Daughter Cries - No One Talks to Her

I would let the teacher know right away what is going on. Sounds like bullying to me and most schools have a zero tolerance of this type of thing. While it's true that kids can't be "forced" to like someone, they can be asked to treat everyone with kindness and respect!

Hi,

Call the school counselor so she can adress the daily dramas of girls:). I too have a daughter and teach. I would talk to her about talking to the girl to mend the fence. If she does not stick up to her the girl may begin bullying her (the silence part and could be consdered this since the other girl manipulated the other girls in being "mad" at her too). I always tell my daughter to talk to the person she has the problem with first and then if it doesn't solve the problem then go to an adult and tell them. If the adult doesn't intervene to tell me and I will talk to the adult. I feel it models an appropriate way to solve the problem now and for life.

L.

I was in the same situation at school when I was her age. I understand! I had to learn how to grow a thick skin, and I really learned how and where to find my worth. My family helped with that, but it really was my church that helped. My class was the class that no one wanted to teach, from 1st grade through 12th grade. I learned to make friends in other grades, which was especially great on the playground. I also learned that standing up for yourself is not always easy, but it is the best.

Yes, talk with the teacher. But really, she needs to learn to work things out. It is not fun to see your child go through something like this, but it's easier and better for her to learn at this age than when she is away at college.

What your DD is experiencing is called bullying. It's the way girls do it, very underhanded and not overt like a punch to the face, but in the end, it's the same thing.

Another mom on here suggested "Odd Girl Out, the Hidden Culture of Aggression" by Rachel Simmons. It's a terrific read about how/why girls behave this way, but the very last chapter has tactics to help your DD cope. Get it today from your library or book store so you can work with her this weekend.

I would contact the teacher. Let the teacher know what is going on, so she can help to make sure that your daughter is being included and treated fairly.

Perhaps she can even say something to the class about being nice to each other and helping each other out without making it obvious that it is aimed at these girls. Or she can also pull the girls aside privately and ask them what is going on and if they can work on being friends again.

Do you know any of the girls mothers? Maybe you can call them and let them know.

Sometimes a group of girls can be harsh when around the 'big shot' one, but if one girl that was the closest friend was invited over for a playdate or something, it might help break that up.

In the meantime, encourage your daughter to still be nice and friendly and that over time, things will blow over. And if they don't then that is okay too, because she will one day be able to make close friends of her own who won't treat her badly.

My daughter is experiencing the same sort of thing as she's the new kid in her class this year. Girls can be mean, and it's so disappointing because I really beleive that this behavior is learned from their mothers. And even if it's not, their mothers should encourage them to treat others kindly, even if they do not necessarily like them. I kept in touch with my daughter's teacher via email often and she seems to be doing okay now. But I know this is the start of cattiness and it will continue. It hurts us just as much, if not more, than our girls because we just want them to be happy. I would talk to her teacher first and foremost. She/he can be instrumental in helping the girls work things out, I know my daughter's teacher was.

If the 9 year old was copying your daughter, then she probably actually liked your daughter and was doing it for that reason. Other than the copying being annoying, does your daughter actually like the 9 year old? If so, contact the 9 year old's mother and explain that it seems like they had a falling out and you would like to get them together to "smooth things over". Invite the 9 year old over to play, or take them to a movie, etc. If you can re-establish that reationship the others will follow.

If your daughter has no interest in that particular girl, then pick out one or two of the "followers" that your daughter likes and try to get a small group together.

Good luck,
K.

Start inviting those girls over for a play date one at a time. Help your daughter bond. If things go well have a slumber party over the summer. Help your daughter figure out who she really has fun with.

Confession: This is hard for Mom's to watch their kids learn how to socialize. My youngest is in college and I still worry.

:)
P.

This is normal grade school socializing. Sit down with her and explain her to just ride it out she will learn how to select friends differently and let her know it's not her, it is the way kids are. Keep an active part until this stops. Tell her to find some new friends and she may have to switch several times friends until she is older....

Oh third grade drama! I remember this kind of thing, and it still goes on today. I don't know if Illinios is like Ohio where they have mandated bullying policies or if your school has a program, but in the school my daughter attends, this would be one of those situation that was "suposed" to be documented and both the target, the bully, and the bystanders coached on how to handle things differently. I use the quotations because none of that would ever really happen, and if teachers noticed, they would do nothing anyway. You could check and see if there is a program, but chances are, if you go up to school and the other kids get in trouble, it will not blow over because she tattled. That is the pattern.

You could try to do the coaching yourself, and see if you can be honest with your daughter, and help her to see her role in the "copy" incident, she might have something to learn about how to keep from upsetting others, which is not to say that how the other girls are acting is OK, just that this is the only part of this process you could do on your own and would be a skill that she could use later to help avoid this kind of situation.

M.

I would be very understanding and sympathetic to your daughter when she tells you about it - it's great she is going to you! I would also share with her that you know how she feels and regardless of others not talking to her, encourage her to keep trying and to still be nice to all the other girls (like she has been)... Truthfully, the girls will get over it and she will probably make an even better friend in the meantime.

My heart goes out to her - poor thing. Hang in there and good luck!

