Daughter Is Soooo Bossy

Updated on July 15, 2008
P.A. asks from Midland, TX
29 answers

I have an 8 year old beautiful incredibly smart daughter who is very bossy. I refer to her as the "cruise director" to my neighbor because whenever she gets around the other neighborhood kids or kids from school she is always directing everyone on what they should be doing. I've tried to talk to her about it but can't seem to get my point across and I'm afraid I'm going to hurt her feelings. Well now it has come to my attention that she is not being invited to parties and over for playdates because the other girls think that she is too bossy. Last night one of her best neighborhood friends told her that she was not invited to a specific playdate with the other neighbors because she bosses everyone around. I don't know how to help her with this without her thinking that I think something is wrong with her. She is VERY tender-hearted and honestly does not think that she is bossy at all. I keep telling myself that later on in life her "take charge", attitude will pay off, but for now it's just not working for her.

Thanks,
Pam

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C.F.

answers from Dallas on

Honestly I think it may be that the other kids are too sensitive. My 8 year old daughter is also what some may refer to as "bossy", but I see her as a LEADER. When she over steps her leadership, I do step in, but not often. I see this quality as positive, I wouldn't do anything to change it. I am not like that and I admire her for it. She has come across other girls that have been just like her and there hasn't been any problems, they actually work together to find a common ground. Whenever we go somewhere that I know is going to involve them socializing with other kids, before we leave the house I remind them to be nice to other children, that always seems to help.

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C.G.

answers from Dallas on

when I was a child, I was not invited to parties because I had to be in the center to see the gifts just like the one who"s birthday it was. Later a friend told me that it was because I had acted like that. I stopped immediately, but it had to come from one of my friends for me to know.

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G.W.

answers from Dallas on

P.,

I'm not sure I'm going to have any great advice but what I did want to say is I really commend you for being able to recognize this and attempt to deal with this issue of bossiness your daughter is having. Why do I say this? Because I have a daughter that is the opposite to a fault and won't stand up for herself to other girls that are overly bossy to her. I've seen some of it firsthand and have had to intervene when I thought it went to far but then had to bite my lip when I listen to the other moms talk about what little darlings their daughters are after I've watched them talk to and boss my child around like a servant. I guess all you can really do is talk to her heart to heart about what it means to be a friend - letting others make some of the choices about what and how to play, asking for something nicely instead of demanding and of course always use please and thank you (even to other little kids). You know, I don't think there's anything wrong with letting her know that she's been wrong about this, it doesn't mean she's a bad person, she's just been making some mistakes when it comes to friends. That's part of learning to be sorry and showing remorse for doing something that hurts another. We know that is a key skill one needs in adulthood or we walk through life thinking we are the queen bee with no faults :-)

You know, overall, your daughter is entering a difficult age when it comes to friends. I noticed the change in third grade, now we're going into fifth and oh do I wish for the days when the girls and friends weren't so catty. But alas, I fear it is just starting. So, prepare yourself, you'll be dealing with this for years to come!

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J.A.

answers from Amarillo on

My 14 yr old daughter has been bossy since she was very small. She also has a little brother 5 yrs younger than her. Her nickname has always been "little mama". I'm not sure where the bossiness comes from but I can assure you my daughter has great friends and is very successful in everything she does. Also, she NEVER feels the need to be part of the "in crowd" or do things just because the other girls are or because they would think it's cool. She is a leader, a guide, always has great ideas, and inspires others. I think your daughter will too, I also think once they are aware that bossiness offends some friends they learn to tone it down alot. One rule we've always had in our house is that when company is over we do what they want to do when they want to do it. No excuses! If you want friends over, you play what they want to play. Maybe this could help your daughter too. Maybe she can invite one friend at a time to come and play at her house so she can practice. This will also give her the chance to find her one perfect friend. I am a firm believer that one great friend is way better than several not so great ones!

