Dog and Dishonesty

Oh--wow--what a situation...
What's done is done. The euthanasia, the lie, etc.

What do you think about telling him that Oscar went to the retirement home because he was an old dog and was not healthy? The vets were trying to take care of him there. Tell him that the vets at the retirement home tried medicine to heal Oscar but they couldn't and Oscar died. (I'm almost believeing this now!)
Tell him that Oscar will always be alive in his heart when he thinks of him and remembers him. You could tell him that he will see Oscar again in heaven someday. What about getting a small garden stone or something that will remind you all of Oscar when you see it?

Death is not interpreted by a child like an adult interprets it. They simply accept it. Clarity and transparency...because kids feel you, they don't listen to words for meaning near as much as adults.

I would try to find a way to tell him. When I was around that age I had a pet bunny named Snow. My parents told me he got out of his cage while I was at school and ran away. Several years later I found out that Snow had actually died in his cage, been bitten by a snake or something. I was upset my bunny died .. BUT I was sooooooooooooo upset that my parents lied to me. Oddly enough, I felt the same exact way when I found out they'd been lying to me about Santa too.

I really feel for your situation. When I was 5 years old a similar thing happened to me.

My family had a dog that needed to be put down. I loved that dog so much and became very attached to him. When my dad took him to be put down my parents said nothing to my sisters and me. I just remember waking up one day and Louie was gone. For a few days they didn't say anything and we just assumed that he ran away. I remember crying in bed one night because I missed Louie so much so my dad finally told me he was sick and was at the dog hospital. I accepted it at the moment. However, I also remember seeing an ambulance drive by our house (we lived near a hospital) and I chased it down the street crying "stop, please give Louie back to me!". It was then that they finally told us that they had put him to sleep. I do remember that they explained it very nicely. Telling us that they gave him medicine that made him fall asleep and he wouldn't be able to wake up. I truly wished that they would have just told us the truth right away. It was hard to hear but so much easier than holding on to hope that I would get my dog back.

It wasn't until I was about 15 when I finally learned the entire truth about why he was put down, etc. I was angry that they lied. However, I completely understand now that the thought of having to tell us that our dog was dead broke their hearts. But I do know that even though initially it may have been harder to tell us the truth it would have saved us from so much heartbreak and confusion.

I would suggest sitting down with him and just telling him the entire truth. He'll probably be more accepting than you think. I would be prepared for tears, but that's okay, crying will help. Especially if you do it with him.

I truly do not envy your situation. No parent wants to break their childs heart. But the truth will make it so much easier in the long run.

Please let us know what happens! Best of luck to you!

I just went through this with our dog. My sons were 6 and 10 at the time. Here is the thing. Children can handle a lot more than we expect of them. What is important is how we discuss it. Often we make up stories because it is so painful for US to deal with our kids' grief. I think you need to explain the euthanasia because what you did was the responsible, loving thing. I do think he is old enough to understand. The problem with inventing a doggie retirement home is that he does not learn that death is permanent at that your poor dog's body was not working any more...hence his idea of bringing him back. I am so sorry that you are experiencing the stress of these particular questions. Honesty about a pet's death also helps when a child needs to understand the loss of a person in his life; with a clear, honest approach he might have more sorrow, but definitely less confusion. Pets teach children so much, including very hard lessons about mortality. There are great children's books about this as well.

BTW, when we had to put our 14 year old dog to sleep I was besides myself with grief...he had widespread, undiagnosed and very aggressive cancer and woke up on Christmas Eve morning in stress. Two hours later we had to put him down to end his excruciating suffering. After he died I sobbed and was out of control BECAUSE I knew I was going to have to tell my boys, who thought Watson would be coming back from the vet like always. And it was Christmas. I just want you to know that I do know how horribly difficult all of this must be for you.

I would stop the lie. If you are not honest with your children (even though it is hard and it hurts sometimes) ...how can you expect them to be honest with you as they grow older??

You've created a perfect set up for when your son is older....."it's ok to lie....mom and dad lie to me"

I understand how you ended up here, and I know you were trying to spare your sweet boy a lot of pain, but I think it is time to 'fess up.

My parents lied to me about this exact thing, and other things, and I really felt disrespected. More than that, I learned NOT to trust them when I needed the truth. I knew they would lie to make me feel better. So I found other "parents" to trust as I got to high school age. And I'm lucky they ended up being good people.

It is a terrible thing to watch your child hurt because of the loss of his best friend and I don't mean to diminsh the intensity and difficulty of that. My heart is with you all. But it is a lot worse to feel the pain of realizing you can't trust your parents to tell you the truth.

