Discipline of 12 & 10 Year Old Boys

If there are no consequences for staying the same way, they will stay the same way.
Try the book, "Have a new Kid by Friday" by Dr. Kevin Lehman.

Let her know what you think, and maybe she will tell him.Hopefully that will wake him up. You may be divorced but when YOU BOTH had these boys you were together and will always be as their parents---he should know this and understand that wife #2 is not their mother and any problems will be discussed with him in dealing with the children. If there should become a legal problem because of something that the boys do he would also be involved---------.

I read some of the other people's answers also and agree with Glenna about talking with the boys.

One solution to the yelling problem is to become purposefully very quiet with your children. You have trained them to only listen to you when you are upset and yelling and you need to change the pattern. Getting their attention and respect is the main order of business and you already know this isn't happening if you are constantly angry and yelling. Think about what your children respond to and how you can get your message across to them. Boys this age sometimes have a hard time communicating with you unless you are engaged in a side-by-side activity together. What hobbies do they have? What can you do with them to get out of the routine of telling them what to do, them ignoring and you losing your cool? ..they've got the power when this happens, by the way, and they are counting on the distraction to get out of whatever it is that they're being asked... www.nogreaterjoy.org has some good resources for child training. Before you can discipline you need to reach their hearts. Try doing activities (beyond homework) and engage in conversation (could be as easy as taking walk (or bike ride...or skateboard...or cook together or tennis...or swim or...laser tag with a soda after or read a book together (try the Hobbit & Lord of the Rings...its better than the movie when read aloud, and is very long, more time together:) ) or ? You know your guys, you can come up with something to change the atmosphere.

You are awake and working for a very long time during the day. You didn't say what your bedtime is but if there is a way to take a nap sometime during the day, you might be amazed how that helps your ability to deal with the issues your children have, even though they are considerably older than toddlers one still needs to be rested to help them with their needs.

Enjoy the journey! :)

As a single mom raising children - your children are old enough to understand they need to be involved in the household routine to make it work.

I would suggest you set up chore charts - perhaps by involving the boys initially and get their input, it would be a smoother transition. They should be responsible for homework, some housework, laundry, pets, grocery lists, etc. You can decide what is needed / not needed around the house to help you. All of these things are life skills they will need when they leave home.

Give this process 90-120 days and see what happens. If it goes well, you need to consider what the reward is and what on going rewards will be (sports, outings, day trips, etc). If there is not a change, maybe consider family counseling (how did the boys handle the divorce and remarriage?), or consider letting the boys live with Dad for a while.

To be honest, at that age it was hard. The thing that worked best for me was constant supervision... It's h*** o* the parent, but great in the end, and it works both ways. If I had to help them clean their room, then they had to help me equal time in my room. If they refused to help, I just took away all tv and game remotes until they did. The first month I literally had to stand by their side and "show" them how... now they just do it! Remember... it takes 30 days to make a habit...

Try www.flylady.net It's wonderful. It seems to be a site for cleaning your house, but it's really a site for cleaning your life!! Her ideas really helped me get my boys involved a lot more, and now we work better together.

Make it fun for them, too. We created "commercial quickies". When we watch TV, and a commercial comes on, we have a list of things we can do in that time. Unload the dishwasher, water the plants, load the dishwasher, switch laundry to dryer, pick up clothes on the floor, take shoes to rooms, etc. There's a TON of things you can do in 3-4 minutes! We make it a race, and whoever wins the most races gets to pick a movie to rent on the weekend. (or some other reward... you'll make their favorite dinner, etc.)

Hope this helps!

Make a chart with each kids name on it. List what you want each child to do. Also, list the consequences. For example, not taking the trash out or bringing the can up, no tv. Or whatever you feel is appropiate. But you MUST follow through. It will be difficult at first but after awhile, it will get better.

Next problem, the ex and the new Mrs. I would talk with the boys, ask how it is over at their father's house. They might be feeling abandoned by their dad. Especially if you are being told that you need to go through the wife regarding everything. You are in a sticky situation regarding that. However, I believe that if you get your home in order there won't be so much chaos. Kids do want limits. Good luck!!!

I am currently taking a class that involves the book "Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours". It has been a great read...I haven't read the chapters on Teens yet...and it seems like your boys are almost at that age range.

It has helped me stop yelling so much and being a calmer less upset all the time parent.

It teaches that disciplining your children and punishing them are two different things. Also, like the previous person wrote that they have consequences for their actions.

Sending you a hug...this parenting thing is so hard!!

