Facebook and "Unfriending" Family

I think you've done the right thing.

I would, at times, like to unfriend my husband. It's hard to talk/complain about him behind his back when he'll be seeing my post :).

You have to watch what you do on-line because it could come back to bite you!!!

M

You don't have to explain or say anything, it's done so move on. I BLOCKED my own mom on my fb for about a year and I'm an only child! lol She was causing problems and I was not having it. It's really the quick and easy fix. She shaped up after about a year and I friended her back and haven't had a problem since. It doesn't sound like you have a great relationship anyway so if they do say something I would just say something like, well, I thought it would be easier to just unfriend her considering the circumstances. Done. Good luck!

If you don't want to get into it, say that you use your FB page primarily for professional reasons and you're sure that they can understand how you have to be careful with the kinds of images and messages that show up on your page.

You've done the right thing. When you see them, simply explain that you don't think it's appropriate for spouses to tear eachother down when they are clearly struggling. It's NOT just a photo, it's a clear representation of the disrespect that your brother's wife has for his struggle with addiction.

There are just some things you don't "advertise" on Facebook. Marital/realtionship struggles top the list.

I like JB's answer.

And I don't think you owe huge explanations.

I agree that you did the right thing. Whoever believes that social media is not "real life" is deluding themselves. Once it is there it can always be tracked and can come back to haunt.

Employers watch for this kind of publicity and even teenagers who are doing crazy things with obscene texting, photo's, FB, etc, are leaving a path which could cripple their futures.

Even if your brother would clean up his act, the photo could make it very difficult for him to find a job. Now there is "evidence" of irresponsibility and often others are seen as "guilty by association". You are right to use FB for professional purposes only and leave the personal drama away.

Even if he and wife are furious with you, that is their problem, and they don't want to face consequences of their actions.
You need to hold your ground.

ETA - OH MY WORD!! JB!! Can I send you a bouquet!! AWESOME advice!!

WELCOME TO MAMAPEDIA!!!

You have done the right thing. Stay firm on that.

What she is doing is belitting her husband - publicly. If she can't see that and thinks it's funny? She's NOT helping him or herself at all.

The photo-tagging? What was your problem with it - her profile picture or the post in general? Knowing that other people will see that picture of your brother in a drunken state upset you, right?

What do you say when you see them? You say - while I enjoy my limited time on facebook, I do not enjoy seeing pictures of my brother drunk. It's NOT the image I want my children to see of you. I support you getting clean and sober, however, I do not feel that pictures of you in a state of drunkeness is going to help anyone. I don't see humor in it.

Anything you say will NOT be accepted. So just keep that in mind as you proceed. If they bring it up - you can try what I said above - or you can just say "we can agree to disagree as anything I say to you will not be accepted and I am not going to fight with you over this."

Good luck!

To Fuzzy - Facebook is real life. Those are real images, real people and real thoughts. That really is her brother 'wasted' - that IS real life.

I don't have facebook, myspace, twitter, instagram, kik, etc. this is my social media. I know people that do. They get really caught up in it. I've seen some be so afraid of people they didn't like stalking them, they've blocked them. But created a second account so they could "watch" them and then gossip about them...or worse...have mutual friends and ask about those they've blocked. Talk about insecure. I've seen people set their security settings so high that they can't really be seen. And people wonder why I don't have facebook!! DAH!!

IF I did have a facebook page, I would be concerned about the image that other people get if I'm a working professional. Especially being a teacher! What if your kids look on your wall and see that? some might believe that you support or accept that behavior.

Let them be furious with you. You cannot change them nor can you change their opinions. If they ask about your removing them from your friends list? Tell them that being a teacher is important to you and the image of others you surround yourself with looked at and scrutinized.