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A.K.

answers from Dallas on

First of all, I have to say that I disagree with some of the other responses. While I understand that her "bossiness" is an issue right now, I have to say that I disagree that it is something to "take care of". It is a big part of her persoanlity and who she is. I would not address it with her as a negative, but use this as an opportunity to talk to her about balancing her behavior. It is wonderful that she is a "leader" and I would use this word versus "bossy". It is great that she has confidence and strength of character. Then I would let her know that perhaps her friends would feel more comfortable if she toned it down just a little and that perhaps while she is feeling hurt right now, so are her friends. I was a "bossy" child too, but I was also a leader and it served me quite well for the future. I was not a door mat as a kid (or an as an adult) and wasn't picked on or bullied and once I found a balance in my personality I found that I was comfortable enough in myself that I was friends with EVERYONE! I could talk to anyone, I wasn't shy and I wasn't easily influenced by peer pressure. I did very well in school and sports and I was a social butterfly! You have to encourage her to be true to herself,but remind her to be careful to not offend or hurt others feelings. Most importantly, I have to say that you sound like a GREAT mom! Keep doing what you are doing and she will be just fine!
P.S. - I am STILL a complete control freak and I am not sad or lonely!

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A.W.

answers from Knoxville on

P.-

First -- so often, we avoid difficult situations (esp. with our kids!) because we don't want to hurt them -- and in the long run this hurts them more. Talking to your daughter about her behavior would be hard, but hearing from another girl that she's not being invited...that's definitely worse.

It's important to remember that there are two systems at play: your daughter's behavior, and your daughter's self. Her self is perfectly fine. It's the behavior that needs adjusted.

My son is very sensitive also, but like every human on the planet, has things on which he could improve. I've found that by separating his behavior from his self, it allows me to get my message through without passing along shame or blaming.

My daughter is turning 7, and she has a tendency to be bossy; she just wants to play her way. We've been working with her on it, though, in a few ways. First, by focusing on making sure she understands that it's a behavior issue and not a 'her' issue. Then, when she has difficulties with someone (usually her brother) over being bossy, we talk about what went wrong and why, and how it could be done differently. And if it's blatant, she gets some sort of discipline (sentences, time out, etc.).

When I play with her, she likes to tell me what she wants my Barbie to do or say. I try to then model more appropriate behavior by saying something like: OK, I'll do that this time, but then next time I get to do it my way. OR, ok, I'll do that, but then your girl has to say or do this.

Kids often don't know any other way, and don't have the life experience to conjure up alternatives. They don't see others and their behaviors the way adults do. To give her concrete examples of alternate ways of dealing with situations could really help. And also sitting with her and being honest about specific times her behavior has created problems, and helping her see how it caused problems, and then suggesting alternate strategies for next time could be extremely helpful.

The hardest part is done for her: her friend hurt her feelings. You can help her navigate through it all, though, and help her understand what it is she does that people view as difficult to deal with, and give her ways to handle things that will make her company easier to swallow for other kids.

I hope this helps you; good luck to you both.

***Having read some of the other responses, I'd like to add:

Leadership and bossiness are not related: one is assertive, the other aggressive. You can take aggression and train it into assertiveness, but you can do so with passivity as well.

If her bossiness has reached the point that it is causing rifts with her friends, then there is an issue that needs to be dealt with.

People generally like confident individuals who are able to make decisions. People dislike tyrant-types who make decisions without regard for others and their wishes. It's a fine line that even adults have a hard time navigating, but you can help your daughter find her balance, which, I agree, is key. In finding balance, and appropriate times to take charge, and cooperative ways to lead, you can help her learn strategies to be an effective leader as opposed to a bossy style.

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L.C.

answers from Dallas on

My feeling is that my job as a mom is to raise my daughter and son to help them grow up to be there best. sometimes it requires me to tell them things I dont want to, but I love them most and because I do they trust that whaterver I say I say to help them and not hurt them. I am very honest with my children and they know that the can trust me to act and react in there best intrest. I would tell my daughter that having control over every situation is not working and she is going to push people away with this behavior. Give her examples of how to properly speak what she wants without demanding also teach her through role play what it means to allow others to have a differnt idea or opionion and compromise. Maybe enroll her in a team sport. Through this she will trust you more for helping her be her best rather than hide from it. It is hurting both of you by not dealing with it properly and if she doesnt learn how give up control she is going to be sad and lonley. You dont want that and neither does she. Good luck. when I say sad and lonley I mean from an 8 year old perspective not an adult and if she is being uninvited it is hurtful and sad and lonley. I also think that being a leader is not being a control freak as the post ahead of me said. A great leader is a great influencer not a tyrant. ( I mean all of this with respect to you and other posts.)

