Donating "Too Much" to Charity...

I agree that you've brought up a lot of valid points and do I wish I had the time to spell out some of my opinions but alas, my 11 year old daughter is driving me crazy about a friend coming over so I'll give you a quick answer....LOL

Yes, you're right, it is your son's money but I don't think he necessarily has the "right" to do with it whatever he pleases - that't where you come in. It is your job to teach him about all aspects of money...spending, saving, donating....just being an all around good steward of his money. It is definitely not good stewardship to donate every penny you have to any charity. Think about all the elderly people who get scammed out of their life savings because they were convinced by someone that "some" was not enough....plus, your son needs to understand why he is really willing to give all his money...are his motives completely pure? Is it the pizza party he really wants and not necessarily for the Y to be a better place? That's something to discuss with him. Bottom line, I would help him understand that supporting causes takes as many people as possible giving some, not just a couple giving all. If he still doesn't understand, then just be the mature adult and set a limit...if it were me, it would be no more than $10.

Well ... I don't know where you stand on Christianity and faith, but ... in the Bible, God asks us to give 10% back to him (it's what is called a "tithe"), so we try to follow that. We don't attend church regularly, so we don't give our 10% to the church, but to the area's food bank and a couple of other charities that are Christ-centered. I won't go into our philosophy, but that's what we try to do, and it makes sense to us. Maybe it might work for you and your son?

I don't like donating to charities unless they are locally owned like small thrift store(and then it's only the stuff my kids have out grown). We have done the police officer association, the breast cancer group, diabetic foundation, but then we are flooded with phone calls and mail asking for more(which I think is very rude!).
That being said, I don't like to tell my kids not to donate when they want to. We like to find people in the area that are in need and help them out as a family.
It is usally someone in our neighborhood or church or maybe even school. That way we know the money or items are going directly to that person/family.
I can't stand the fund raising at the schools, especially the ones that use bribes to get the kids to participate(such as the pizza party). I let my kids donate to those with their own money if they would like, but I don't encourage them to ask relatives or neighbors(is that bad?) but when they did one where they collected pennies to help out katrina victims, or were collecting things for a family who had lost thier home in a fire- we really encourage that kind of giving because the reward is is better than a pizza party or a bike.
Anyway, you aren't alone in how you feel and I think you are doing the right thing. Maybe you can find some other need for your child to donate either time or money to so he can see that giving isn't about getting.
~C.

A.,

You have really raised a lot of good issues for discussion--1) having kids raise money at school and being rewarded for it on a competition basis 2) having kids raise money at school to benefit something outside of school 3) how to teach your child to be charitable 4) how to give joyfully and not feel jaded about donating. I can tell you spent a lot of time thinking about this post before you wrote it.

Before I donate money or time, I try to find out about the organization -how it raises money (paid staff or volunteers), what the money is to be used for, who runs the organization and how efficient they are (how much money gets spent on what they do vs. overhead or fundraising). Find out who the services are meant to help and what someone has to do to qualify. And what type of track record does the organization have--do they do what they say they are going to do. A lot of this information is on charity is posted on Guidestar that tracks charities. There are other charity watchdogs, too. I volunteer with several organizations and I also support them financially because I can see what they do that matters.

I think there are some people that genuinely need help. Sometimes it is their own fault and sometimes it is just a matter of circumstance. And unfortunately, there are some people who have gotten very good at beating or defrauding the system or feel they are entitled. I try to support things that help kids or elderly people since they usually don't have the means or the "voice" to speak up for themselves.

Now about the school fundraiser for the Y program. I was kind of surprised that the school is raising money for the Y. The Y should have the ability to do fundraising on its own to support its programs and shouldn't have to go to children to raise money. I will admit that schools and PTA's and school organizations often hold fundraisers (way too often) in my opinion, but often they are necessary to provide "extra" things that are not provided in the school budgets. My kids are out of school now, but I do support the fundraising efforts of our local schools-I would rather give a check donation to the school instead of buying more candles or wrapping paper. And I always support food drives or paper good drives that the kids organize to support a local charity. There actually is quite a bit of learning when a class takes on a project like that)

One way I was able to teach my kids about charity and community service was to model it for them and with them. We were involved with scout groups and volunteered at food banks or cleaning up trash or reading to kids at the shelter. In that way, they got to see what their efforts were accomplishing and people that they were helping. They learned lessons in how fortunate we were and they came up with their own projects. After reading some books to the kids in the shelter, they decided the shelter needed more books and did their own book drive to help out.
Good luck!