There have been plenty of news stories about professionals losing their jobs over inappropriate online photos or posts. Anything that is on your page that could put you in a negative light, reflects on you and your employer. Even though this is not your personal photo, I can see how some people might see the photo and associate you with it and be concerned, because that is how the world works these days. My thought is to approach it as "My students, their parents and my bosses all can view my page and I must take steps to make sure that nothing on there can cast me in a negative light, to protect my job". I would have done the same thing.

Several people I am close with and love have gone through addiction. The one who went to rehab never came out, it was too much and we are coming up on the year anniversary of his death on the 20th of this month. Addiction is NO joke and should not be taken as such. I would not know how to support someone who thought it was a joke. Not only that, but he won't overcome his addiction until he really admits he has a problem and is serious in working through it...

For FB, I'd gladly tell them it's for professional and family purposes only, not for drama. That picture brings nothing but drama and questions. I untag myself in things from family as well and would have no problem blocking or unfriending someone who I felt was putting my professional or family position in jeopardy.

hey, any good "recovering addict" will understand your side of the spectrum... if seeing pics of him wasted is a trigger for you and causes you to relieve pain, then you have the right to stop the madness..
sometimes addicts (and their enablers) forget that alcohol/drugs is a family disease and the addicts aren't the only ones trying to cope...........
if removing pics of him being wasted bring you peace of mind, then surely he should understand.....oddly (well not so oddly) it's the wife sending you the apology which leads me to think she enables him greatly..
I would stand your ground.... be firm...
but as mentioned... it's a family disease (I know I come from a line of drinkers) and I attend Al-anon and OA... which leads me....
if you need support from people who understand YOUR situation and feelings.. Al-anon is a good place for that..
check out their website, answer some questions and see IF it's a program for you....
one thing they say in program......... what others are doing isn't your business.... your brother's recovery is his deal.. you are entitled to yours..
Al-anon may or may not be a good step.. for me.......... WOW WOW .. why didn't I go sooner................. I have find so much peace and of mind and wish you the same.... whether it's that program.. or just sticking to your choice of not wanting to deal with the drama.. that's already a good move..
kudos to you!!!

It's too late for this now, but for any future things like this, please keep in mind that facebook has a 'restricted' list you an put people on. What this means is that you can keep someone as your friend (technically), but that this person cannot see anything on your wall, and they cannot post to your wall. They can only see things that are publically available - which in your case, since you are a teacher, I'm guessing that you don't have anything that is viewable to the general public (or you shouldn't anyway).

I really encourage you to delve into all of FB's privacy options and learn about them, including disallowing tagging and the use of the restricted list. It can be really helpful.

You're the only one that can see that photo when you're tagged in it. You don't click the link that says post on your own wall...so it is really a non issue. No one sees it that you're friends with, only you can see it.

Perhaps you don't understand how tagging works. My family always tags me in photo's and I see that. I can allow the pic on my wall/timeline if "I" want to but most of the time I don't. My friends have no interest is seeing my family photo's.

So you had a basic misunderstanding. Send her a friend request and tell her it was an accidental click. Then hover over her name and uncheck "following". Then you won't see her posts unless you go to her wall/timeline and scroll down to see what she's been posting.

Then peace will come back to this unfortunate incident.

From FB Help section:

"How can I turn off tag suggestions for photos of me?

1. Click (Gear style symbol) at the top right of any Facebook page and choose Settings

2. Click Timeline and Tagging from the left column

3. Under the "How can I manage tags people add and tagging suggestions?" section, click "Who sees tag suggestions when photos that look like you are uploaded"

4. Select your preference from the dropdown menu."

When you turn off tag suggestions, Facebook won’t suggest that people tag you when photos look like you. The template that we created to enable the tag suggestions feature will also be deleted. Note that friends will still be able to tag photos of you.

You do not need to justify to anybody else your FB parameters. The beauty of FB is that it's your personal forum to share and view what you want. Period. Anything that doesn't feel right to you--for WHATEVER reason--is in your hands to change or remove.