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E.L.

answers from Dallas on

P.,

I have raised 4 children, and one of them was a lot like your daughter. I found that it was better to be candid with my child, explain with love and tenderness the reason the other children are shunning her, and help guide her to a better way of dealing with her pears. It is better to lovingly help her see her problem than for her to believe that she is perfect. None of us are. Sometimes there is just no other way to help them mature than to hurt their feelings. My children grew to be better, caring, people by overcomming their problems, not by never believing that they had no problems. I believe all of us learn that way. Our role as parents is to guide our children to be responsible, thoughtful, adults and it is impossible to do that and not hurt our childs feelings once in awhile. The earlier she can correct her behavior the earlier that all the other children will quit shunning her and hurting her feelings. As long as she knows you are correcting her because you love her and want her to be a successful adult, she will take what you have to say to her with respect and dignity.
It is not always easy to correct your children. I have often cried with them, but as adults they tease me about it hurting me as much as it did them. Often that is true but their well being is our responsibility, noone elses.

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D.B.

answers from Dallas on

From my experience, oldest children (I'm one myself) tend to lean to the bossy side of life. That doesnt' mean it's right, but that tendency, if given the chance to blossom properly will make that child a good leader one day. You might go to your local library and see what they have in the way of manners books. (I didn't like my mom & dad telling me what to do, and sometimes things came across better when from a different source) I know our library has some books about being bossy that are written for kids, and would work great for a child her age. If you help her see how others feel in situations that she puts them in, it may help her change some too. It could be that she's trying to "mother" the other kids, and if she sees that what she is doing is hurting them and her, hopefully she will work to change it. Maybe giving her more responsibility around the house would help. I used to love it when I got to cook dinner and do other things like that. Giving her more responsibilities could help her have more "control" in a controlled environment. Let her help make menues for the week, be in charge of making sure certain chores get done, ect...

Good luck

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N.H.

answers from Dallas on

Ouch! Hard to be strong and easy going. She si old enough to see what is going on and to really have her feelings hurt. Talk to her some more about boundries. Find her a place where she can use those strong leadership skills and tell her to leave those at 'work' basically. Maybe she can volunteer at the church daycare or with the toddler church program. Maybe even at a nursing home or with special olympics program. She just needs to learn when to turn it on and when to turn it off. I understand you don't want to discourage her natural born talents...you are right, she will need them in teh future and it comes so fast. Think how great she be in student council or on the debate team. Just help her focus....you knwo the old fairy tale thing...use your powers for good not evil. :)

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A.C.

answers from Dallas on

It's so hard to be 8, especially a smart 8. I think I would tell her that she does have so many terrific ideals that you understand that she wants to share them with her friends. However, her friends need and want chances to share their ideas of how/ what/ where to play too. Suggest that anytime she gets an idea she tell her friends "I have an idea of something to do, but why don't you take a turn first- is there something yopu want to do?" Maybe try playing dolls with her and make one LOVABLE doll be a bit bossy and explore how some of the other dolls are feeling

I don't know if any of these are good ideas or not, but I hope something helps. I feel bad for your child. My sister was a bit like that and I always understood her, but others didn't so much.

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M.E.

answers from Dallas on

Hello P.,
I wish I found out about Mamasource before now. (I've only been online with Mamasource for about 2 months.) My son is 12 years old and only has ONE friend because of his bossiness. We are working VERY hard at changing his attitude around people. You may have to hurt her feelings to make her aware that her actions have consequences. We make a comment to my son EVERYTIME we notice him being bossy or being overly sarcastic. We have set him down and told him why we're are doing this and he understands. He wants more friends and it is difficult for me to see him so lonely.
M.