I would suggest a percentage of his allowence or money as most financial books suggest. Then he can donate it however he wants. You may also not let him donate, simply because it is associated with winnning a prize instead of the fulfillment of donating when you don't "win" anything. When you just get the good feeling of doing something nice and right. I would definately talk to him about your feelings for not donating all his money, especially to a charity that you find lacking. That if it is truly motivated by a sense of service than you can decide on one that is worthy of his hard earned money. ANd without the "prize" and the brainwashing associated with it. What about a different charity, like the North Texas Food Bank, a local Humane society. You can also start giving him an allowence and teaching him the 10% rules. 10% in savings, 10% to church or charity, the rest budget out for his wants. I would also tell him that he can't donate ALL of his money, just like you and daddy can't donate all your money, even though the charity may well be worth it. And I have stopped mine from doing just the thing your son is doing. Giving it all away for a suspect charity. Until he has a better understanding about where the money goes and how the charity spends it, I would definately limit his giving. Kids his age would give all they had if you let them. So I don't think that you are going to warp his sense of charity by teaching him some smart lessons about his money. I also think it is a brainwashing technique for schools to run programs that support charities and do fund raisers. But we homeschool, so there aren't problem with me doing it, just being bombarded with kids in the neighborhood selling, which I tell them "NO".
I would also like to throw out the idea that if he saves his charity money, by Christmas he can sponsor a child on an Angel Tree somewhere in the metroplex or do the Christmas boxes that some churches do and would have a nice little sum to donate somewhere. I think that you should teach him the fulfillment of giving and charity when there is no pizza party involved.
I think that if you look hard enough you will find the charity that will truly be one you can give to without feeling so jaded.
Good luck,
L.
P.S. Perhaps the food bank would be a good idea. He would be able to save a dollar or two, buy canned goods which can be found cheap, and you can match his donation every week. ANd he can see that you are donating also. Or if he donates a dollar to buying canned goods, you will donate two. Then let him spend the money on what canned goods he wants to take and drop off. THen you don't have to worry about it being a large amount and he will still get a sense of fulfillment helping feed hungry families.

If it were me, I think I would teach him the basics of 10/10/80. That is give 10% to tithing or if he chooses at this age, a charity; save 10%; and spend or live on 80%. If he doesn't have anything yet to buy with his 80%, then teach him to save it for a rainy day when something will cost him more than the 10% savings he's got. If you don't name this Y specifically as a problem for you, yet you show him to give 10% uniformly across the board to whatever cause is close to heart, he will learn more. If you continue this practice as he accumulates money over the years, you will raise a very money-wise boy and he can be proud of himself, too. This is a good opportunity to teach him if he gives all $40 away, there is nothing left for later, when he may decides he needs it. There is a powerful lesson to learn in "taking care of yourself so you can take care of others". There may be another fundraiser he would like to contribute to soon on the heels of this one....or a friend who needs something. It's just like life...if you give everything you have and save nothing for yourself, what are you going to pull from when you need something? Good luck!

Great topic and great responses! This is such a wonderful forum! My opinion is to remind our chldren that "charity" is another word for "love". Is your son giving to the Y because he wants to share his love with that cause, or is it the prize? Also, at his age does he realize that even though he gives all $40, he is not "buying" the prize and it's possible another class will win? I'm sure you have covered all this with him, but I try to remind my "overly" generous 10 yr old about these facts when we are faced with the same choices. This is a beautiful teaching moment, maybe for both you and your son.
And I don't begrudge your opinions on charity either, where is your love? It is with your family, being a stay at home mom, handling the family's business day to day so you can give the best of yourself at home. That is the most generous form of charity that a mother can give, cliche time, charity begins at home ;)
Best of luck to you, continue to ask the important questions, I've loved this discussion.

Hi A.,

I have had this same issue, I especially do not like organizations asking children to collect money for them. Yet, I do want to teach my children to be compassionate and understand that there are people out there that are in need. I could only find one solution that I truly felt %100 good about. I began donating my time as an example and including them in approprate volunteer opportunities.