When you see them again, don't even think about it. If they mention it, keep your cool. If they ask you directly, let them know that FB and family don't have to go hand in hand. Because that picture bothers you, you felt that your relationship would be better if you didn't have to look at it all the time. Done. This is not their decision to make. Just like you didn't try to control their behavior by asking/demanding that she change it, they can't make any demands of you.

Now, if you are interested in alternatives, you could have disallowed her posts to show up in your newsfeed. You can also control what you're tagged in. I have mine set to ask my permission first. I don't allow everything.

I typically let FB keep me connected to family/relatives. I have recently unfriended one who yelled at me about a comment that I'd made to his post and then tried to harass me some more after. I unfriended him because I wasn't going to give him a platform to mistreat me. I didn't feel any need to offer this explanation, but should someone ever ask me....

I love and HATE facebook.

Some people use it as a platform to display their extreme opinions be it religous, political whatever. Others as a way to make SURE you know how absolutely perfect and wonderful their life is, or the total opposite.

Personally i like it for little updates here and there, to see pictures of peoples kids, new house, vacations etc.
When people turn it in to these personal, private venues they are setting themselves up to stir up problems. Your SIL sounds like a drama queen, and very immature. You'll never "win" this battle with her. i would respond as little as possible. You made your point that you didn't like to see that picture of your brother and you are entitled to that opinion. Leave it at that, say no more. They'll get over it eventually.
i am becoming more and more guarded about who I accept on FB and what i'll even comment on. And have blocked people from feed that I can't stand to read their garbage but no "un-friending" them will stir up problems.
if only we could all be adults LOL

It's Facebook, not real life. If seeing a photo unhinges you to the point that you can't stand to read whatever comment is attached to it, then perhaps you have some issues of your own that you need to deal with.

Savannah, what I meant was that I don't lie awake nights worrying about who friended or unfriended me on Facebook or why they did so. My whole life isn't wrapped up in what happens on Facebook. Unless someone posts a picture of themselves raping a kitten with a branding iron, I don't get upset over other people's pictures. And I certainly don't worry about what other people will think of me, based on pictures someone else posts, if those pictures aren't of me doing something unspeakable.

I think you are still talking to an addict on some level. You did nothing wrong by untagging yourself (you're allowed to do that!). I think that her apology is probably because she's used to cleaning up his messes. But that said, you can let go the drama. I realized recently that I was blocked by one person I thought was a friend (not just unfriended) and unfriended recently by my uncle's wife. I'm not furious. I'm just a little disappointed about the friend b/c I have no idea why, not that we see each other much. With my aunt, she was a bit drama anyway and I only friended her int he first place for family politics.

IF it comes up, keep it simple. You can tell them that you keep your FB account mostly for school related things and must be mindful of your public face. You can also say that you fail to find the humor in your brother's suffering and it was painful to see his picture every time you posted a picture of your kids.

You could probably do a better job with settings and privacy, controlling which groups of people can see whats on your timeline. I have put people in groups and some can see my photos, some can't, some can see my comments, some can't…..
Your brother probably does not understand fb. As well, he was out of line. That being said, this is not a reason for long term family tension. I have more to say on that latter. Be the bigger person, let it go, call your brother and tell him you are thinking of him and praying for him in rehab. If it comes up don't engage about it (its not worth it). Simply say, "yeah sorry about that, I have to keep a really clean time-line because of my teacher status." And I agree, you do need to keep a clean time line.
In the future, if you untag yourself, just know that they will not be notified. Don't make an issue of untagging yourself unless this person puts you in this position often.
Back to family tension over minor augments. My husband is in a career where he works with families very closely (hospice care). He asks probing questions about why family members aren't speaking with one another and so on and so forth. He is a primary care giver, he needs to know what makes people tic, and these things come up often with end of life issues. And so many times family members have not spoken to one another in years, even decades over the most ridiculous arguments. They mount tension upon tension, when someone just needed to be the bigger person, someone needed to forgive, for the sake of family connection. Its not that your brother was right or wrong. You have to decide if this is something to hold against him and further effect your already damaged relationship. Yes alcoholism is a reason to disassociate with a family member. You may already be there. But if he's trying to straighten up, this may be a time for grace on your part.

