Do We Really Need a Lawyer?

Updated on May 20, 2008
S.W. asks from Henrico, VA
36 answers

My husband is filing for custody of his daughter from a previous relationship. To make a very long story as short as I can... Mom & Dad were never married, so technically, no one has legal custody of daughter. Recently, social services was called on Mom, and during the investigation, several issues were brought to Dads attention that forced him to make the decision to file for custody. Daughter has told several people, including Mom, Dad, and social worker, that she wants to live with Dad, but social services said they didnt find anything "illegal" so they ended their investigation and couldnt do anything. Mom & Dad have never been for any kind of custody hearing so this will be the first. Dad pays child support, and has Daughter covered by his health insurance. Mom tells Daughter that if she goes to live with Dad, then she will never see her again. Dad is trying mediation first, in hopes Mom will agree to let Daughter live with him, but a court date has been set.
My question... Do we really need a lawyer? We want one, but dont really have the money! I have had some people tell me we dont need a lawyer, but then Ive had others say the judge wont hear the case without one...

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So What Happened?

After debating for I dont know how long on whether we needed a lawyer or not, I wrote an email to our Pastor and asked him to pray for our family and my husbands daughter. I explained the situation, including the fact we could not afford a lawyer. He sent my email to a deacon in our church, and I received an email from the deacon letting me know he was a lawyer who specialises in child custody cases and wanted to help us!! We have a meeting with him next week!

Featured Answers

L.C.

answers from Washington DC on

YES!
If you really think it is in the best interest of the child to live with you then you absolutely need a lawyer. You know the mother will have one. Don't worry about the cost. You can always pay over time. What is more important? This little girl or the cash?

YMMV
LBC

1 mom found this helpful

F.P.

answers from Washington DC on

Get a lawyer. Anything can happen in the process. Things may appear to be smooth for now, but once you all get behind closed doors they could change.

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M.B.

answers from Washington DC on

In the state of MD whichever parent files for custody first gets custody of the child you may want to look into that. Hope all goes well!

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P.F.

answers from Washington DC on

Yes you do need to lawyer. The lawyer will make sure that everything is covered. It is nice to have someone with the knowledge to make sure that your interests are covered. You do not want any holes in the agreement. Also, a strong agreement lays the goundwork for everything else. It provides you with something to base your decisions and back you up if any issues should arise. My husband filed for custody of his 8yo daughter. He didn't have to go to court. The mother just signed over custody. We are thinking about revising his. I know it is costly (we paid about $3000 5 years ago), but in the end it is money well spent.

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C.F.

answers from Washington DC on

I recommend you get a lawyer.
I've heard far too many bad stories from folks who didn't get lawyers, and regretted it - haven't heard any yet from people who *did* get a lawyer.
Just make sure it is the *right* lawyer for you, that you are on the same page and that he/she isn't just trying to push your case through the system to get it done with. You want someone who will 'fight' for you, not push you into any sort of agreement so that they can close the case.
Good luck!

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H.D.

answers from Washington DC on

I would try the mediator first and then, if that doesn't work, I would definitely get a lawyer. Also, your stepdaughter's mother is awful to try and blackmail her not to live with her father.

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J.L.

answers from Washington DC on

You can go to the court house and ask the intake officer for a guardian at lighten (not sure of spelling). This should not cost you anything and this lawyer is for the welfare of the child involved (does not represent either parent, only the child). Plus, the intake officer does interview the child and parents to see what they want and how to set up the support/custody/visitations as well. Also, give your husband a pat on the back for taking care of his daughter and wanting the best environment for her. There's so many parents out there who are not even supporting their kids, let alone wanting custody to have the child with them where they know they will be safe. Good luck!

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C.P.

answers from Washington DC on

I am not as familiar with MD law, but I know that in my home state of TX and then in OK I would never hesitate to get legal representation. It is far to easy for the courts to side with a woman that plays teh vistim card than a loving father who wants to do right by his children. I have seen it with my father and several friends.

If her mother decides to walk away, though it will be so agonizing, let her. My mother in law did with my husband's father and though it caused questions and confusion in the beginning, he and my brother-in-law now recognize that it was for the best and thank their mother for looking out for the men that they would become. Your daughter does not need this type of mother as a role model.

