Encourages Inappropriate Behavior

Just tell her. I always hate it when people think it's funny or cute to teach a kid to say something inappropriate, I actually find it funny and cute when they say something very intelligent. I got my 2.5 year old to tell me disiduous when I asked which kind of tree looses it's leaves. Everyone was amazed!

You should definitely not be so concerned about how you will come across, but is of course understandable. I am going to take a wild guess, and say this SIL doesn't have any kids. The things she is teaching your son is completely inappropriate. The example with his Grandfather, and I can imagine many worse! You just need to sit the SIL down and explain to her that the raising of your son is not a joke, and that even though these things are funny to her...they will be causing problems down the line. I would be overruling her right in front of her to your son if she doesn't get it. If she has him repeating something that is not appropriate, tell him so right after that that is not a good/nice thing to say. Good luck..
K.

It's terrific that your SIL adores your son and vice versa, and I know you don't want to jeopardize that. It's great for kids to know extended family. But it's not "coming off as a witch" to say to her, very calmly and when he is not around, that his habit of repeating things has already created one incident that you found embarrassing and you are asking her to stop. Emphasize how you value her help, and how very important she is to him and how much you need and want her to help you out with his development: He's at a stage where he loves, loves, loves to get attention, which is natural, but he doesn't know yet about the difference between positive attention for his appropriate behavior and negative attention for inappropriate behavior. He needs ALL the adults in his life, not just you, to reinforce the difference. If he can imitate things you think are inappropriate, then he has the skills now to imitate better things like songs or little rhymes that will be adorable coming from him -- and will help teach him language skills too.

Is your husband (assuming here he's her brother) with you on this? You need a united front about it; if he undermines you with his sister by giggling along with the imitations or saying "Oh, honey, lighten up," you and he need to get on the same page and he needs to take you seriously (I hope he does already).

Finally, I'm troubled that she thinks "You're retarded" is funny. Ask anyone who has someone in their family with developmental disabilities if the word "retarded" is funny to them. If he uses terms like that by the time he's in preschool, you likely will hear about it from his teachers. Your SIL might say "It's not cursing, don't be so PC," but it is very insensitive. To him it's just a meaningless word that gets a laugh (and a "That's not a word we use" would be much better than a laugh from the grown-ups), but soon, when he says it to another kid at a playdate etc. you could have explaining to do when other parents question it. Something to think about as you listen to her interacting with him. Good luck.

Even though she is your SIL, pick someone else to watch your child. She isn't regarding your wishes and doesn't care how you want to raise your child. Find someone who has similar values and morals as you do!!!! I even stopped allowing my mother to watch my babies for the same reason. She gave my daughter medicine she was allergic to, "because it would help her feel better", after I told my mom not to. Very bad situation there too! Family can be for visiting only- not babysitting if it doesn't feel right.

K.,
When children do anything, acceptable or otherwise, the parents are the ones who usually get the credit or blame so this is a reflection on you, not her. She needs to understand that.

More importantly, when she's in front of you, she clearly isn't respecting your wishes in regards to your child. What is she doing, or might she do, when you're not there? What about as he grows? Will she encourage bad behavior when it's his idea?

I know she's just trying to have fun but I agree with the writer (Melanie?) who suggested teaching him intelligent things. People will not only be impressed when a small child says a big word in context, I assure you they will laugh, too. Happens with my son all the time!

A little chat about respectful behavior (her respect for you, her showing respect to your son by teaching him positive things, her showing your son how to respect others by speaking positively about them, and her showing your son to respect himself by treating others kindly) may do her a world of good. But just know in your heart that, if she doesn't have kids, she truly won't get it until she has one. But she can still respect your decisions.

D.

Just let her know how much you love the special relationship she and your son have and since he looks up to her so much, maybe she can help encourage him to say things that are appropriate. Keep it light obviously... "I know it's kind of silly when he says stuff like that, but we don't allow that kind of talk at our house and it's confusing to him when you encourage it." something like that.

What your SIL is doing is called "passive-aggressive meanness" masquerading as "humor." It's not okay, it's not funny, and you have to call her on it. I have two thoughts:
1. The hard-boiled approach: Just tell her calmly that if she doesn't stop, she won't be keeping your son any more. Your son will miss Aunt Pottymouth but there are plenty of people in the world to love him and for him to form attachments to.
2. Sit down with her sometime and say, "Why in the world are you doing this?" She'll say "It's funny," and then you reply, "It's teaching my son bad habits, it's teaching him to make fun of people with disabilities, and it opens me up to ridicule and judgment when people blame me for what he says. Is this the effect you're looking for?" And then just let her answer that.

I have to confess that when I was single and childless, I once taught a young child of a high-school friend to say, "Daddy is a turkey." No, it's not as bad as ridiculing people with disabilities--the dad in question and I had been friends since 8th grade--but my friend was not appreciative. Now I realize it was a jackass thing for me to have done. Your SIL may be just slower in picking up on the lesson, but learn it she must.