However, there is always something coming up, so I discussed that since there are so many organizations to give to, they could pick one that they thought was very special and we set a dollar limit. (Good time for a lesson in budgeting and not spending all your money in one place) After that donation is made there are no more for the year. I told them they could just tell people "My Charity is XXXX and we already gave our regular donation."

First, I just want to thank you for being so open and honest about your thoughts. There have definitely been times that I've felt skeptical about some charities as well - and it's good to know that there is someone else out there that deals with these thoughts. I think it is important to make an informed decison about what charities to give to. In the end, however, I just trust in the big picture....that is, I believe God is in charge. He wants us to help the poor, tithe, etc. so as long as I try to do that, then I have done my part. God handles the rest.
As for this particular situation of your son wanting to donate to the Y in hopes of also winning a pizza party..... Well, it sounds like you have done a good job of explaining everything to him and ultimately he needs to learn the consequences of his decisions. You may want to encourage him to save 10% of what was in his piggy bank, though. He may truly want to be helpful by giving or he may just want to win a party or it may be a bit of both. Whatever his motive may be and as hard as it is to watch him give away so much money, it is his money and he needs to learn how to be responsible with it by your guidance, not by control.
Hope this is helpful. Thanks for letting me rant. :)

Hi A., Good Subject. Did you know that most lottery winners lose all their wealth to family and CHARITY and become as poor as before they bought a ticket.

Is it the winning or the giving?

Two good pieces of advice I hope...

1. Explain to your child that charity is like a bill. You have to budget and the rule of thumbs is 10%. Have him count out 10%. Savings is another 10% from original amount - don't spend that. The remainder of hsi money is to do as he pleases. You are correct about this. If he wants to spend it all there it goes. Remember it's his money now - not yours so stop holding your breath. (I do it too!)

2. Start giving him three containers to hold his money. One for Charity (we call this our Jesus jar), one for savings and one for spending. Then when he feels generous the decision has already been made for him and he will offer up freely with no worries.

Hope that helps.

If it's the winning - maybe the neighbors would buy some?

Also - don't forget where Santa Claus came from. St. Nikolas gave away everything he had in order to provide simple necessities like shoes, drinking cups and food. It's a life we hope not to see our own children live - poor and hungry but what a beautiful way to treat the world.

God bless, C.

Hello A.,

I didn't read all of the other responses. I do feel very much the same way. I ended up a little jaded myself after feeling like I needed assistance when my daughter was very young, but made $50 too much a month to be able to receive any. Crazy...
However, my daughter is now 14 and I let her do 1 fundraiser a school year. The fundraiser can be what ever she wants to help contribute to. Whether it be school related, church related, or something else.
We have taught her that certain percentages should be saved out of the money that she earns. We have been teaching her that a certain percent goes for savings, fun money, if she is saving for something imparticular, and/or charity. We found that the easiest way for her to learn this is actually have seperate tins (like from Michaels or Hobby Lobby) labelled for the different ways to seperate her allowance. (we started when she was around 7)

For the past few years we have been participating and donating to the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation and one of the Cancer Foundations because we have friends who are living with these particular diseases. This year we weren't able to donate because money is tight right now. I do believe that donating to charities is a wonderful thing. There are sooooo many out there and it can get overwhelming. I think if you can find one particular charity to feel passionate about that you can help teach your children a great deal about giving. Besides giving money you can really help them see the benefits by maybe participating in one of "walks" that so many of the charities do to raise money and awareness. Back home in CA we use to participate in "Great Strides" for Cystic Fibrosis for our friends son who is fighting the disease. I felt so bad when we moved out here almost two years ago because we weren't able to participate with him.

Your boy is so sweet. God honors those who help others and what we give we get back much more. If this Day Care and I also used them for my granddaughter and now at this moment my boyfriend and her are passing out flyers for my business because I lost and need 4 more children. I just can not believe over one summer these women that work at the Y next to a work out all gained huge and are obese people not a good role model for out children. But they were always kind to me. I do not know which one you were going to. They must also be hurting for kids and I know their prices have gone up. I feed my kids better and have more time to focus on individual kids. One on one but what we did not like my granddaughter in the summer camp was sent to the woods all day. She is a girlie girl not into camping and dirt. Swimming that was every day became once or twice a week. But they do train their people and follow the state guidelines. I would also consider just having him buy some food with his money and take it to a food bank. A couple of times we were desperate before Day Care and had to go get food. He then can really see what can be bought with that money. I would not feel well if my son gave to an organization that I did not like. I was on a sliding scale there and the gov picks up for the food and what the parents do not pay so I am not sure how they can justify getting kids to get donations. I do know some do fund raisers. Anyways, kudoos to you for staying home the most sacrifice of our time is important to children. They are so disconnected at Day Cares. God Bless G. W

While donating to a good cause is a wonderful idea, your son is donating for a pizza party. I know you've explained everything....but its really about winning.