Alicia,
You're in a tough situation, but you can do this. :) It is a shame that the boys father is not doing more as a parent, but you can only be responsible for yourself and unfortunately, this makes it harder for you. First of all have a talk with yourself and realize that these are your precious children and it's your job to raise them to be productive, responsible adults with or without their dad's help. This may seem overwhelming at first, but you need to come up with a plan and stick to it no matter how tired you get. It will be difficult and exhausting, but it will pay off I promise.
Hold a family meeting and come up with ground rules. I would suggest making the rules together. Ask your sons what you do that is upsetting to them or is toxic to their relationship with you and then in turn explain to them what they do that is upsetting you or is toxic to your relationship with them. Write rules that are fair and respectful for everyone. (Ex: no yelling even when angry, no name calling or put downs, no disrespectful backtalk, asking for a 10 minute time out is allowed if someone is too angry in order to de-escalate, everyone is responsible for their "stuff", etc). During the same meeting come up with consequences for breaking the rules. They can help with this too and then it is easier to hold them accountable. They need to understand that it is everyones job to do their part to make a family and household run smoothly.

There are great books that can help you. You can turn this around and make your family a healthy, happy one!! Don't give up! Good luck to you and your sons.

I have 10 and 12 year old daughters. What works for us is taking away privileges when they don't listen, follow the rules, complete chores, etc. For the most part they are good but with the older one, taking away the cell phone at this point is a big deterrent (she just started using it quite a bit recently, for texting her friends). With the 10 year old (no cell yet), taking away TV and/or computer time is a good motivator. I am not single and I do not work outside the home so I know it is much, much harder for you. Are your boys alone after school? It may be difficult for them to transition from being on their own to having to listen to 'the boss' telling them what to do. Perhaps if you had a written contract stating what needs to be done by the time you get home, and the consequences for not fulfilling the terms of the contract, signed by you and by them, they would begin to take it seriously and get their acts together. Just a suggestion...hopefully I haven't repeated what anyone else has said. I didn't read all the responses. Best of luck!

I just wanted to say that you have some great advice.. Bless your heart for going through what you're going through and doing.. and realizing that you don't want to be that person.
It might be easier to work with the new wife than you think. I am the step-mom and I've pretty much always been the one to work with my husband's ex. It might take a while, but don't count it out.

Set a night aside to have a family talk, you and your boys. Let them know how you would like to have better quality time with them after work. On a poster board make three columns and label them 1. Our Home -Sharing in Making it Clean and Fun, 2. Our Family - Caring 3. Our Goals - Emotional, Physical and Mentally. Take them through each and let them brainstorm ideas on each, you might go ahead and , as the parent, assign a chore chart, add that when cooperation (without arguments) is completed, an individual or family reward will be chosen. Family - ask them to express things they enjoy, they might be bored, mad at dad, mad at mom, messed up from divorce and who knows, respect their open emotions and don't degrade, belittle or shame them. Ask how you can make things better and if it is in your power to do it, it will be granted. Create a cooking night, make homemade pizzas with a movie nite or popcorn, let them have a friend each over sometime and be part of their world by letting or taking them to skateboard parks, fishing and sports stores, walk the mall with them. Get to know their friends and friend's family. I am 58 , two girls with grandkids ages 13 (14 in Nov), three boys ages 12, 12, and 4....Best wishes..Oh, and allow yourself get away time, too. Coming home every day to the same routine can be weary at times, so treat yourself to a girl's nite out or quiet time in a nice restuarant. Get a trustworthy babysitter or ask Dad to watch them one night other than his time and you will be a better Mom to your boys when you are out from under the pressure cooker all the time. If the ex- is not an option without a hazzle,,,,don't consider him...you will know what is best. You will be fine.

First of all, wow.... I am kinda exhausted just reading that. (Sorry about the ex-husband, too. That sucks.)

You need to get yourself on a schedule, just for your own sense of peace. I know that you know that, but you really are the key to their discipline right now. It's not so easy with children, but they are old enough for you to keep them from "interrupting" your peace. If they don't give you homework when you ask for it, make them wait. Get them up early in the morning once you've had time to rest. Teach them that the world is not revolving around their schedule. If there is a permission slip that they don't give you in time, then they miss the event. If they need certain supplies and don't tell you until it's too late, then they do without until you can get it. That's how we do it in my house. That's how they learn to get with the program. At 10 and 12, they are old enough. I don't know how to police the TVs in the bedrooms because we don't allow TVs in the children's bedrooms. TV and computer are downstairs and require permission.