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K.B.

answers from Washington DC on

Yes get an attorney! For your benefit. There are so many aspects of the law that you can not understand. Not that I am putting you down but I have worked for attorneys and the parties that represent themselves usually end up hurting themselves. My husband and I have a very similar situation. His daughter's mother really did not want the child but my husband insisted that she have some sort of relationship with her mother, commendable but bad move. Her mother manipulates and is very inappropriate with her daughter. She tries to be more o the best friend than anything. This has caused a huge strain between my husband and I. If the mother threatens to not have anything to do with the daughter, let the mother walk away. The daughter will not understand but will learn she is better off. Let the daughter bond with you as the mother figure. Good luck and please, please, get an attorney. It is in your best interest! Also be prepared to fight for the girl. It may take a while to settle everything but it will be worth it in the end with the girl's health (mental and physical) intact.

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T.H.

answers from Norfolk on

i dont know if you NEED one but if you already have papers that the social services wrote up and you ask one of them to attend on your behalf you should be fine. some stated will apoint you a lawyer. check into getting a lawyer pro bono.

to go against what another has said my cousin had a child with a guy neither got custody or anything filed one day he shows up and gets the child from school and wouldnt let the mom have him back. the mom couldnt do anything leagaly until the court date where the father was made to release the boy. both parents have the same mout of rights toward a child until the courts give custody to one over the other which would be called sole custody or joint primary parent.

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S.C.

answers from Norfolk on

I would not go without lawyer. I am sure with some searching you can find someone who cares about children and will work with you on the financial end. I think it would be better to be over prepared in this situation than to not gain custody because you were under prepared. I think it will also show a strong level of commitment to the judge for you to come in as prepared as possible. The law is so complicated. Higher a lawyer.

L.M.

answers from Dover on

You should not have to have a lawyer...at least not in the state of Delaware. If the child's mother gets one, it will be in your husband's best interest to get one as well. It wouldn't be a bad idea to at least go to a consultation now so you have a plan should you need to hire the lawyer if things warrant such action.

Since the parents were never married, was your husband listed on the birth certificate? If so and there were no previous formal custody agreements, then both are on equal footing. Be sure to show a united front (you and your husband) and act in the daughter's best interest while still being reasonable. It will go a long way in helping reach your goal.

Does your step-daughter want to live with Dad because currently he is not the fulltime caregiver and thus seems to be the "fun" parent? That isn't so uncommon. If that isn't the case, the judge should definately weigh her wishes even though she isn't quite old enough to actually make that decision on her own. Also, he will most likely "reprimand" the mother for emotionally blackmailing her daughter with the threat of never seeing her again. She should be ashamed!

Best of luck to all of you.

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J.A.

answers from Washington DC on

S. -

I just wanted to let you know, you are not the only one. We are going through about the same thing, except my husband did not find out about his 9 year (now 10) old girl until last year - what a shock. After much deliberating he got a lawyer mostly to protect his rights, since the state is taking full child support and putting him through the ringer like a dead beat dad. Now we are pretty much in the same situation - fighting for custody.

After all the child support my husband has to pay, we really couldn't afford a lawyer either, but this one is being a little helpful and letting him may payments along the way.

I really don't know how to answer, though we just found out "the mother" has found free legal aid, that is now going to start to fight for her. So there may be something out there for you.

I have a 4 1/2 year old that is now starting to miss daddy all the time, since he has to work a second job, just to pay the child support.

Good luck in your battle, hopefully it goes more smoothly than ours.

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M.G.

answers from Washington DC on

if you want it done right and neat

GET A LAWYER

they have these people who can help for not much money, and to be honest if you are careing enough to do this much you should do it right all the way.

this woman sounds like she is going to try and undermind the courts if it goes against here.

a Lawyer can make it air tight.

good luck

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T.A.

answers from Washington DC on

Hi S.,
I can really relate to your story. My husband & I were lucky enough to get custody of his girls after a long battle. He had been married to their mother, so an attorney was already involved. I would suggest at least contacting one for a "free consult" if there have not been custody arrangements in the past. There may be an "understood" arrangement just because she has had custody for all this time so far. Social Services was involved with our case, too, for acts which did occur, but the mother denied it. She also tried to tell the girls they would never see her again if we got custody, then told them that once we were married we would have our own children & not want them any more. All of this was her attempt at trying to control the situation, and once the girls were in our custody they could see how wrong she was. Sorry this is so long, but if you truly feel she would be better with you an attorney may be the way to go, so there is no chance of her yelling "kidnapping" or try to take her back once she is established in your home. Good luck to you.
T.

