Discipline for a Toddler

Let me just start off by saying she very much does understand what you are saying. I started time out at 17 months and it works like a charm. My little man started hitting and I relized he thought it was funny and I had to change it. So I started by getting a time out mat and sat down with him and told him if he doesn't listen to mommy then he will have to sit on the time out mat.when he did something wrong I would warn him not to do it again or he would be on time out. Then if he did it was straight to the mat. It took two times of time out taking him back and forth then he would just sit there until I came and got him.but the first few time outs are hard cause you just keep taking them back.
He's 1 so he only sits there for 1 min. Then I sit on the floor in front of him and tell him why he had to sit there and then he says sorry mommy. Then all is well. They are smarter then we think.

I am going through the same thing with my 2 year old son. I'd love to know what people are suggesting!

Hi D.,

While I know it can be frustrating, your daughter is doing exactly what she should be doing. She doesn't have the vocabulary (or insight) to express what she is feeling, so she us using her behavior. When she hits you, rather than discouraging her from hitting, try to redirect her towards something she can hit (a pillow, the floor, etc.) Hitting something gives us a release that hugging does not. Honor her need to do this. There is nothing wrong with it.

The same is true for the tantrums. She throws tantrums as a way of expressing that she doesn't want whatever it is that you are offering. Rather than punishing her for that (i.e. naughty chairs and the likes), acknowledge to her that you understand what she is feeling. You will find that, when she feels like she is understood, she will not have the need to resist.

Imagine if you were in a foreign country and didn't speak the language. Imagine the frustration as you tried to communicate something that no one understood.

I have a number of articles about this subject on my website www.GilaBrown.com and if I can be of any further help, feel free to call or email.

Be well,
G. B., M.A.

Hello D.,

When my 8 year old was 17 months he use to slap me and my husband, I would tell him that it was not nice and that it hurt mommy or daddy and I would hit him on his hands and he would start laughing so hard he looked soooo cute. But actually he stop doing it on his own, I just couldn't get mad at him when he use to laugh, he would look so cute and maybe he thougt it was cute. Just be patient and enjoy her, they grow fast.

When I read through your request... I 'thought' you were talking about a "toddler" child that was 2+ years old, because of your wording and expectations from your child...then I realized, your child is only 17 months old.

Here are some links:
http://www.whattoexpect.com/toddler/17-month-old.aspx
http://www.babycenter.com/0_your-17-month-olds-physical-d...
http://www.babycenter.com/0_your-17-month-olds-social-and...
http://www.babycenter.com/0_your-15-month-olds-language-a...
http://parenting.ivillage.com/tp/tpbehavior/0,,71g0,00.html

Setting boundaries "fast" and then having a child actually "do" them... are not congruent. It won't happen, in tandem. It takes a toddler and entire toddler-hood to become adept at rules and 'expectations' and even Teens don't do it!

Just keep things age appropriate. Kids are not little adults... their cognition and emotions and impulse control are not even "fully" developed yet at this age, and won't be for a few years.

And yes, they think we are "funny" when we scold them or when they hit us... most YOUNG children do. At this age... "feelings/emotions" are ABSTRACT concepts... they don't have it 100% understood yet... nor do they know the full range of emotions yet nor the accompanying voice intonations & facial expressions for everything yet. But at least be assured, your girl thinks its funny... better to have that than a child that has "fear" and fearful reactions to everything that is told to her. THAT would be a bigger problem.

And the "mine..." exclamations ARE age appropriate, so be glad. A child Development specialist once told me "I would be worried if a child didn't go through the "mine" stage... it would mean the child is not developing on par..." Every thing a baby/child/toddler/big kids goes through... is largely developmental based.

MOST ALL kids go through the hitting/pulling hair/biting/pushing stage. Its part and parcel to their ages & stages and cognitive growth.
DON'T worry... your girl is normal... there will be MANY more stages and phases and what not. This is just the beginning.

But do NOT worry, because they naturally grow out of this phase too. Really.

All the best,
Susan

Some of the best advice I got from a child development specialist(my daughter had "passionate" tantrums)was that too many times we are telling our children don't do that or this. We never tell them what we can do. Since she is young, it will not happen over night, but what I learned to do was when my daughter was calm, we would talk about anger and frustration in very basic terms. We would then talk about what we can't do with the frustration and what we can do. My daughter, now 5, will go into her room when she starts to feel that boiling feeling and breathes. It is so funny when she comes out and says "I have breathed and I feel better now". When she was doing the hitting and screaming, I would stay calm and keep reminding her that it was unacceptable behavior. All play and attention would stop until she got herself under control. The specialist told me to always protect people and things and stay consistent and calm. Stay strong, it will get better as she matures.