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G.A.

answers from Dallas on

Just keep stressing the Golden Rule to treat others the way she wants to be treated. We have to teach others how to treat us. She is getting a natural consequence by not being invited and she will hear about that party. When she ends up with no friends she will learn to change. It is like hitting bottom like us all when we do something we wish we hadn't we learn to adjust and change. She will evenually got it. I would let her learn on her own as much as you can. I used to go around and try to protect my son from bigger kids but I should have let him just learn. They will. G. W

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G.W.

answers from Dallas on

Hi Pam. I think that if your daughter is smart and has already been told by other kids how her "bossy-ness" is affecting her relationships with other kids, then she will be receptive to any help from you. And, hopefully, she will be more motivated to change. I also have a tenderhearted daughter who is 8, and I know firsthand that some situations I have just had to tell her how life really is. I sympathize with her and tell her that I'm so sorry and she can always talk to me, but that is how life is.

One other thing, maybe you could help her by giving advice on exactly how to play with these kids so she's not so bossy. Teach her things like, "Well, I want to play this. Can I have a turn first, then you can have a turn to pick what we play?" or even, "What do you want to play? ... Well, I don't like that game, but if I play with you, will you play (whatever) later with me?" Also if she's feeling like she might boss, tell her to turn it into a question. Like, "Do you think we should go inside and get a drink?" or "Do you think we should play in my backyard instead of Susan's?" or "Do you like Barbies? Would you like to play Barbies?" That way she's telling others what's on her mind without insisting they do it her way. Hope that Helps!

T.F.

answers from Dallas on

I have a 13 yr old who went through a very bossy stage. She too, encountered the effect of her bossiness when she was not included in some activities with her friends. SHe was very hurrt when she found out she was not invited. We used that as a tool to help her understand that bossiness is not a bad thing BUT you have to balance it so that you do not hurt others.

Your daughter at age 8 is old enough to realize cause and effect and maybe this will be a learning lessong for her.

We had a saying around here that we used in jest to "remind" my daughter of bossiness. "Bossy Betty go away, come again another day". It got to the point, even around her friends, I could just say "Betty" and she knew exactly what I meant.

I agree....do NOT squelch this part of her personality. Just help guide her and balance it. My daughter is very strong willed and opinionated. I want her to speak up for herself and stand up for herself. We have often spoken about our daughter as a CEO or drill sargeant!! You daughter will be a great cruise director!!!

They grow up TOO fast.

tf

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S.S.

answers from Wichita Falls on

I was one of these girls. :) It has helped me immensely in the classroom, but sometimes my husband delegates to me too - if you want to address the problem with your daughter, I'd talk to her more about being a team player versus always leading.

S.

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K.A.

answers from Dallas on

Your daughter sounds like her personality type is Choleric. I took the personality course and learning the personality types taught me how to work with people with different personalities. You should read some of Florence Littauer's books. They are wonderful and funny so they are easy to read and very helpful. That is her personality and yes she does need to know when to tone down the bossiness. She is a leader and that will serve her well but all leaders need to know how to lead. My 7 year old grand-daughter seems to be a bit bossy with her friends also so it's a learning process and we have to be their mentor. Do like the bible says, train them up in the way they should go. Teach her to be a leader without alienating everyone. Not always easy to find the balance between leading and bossy. I'm sure as she gets older she'll learn to pick up on the other's responses and know how to adjust. She'll probably grow up to be manager some day.
K.

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L.T.

answers from Lubbock on

Hi P.,

If you are noticing her being bossy you need to step in. Your daughter may not like your help, but you love her. Her friends won't have her best interest at heart. If she is tender hearted go with the "Golden Rule". How would she feel if her friends told her what to do or how to play.

Good Luck. Parenting can be hard. Remember you are training her for life.

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D.S.

answers from Dallas on

TIVO "Queen Bees"-watch it to see if its appropriate for your dgt- These are girls that were nominated b/c of their mean bossy attitudes- and they are in a competetion...to change.- not sure of the channel- but its a real eye opener for girls that think they are "all that"- I have a 13 yr old she CANNOT STAND bossy girls-most kids can't so you are smart to nip in in the bud now. Kudos to you mom! Its a constant challenge-my dgt-is a real sweetie but I can feel that she needs to be reigned in b/c she wants to grow up too quickly- clothes make up- you name it! ha!
Excellent book- Queen Bees and Wanna Bees- like the "I have a girl bible"- LOVE IT!

