Dealing with Toddler

It sounds like she is desperate for attention.... can the mom get her involved in everyday activities so instead of getting a specified amount of her mom's time each day perhaps she just does the activities that mom needs to do with her... she can learn to dust or help with dishes.. or whatever so she's part of mom's day and yet mom can still get things done.

I'd also consider diet or needing food as another option.. perhaps she's sensitive to food dyes or artificial flavors or colors?

With all that said, my sister's daughter is 6 and does some of these things.. she was diagnosed on the autism spectrum.. sometimes nothing works for her behavior and she'll lash out if she's angry or regress into babyland.

There is no way I would allow this child to get away with it when good measures have been tried and exhausted. If time out in her room doesn't work and it was HOPEFULLY tried with consistency (key word) maybe---sorry to have to say it, ladies---a good quick swat on the patoot will be effective. I know everyone thinks that's horrible, but it doesn't crush their delicate little psyches and it will take them by surprise. They don't expect it, it breaks the current bad behavior, and if followed up by time out where they can cry about it and then mom explains why, and that although the behavior is bad mom still loves her, give a hug, and get on with positive stuff. Mom has to get through that it won't be tolerated, and if she doesn't like getting a swat, then maybe she shouldn't be hitting either. I would get mom to start watching Supernanny as much as possible. Great ideas there.

If she has been working on this problem for a while she has probibly used some of these or at least heard of them... But just incase...

I am assuming that from your post she was the sole center of her mommas last 2 years. And now it is being exasperated by the fact that there is another munchkin vying for the attention.
Has this girl EVER played by herself? As an Infant? Some people are hard wired to be social while others are hard wired to be loners. If the momma is worried about any delays or emotional issues then maybe a dr would be in order... But I also think that drs blow some things out of proportion and try to medicate for EVERYTHING...
It may sound odd, but we always "practice". Lets use going to church as an example. You can't expect young kids to sit still for any amount of time if they never have to. So we set aside a few minutes daily and the kids get books and have to sit on the sofa (quietly) and read their books.
So, your friend can turn it into a game. You sit here while I sit here. You play with your toys while I read the mail. When I'm done... We will play.start with just one letter, then thru the weeks try to lengthen the time.
(here is where some may want to turn your eyes 'cause this is where it will start to get contrevertial)...
What is YOUR reaction when she hits your child? Do you stand by and let the mom deal with it or do you step in and snatch that hand off your child and get down on eye level with her and tell her firmly NO! you do not hit. Time out for you! Some people may think that correcting other peoples children is a big nono, but you can not be in 6 places at once! If your child is doing something OBVIOUSLY wrong (like running for a major roadway) and you arn't easily accesible to stop them NOW wouldn't YOU want someone to step in and bring the offense to light (or physically stop them)? Maybe this child has never been confronted by someone outside of her comfort zone.
(note: when I say spanking in this next section I do not mean beating. There is no emotion involved in it. It is a thought out justified punishment.)
I personally do condone spanking with conditions. If my child would take off running purposely towards a major road that would for sure get them a swat. I only pull out the spanking card for INTENTIONAL and DANGEROUS behaviour.
It may sound bad. But as children you HAVE to train them. Training begins and ends with consistancy. If you say NOW... it means NOW and if they don't move that means YOU have to go move them to where you were when you said come here NOW!. (I never get to 3, If I call you and you arn't moving by one, I'm moving by 2...)She is testing her boundries on a continual basis. I do not know what boundries your friend has set up or how consistant she is with them. But that is the BEDROCK of behavior. Knowing your boundries and what the expectations are.
My kids know that they can play and have fun... But if momma sees something and calls you, YOU COME. If I have to get YOU, YOUR fun stops. Time outs or going home.

There are many things that are not told in this post. Does mom/ punisher get on the child eye level when speaking with her. DOes she maintain eye contact? Physical contact? Point? yell?
The reason for the eye contact is so YOU know they are paying attention. At first she may have to remind the child where to look. (I snap my fingers at MY eye level and say "Eyes" while kneeling down to their eye level.) EVERY time they look away. I do not speak unless I am staring into their engaged eyes. Also maintain physical contact. Not squeezing arms or anything. But kneel down and place a hand on top of their hands or on thier shoulder or even pull them into the crook of your arm, say your piece while maintaining eye contact then Hug them. (that makes sure your not Pointing accusitory at the child)

I would say I've experienced similar with my daughter... hard to say for sure if it is the same unless really experiencing it...
I am actually a parenting educator and deal with these types of issues quite frequently in classes and individuals. If it has been an ongoing problem for this long, I would suggest that she try to attend a class to learn as much as she can about these behaviors and the best ways to help curb them. I have one coming up in Clarkston at the end of the month, and then some teleclasses scheduled in February and March. They are very affordable between $50-$100 for 6-7 weeks> let me know if you'd like more info

