Estranged Grandma Passing...

You could visit the funeral home's website and post a condolence. You could even do it anonymously. Beyond that, stirring up family dynamics is risky.

Hi Giggles,

Since you found out through your line of work, are you obligated to keep that information confidential? I'm just afraid that if you offered your condolences and grandma's family asked how you found out, that you might be reprimanded by your employer if they choose to snitch on you. I've seen this happen many times having worked in law and in the court system. I know it may be a long shot, but if someone has a bone to pick with you, they could try to stir the pot and get you into trouble. As far as your son goes, you didn't mention how old he is, but I would wait until he asks and then tell him. If your son didn't have a close relationship with her, he probably wouldn't really be bothered by it. If you haven't had any contact with his family this long and they haven't been in touch, why bother? It seems that they don't want to keep in touch, so I would leave it--it's their loss anyways and if they really wanted to keep in touch, someone would have let you know that grandma had passed.

Just my opinion,

M.

I would say to leave it alone. If she was a good grandma... then she would of made some kind of time to see her grandchild. Do not feel bad for this family, unless they have been there for you and your child. If they were a part of your childs life, then I would say yes.. and notify them and give your condolences. BUT if they were not.. then I would just say a prayer for her soul and move on. When your child asked, dont lie tell the truth. It will be up to him to decide whether or not he wants to apart of that family.
M.

You don't say how old your son is, which makes a difference. If he didn't bond with her and has hardly seen her, I doubt hearing she died will matter to him at all. Your son is probably old enough to tell him, "remember that grandma you met a couple of times? Well, she died." (or however you want to phrase it.)

Can't imagine why you'd be upset that they didn't contact you, since you're not close to anyone in that family, they don't really sound like people you would want to be close to anyway. So contact them if you feel like it, otherwise don't. It doesn't sound like that grandma cared that much about her grandson, so really, who cares.

I think this is a non-issue. Do what makes you comfortable.

I would definitely tell my son - after all it is his grandma, and even though he doesn't really know her, he knows of her and she is his family. I would also send a card to the family from both you and your son. I wouldn't go into any detail about how you came to know - just a card offering your thoughts and prayers. And definitely don't get upset because no one notified you. You obviously aren't a major part of the family and they probably were wondering themselves whether they should contact you. This is a hard time for them - no need to make it any harder. Just tell your son, send the card and call it a day.

I don't know how old your son is or if he has any memory of his Grandma. If he is still young, or doesn't have a memory of her, I wouldn't tell him. If, as he gets older, he asks about his extended family you can just say that she died in 2010 and leave it at that.

As for sending a card to the family. That would be big of you. No need to call and possibly create an awkward moment, just a card. Nothing detailed, just a nice sympathy note expressing your condolences. 'Sorry for your loss', kind of thing. The info that she passed could have come to you through other avenues besides your job, so there is no need for them to know how you found out. I wouldn't be too upset that no one notified you. If your ex has had nothing to do with his son, they may not really know where they stand with you. These situations are confusing for everyone. Sending the note shows you as compassionate person that holds no ill will toward the family, afterall isn't that the example you wish to set for your son?

I wouldnt do anything. Leave it alone, esp. if your son is still young. The decision sounds like it was made a long time ago. You seem like a caring person so I understand the stress of this for you, but she's gone and the dad is out of the life too. They didnt notify you so for you to send condolences wouldnt help them in their time of grief either. It's not the best situation and you know that, you are hurt by it, but I wouldnt do anything except maybe say a prayer for her.

You do not have an easy job. I feel you do not need to share how you found out. Send your condolences and when you feel it is right let your son know grandma went home to heaven.

No need to be upset about anyone not telling you, just give support.

I will send prayers to you and the family.

Take care of yourself.

N. Marie

I would make contact and give my condolences. I would also let my child know about the passing of his/her grandparent. I feel children have the right to know. My daughter's father decided not to have anything to do with her after he met his current wife. That was 33 years ago, my daughter is engaged and will be getting married next month. Although, she knows who her father is and has seen him and some her realtives from a distance, she is curious and would be offended if I did not tell her of any of them passing away.