PS_ Usually with the incredibly smart goes the bossiness- don't worrry about letting her know WHY she hasnt been invited- The truth is affective.

Good luck! and keep us in mind when you have your next party!
D. Sansone
Party Angels Ltd.
www.partyangelsus.com
###-###-####

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C.S.

answers from Dallas on

Hi P.
You start off your sentence with "I have a beautiful incredibly smart daughter". Just how much focus does this have in her life? If everyone keeps remarking about her looks and her intelligence rather than who she is as a person, I think she is going to have a very hard time making and keeping friends. Sorry to be so blunt but as an educator I deal with these issues every day and by her age it is no longer cute and often kids with the looks etc. are the ones who become unpopular or left out or labelled.
Thanks and I hope you manage to resolve this painlessly.

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T.M.

answers from Dallas on

I about flipped when I read your request. I too have an 8-year-old daughter that just went through the same thing. I have been trying to break her of this as well. I have explained to her that while I think that she is highly intelligent and that I am glad that she is such a good leader that she needs to be careful of telling her friends what to do. I have explained to her that if she continues to be bossy then her friends will not want to be around her. When a friend that I used to be really close to called me to tell me that her daughter did not want to invite her to her birthday party because she was mean, it hurt me really bad. I tried to listen to the other parent and told her that I would talk to my daughter and that maybe we should get the girls together to talk to help sort the friendship out. I got off the phone and explained to my daughter that her friend did not want to invite her because she was too bossy. I did not want to hurt my daughter however I did not know how else to explain this. I have been on her for a while about being bossy. My daughter acted like it was no big deal and said that she wanted to talk to her friend and apologize to her for being so bossy. My daughter then said that she would work on not being so bossy. Of course later on I learned that it was not really the children, but the other parent!
I guess what I am trying to tell you is that maybe if you talk to your daughter and choose one of the events that she was not invited to because of her bossiness and be truthful about it. Explain to her that there is a difference between being helpful or a leader and being down right bossy. Use a sweet voice and positive words. Explain to her that she is not a bad kid, but that you want to help shape her into the awesome kid that God created her to be. Tell her that yall will work together to help her to understand the difference in being bossy and being a leader or helpful.

On a side note, my daughter is the oldest as well and has almost 6 years difference. This could be a part of it. I have talked to several of my friends who are around constantly and have all told me that my daughter is a sweet kid. She is a typical 8-year-old girl!!

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S.W.

answers from Amarillo on

It looks like what you couldn't or wouldn't do to nip the issue of "control" in the bud with your daughter has been done for you by the neighborhood kids. Use the incident as a teaching tool for her and and you and explain to her on her eye level what happened to her. This happened because you said in your request, "I'm AFRAID I'm going to hurt her feelings," -- her feelings are hurt. You need to stop being the friend and be the parent. Parents sometimes hurt feelings. You two can be friends later in life when she is an adult. Eight years old is the beginning of growing up and the changes that come with hormones and things in the next three years are really going to make it rough on her. What she learns and does now will set the route she will go as an adult. Perhaps she needs counseling or therapy to figure this out. If you don't get it figured out she will be a brilliant person with problems in school and the workforce and maybe no friends. I have seen personally what a bossy person can do to have a very lonely and hateful life through an aunt -- not good. I won't go into the details, but it was not very pleasant for anyone including the husband. The other S.

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V.S.

answers from Dallas on

There are two things I would look at: Are you bossy with her? I don't mean this as an attack, but I work with children and have for more then 15 years. I often find that a child who has to have total control (i.e. bossiness) in their social life has very little control in their home life. It isn't always the case, but looking at your interactions with her might give you a lightbulb moment. It is worth thinking about. If you do find that you control all her decisions at home, try giving her choices to make and a bit more freedom to decide her schedule etc.