He is old enough to know. (Kids are never too young for the truth about life and death. Death is not bad, it just is hard.) You can gracefully tell him that he was sick when he went away and now he as passed. Help him deal with the pain and let him know that he is loved through it all, no matter what. The love he had for his dog, the memories, the photos, the experiences are his forever and not even death can take that away. Let him know that you grieve, too, and grieving is a normal part of life. There is nothing to be ashamed of, there is no reason to hide from it. You have each other and you will all hold Oscar in your hearts forever.

All the best.

You need to tell your son Oscar is in heaven. You can say that the retirement home just called to tell you the sad news. If you continue to tell him Oscar is in a home your son will keep asking you when you can get him. It's almost delaying the pain by pretending all is well. Bite the bullet and tell your son. he will be upset but it will be final. Perhaps you can buy a special balloon and take your little guy outside and let him send it up to Oscar as a farewell. Good luck it's a tough one.

he's five. i feel like to change the story now would just upset and confuse him more. maybe use this as a lesson for next time. but i wouldn't change things now. just gently tell your son that oscar will be living there now. my son (3 1/2) still asks about our kitty that had to go live with someone else (he actually did, though lol). sadness is a part of life, so just deal with him gently and help him through it. (ps, i also see anna lee's point, it kinda just depends on how you think he'll take it. you know your child best and how he will react) but i wouldn't release a balloon into the sky...maybe think of another, non-littering symbolic gesture! lol. just sayin'...)

My suggestion is to be honest with your son. Kids can handle a lot more than we give them credit for, and if you believe in heaven, that is where we will meet our pets someday. My children said goodbye to our dear kitty, and were totally okay with it. I was a crumbled mess, having had her for 18 years (my first "baby"). You could explain that your dog died while at the retirement home, so it does not look as though you initially lied to him. It will help him understand your tears now, and you can discuss death openly.

I am sorry to hear of your loss D.. I have tears in my eyes just reading your post. I would tell him that Oscar could not come home. don't elaborate anymore on the retirement home, although I can see why you would say this. Tell him you are happy to say that Oscar has gone up to heaven so he can enjoy running and playing like he is a young pup again. Tell him you are so happy for Oscar because he feels so much better and although he can't come home now, they will see each other again. We are not a very religious household, but are in agreement to portray death as another step in our journey and have explained that those who are left behind will feel sad but those who have past will be at peace. I lost my grandmother who my son was very close too and we had to put our dog down very shortly after. It was our 7 year old son who often comforted me, during such a sad time, with his sincerity and belief of where our loved ones were now.

Dieing is part of life. Be honest with your son. I would say something like, Oscar became very sick and was very uncomfortable. He was so old he could not get better and he died. The doctors helped him die.

Okay, go to the Rainbow Bridge online. It's a lovely place that covers losing a pet. Then yes, fess up. Try some techniques with your son like covering his eyes and ears and then doing something. He might not like it. But it will help explain how Oscar was starting to feel. Pets get older a lot faster than people, he needs to know. And if your son has lost a grandparent, some how liken the loss of Oscar to grandma/pa.
Chows are a lot like SharPeis. They come from the same stock. And they can show a more aggressive side of them without any warning or health issues. Been there done that. Their breed personality is that of reserved. They are part of a 'flock' and need time to get used to 'outsiders' from the flock. The family is their flock.
Add the Rottweiller mix into it and I would say the chances of increasing concern for aggressiveness are warranted. Two breeds that normally are unpredictable and add health issues, I give you a thumbs up for your instinct.
Maybe suggest getting a more friendly type dog and name it little Oscar.
I am sorry for your loss tho., It's never easy to lose a pet one way or other.

Be truthful. Always. Explain what you can in a kind age appropriate way, but don't lie. It teaches children that lying is ok in certain cases. If they ask questions about things that are not their business (say in other situations) then tell them you can't answer because it isn't their business, but don't tell a story to satisfy their curiosity.

Best wishes, you won't regret it.

If your son is really lonely for a dog, try getting one from the humane society that he can enjoy!

Wow. This brings to mind about a little over one year ago when my 19 year old cat, Prissy, started wasting away and not being able to control her bladder. I tried everything - thyroid pills, new food, etc., but I could tell she was not going to last much longer. One morning when I had to leave on business for a week, Prissy seemed to be starting to suffer, whereas she had acted somewhat normally before. I knew she wouldn't last the week and I didn't want to leave my husband and son (who was four) with a tragedy while I was gone, so I took her to an emergency vet and had her put to sleep - a very difficult thing for me, as my sweet girl had been with me through so much. When I came home, I pulled myself together as much as I could. My son asked where Prissy was. I told him that she had to stay at the doctor for awhile because she was sick.