I personally would not allow my cjild to donate all his money. I've been in this situation before. I explained that charity is a wonderful thing, but just like adults you have to promote budget and wise spending. Perhaps a good amount is 10% of his total savings which still promotes charity but shows wise spending and self control, which is also something that need to be learned early on.

My thought is that if I'm going to give, I would rather give directly to the cause instead of through a fundraiser that may keep some of the money. I would explain to my son that he can give, but let's look into helping the people that really need the financial help...for survival. Check into Compassion International. They are a reputable company that we give monthly to support a particular child, and we write back and forth as well. The organization really makes it easy for you to do. Regarding giving all his hard earned money, explain what moderation is and let him know to donate 10% now and maybe 10% to the next cause that inspires him. just me thoughts...
Take care.

A few thoughts...
If you son is compelled to give and he understands he won't get the money back, then let him. What a great lesson that our money isn't just meant to provide for us, but with what we don't need we can help others in need.

Also, what a great lesson in forgiveness. All the problems you've had there doesn't mean the need is illegitimate.

Although YMCA's are non-profit, they still are the only "healthclub" that gets handouts from the govt even though they collect membership dues just like other health clubs. You might be able to find another cause that is more in need and you agree with principally.

At the end of the day, it's $40. It's not going to make or break their goals, however it may teach your son an invaluable lesson that you can't re-create yourself.

We use a thirds policy here. Spend a third, save a third, and donate a third.

encourage to him to donate, but also teach him the importance of saving, charity and living life, which means buying that thing that you really want today and now.

I see what you're saying. Don't feel bad about it.

I'd say, donate your time. Volunteer. Don't worry about not giving money. Donate things you can't use anymore that are still valuable to someone (like old clothes, tools, etc.) Donate food items that you get at a really good price at the grocery store (on sale + coupons).

Hope That Helps.

The greatest lesson for children concerning money is responsibility. Teaching your son the appropriate way to give is just as important as the giving. I grew to resent the schools, and yes, PTA/PTO for all the fund raisers. When the folder of wrapping paper or useless gifts came home with one of my children, I would take the folder back and write a check for $20 to the school/PTA as a contribution. That way they got ALL the money and not just a percentage from the sales. Like one of your respondents said about an employer's giving to the person in need, that seems to be the way God has directed me. We've helped individuals who have "fallen through the cracks" of the system. Giving to get is the wrong message. Teach your son that giving isn't giving unless you expect nothing in return. I think your apprehension is less about his ending up with no money and more about how much the money will actually help. Allow him to give a percentage and that's all.

You've gotten lots of good responses to your points but I just wanted to throw one thing in there. I beleive very strongly that generosity is a big factor in success (especially success with finances). You need to be able to let go of things. We teach our kids to give time AND money, and I'm working on teaching them to pass on toys and clothing, etc that they can no longer use (for some reason this one is a little harder). We give most of our time and money at church and a specific organization our church supports for the needy b/c I feel like they make good use. I think if I were in your shoes I'd let him donate what he wants this time but then research an organization to support (one you feel good about) and teach him to donate regularly rather than just when there is something in it for him. Just my humble opinion . . . .

(BTW, I have been taken advantage of from time-to-time and while it is definitely annoying and frustrating it hasn't ever done any permanant damage . . . I feel like the benefits outweigh the risks. Those people that take advantage will end up paying in one way or another)

i like what christina had to say. i think one of the most important things that we as parents need to teach our children is how to handle their money. it is not somthing they will just get on their own. i would have him divide any money gets up. one for charity, one for savings one for spending. you can even start to stop buying little extra things for him and have him use his own money so he can start to learn the value of money.

you would still want to foster the love of giving. the thing about giving is while we need to be responsible in who and what we give to it is more about us then whoever we are giving to. where the money goes isn't as important as the our willingness to give and to give selfishly. that develops our character and helps us to learn to not hold on to our material posessions so carefully. i also believe that God will bless us when we give and that our giving will come back to us in bigger and better ways.