Secondly, you mention twice that you don't want to hurt her feelings or make her think you are judging her. This is a very strange fear to me. You are the parent. If you sit down and have a heart to heart with her, giving her valid examples and asking her to put herself in the other child's situation, then you are teaching her. If it hurts her feelings then so be it. Make it a discussion where you are discussing a difficult thing, so you are blunt but loving. Parenting is hard because you have to do hard things...you can't spend your time tiptoeing around things because the topic "might hurt her feelings." If she cries, hug her. If she gets angry, ride the tide. Just be there, communicating and quit worrying so much about her feelings.

Lastly, I would get your kid volunteering and doing things for others. Kids who are bossy are thinking of themselves. She needs to learn to think and do for others. Ask her questions like, "What would please XXX?" If she answers with something that would please her, call her on it. "No, that is something that would please you. Think about XXX now. What would please HER?"

Being a strong force will benefit her when she is older, but only if she learns to control that force now, while she is younger. Bossy children who learn to temper their leadership role with kindness and thoughtfulness will be great leaders when they are older. Bossy children who are coddled and allowed to be bossy because it is "part of their personality" will be tyrants who work hard to get in positions of power.

Talk to your daughter. Have her do things for neighborhood children. Make cookies and have her deliver them "just because" with no expectations. Teach her to serve others and talk to her heart bluntly, truthfully, lovingly, and often.

Good luck.
VickiS

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J.H.

answers from Amarillo on

The verse saying do unto others and your want them to do unto you has to be learned from her. Life learning lessons may hurt feelings some, but not as bad as no one wanting to play with her. Let her know that if she woudn't want everyone to tell her what to do or boss her around , how come she thinks they won't mind, and that you are sure she is fun to play with, if everyone can take turns and everyone have input in what they wwant to do, that it isn't nice for her to try and (run ) things. If it hurts or feelings or she even cries, this isn't going to hurt her but a bit, and letting it go will hurt her the rest of her life.

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D.P.

answers from Dallas on

hi pam

i'm a teacher, i see this now and then w/ students.
you ARE the best person to nip this in the bud. hearing it from the other kids is what is going to hurt her more.
yes, later in life her take charge attitude will help her, but someone has to teach her the difference in taking charge when things need to get done and being pushy/bossy. there really is a difference and she's going to continue to be hurt if you don't help her now.
only my opinion as a teacher who sees this kind of stuff every day..........

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B.S.

answers from Dallas on

I totally agree with Alexis K . You need to just love and support your daughter and she'll work out the issues with her friends. She'll find her place in life. The world needs leaders and those who can take charge as much as it needs those who enjoy following orders. God Bless her. She'll be just fine.

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E.S.

answers from Dallas on

Be clear about her behavior being unacceptable. I know you are worried about hurting her feelings, but making sure that she treats others appropriately is a very important lesson that she needs to learn now. You do not want her to go through her life without friends because you were too worried about her feelings to lay down the law. YOU are the one who needs to put a stop to this for her own good.

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M.W.

answers from Dallas on

Hi Pam, I also have a daughter that is a bit on the bossy side and we have had to talk to her about it when the occasion calls for it. Being a leader is a great quality to have, but I have to agree with Gretchen and Alison on this one... she needs to be taught how to speak and interact with other children so as not to alienate them. Leading is not getting your way all the time. I wish the best for you and your daughter. It sounds like you've done a wonderful job so far!

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S.M.

answers from Dallas on

What a tough situation! The only thing I can think of is to point out that right now, people are offended (I'm sure you can think of a better word) by her wanting to control the situation and take charge, but later in life those qualities may be a blessing and really beneficial to her. Remind her that everyone likes to make their own decisions and just because she is a natural leader, others want to lead as well. Maybe try to tell her how to compromise - like if she suggests they play Barbies, ask the other girl what she wants to do (like pretend they are going to a concert, etc.) Maybe you can do some role playing at home. Maybe you can supervise her playing and use a code word/phrase with her so she can be reminded to ask the other person what they want to do. Say somethink like "honey, I think your shoe is untied" as a code for stop and let someone else have a turn.

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