Dealing with Fear Issues

I didn't find the cat post, but there are people who do have a real fear of cats. I have and adult friend who has it. She has learned to control herself and not scream, but it is still a very visable fear for her. Yes, it seems that such a little thing, but it is very real to them. Have you thought about seeing a theropist since there has being such a BIG change in their lives recently?

J.,

I am responding as an adult who was a very afraid child. For awhile I wouldn't see my Grandfather who I loved very much until he removed his hat because it scared me. Most of what I was afraid of I grew out of but some of it has stayed with me. I have an anxiety disorder. My advice would be to talk with your pediatrician and/or a counselor to see how you can help and do not respond to your children with anger, that will only make them more afraid. My mom used to tell me to think of happy things when I was afraid and I would sing a little song to make me feel better.

J.,

Well, I think you know that some of the fears are stemming from Dad being gone. I'm going to leave that out of the equation and let you know how we have dealt with fears as they have come up with our 3 year old.

Thunderstorms - we make them cool. We actually will go out on our front stoop (covered) and let him see/hear the storm. And when thunder comes, we all yell, "Oh cool!". He loves them and now when he hears a boom of any kind he will say, "Thunder...cooooooool!"

Bugs - I'm a bug FREAK and I've really had to curb my fear in order to not instill it in our boys. So, again, bugs are cool. I let him touch the ants, try to catch the flies, look at the spiders. We also bought a big bug book that had a ton of pictures in it and we talk about all the bugs and what they do, where they live blah blah blah. He loves bugs.

Other scary things - for example we went to the Halloween store last night and he was afraid of the HUGE (like 8 ft) skeletons and called them the "scaries". So, after he played in the store and we looked for costumes we brought him over to the "scaries" and tried to get him to touch it. I touched it, Dad touched it and even his little brother (1 yr old) touched it. We told him that they aren't scary, but pretend. No, he never touched them but on the way home announced that he wanted to. And when he woke up this morning he told me that he wanted to "touch the scaries".

That being said, some fears are real. Our older son is afraid of heights. I talked to his doctor about it and he said that it's real to him so we have to use caution with it. We can't dismiss it as nothing, but we should try to encourage him to be careful, hold on to railings and walk slowly when he's nervous. We have and he's growing out of it, slowly.

Since your case may have some special circumstances, I would give the doctor a call and see what they think. I hope it works out for you.

Good luck.

(Oh, and I'd take the cat in a second, but we have two German Shepherds that would not accept her in the home.)

Please get your kids and yourself to a good couselor. If you cannot afford one there are plenty of great places that handle this for free or on a sliding scale. Our church has a free councelor who is great! This is atough time for you and them ( been there myself several years ago and yes we are still married so there are times when it works out) please do not let anyone tell you that fears like his will just go away they can be the beginning of OCD if the emotions behind them are not handled andthe children are left to deal with their emotions alone.

Maybe by seeing you touch the things they fear and explain that that your not afraid can help. Explain why they shouldn't be fearful. The one thing to remember that in there eyes these are significant things. By telling them that they aren't may make them feel like you don't understand how they feel. When my 3 year old freaks out about something I try to first see the situation through her eyes. If she freaks about a bug we talk about the bug and will go online to learn about the bug. I know somethings you can't do that with (like a dust ball-sorry had to laugh at that one. the things kids fear!!) but maybe make up a funny story about the. Good luck!!!

J.~ My son went through "pick a fear" I called it. He was much younger, however. He was at the end of 2 and into 3 (he's 4 1/2 now). I don't suppose there is a "magic" age for being afraid of eveything. It was so frustrating he was afraid of the drain, the ceiling fan, the closet, a hole in the wall at church, thunder.... The fears seemed to last forever at the time, but really only lasted a few weeks. Some worse than others. I guess we just comforted him and tried our best to make him feel safe with everyday things. We treated it as real fears, but were very frustrated on the side! I understand the blood pressure thing. I still shutter when the call for thunder during the night! I'm sure it has something to do with Daddy being gone. My kids always feel more safe when Daddy is home. He's a firefighter, so he's NOT home every night. I have to prove to them I am strong and can handle keeping them safe. Unfortunately that means hiding my fears until the storm is past and they are in bed or squashing the bug even if it's big and wiggly! I wish you luck! It's hard to be both mom and dad sometimes. I hope it passes quickly. I'd run it past your ped. at the next appointment too. It can't hurt.

Children pick up our energy like radar. So it comes down to finding ways so that YOU feel less fear. You might check out Emotional Freedom Techniques on emofree.com. It involves tapping on different places on your head & body to help clear emotions. It's compared to accupuncture but without needles. It can be a lifesaver AND you can teach it to your kids!

I think every child goes through some kind of phase where they are afraid of something. My neighbors daughter, whom I watch, was afraid of leaves about six months ago. She would scream at the top of her lungs when I leaf blew by. I would physically drag her to the leaf and make her pick it up. I would hold one and then make her hold one and show her it was just a leaf and nothing to be afraid of. She got over it in about two or three days. Her brother would freak out over flies. He thought every flying bug was a bee. I finally had to start fussing at him a bit about screaming like a girl. Then I started showing him that I would hold bugs and that some are good and some are bad, but most won't bother you if you just leave them alone. Every time a sugar bee would come around I would show how it would fly around me, but if I just ignored it it would fly away. It took about a month or two, but he's over his flying bug fear. I really had to just demand that he calm down...same with my own girls.

They know that some bugs are good and some are bad and that they should ask me first, but they will typically pick up bugs now. We pick up worms, grasshoppers, moths, and so forth. I have all the neighbor kids doing it.

I found that the little guy I watch was freaking out because his mom would freak out and then she would pet him and console him when he had an encounter with a bug. She finally started taking my lead and telling him to calm down and stop screaming like a baby. It was just a bug and he would be fine. She, of course, had to calm down too. It worked though.

My youngest daughter has a fear of the dark now. I walk in a dark room with her and make her turn on the light and we look around and talk about how nothing is there. She's about over it. I point out to her that she will walk in the dark in the middle of the night to get mommy if she wakes up and she's not afraid.

Hi J.,
Like you, I am hoping it is just a phase. My daughter is 3, and we have had no major changes in the household recently. However, she is suddenly afraid of bugs (has nightmares about them), trains, hair, etc. That said, it's fair to say she's never really liked hair (as in a stray hair on the floor or something), but her reaction has intensified. She's never liked bugs, but never disliked them either. Trains she used to LOVE, and now they're scary. I'm not particularly fond of bugs, but have made every effort to touch them, not react negatively towards them, or anything else to make her panic. I am hoping this is just a phase. With the other things, I think she is just experimenting with what gets her attention, so I try to tell her simply that there's nothing to be afraid of and why, and then just let it go. With my daughter's personality, I think the less drama the better.

Anyway, hopefully nightmares aren't in your future, because they aren't fun. I think once things settle down for you, your kids behavior will become clearer (as in what's a genuine fear, and what's not), and you'll be able to deal with it like a pro.

Best of luck!