You are a great mommy! I know some people who do time-outs, but I agree with you--I just don't see how a little toddler could understand that. My daughter is 21 months and there's no way she would comprehend a time out. What I have done:

1) Distraction--offer her something she CAN do instead

2) Natural consequences--if she throws a toy or dumps out the Cheerios, she has to pick up... of course she won't want to, so I guide her--that is, move her body towards the toy or hold her in place next to the toy/Cheerios until she complies...she can't leave until she does it

3) Explain why--when she hits me or pulls my hair in jest/to be funny, I ask her to stop and briefly explain that it hurts. When she has to put the pacifier/lovey in bed but doesn't want to, I help her put it away and explain that it stays there so it will be there at bedtime tonight.

4) Tandem time-out--I remove her from the source of aggravation/go into a different room, get face to face at eye level with her, and explain the problem and an acceptable alternative (for example, when she is screaming b/c the other kid won't give up a toy I would say "taking the toy out of someone else's hands is not okay, you have to wait till he is done with it or play with something else"). It is different from being isolated in a corner or naughty chair because you/parent are with her--the point is to deescalate the raw emotion AND teach good behavior. Making her sit alone will not teach her because she does not yet have the cognitive ability to reflect on her actions and think logically about it.

As for the "nooo miiine" I'd bet that she's just practicing pronouncing and expressing herself. Based on the context I agree with you that she doesn't know what it means. When she throws those tantrums, be strong and don't give in--make her calm down before you agree to her she wants IF it is reasonable to you, and just say "no, no, no..." if it is not reasonable. She will learn that you mean what you say if you don't give in and say yes after saying no.

You seem to understand your daughter's needs so keep up the good work mommy!

17 months is young, but you can show her what you want her to do. She doesn't have all the words and appropriate actions to communicate her feelings so help her- tell her simple words that express her feelings and then have her practice saying them. Take her hands and have her react differently when she is inclined to hit. You may want to instate a time out for hitting. Just hold her with her arms down, facing away from you- firmly so it isn't play time, and count to 10 or 15 or 20. And then let her go and start playing.

A great parenting blog is: http://heartpondering.wordpress.com/

C., mother of 3, sleep consultant, sleep blog writer www.lullabyluna.com

My lil 19 month peanut is doing a bit of the hitting too. When she does that with me I say no in a disapproving voice and then take her hand and gently rub the area she hit (like my face!) and show her how to touch me nicely while saying "nice" in an approving tone. I'm always trying to reinforce the behavior I want vs reinforcing the behavior I don't want. When she has a tantrum, I let her and say I'm sorry you're frustrated, I'm right here when you need me. (i feel like a nut being so communicative to such a tiny one, but think it will work well as a habit for me to communicate with her in the future). While she's having the tantrum I do try to give her sparse attention, let he know I'm there and happy to hug her when she is ready, but not give attention to a behavior I don't want to reinforce. I do not hold her down or her arms down or restrain her in any way (if she was going to hurt herself, that may be required).

good luck!

she may not know your words. but she knows your tone. she knows your happy tone, and your sad tone, and your i'm angry tone. i started my daughter on time-out at 15 months. and when my tone of voice was hard and firm (not loud, yelling), she knows i mean business. if your daughter gives you a full-blown tantrum for time-out, just keep putting her back in her place, hands folded, nose to the wall, and don't lose your cool. just keep at it, it will take many, many...consistent effort, but in the end it will send her a clear message. don't underestimate how smart your child is. she is able to understand what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior by the tone of your voice, and the non-verbal cues you give her. LOOK her in the EYES (sternly) always..when you are teaching her and letting her know what is or isn't acceptable. she will look away, avoid your eye contact, but you move your head as much as you need to in order to maintain eye contact with her, so to let her know that you mean business.

Just so you know this is NORMAL! The naughty chair is awesome and it works with lots of repetition 2 min. quiet time right when it happens. Explain when you hit you get a time out. You said in your letter that you don't think she understands, well I can tell you they understand even though they seem like little neanderthals. I am telling you even if this sound harsh if dog training works a time out works for a 2 year old. It works for me VERY WELL.

Aweseom Mom -- you get it!

She has an umet need and if you can figure it out, you can help her meet that need with a different tactic.

Until you can figure out the need, redirect her hitting to something she CAN hit. If she hits when you are holding her, warn her gently that you will put her down if she hits you, and then do it. And give her something she CAN hit -- a plush toy, the couch, etc. Explain that it is not OK to hit people, because hitting hurts, but that she CAN hit soft toys, etc.