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L.D.

answers from Washington DC on

I feel for what you are going through S.. I am dealing with a similar situation with my son's father...he's just and idiot. I had a lawyer in the beginning but it was not the high priced type of lawyer I needed. I got shafted and now am stuck fighting with my son's father constantly to get a better agreement. You do not need a lawyer, it's always nice to have one. What is always good are witness statements, documentation of conversations, pictures if any thing that you feel may help your case. If he can prove to be a better provider than do just that. If the mom makes stupid mistakes, report them. You don't want to attack each other's parenting styles in court, you just want to show that she is careless and this would be a better environment for her to grow up in. They can establish visitation and anything else that you feel you need. I wish you luck in all of this, it is stressful and will cause a lot of tension between your husband and his ex, but in the end it's what best for that little girl. Good Luck!!!

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V.J.

answers from Washington DC on

I have not directly had this issue, but I believe that your family should indeed get a lawyer. Based on the mother's past actions just toward her daughter, I'm skeptical that mediation will actually work. And, because of the mother's temperament, it seems that attempting to get custody would cause her to become resentment and she may attempt to limit any contact between father and daughter. It's important to have a clear understanding, from a legal standpoint, what's at stake and what all options are. Also, it is not fair that the mother may decide to walk away from all responsibility for the child. That would not be fair to the daughter or your family in general, so having a lawyer to lay out, in legal terms and with legally binding documentation, the custodial parent (parent in whose home the child resides), the visitation rights/schedule of the non-custodial parent, child support, etc., will go a long way to establishing some level of consistency for the child and your family. Depending on where you live (major metro areas, especially), there may be organizations that offer legal assistance for reduced rates. I would check out the website of your local city/state first and search for a term like 'legal aid'. Your family is not the first to have to enlist the help of the legal system to resolve family disputes, there may already be programs in place to assist you.

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K.C.

answers from Washington DC on

Yes, you need a lawyer.

(S)He will be able to thoroughly make your arguement, and if the mother does not have a lawyer, you are in that much better of a position.

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S.L.

answers from Washington DC on

You don't have to have a lawyer but a lawyer will be able to state your case better than you can. They also know all of the laws and loop holes and what a judge will and will not react to.

I have been through some custody issues myself. My son's father is an alcoholic and verbally abusive to me and his son and physcially abusive to his former wife. I asked for supervised visitation given his anger issues, alcoholism/drug use, and emails saying he wants me dead...that meant NOTHING to the judge. I have a very good lawyer too. Judges think that no one is speaking for the children and that they have to. They do not want to remove a child's parent unless it is necessary and the child is in danger. Your husband should approach the situation as wanting more time with the child and not to diminish the mother's rights. Judges do not want to deny a father/parent wanting more time with their child. Do bring up the issues of concern with the mother though. Also, if you can have a child psychologist evaluate the child and if possible both parents with the child that could persuade the judge.

Just my two cents:)

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L.H.

answers from Norfolk on

A lawyer is helpful but not a neccessity in my experience (had quite a few court experiences for custody of my kids with my ex). Dependent upon the judge they may see the child as "old enough" to make her own decision. Have you looked into the possibility of a guardian ad lidem? (not sure on the spelling) It is basically a third party that comes in and makes a recomendation to the judge after interviewing both parents, etc. as to where the child would be better off. The downside is if you request it you will have to pay for it. But the judge will quite often agree with whatever the G-A-L suggests.

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R.H.

answers from Norfolk on

You don't have to have a lawyer if you don't want one. You can be your own lawyer. But if you think she's going to force the issue or fight it you should have one. But if they have already been looking bad at her he has a good chance. They daughter is old enough to say who she wants to live with and unless they find something wrong with you two she will prob. get her wish. That's why the mother is saying what she is. Hoping she can change her mind.

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L.R.

answers from Washington DC on

S., I haven't been through this myself, but knowing two folks who have -- If there is no formal, written custody agreement, you need one, and you need a lawyer who is experienced in child custody issues. Has your husband kept track of all his child support payments and records that his insurance is covering the child? Those could help establish that he is a reliable presence and supports the child financially. I know it sounds friendly to have arrangements without formal custody papers, but I've also seen those arrangements fall apart as soon as one parent or the other gets angry or has issues and decides to withhold the child from the other parent. Also--how close ar you to this child now? It sounds like if she comes to live with you, you, your husband and she may all benefit from counseling together because her mom may be poisoning the girl's mind and manipulating the girl with statements like "You'll never see me again if you choose your dad," etc. That's cruel and unfair of the mother, and you'll have to be very reassuring if the girl comes into your home. Good luck and let us know what happens.