Do you share a bathroom with the boys? When they mess up the bathroom, don't let them go to bed or do anything else until it's clean. Regarding the trash cans, if you tell the boys that you expect them to bring them in before they settle into relaxing or whatever and they don't, come in and turn off all TVs and anything else recreational for the rest of the evening. Don't let that keep you from enjoying your evening, though. Fix yourself dinner and eat it casually. Read a book. Take a bath. Teach them that their behavior will not dictate yours, but it shall dictate how their evening will go. Recreational things are OPTIONAL, and they DO NOT have a RIGHT to them. You already know that being consistent is KEY. People who enjoy the perks do so after their work is done. If they dare to ask you why you get to do something when they can't, simply tell them that you do your work and earn the right to play.

we had chores heres what was done. three of us were assigned a certian chore each month, one laundary (just carry dirty clothes to the laundary room) one trash, empty all trash cans and took them to the street on trash day brought them back after emptyed. - that one you need to still stay ontop of because i frogot what day it was all the time. one had dishes duty, fill the dishwasher,run it any left over dishes that wouldnt fit properly in the dishwasher had to be hand washed, wipe down all counters and stove. at ten and twelve you will still have to supervise them. we each got five dollars for the week. simple chores still need to be watched over. momstoped washing our clothes regularly around 13 so i washed my own clothes. teaching them life skills. if there zoned out on the computer, viedo games, those can easly be taken away. help them do some chores at the same time most of these chores should only take a mins todo if you all work together. change your mind about being frustrated, realize how blessed you are, become greatful for the things you have...if it takes you thinking about what others dont have...i do this alot when i see others getting new things and feel dirt poor...look around and realize how very blessed i truly am. good luck.

One thing I have read in several posts regarding children lately is that you must use POSITIVE reinforcement and not NEGATIVE reinforcement. Yelling and correcting a child all the time only creates negative attention and then that is all they know so they act out to get it. Try to give them Kudos for the small good things they do (I appreciate you getting out of bed the first time I called you this morning, brushing your teeth without me telling you to, turning the TV off when you were done watching it, etc.). Even though some of these things are things you would normally expect them to do anyway - praise them for it. Eventually they will prefer the positive attention more than the negative attention and maybe you will turn it around. However, I do agree that kids now days are spoiled and think they are entitled to everything. So don't hesitate to start fresh (take away all priviledges and toys) and have the earn them back. Even by doing small things or just getting along.

You are in a tough situation for sure and kudos to you for doing it. Just don't let your frustration at their father carry over to them. One more thing that you might think is crazy - you might try getting to know the stepmom - you might find that you like her more than you think and its easier to talk to her than him. My relationship with my husbands ex started out that way because they could not communicate at all. The first couple of years were not always easy but we became "one happy extended family" and our kids (now grown) have said many times that it made such a difference in their lives.

Okay, you may not like my response...but, get the new stepmom on board. She will be your best ally. I'm not saying that you have to be friends, but be civil and take the high road and call her first for something that might be coming up.

I guarantee it will be for "your" best interest not to mention my just irk your ex-husband.

Good luck
Debra

Hi Alicia
Bless you. Raising boys that age is difficult at best- and when you add the added issue of divorce and the new step mom it just layers on.
Boys this age are naturally "defiant" and a little rebelous even under the best circumstances. You can change this- but it will really take a HUGE change in you first.
try this- sit down with them ......make a list of the most important chores around the house that really need to be done daily.....let each one choose which ones they would like to help you with. and explain to them how important it is for them to help...how much you depend on them for the little things- make them feel really important...... but before they make their choices..try to figure out what they like to do best- movies,. skating, whatever- then plan that with them- but only after the chores have been completed for the week....... it is more important at this juncture in their lives that they have time with you rather than you doing chores- this may make them feel just a little left out.......and at the end of the day what they will remember is that you spent your time with them- play board games- what ever........ If they like ball games- do that with them- housework is important and a tidy clean house is important too- but their emotional wellfare is more important at this age in their lives.
We all have heard how hard it is when parents divorce and the new step mom in the picture just adds to their frustration.
hold your ground- you are right- you did not have these boys with her and he is their father- speak only to him until you all three have a better relationship. Because he has made the choice to spend most of his time with the new wife- surely the boys are aware of this and this is adding to their feeling of frustration- and taking it out on you.
You can remain calm- you can do this.... they are not adults and will not behave like adults but with your help and patience they will begin to see how much you love them and will begin to make efforts to keep calm in the house too. Even if there was a Daddy in the house it would not guarantee household harmony......just don;t sweat the big stuff and just be their friend- but the parent friend- and you will eventually win this battle-......just chose your battles carefully....... there is no really set pattern to raising that age boys----
good luck and blessings

First off, you need to set some boundaries. If you don't like yelling and screaming and coercion - you can bet that your sons hate it worse.