One week later I returned, and everything went back to normal, but without Prissycat. I just assumed my son had forgotten about her. Wrong.

This was not the case. My son surprised me one morning two weeks later when I was getting ready to go to work and asked me when Prissy was coming home from the doctor. I stood there, shocked, but ended up telling him the truth (mostly) - that Prissy didn't make it and had died, but was no longer in any pain. He started crying, I started crying and I hugged him tightly.

Unfortunately, for several weeks later, he would be terrified if my husband or I had to go to the doctor because he thought we would die and needed a lot of reassurance. He would also break down in tears and say how much he missed Prissy. It was heartbreaking.

I feel I should have told him about it before he brought it up. I think this would have been better, and I have learned from it. It sounds as if you have, too. Tell him the truth (or a version where he died at the retirement home). He will need some closure. He will always remember his friend, but after a couple of months, maybe you can pick out a new friend together.

About six months later, we went to a Humane Society event and adopted a beautiful black kitten, whom my son named Suzy. They are the best of friends, and Suzy is very tolerant and loving. While my son hasn't forgotten Prissy, time and new experiences do seem to help a great deal.

Good luck.

Yes, I think you should tell him that Oscar is in doggy heaven. My kids (then 2 and 3) were close to my parents' dog, Pandy. Pandy had to be euthanized shortly before her fifth birthday (advanced kidney disease), which was right before Christmas as well. They got to say good-bye and I explained that Pandy was very sick and was hurting. Now she doesn't hurt anymore, and we can still love her and remember her through our memories and the pictures we have. Lying will come back to haunt you. Be truthful, but use terms a five-yo can understand. He was very old and no longer felt good. It is up to you whether you tell him Oscar was euthanized or is just tell him he died, but be clear he is no longer alive. It will be hard at the beginning, and he will continue to bring up the fact that Oscar is dead and how much he loves and misses him--my girls still talk about Pandy--and that is okay. Because he will begin to understand that Oscar cannot come back. It isn't a an option you have. Good luck, and little ones can grasp more than you think. Letting him know the truth will let him grieve and move on to accept his best friend is gone, but he can still love him.

It sounds like no matter what you do, your son is going to be upset. My advice? Sit down with him one night, you and your husband. Explain that Oscar was very old, and that he died because he was so very old, and that he went to heaven. Your son will be heartbroken, but he is heartbroken now anyway, as well as confused. This will give him some closure. It will be hard, but be honest. Hug him, comfort him, assure him that you miss Oscar too and are sad, then reassure him that it will be alright.

My family lost three dear dogs while I was growing up. I know how hard it can be; I also know I and my siblings did better knowing the truth than thinking our dog had just left us.

I pray that it goes well! God bless!
M. D

Your son needs, and deserves, the opportunity to say good bye to his friend. No one likes a loose end, no closure, someone/thing that just walked away and you never did understand what happened.

Hold a small burial for Oscar (small box, say it's ashes from the retirement home where he passed way) and let your son grieve. He *will* understand. Kids understand that living things are born and then, eventually, die.

He will get over it quickly enough and will probably ask for a new dog. Meanwhile you can get some books on grieving for a lost pet from the library. GL.

You shouldn't have lied to your son. He is five years old. I have a five year old son also. I spoke with him about death last year. It's unpleasant, but there are lots of unpleasant things in life. I think it's unfair to children to shelter them from reality. You really need to tell your son that his dog died and that he is in heaven. The heaven part will almost certainly bring your son comfort. It can't get much worse. Now he thinks his dog is out there somewhere and you are keeping him from your son. He needs to understand that the dog is gone and cannot come back. Children are more resilient than you think. He will be fine. You just need to tell the truth! Good luck!

Perhaps you can say that you called the doggie retirement center and discovered, that, sadly, Oscar died and went to heaven. Then, you can have a little memorial service for him. That might at least bring closure for your young son. What if you buried his "ashes" (that you were "given" by the "retirement center") in the back yard and had a little ceremony? Death is hard at any age, but lack of closure is harder. How wonderful that your son had such happy times with his dog. I think you can honor that with something kind of formal, like a memorial service.

I think honesty is best. You can start introducing your child (gently) to death. Heaven is a good place. Our dog is in heaven with grandma and aunt so and so or something like that. We don't make death sound scary or bad and always talk about heaven which is where some of our loved ones are. I would be honest. You don't want the "stories" to come back and bite you later. Just my two cents.

My daughter was 2 when my husbands family dog was put down. Kids don't forget, even to this day she will say she misses Jake. You should have been honest from the beginning tell him he was sick. If I were you have a talk with him, tell him what you had to do, less details the better, just that the dog was sick, and he is better in heaven now. If you and your family are ready get another dog, let your son help pick it out it might make him feel better.