You've done the right thing. Neither your brother or SIL have hit bottom yet. They really don't get it. Until they do, he will never be "well".

Just step away from them. If you don't, you are part of the problem. Until people stop enabling them, he will never get well. SO WHAT if they are furious? Your children and the children you teach should not have to be party to their poor judgment.

One thing you need to be sure to do is that you make your entire page seen only by those on your friends list. I don't understand why anyone would have their page open to the public and then be surprised when something is seen by someone else they didn't intend. So be sure only your friend list can see your page. You're in the right and I wouldn't let it bother you too much about having them upset with you. You just have better values than they do.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

ETA: Rereading your post: I guess I missed this the first time -- Your brother was just in rehab, and his wife is posting a picture of him drinking? That is just bizarre. I change my response about apologizing to her, but the rest of my response stands. You don't like the photo. You are happy that your brother is now in rehab. They are just going to have to be mad, if that's how they wish to feel.
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I think you should just send her an FB message (you can do that without being her FB friend), reiterating that sorry you are deleting her, it's not about her but just that you can't tolerate that picture of your brother, and you particularly can't do so because you are a teacher.

Then, when you eventually have to see them, you act civil and polite, as you normally would with anyone. If your brother says anything to you, say "I'm sorry brother, I love you but I just can't tolerate or enable your addiction." Just keep your statement minimal, and then don't engage in argument. If he tries to argue with you, just repeat your statement, and walk away.

And that's all you can say. When my brother was drinking, I had no problem telling him what I thought. He didn't have to like what I said or like me, but I wasn't going to pretend his problem didn't exist, or enable it. His wife took the baby and left for a month and I'm very proud of my brother that he manned up, and quit drinking, cold turkey.

Forgive me if this is duplicate information.

It takes a hard long look at things before making a decision to delete a family member. I've had to do it because of what was personally done to me by a family member. But in your case, nothing was done to you personally that would merit your deleting your SIL 2 days after she apologizes. What do you say now?? An apology for over reacting may help.

I'm a pretty random Face Book user, because it seems like some people share too much, but I love looking at the pictures of my family & friends from time to time. Not too often, because I can get so got up in the lurking/searching that I waste away hours.

That said, just this week a family in Florida (I think) lost a settlement because their daughter had posted on Face Book about it & HER post--NOT their post, was in violation of the confidentiality agreement they had signed to get the settlement. $80 K is a mighty big oops!

Employers, parents & students WILL look at your Face Book page & the pages of your "friends" & make judgements. If they ask, explain you are a teacher & yes, other people could make judgements on YOU, based on your "friends" & that you would like to keep your job. Good Luck

I'm going to carefully read Gamma G's post regarding privacy settings, cause I have never really figured out how to do them. Thanks for the info!

Give him a break - he needs some space right now and someone to scream at. Don't worry about it.

Unfriend her if you want to. She won't even notice at first. Life is too short to have to open up FB and see her stupidity staring you in the face. Sounds like she might need rehab, too!

Good luck.

It is social media. You have no control over what others do on their account. I have various different friends on my FB who can see taggings and postings from others and I can't do a thing. We are all in that situation. I never look at someone's account and judge them based on what others have done.

Addiction is a very delicate/sensitive thing. It must have taken your brother everything he had to come out and share that with you. Actually, had you untagged yourself and said nothing about it, she would have likely never noticed.

So in my view, you are the one with the issue on the addiction. Your brother and his wife have to live with who/what he is. By you untagging yourself and then the explanation, you disassociated yourself with him and his problem.

This is a bit two sided (addictions usually are), but you have every right to delete them from your friends list. He has every right to be hurt. I suggest you do some reading on addicts and those who are affected so that you better understand your brother, his feelings, and more so, his problem.