The first thing to do is have a family meeting. Really talk everything out, and everyone put their cards on the table. Their father or his new wife does not figure in to this discussion; because they don't live at the house with you. Don't look for him to carry out discipline or to set policy - YOU set policy & then you tell his wife or him that as a family you sat down together and this is what YOU & the boys agreed on and that you expect them to follow through with the agreed on plan.

They live in the house along with YOU. At 12 & 10 there are plenty of chores that they can do. Tell them that you are aware that you have been screaming and yelling and that you don't like that and know they don't either. This should be a time of open communication. A Chore list should be drawn up and they should be held to it. You can decide on an allowance or some kind of point system with some kind of reward at the end of a month or so. The boys could for instance: take out the trash; be responsible for keeping their rooms clean (items off the floor, laundry in the basket, dirty dishes placed in the sink, garbage cans emptied; they can wash & dry dishes & put them up - You might have a night where you all have a family dinner with each child & you divying up the items served - a special movie night...
The main thing is to be consistent. Decide on punishment and what types of behavior that punishment gets meted out for. Don't just give in to their suggestions - YOU are the adult; but kids can make decisions about proper behavior and this is the way they learn the art of compromise and the idea that there are some things that cannot be compromised on.
Again, your ex does not enter into this discussion at all. If he has abdicated all responsibility of his children to his new wife - he doesn't need to be involved.
Congratulations on recognizing that there is a problem. Count to 3 before yelling. If you must walk out of the room and gain control before speaking, do so. Don't be afraid to speak softly - just be consistent. When you say you are going to do something, do it. If you have agreed that this behavior gets this action do it everytime.... Thanks for being a good mom.

My heart goes out to you. The first question I have is what do you do for you? I say this because sometimes we are so wrapped up in trying to be the perfect mom, that we loose sight of our own personal needs. Now as to having two boys --they will test you, it is all part of growing up. Try having a family meeting. Let them know that you feel you should all pull together and when that happens, there can be a reward. For example set up a point system and when chores and homework are done without you having to ask more than once, they get a certain number of points. Each time you have to ask you deduct a point after the second request. The points can then be exchanged for a movie, bowling or some other thing they would love to do but you don't get to do often. When you feel the tension getting the best of you and it is something that is not going to harm the child--remove yourself from the situation for five minutes to calm down. You might also find a support group for single parents helpful.

Good luck.

P.

Wow, I would be upset too, if I was one of your boys. No wonder they are acting out. They are angry and don't know what to do. They need a father figure to keep them inline.

For your children's sake, be pleasant to the new wife. Be sure to do whatever it takes to get her to be an advocate for your boys. Ask her when it would work for her to let your husband be with his boys. Tell her that you know the best thing they need is the heavy hand of their dad at this age. Be very appreciative and understanding of where she is coming from. The sooner you win her over as an advocate, the better your boys will be. You will have to be the bigger person here. It is demeaning but it is for your boys and it sounds like you will do anything for them.

Have your boys make a chart of what is expected of them. Good behavior at school, home, chores, etc. If they both get a check in each box, then they get to do something fun on the weekend with a friend or you or their dad (pizza and a video or whatever). Both of them! They need to become a team to help each other when they just don't feel like it. They will say it's unfair but just remind them that they are a team and you know they will do great!

Can you have a family meeting? Explain to your boys that certain privilages (that you pay for) are not going to remain if you do not see certain behavior changes. I think that if you make the rules, and stick to them, you will be successful. You are the provider/parent, it is YOUR house. You make the rules. Good luck!

Don't give them the option of ignoring you. What are they doing when you tell them to do something and they don't? Take that away. No video games until homework and chores are done.

Sit them down at a family meeting and tell them how it is going to be from now on. Make a list of chores that you want done on a regular basis and have them take turns choosing what they want to do. Let them know the new rules and post them on the refrigerator if you feel you need to. They will resist, but stick to your guns and be consistent. That is they key!

Good Luck!

Go to the website for Love and Logic, they have AWESOME books, cds, on how to handle that age and teach them responsibility without breaking a sweat!

Love and Logic is an amazing book!