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S.W.

answers from Washington DC on

I have been dealing with the family court system and DCSE and SS for 15 years cause my husband has 2 daughters from his ex-girlfriend. So here is what I know...You are not required to have one BUT, you may want to get one anyways as taking a child away without concrete evidence against the mom is very, very hard to do. I would do the mediation thing and see what her attitude is and whether you think she will fight the custody. Remember that just cause SS was called on her doesn't mean anything cause they found nothing against her. You may have quite a fight on your hands but remember that if the judge doesn't agree to your husband having custody...it's not set in stone, you can refile again, as much as needed until he gets her. Unfortunately, in the state of VA and I think most states the judge will not even listen to a child about where they want to live until the age of 14. That may change on a case by case basis depending on the childs maturity level but the statute reads the age of 14. Also Mary C is incorrect...whether or not the couple was married or not has no bearing on the parental rights of the mother vs the father. Unless a court stipulates that she has sole custody it is assumed by the courts that they have joint custody but the childs primary residence is at the mothers. Just because she birthed the child doesn't mean that she has more rights than the father does. I know this because my husband was not married to the mother of his other 2 kids, nor is he on the birth cert and they do not carry his last name, he does however have paternity papers on the kids through the courts and I know what the judge said. If I can help any more please email me and let me know! Good Luck!!

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M.W.

answers from Washington DC on

S., the judge cannot refuse to hear a case if one of the parties decides to act pro se (on their own behalf, without an attorney.) But if the mother has consulted an attorney, she is at a definite advantage, and you will not be able to counter her moves. And child custody cases are sometimes very tricky.

My strong advice is to start off by having a consultation with an attorney. Many will perform this for free. At that time you can present everything that you know about the case, and what the mother has said to the daughter. See if the attorney feels that you need counsel. If so, many times attorneys will allow you to pay over time, so it is not a sudden burden. ANd you don't have to stay with the first attorney you consult, you can "shop around." Select one that has experience with child custody cases. Attorneys are not allowed to say they are experts in one field of law (by the ethics rules), but they can say what experience they have for certain kinds of cases.

At the very least, you need to document everything that the mother says about the situation, and try to get the child to tell you everything that the mother has said to her. This idea of telling the child that she will never see her mother again if the custody is changed could be important to document, and an attorney could tell you what is the best way to go about it. If your husband has concerns about the child's welfare with her mother, then the basis for those concerns needs to be documented as well. Document, document, document.

Child custody cases can be some of the hardest fought and the ugliest cases. If you go it alone, you lessen your chances to win.

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R.T.

answers from Dover on

I am not sure how you would go about it but you can get a court appointed attorney which is usually free. I work for a large law firm in Dover DE & I know some of our attorneys have been appointed to handle criminal case & sometimes they also are appointed to domestic cases. The hourly rate for that here is $60 which the court usually pays. Good Luck!!

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V.J.

answers from Washington DC on

Not sure where you are located, but I can tell you that from my experience in MD & VA, they are "mom" states. Get an attorney! I have my battle in MD and although I am mom, I had to fight hard, because i was the one that didn't have a "real" job and genuine income. Plus he fought dirty. In VA, his xwife is bipolar and has proof that she excessivly speeds with kids in car and has kids around drug addicts, but we still can't win custody on our own. We are now hiring an attorney.
GOOD LUCK!

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M.C.

answers from Washington DC on

Hi S.,
My brother-in-law just went through this. I say that you definitely need to discuss this with an attorney. If not just for a consultatiion. Also, they can act as a go between between you, the courts and the mom. Also, get copies of everything for court, no item is to small. All reciepts, checks for child support, a copy of her being on insurance, medical bills, a detailed description of her room, what you provide when she is staying with you, etc. Also, not sure if this will be required, or has been done already, but since the two were never married, the court may order a paternity test before assigning custody.
Best of luck.
M.

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L.M.

answers from Norfolk on

It sounds like the Baby Mama has given you more than enough reason to seek legal council. I do understand that the cost of an attorney can be daunting. There is Legal Aid. It being summer, a lot of law school students are doing their internships. You may be able to get one of them to look over your stuff... lower costs. Good luck!

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M.C.

answers from Washington DC on

You do need a lawyer. And contrary to what you have said, in the absence of marriage, the mother who birthed the baby does have custody--absolute sole physical and legal custody. Married couples share custody of their children; the divorce adjusts it to rest on one or both parents after the divorce.

If the police found nothing that warranted taking the girl away, then you will have a bigger battle to gain custody. Your job is to persuade the court that something has changed, and that while it may have been in the child's best interest to be with the mother for the past however many years, it is no longer in the child's best interest. If the police found nothing illegal, that makes your job in persuading the court harder. And even if the daughter says she wants to live with her dad, having the court agree will be harder because they were never married and he has never objected before.

The good news is that the mother sounds selfish enough that you could win the battle just because she doesn't really care and won't fight that hard, which will keep costs down.