Tell him the truth.
If you decide to get another dog in the future you may want to get a breed that is known to be calm. I know of many parents who will not let there kids over to a house that has a breed that is known to be highly protective and and can seriously hurt someone. I won't let my daughter play at a friends house because the have a pit bull. I know they are sweet to who they protect or their pack but not others invading their territory. This dog has been 2 people. the first one was not to bad but the second was and the family had to put the dog down and are being sued for their childs deformity from the biting.

tell him the truth, it might help if you let him pick out another dog if possible.

Wow. First the little guy will remember that dog even when he is an old man. I know. Next I suggest the burial is a good idea. I also suggest the truth. Tell him that you had the vet. put Oscar to sleep and send him to heaven but that you thought that he (the boy) would not have understood. Tell him the reasons that you had it done (you just told us some very valid reasons and believe it or not the boy will understand a lot). What he will not understand is why you failed to tell him the truth and why you didn't let him say goodbye. Tell him that you are sorry that you didn't trust his response and that you want to give him a chance to say goodbye (hence the burial). This child is 5 and chidlren understand more about death than adults do. I know I woked with all ages of terminal children to help them and their families through it. Their biggest fear and pain was caused by parents not speaking clearly to them and having to hear it from a friend or nurse. They understood their conditions better than the grief stricken parents. They finally just wanted to be let go with the knowledge that their loved ones would be okay without them. Please find it in your heart not to allow death to become a boogey man or you and your husband the bad guys that broke trust.

Well, we told our son (almost 6 at the time) as well as our 2 older daughters that our dog was very sick (she had cancer) and it was slowly getting worse. We said "If we help her go to heaven now, she won't get worse and in more pain". They were all in agreement. It was sad. We all cried, but they were completely a part of the decision. So, next time...

As this one is concerned, I certainly wouldn't let him know that you were not truthful, but I do think you need to let him know that him buddy died. We had a funeral for our dog. We all stood in a circle in the backyard and everyone (who wanted to) spoke about her. When everyone was done, we each sent a red balloon to heaven to her. To this day, our boy talks about his buddy at least twice a week (it's been a year and a half now) and if he gets his hands on a balloon, he lets it go immediately to send it to Lili. We talk about what a good girl she was and how much we miss her. Surprisingly enough, he has coped beautifully. Sad, but still coping.

Hope that helps.
I'm sorry about your dog! I feel your pain.

L.

You know your son best. So if you think the way you are handling it is best, then it is. No need to beat yourself up with words like "dishonest" and "lie". By that standard, the tooth fairy and santa are lies.

So - To stick with the story completely, just tell him A.) The retirement farm is all the way across the country and B.) The dogs are too old to visit and play. Retirement means they need, sleep, quiet, and no visitors.

To transition out of the story, tell him that you got a call from the retirement farm telling you that your beloved family pet had passed away. And then let him work through his grief. Technically, he is already grieving and this will just put him in a position to get thru it and move on.

A nice way to help him might be to be a volunteer dog cuddler, brusher, walker at your local Humane Society. That might be a nice way to give him the comfort that an animal brings without rushing into repalcing his best friend before he is ready.

Hi,

I haven't read any of the other post so I hope I'm not repeating anything too much.

I think you should have told him the truth in the beginning, honesty is always the best policy. Most times the truth hurts, but it hurts less than a lie. This way he can be sad about the loss and you can help him reflect on the good times he had with Oscar and not be left thinking that someday he may see Oscar again. Lies make things worse because you have to keep them going. Think about in the long run how your son might feel if he gets to thinking back about how his parents lied to him. He might feel if you were not honest about this you might not be honest in other things.

I sorta went through the same thing so I can relate. Hope this helps.

First this should be a lesson for you. Your son is 5 and youlook at him as 1. You should have told him the truth from the get go. So now is your chance to sit im down and say hey listen oscar was old and starting to get mean and we didn't want him to hurt anyone with his growling or possibly bit someone so we need to take him to god in heaven and now hes in better place where he doesn't have to be scared nor mean. Than after the talk see maybe he would want to get a new pet and see if he would like another doggy. Also something tells me from what you have said up above. He may kinda know alread that oscar is not in a retirement home 5 yar olds are smarter than you think.

Tell your son the truth. My son was just a year older then that when we had to put our beloved dog to sleep because of cancer.

Explain to your son that his dog was sick and always hurt and how it wasn't right to make him live like that. Yes, your son will probably be upset. But what if something happens and a family member passes? You can't lie and protect him from death forever. Being honest with your son and always honestly answering his questions will teach him to trust you and how to deal with things that happen as life goes on.