I have worked for nonprofits and corporations. I went to work for a very well-known nonprofit a few years ago because I was tired of the greed and corruption in the corporate world. Yet I discovered the same greed and corruption at the nonprofit. If people saw what I witnessed, they'd never donate again. It made me sick to think people were raising and donating money thinking it was going to the cause when it was going to pay for things like high priced consultants who were friends of the executive in charge. A friend of mine said he only donates to individuals who are in need because he KNOWS the money goes directly to help someone instead of administrative costs, etc. Obviously nonprofits have to pay their employees, but I saw many employees getting paid big $$ who weren't in the office or who worked so little, you wondered how they kept their jobs. I now understand my friend's position after witnessing such waste in big nonprofits.

I try now to donate my time and products (I am into the frugal/couponing stuff so I collect a lot that goes to shelters) before I donate money. I work hard to earn my money and knowing what I know now about how some nonprofits use the money, I am very careful not to "throw" my money away.

Obviously not all nonprofits are like this, but I saw enough of it when I was working for various nonprofits (though nothing like this last employer) over the last 15 years to know it's more common than you'd like to think. And the nonprofit where I worked was always "begging" for more money acting like there was a shortage when in reality they had such an abundance of money that we had to hold many meetings to discuss how to use it before the end of the fiscal year. Such waste!!

Not really answers to your questions, but I wanted to share my experience.

Hi A.,

You've gotten a lot of great responses. I think the big thing that really stood out for me in your post was the fact that your son wanted to win the competition. It really didn't seem to be about the actual charity/cause. I have also worked for non-profit organizations, and there is a lot of ego involved. People write checks becuase they want to be seen as the generous, charitable person. But if you call them to actually give an hour of their time, they are always too busy. Writing a check is the easy way out. In many, many cases, organizations are hurting much more for man and woman power (the proverbial stamp-licker) than they are for money.

I would not allow your son to give all $40 to this fundraiser. I think 10% is a good amount. Although it is his money, you still need to teach him about money management and responsiblity. He also needs to learn that giving to charity is not about HIM--it is about the the people in need. Him winning a pizza party, in my opinion, makes it about what HE is going to get, not what others are going to get. That just doesn't seem to be very charitable in my mind.

I have read some of your responses and most were from the giving end, I would like to explain from the other side "the needing end". I signed up with a transplant foundation in 2005, I needed a transplant and was desperate to get help so I could get the transplant and help with my transplant meds. I found a foundation, signed all of the paperwork, they told me that they would work hard at helping me, when the time came to get started I found out that I had to find friends and family to put together all of the fundraisers, and I had to purchase the stuff with their logo they did not give me a thing. They promised many of things and people did get on their website to donate but those funds only went to pay the staff and give to the people that had raised more than 10000$ which sucks for the people that do not know anyone. My transplant med alone runs 1800$ a month. I can no longer get health insurance because I had this transplant and I have been on life support 7 times. I have found from being on this side of a foundation most of them want to make enough money to take care of their staff. I have learned through this that most foundations, not all I am sure, are fraud. I tried to get help all over the place, before I got sick I gave to many of the foundations with trust it was going to help the next person in need. I am sooo lucky that I have #1 God, and my beautiful family and friends they show me everyday why I fight so hard to stay here. I do not know if this has helped you, I did not mean to ramble but I have come to know how foundations work, I was lucky enough to have doctors to work with me on payments, so I did get my transplant, I can not take my meds all of the time due to price but I do my best. I hope this gives you the other perspective on donating. If I was able now to go back to donating I would find a person in my neighborhood or town. I wrote this because you asked about people ever needing charity, I really hope it helps, sounds like your son must have a heart of gold. Research all charities before you donate. May God Bless You and Yours

What is really motivating your son to give? Is it the reward of the party, or does he genuinely want to help, whether or not his class wins the party? Maybe a little of both? I think it's great he wants to donate and it sounds like you've done a good job of explaining to him how this is really about helping others. I do not think you are being stingy. Giving has to be done responsibly, and children need to learn to manage their money responsibly. Try applying the 1/3 rule -- this means that 1/3 of your son's money is for him to spend, 1/3 to save and 1/3 to donate to charity.