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B.S.

answers from Washington DC on

I too sadly, have been in and out of family law with my own step son for the past 6 years. You won't need a lawyer for the mediation which is a good first step, with any luck your husband will win the Friend of the Court over and her recomendation will favor you. The mediator will not have the power to change custody she will only mediate, take notes and then when you go before the judge she will give him/her her opinion. I would not hesitate to get a lawyer, there are several who specialize in Family Law and understand that this is not a case you've planned for, many will take payments. Get one from your area, someone who knows the judges. Once you lose a custody case it is very hard to reopen it so go in with all the ammunition you can. Most states favor the mother no matter what kind of a person she is, your lawyer will make sure you have all the evidence you need before you go to court. Keep a journal, dated, with times it's usually submissable in court. Write down everything, the emotional state your step daughter is in when you talk to her, conversations regarding her and her mother, her mother's response to you when you call or meet to pick up/drop off. Talk to the child's teachers, bus drivers get all the dirt you can on this woman, if your child is not being taken care of your priority is to get her out of that house, worry about becoming friends with her mother after you get custody. Above all, make sure your nose is clean. If you have something on your record be open and up front about it and show documentation of the measures you've taken to fix your mistakes. Judges don't want to hear a bunch of tattle- tales and they also don't like surprises.
Good Luck to you , You will be in my prayers, please don't hesitate to contact me.
B. S.

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G.B.

answers from Washington DC on

Get a lawyer before you go to court. It's in your best interests and in the best interest of the child if it is handled by professionals.

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P.C.

answers from Cumberland on

Please do yourselves and your daughter a favor and get a lawyer. I know that finances can be rough but in the long run if you all get custody it will be worth it. If you go in without an attorney to start, things may not go well and you may end up with a larger mess to get "fixed" and could cost more in the long run and be more emotionally draining on to you all and your daughter. As for "mom" stating to daughter she will never see her again if you comes to live with you and your husband that is emotional blackmail. It sounds as if "mom" does not want to lose the income (child support) she is getting. Please listen as I am speaking from experience. Good Luck and you all will be in my prayers.

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C.C.

answers from Washington DC on

I am not a lawyer but i frequently represent myself in court. If you can get copies of the social services reports that prove that she is unfit (which he should be able to get as the father), photos of bruises, witnesses that say the child should be living in a different environment for specific reasons, not just hearsay. The thing is you have to have definitive evidence to represent yourself in court you cant just go in there and have a he said she said. You also have to think of what the moms defense is going to be and be able to fight it in a logical manner. You will also have to prove that you have the means ($$) to take on another child (space in house, etc). The worst that could probably happen is that the judge grants joint custody where he wont have to pay child support anymore and you split the week. Either way the child would probably have more time with your family which is I think the ultimate goal, to keep her out of a bad environment as much as possible. Also, try to keep in mind that it is probably to the childs benefit to have a healthy relationship with her mother and that you want to assure them both that this is what you want HEALTHY. Mothers always take it hard, imagine if someone tried to get custody of your children. If you keep the best interests of the child in mind you will always win. Just be prepared to prove what those are and how you will provide them.

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K.S.

answers from Washington DC on

Technically by law whomever the child resides w/ has "legal" custody. But like you say there is nothing on the books. I would stick w/ mediation for now, hopefully htey can convince mom to let dd live w/ dad...at least try it. And make sure dd attempts contact w/ mom regularly even tho mom has threatened to cut her off. And if mom truly did say that then that statement alone can be used against her unfortunately. I mean if she is willing to cut her own daughter off for something so ridiculous...then does she really want her around in the first place or is she just keeping her around for that child suport check.
If mediation cant convince her then see what the judge says. He should be wise enough to see what is going on. The mediator should be able to be in court, that might help. But if the mom has a lawyer then yes I'd get one too. If the child is old enough she can speak up for herself too and the judge will definately listen to her wishes. Just stay on as friendly a term as you can w/ the mom for now, you dont want to stir up and extra drama. GL

D.S.

answers from Allentown on

Hi S.,

What is the reason yourhuband wants to take a child away from it's mother?

How old is the child?

Did you say that your husband and the mother of his child are doing mediation?

Are you making all the arrangements for your husband to get custody?

Just wanted to know. D.

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T.K.

answers from Washington DC on

Don't take the risk, seek the advice of an attorney. (Megan C had excellent advice) I would also recommend having a female lawyer represent your husband.

An excellent family law attorney in the Rockville and Frederick areas is:
http://www.faitwisedilima.com/DynamicAttorneys.shtml?wldp...

I know 2 people who have used her and been very happy.

Good luck to your family,
T.

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