If you want to read more on this, go to my blog:

Lots of Love,
Linda

www.RivieraPlaySchool.com

http://rivieraplayschool.blogspot.com/2009/05/on-biting.html

I have an 18 month old who occasionally hits and bites and I've tried to do a blend of what's been suggested; redirect her to something else that she can bite or hit (soft toys, pillows, etc.), let her know it hurts and respond with a stern voice and not a playful happy look on my face so as to discourage the behavior and I have started putting her in timeout. the timeout is not in her room or in her crib but an area we have gated off that leads to the garage. I tell her no hitting/no biting when I put her in time out and then usually in 30 seconds or less I pull her out, ask her again no hitting/biting and we go and play with something she can do instead. I have to pick and chose which behaviors to do this with otherwise she'd be in timeout all the time (climbing on the dining room table, pulling at floor laps, climbing on the couch and grabbing blinds, pulling the cats tail, etc.) so I pick the major ones that really hurt us or her and timeout those and redirect and model appropriate behavior on the others. I think she does understand what a timeout is and I've even told her to stop doing something or I'll put her in timeout and she looks at me and stops. I always follow it up with "you can do __ instead". I too validate her feelings, I get it that she's frustrated and doesn't have the language yet, but does have the comprehension, so it's actually a fairly nice interaction between us. Good luck, I think remembering that this is pretty normal and typical behavior for this age will help your patience and frustration too.

I have the same problem and no clue on how to get my 20 mnth old to stop :(

My son, who is now 4, went through the same thing. Each and every time he would hit anyone, we would hold both of his hands. We would tell him that hands are not for hitting and that he couldnt have them back unless he was going to use them to be nice. He fought us to get away, but he wasnt being hurt, just mad. It took awhile, but it works and its on their level.

Good luck,
D.

Hi D.. I think you may be underestimating the itelligence of your child. My 15-month-old has understood what time-out means, since she was about 10 months old; this is because I decided to try it since early on, and realized I was getting results. She also began arching her back and having mini-trantrums very young, and I started to get a little concerned. Also, although yelling is not the approach to take, a strong firm "No" should also do it. Children understand agree tones since they are about 3 months old; especially if she is used to hearing your sweet and caring voice. All children are different, so you have to mold yourself to their tempers and reactions, but being a firm and strong mom, does not make you are a mean one. Children this age, need to feel love through at least some sort of discpline; it gives them a sense of security.

As far as the other temper tantrums and "no, mine" response from her, again, a change from your "honey, please" to a strong "stop" or "no" while looking directly into the child's face, will yield better results. There is a time to be sweet and a time to be firm, to ensure that our children grow up healthy but also under control. :) Hope this helps!

D. C

I know many of the mothers giving advice will give many thoughts and ideas. I personally used an old fashioned swat on the butt (which is legal) and a stern "NO" and continued this approach. It worked well for me. I hope this helps.

My 18 mo old is doing the same thing. I hold his hands and firmly say "Don't hit mama". It usually never stops there so the 3rd hit, I started to put him in time out. I stay pretty close becasue he usually doesn't stay seated. I'm there to make sure he does. After 1 minute, I repeat myself and hug. It's been improving.

The way you have responded is appropriate. Your daughter does know what you are saying to her. So, you can give her the language (though she may not use right away) that expresses feelings, like "sad" :tired" "hungry" "frustrated" "happy" etc.

One way to stop a tantrum before it begins is to pay attention to what she needs/wants. In other words, is she upset because she wants something and can't communicate it to you or is she having trouble transitioning from one activity to the next? If she is not communicating, teach her some key sign language, like "drink" "eat" "potty" "mom" "hug" "tired" "play" etc. If it's transitions, give her some support like, "You have 10 minutes to play and then we're going to the store" and then in 5 minutes say "5 minutes of play left before we go to the store" and at the 1 minute mark, prompt her again "We're going to the store in 1 minute." If you have a timer, it's easier to be consistent.

Best of luck,
F.

My son went through this for a few months when he was about that age. When he got mad or did not like what I said to him he would hit me (and he only did this to me). What worked for me was holding his hands and telling him I know you are mad/up set but you may NOT hit. I used a stern voice. It took a little but seemed to work. Basically I validated that he was mad and that it was ok for him to be mad, but it was not ok to hit. Hope this helps.

I have a 17 month old daughter. and I think she understands a time out.If she hits me I giver her a firm "NO" and if she does it a second time she gets put in her crib right away. she doesnt hit me very often any more. They are way smarter and understand more than you think.

You have a lot of good advice already and I want to repeat that this is very normal. My son used to hit me, especially when he was tired. I would hold his hand down and firmly tell him "no, that it hurts mommy". If he continued (and someone else was in the room) would tell him I had to leave (and as a bonus get a little break). There are a lot of things you can do, but be firm. My sister never says no to her daughter and tries to explain things to her in a sweet soft voice. Needless to say, my niece still hits and bites at 3 because she knows she can get away with it.

Have you read the book "Boundaries With Kids" by Dr. Henry cloud and Dr. John Townsend? They have both a book and a workbook that are excellent.