Hi P.
I taught 3rd grade for several years and these young ladies thrive on the drama. They love to feel grown up and stage these elaborate scenes. I would ask the teacher to talk to the girls and come up with some ways the girls can solve these problems on their own. I often role play with my class on how they could better handle arguements. Good luck and tell your daughter to be strong and ignore and soon enough they will get bored and create a brand new drama.

Do not hesitate to get the school involved. They are trained to deal with these issues and usually do a great job. It is a good thing for all involved to learn how to better resolve conflict and treat each other well. Most schools have a zero tolerance for bullying, and even can help your child find her niche at school. Believe me, I'm a social worker and you want to nip this behavior when they're young, because it only gets worse. And I wouldn't worry about the other girls getting "in trouble " or tattling. Like I said, the principal and social workers are well trained in this area for the best interests of all the children. Bullying is not an effective means of coping for the other kids, so they need some guidance in how to resolve conflict, as well. Wouldn't our society, and our workplaces be so much nicer if people learned better social skills as kids?

Perhaps her teacher should be advised or, or might have observed, this behavior already? Could you meet with her privately for help and advice for school and home?

Most schools are looking for their parent recommendations for next school year this month. Perhaps write the Principal requesting she not be placed with this child/children again, voicing your social concerns -- your daughter's teacher would be able to help you word this request as well.

Good luck and way to catch this Mom!

My daughter had a similar thing going on in 5th grade. Fortunately she had friends from other places to rely on (sports, church). See if you can find some other groups for her that would be better. If they see that they are having an effect, it won't get better, so if she can learn that they don't matter and she wouldn't really want them as friends anyway, it will be easier for her and then when they start coming around, she doesn't need them.

I just want to say Im sorry your both having to deal with this. I have a 4 year old son who thinks that everyone is his friend so when kids leav him out its heart breaking for him and for me. I try to explain to him that he shouldn't want to be friend with kids that are mean to him but we all know that doesn't fix it.

With girls there is the problem of singling out. I like the Idea of inviting some of the girls over it may be a way to smooth things out. Also, there must be other girls in the class that she can play with. What about her having a party with a special theme that she could invite her friends to.

I know it's spitful but showing others how it feels to be left out may help them to understand. im prob not the one to listen to though cuz it just makes me mad when kids do this and their parents don't stop them from being mean.

good luck I hope it works out for her, my heart goes out to you both!

So sorry she is going through this... the trouble for standing up for what is right - about the copying - is that sometimes no one else will, or that they are too afraid of losing friends to do what's right.

My son was having the same type of thing. The kid sat next to him, etc. I contacted the teacher and asked how often the kids would be changing seat assignments? They wouldn't be. This was it. Umm. Would it be possible to try a new arrangement, this is what's going on... The next day, the teacher rearranged the room to move my son and 2 other kids around. My son now sits on the other side of the room from the kid in question and seems to be doing better.

I know how you feel, but I don't think it is uncommon at this age. Girls are very emotional and dramatic at this age, and it is not a new phenomenon. This happened to me when i was in 3rd-4th grade, and I am 48. We had no internet and were not allowed to use the phone past 6pm, but girls still managed to hit home with the psychological bullying you are talking about. Make sure she has activities she loves and at least one friend she can count on to come over and play once in a while, and she will get through it! I shed a lot of tears and I am sure my mom was very worried, but I am pretty well-adjusted adult, so it's not the end of the world. If you start seeing email stuff, I would contact the parent immediately and take your daughter off computer contacts (at least for a while) I think this is too young to have an email account anyway. You should realize that girls assert their "power" in this way, unlike boys, who usually take it to the sports field or playground, where someone "wins" or gets a bloody nose, and they all go back to normal the next day! (at least that's how it was with my husband and son)
If yu can help her stand on her own now and be positive about herself (she doesn't have a problem, the other girl(s) have big time insecurities) she will have a better time navigating the bigger stakes to come in Jr. High and High school when boyfriends, drinking and drugs are thrown into the mix! Good Luck

I like some of the suggestions of the prior posts suggesting maybe the teacher could "mix up" the seat assignments if you feel that might help.

Essentially I don't think there's much else the teacher can do. Kids are going to be friends with who they want, regardless of if teachers or parents PUSH "being nice to everyone".

I think the idea of individual playdates with other kids in the class or grade might help. We also work to see if "friends" from school want to enroll in soccer together and request to be on the same team as them. I think encouraging your daughter to see out different kids to play with and then supporting those friendships outside of school will help her recover from this experience.

We can't protect them from every bad experience. That's part of life and learning. However what we can do is not "save" them, but instead encourage them in new directions.

Best of luck

I am so sad for your daughter. I always felt like an outcast at school. I never really had any close friends untill I got older. I would just try to sympathize with her and try to make her feel better. It seems to me in this day and age that kids are way harsher than they used to be. I truly worry about my daughters going to school because it seems that girls can be way nastier to each other than boys. Have you thought about getting her in any extracurricular activities with other girls her age? Such as Girl Scouts, dance or maybe a sport. My niece has always been a social creature but I believe it is because my sister had her in dance and as she got older in soccer. It doesn't necessarily have to be a sport just something to give her a chance to be around other girls. Good luck.

Book recommendation: My Secret Bully by Trudy Ludwig