's boyfriend. They had met once before, years ago, when the grandparents wanted to go to the large store in their town that the man manages - so they all were introduced to Joe, who went to grad school with Mom. That was it until the 3 year mark. I think she handled it beautifully, and the kids are enjoying time with him - because he goes to gymnastics with them, does stuff around the house, and goes to the restaurants they like.

Your kids don't need or want (trust me) to know anything about your love/sex life. Have a good time on your own time and keep the boyfriends outside of your family life. Only when you're seriously discussing marriage should you even begin to think about introducing a man to your children.

I agree to a point with the others. You don't want to parade guys in and out of the house. And if it's very casual not. But if it's something that you think might last you want the kids to meet them in a social setting and probably just as a friend. You want to see if they will click with you kids or not. Cause you don't want to be fulling emotionally invested and them not click with your child. That would make things difficult.

Sorry, but I agree with Mamazita and B. Unless you have a ring and a date, please don't. Your kids deserve to have you all to themselves and not have to share you with a guy who may or may not be there in 6 months. Date quietly - these are your kids, not girlfriends to go gush about some guy with. If and when you're talking marriage, then they can meet, when there's a promise of stability. These kids aren't with you forever - they deserve to come first.

ETA: Well, I know you won't come back and read this, because to be honest, you really didn't read any of the comments the first time around. "It seems most of you agree with me." ??? Really? I see one person who said sooner better than later. Literally every other person said don't.

Why bother asking...

I think it’s important not to wait too long, 3 months if serious and you feel it’s going somewhere.

You need to see how this dude interacts with your children or if you need to kick him to the curb. If the guy has kids you also need to see how the group interacts as a whole.

One of my boyfriends, my kids liked him a lot but not his son. We had drastically different parenting styles deal breaker.

I think it’s better for kids to meet a boyfriend and have a say in the person then to be stuck with a bad stepdad and a shitty dysfunctional blended family.