Your friend's daughter needs to be checked by a physician. Empathy should kick in about this time, even a little bit. If she has had this behavior since she was 1 years old, there has to be a reason for it, is she hyper, or just difficult to control? Is it only with the mom, or every adult? I agree not to have your child around her until her behavior changes. This may not change until she is put into a school situation where she is not the only child and such behaviors are not tolerated. In the meantime, it sounds like she has her hands full just trying to keep her safe. That requires a firm stance with limited boundaries. When my toddlers did something that could cause them harm, I made a very big deal of it immediately so they would remember not to do it again. Of course, they did, but my reaction was the same and it was never done more than twice. The adults she spends times with may want to pool together and look at how they are treating her to make sure it is consistent, and not inadvertently adding to the chaos.

My son is the same way but since he turned 3, things are calming down a bit. The most important thing is consistency.

Since she has tried everything personality wise, she may consider what her diet is like, the cleaners she uses, and maybe she has allergies.

We know as adults that when we don't feel good we can be cranky. Basically our physical health impacts our mental health, right?

If she is interested, I provide personal nutrition consultations. I provide these over the telphone and in person. She can email me at ____@____.com Beth

Children are often asking for things without talking, parents have to become detectives to figure them out, ie, when they are sick we just have to know, they don't tell us, this behaivior seem quite the same, her needs are somehow not being met, tho I'm sure the parents have tryed. Is the child home with mom all day? I would try a good day care program, 1 to 3 days a week, mabie later go to 5 days a week, children have lots of energy, and no outlet. Also very hard to concentrate on the 2 yr with a new baby. She will need time to adjust to the day care, but in time will look forward to attending. Best of luck, and I would keep play dates to a minium, until the issue is addressed, your son will pick up on the behaivior.

All this advice is good - I would also investigate whether this child gets enough sleep and has a routine that way. I can tell you from my own experience with a "spirited" three and a half year old boy that sleep is key with him - it is almost like he is another person when he is well-rested. I am continually amazed at how much sleep really affects every aspect of family life - this is something no one prepares you for, before kids!

Suggest that your friend contact Early On for a developmental screening to make sure all the emotional/social developmental milestones are on time/on target. There are some red flags in your post that indicate the need for ruling out any developmental delays.

The only thing I can say is I would not subject my child to hers. If that means you don't see your friend then that's what it means. Or you can simply tell her that you would love to get together with her but not with the children. Good Luck.

You've had some good advice here but I haven't heard anyone mention there might be underlying issues here. If your friend has delt with this for a long period of time without any sucess then I would suggest she contact your local school and have her daughter evaluated for developmental difficulties. School evaluations are free. From what you've told me it sounds like (at the very least) she may have ADHD. It also sounds like she isn't being stimulated enough. You've described a few of my boys' charachteristics and all three of mine are ADHD with other impairments as well. I don't want to scare you (or your friend) but I would strongly suggest she be evaluated. It may be something as simple as acting out from frustration. Tell your friend to reach out for help now vs. later. The earlier the intervention (if it's needed) the better results she will get. If they find nothing then they will at least be able to give your friend some sugestions for dealing with her daughter and/or free local support groups/organizations. Email me if you (or your friend) want to chat more. S.

Sounds like she wants and needs a lot of attentions. I would say that play dates would be a great idea for her. Let her interact with children her own age (supervised of course) and make sure there are specific activities planned so her hands are busy being active and not bullying. I think arts and crafts would be good if going outside isnt an option. She could also try imagination things like puppet shows or something like that so that she steps out and can become her own person.

The child seems like she could do other things like building and things of that nature. Maybe the mom and she could garden together or plant seeds in cups. They can talk about how things grow and interact in other ways.

I think that maybe you could suggest a video on bullying. They have some at Agape stores for sure (I just saw some there over Christmas). Its a Christian bookstore that has this series called Boz so if she doesnt mind the spiritual aspect, it could help a lot.

Well, I hope this helps! If that doesnt work, put her in boxing or karate and learn discipline that way. Maybe shes the next Ali or Jackie Chan... :)

Hello-I don't know exactly how to advise your friend to deal with her daughter. I DO know that Love & Logic is a wonderful tool for dealing with 'tough' children. My husband and I took a 8-week course on it (we have a strong-willed 3 1/2 yr. old)!! There are MANY books written by Jim Fay-all dealing with Love & Logic. It'd be something for your friend to look into!! It's supposed to be VERY effective for troublesome children. My daughter isn't near as bad as your friends-she is just more mature than her age and she knows it. L&L deals with giving these type of children 'choices' to make, so they feel they are in charge!! It's a place for your friend to start. Good Luck to her...and you as a friend.