I had cried many nights over her father not wanting anything to do with her. I stopped at one point and realized that it was his loss and that I had a great gift given to me by God. I raised a beautiful, intelligent young woman. I am proud of her and myself.

I hope this helps you.

D

If you son has no contact with his birth father or anyone in the family, then I would not do anything at all nor tell your son. When he is older you can talk to him. If he does see his Dad, then he does need to know. You didn't say how old your son is now. How did the family treat you and how come they didn't want to see thier grandson even though you two were not together?
It depends on how your relationship was and if he sees his Dad now.
F.

For your son...keep all information that you can get ...so that when HE makes the decision to look for his paternal biological family he'll have a running start.....Maybe with the address given...just send a sympathy card...state who it is....with your sympathies and make sure you leave an address and phone number..so if any family member want to get a hold of you, they can...that is all you can do....

Both of my girls are adopted....and I have an open communications via mail and email with their bio mom...there was at one time when bio mom was stil using drugs that I decided I need to keep a history of all address and phone numbers supplied to me so that when my girls wanted to actively pursue meeting her...they had a running start in finding her or her relatives..fortunately...bm is clean and living a wonderful life....unfortunately for all of us her family is made up of people addicted to drugs.

So keep a file of resources for your son...and let him know the truth about his father in a positive way when he can handle it......Dad wasn't making good decisions and felt he couldn't be the Dad that your son needed him to be.......but maybe the Dad is making better decisions now...

Hope that helps.

I would say it depends on whether or not you want to open the door into having his family in your life. Nothing may come of it, or it may.

Hello Giggles, I wanted to tell you that when my husband passed away my ex son in law and his parents sent us cards. It was not to rebuild any relationship but to let us know out of respect that they were sorry for our loss. It was a kind thing for them to do and I appreciated it. I might suggest that becasue you didn't have a close relationship with her you might wait until your son is older and then work up a family tree for him and if possible have pictures so that he can see the people and then share memories that you have, as they will be the only ones he will have. There is not a good reason to tell him now about a virtual stranger and have him upset. The tree is also a way to help him learn about things about his birth father's family medical,personal history- when he starts to ask questions. As for telling the family how you found out- you don't have to tell them anything. I just assumed that people learned from the paper, or word of mouth. On the other hand it might be comforting to know that someone they know was apart of the donor process. Remember, this doesn't have to open any communication that you don't want just a common kindness that someone has passed away and you are sorry for their loss. I also wanted to tell you that when the family is in a emtional state of grief they don't think straight-- I didn't even tell my husbands best and dearest friend when the services were,and I was making decisions that I don't remember making -- so it is all about the family situation and not personal towards you and your child. Good Luck, Glenda

The main thing I am concerned about here is confidentiality. Being a nurse, I am familiar with the need for this. You might need to check in with your supervisor before you consider anything else.

Good luck!
Siddheshwari

I'm not sure how privacy laws relate to your occupation, but if the information you receive at work is private, you may not share that information. I have worked in jobs where information I gather at work is confidential. And no matter how much I may want to share what I know, it is illegal.

Well I believe that even though it is scary if you feel the need to contact them, go ahead. It might turn out that someone in your ex's family might want something to do with your son but never had the option. They might be scared to contact you. I would at least reach out and if you get rejected then it is their loss. Also I would tell my son just so you don't keep anything from him. Good luck and be strong.

I work in the medical field. I think you have to "pretend" you don't know because you found this out through your job. You could lose your job by sharing information that is private. I would keep quiet. Maybe someone will let you know eventually and you can stop "pretending" you hadn't heard the news. Sorry for your loss.

Send your condolences. Not expressing the sorrow you have in your heart (even if it is only on your son's behalf) will just leave it to sit there and stew. But don't be upset. Dealing with death is a busy, overwhelming time and any mistakes made during this time should just be overlooked.

If you knew her and was once close, you should send your condolences. As she is your son's grandmother, you should send your condolences. You never said how old your son was, so I'm not sure if you should tell him or not. (Save a newspaper clipping for him if he is too young to be told now. You can get one by calling the local paper.) You can tell them the truth about how you know, I should say. A letter or card should suffice. If the death is recent, a plant from your son to that family would be nice.