Wow! I hate to say it, but if your SIL is too childish herself to realize how inappropriate that is, she really shouldn't be watching your son at all. I have a severally metally retarded son and find that people like your SIL are too ignorant themselves to know any better. (Just my opionin..sorry had to vent.)

BUT I would tell her to encourage him to say "Excuse me.", "Please", "Thank you!", "Yes Ma'am.", "No Ma'am." (whatever you perfer him to say)and that it bothers you that she is teaching him to say inapporpriate stuff. She is not going to stop unless you TELL her to stop. She may stop in front of you, but what is going on behind your back when you walk out the door?...It may have been "cute" the first time, but once it starts, it just snowballs. It has to stop somewhere. If you have to be a witch, then that is what you will have to be. She will get over it. She needs to respect your wishes and not encourage what she is. That is YOUR son, not hers. Good luck.

Not sure why you are worried about what your SIL thinks. It's your job to raise your child properly, and that includes teaching them what is proper and improper to say, as you clearly are already doing. Tell her that, while you love her and your son adores her, you must insist that she follow your rules regarding the raising of your child, including teaching him not to say rude and/or hateful things to others, adults or children. Wonder how she would like it if he started saying things to her or about her that are not nice (aunt so-and-so, you're fat, or your nose is big, etc). Or worse yet, what if he said "you're retarded" out in a public place to another child or adult who may have a visible handicap. How mortifying would that be for you, and how hurtful for the recipient of the rude or hateful comment!! Stick you your guns on this one!

I'd tell her directly that it's not cute and it needs to stop. If she blows you off, don't use her for babysitting. You're his mom. You're allowed to say, "That's not appropriate for my child" even if someone does think you're being a witch. You also need to consistently teach your son what you do/don't want him to say to people. If you laugh, it enforces it.

Hi K., It seems you have your hands full with a home, job and family to tend to. I always live by the rule "don't sweat the small stuff" however, this could turn out to be a biggie if left untreated. Since you have so much on your plate now, you don't have time to fiddle fart around. (Opppps, did I say that?! lol) You can be firm and kind all at the same time. Just tell the SIL that she has formed a special bond with your little man and she is turning out to be a big influence in his life. He looks up to her as a roll model and you don't want that to go bad when you have to reprimand him for doing something she taught him. That will give him mixed signals about her. Let her know you don't like it when he comes out with these little inappropriate sayings and you have to deal with this behavior accordingly. Hopefully she will get the picture. If not, then you may have to get tough. I don't think it will go that far. I believe she'll understand. Keep in mind that sometimes us mothers have to cackle (like a witch) in order to be understood. If that's the case, cackle away!! Best of luck to you.

I have a sister that is exactly the same! She did it with my nephew and now does it with my son. Its funny and its not at times! AND they adore her and trust her, too.

But, I'm a bit more relaxed I guess in my view of it all...

we taught my nephew that they are only permitted to say those things with her, at home - and no where else! You have to remind him now and again, but he has seemed to remember most of the time. And now I just encourage my sister to not say certain things, and encourage my son not to repeat them without being such a stick in the mud!

I mean, out of all the important things in life we must teach our children not to do - is this really that serious of an offense? "I farted" is better than seeing a child walk up to Grandpa with a stick or toy gun saying "I'm gonna shoot you" if you ask me! And yes, using retarded is just simply not good judgement - but lets not fry the poor girl for it! I seriously doubt she meant to be offensive. Tell her that word is ugly and you prefer she never use it.

You can help your SIL to control her choice of words used - tell her that instead of fart use ______, and repeat it whenever she slips up. instead of retarded use silly - but dont totally wipe out the fun in life! You can be an adult and still be silly and fun for cryin out loud! Whether you admit it or not - they WILL learn this stuff at some point in their lives!!

Sounds like my SIL. She once taught my 2 yo to say Hey _itch to everyone she saw. I was not pleased. My daughter hated having people laugh at her, so she eventually would look at us before repeating something and we would tell her if it was okay. You could have your husband talk to her, or just tell her that if she wants to spend time with your son she will need to stop or the time together will stop. I used to tell my SIL that just wait until she had kids (I would never teach her kids that type of thing but somehow it made her think about being on the other side).

Something similar happened with my brother during his time with my 2 yr old son. I told my brother that he had to change his behavior or else I would have to change his visits with my son. I know I came across as really mean, but my brother straightened up and he and my son (who is now 3 1/2) have a great relationship. My brother and I also have our relationship back to as good as it was before this happened (we were best friends until we just got busy and he moved out of our parents' house, but we're still close), though it did dip slightly initially. My opinion is that when it comes to raising your kids, they'll learn things in school, but it should be up to you what they learn before that. If you look bad, that's okay. You're a mom, and you're trying to do what's best for your child. Anyone who really loves your child should see it the same way, and respect your decisions.