Family Wedding and Sick 9 Month Old

Leave him. From all you have said in your previous posts, I would just leave. You son will qualify for health coverage through the state (until you are done with school) should the father decided to sub next year. You can file for child support payments. It sounds like a horrible daily situation, and I do not understand why you are still engaged to this person. You do not have to gt married and live together to be good coparents. You can tell him that it is clear he is not into the daily grind of parenthood, and he might be a better parent with a visitation schedule. It can be a cordial arrangement.

Get your degree completed, don't lose focus on that. Don't let this situation bring down your grades. Do whatever you have to do to get through this...so you can be self-sufficient. I think it is so important for both parents to find their niche that creates this. Let the father figure out his own path regarding the coaching thing, as that is his goal. You keep to your path and goals. It is clear that you both do not completely support the other's goals...so there is no point in being a couple or getting married.

I have been there and I did it through two children until the youngest was six. I know how hard it is, and your fiance is right, the first year is the hardest. But, he is demonstrating just how much help and involvement he is going to have as your husband. It will not get better, it will get worse.

My own story is this....

My ex never volunteered for any thing. And he never took me anywhere. He was gone on all Holidays golfing. He didn't like me and didn't talk to me. He did go to counseling for a month but didn't take it seriously. Then, when I had had it and I finally asked for a divorce he promised, swore, pleaded, (he didn't want to be divorced twice and be embarrassed in front of his friends) to get better until I had had it.

By then I was so angry and wounded, I could not see past the pain and I went through with the divorce after... 17 years of marriage. Just too much...

I think you need to ask yourself if you want things to change and if so, start now. Don't wait. Get prof. counseling by yourself now so you can figure out what you want and how to get it. Then go after it.

I wish you positive change and good luck.

Wow. What a jerk. You are in nursing school AND taking care of your son and the house and everything without your fiance's help? And then, when you try to tell him that you desperately need his help, he dismisses you? I'm sorry to say this, but I think there are enough red flags in your post to justify the end of your relationship with him. Staying together for the sake of the baby is just prolonging the inevitable, and if your fiance refuses to support you when you're trying to finish school in addition to having a new baby....you are better off without him. It sounds like he doesn't want to grow up and take the responsibilities of being a dad. Hmm, let's think: go to a wedding, or stay home and take care of his sick baby so his fiance can study...he should've picked staying home and helping you out with no questions asked. And why would you bring a sick baby to a wedding? He is not living in reality.

You need to focus on finishing school and finding other people who can help you. Do you have friends or family who can help take care of your son while you study? When I was doing some of my prerequisites (I am trying to get into nursing school), I joined the YMCA and put them in the playroom/drop-in childcare for two hours. I would work out and study at the same time. This is a great way to get something done, even if it's just for two hours, and my kids always had fun playing in the playroom. The Y also helped us out financially; we were able to qualify for a lower membership rate every month based on our low income. It was a great time to get two things done at once (work out and study).

You need to start finding other people who can help you so you can finish school. Pay for a baby-sitter, maybe a friend or family members, anyone who can baby-sit whenever you need to study. As for ending the relationship...I guess that can only be your decision, but it seems to me that if he won't help you when you really need him, he isn't the guy for you. Good luck with school, I really hope you can get it done so you can make a better life for you and your son.

You ARE a single parent and it sounds like you are basically doing it on your own. If he's not committed to you and your child, you have a lot to think about.

Your job as a single mother, is to finish school so you will be able to support yourself and your child without going on welfare and being the best mom you can be.

Blessings.....

To tell you the truth, your child is 50% his responsibility, but I doubt he will ever understand this. It is just not always as natural to most men to take care of infants and children. My husband had NEVER held a chils or infant until he held our daughter. We spoke about it before she was born, so I was sensitive to his uneasiness with what to expect.

Are you breast feeding? That can also make it a little bit harder at this point for him if you do not pump and feed with a bottle a little.

What I would do is each time he comes home, be ready with your books, exercise clothing whatever and just leave once he gets home. As you are leaving tell him, I will be back in 3 hours.. and then go.

Let him take care of the child his way. We moms make such a big deal over how "we dot it" that we forget dads can do it their way and our children will be fine. This can also turn men off to wanting to take care of their children since some moms make men feel inferior with their care.

My husband and I had been married 10 years before we had our daughter and discussed in full about how he was just as responsible as I was and in case I died, he would be the ONLY person in charge of her care and parenting.

Before you marry this man, you 2 need to go to couples therapy and has this out. He is still acting like a single man, instead of a husband with a child.

Perhaps he doesn't hear you when you speak up because of the way you talk. Do you use I statements telling him what you need and how he could help without being critical of him? Complaining rarely gets co-operation.

I agree that he should be helping you and the way you ask for help should not be his excuse for not helping. But it is what it is. It's not working. so you have to try a different way of getting his attention.

I suggest you read up on a form of communication termed non-violent communication. It's a way to talk together in a respectful and non-judgmental manner. There is a web site with quite a bit of information and a book with the same title: Non-violent Communication.

I agree that he's being a jerk. Knowing that and treating him in a manner he deserves does not change him. You can only change yourself and I suggest that learning a different way of talking with him might help. Of course, he may be immature and incapable of understanding even with a change in language but I suggest it's worth a try.

Counseling, couples or just for you, could also help. Making a partnership is hard work and frequently requires some professional help.

As to you showing him this post and it's answers, I think that's the worst possible thing to do. The posts put him down big time and who wants to hear that they are a jerk? His natural response will be to fight back to prove he's not a jerk. It's normal for one's first response to be one of anger and defensiveness.

To help someone to stop being a jerk, one must treat them as a good person so that they will have good person to live up to. Otherwise why not continue to being a jerk? "You think I'm a jerk, anyway."

Just to address the "first year with a baby is hardest" comment by your fiance. Don't go thinking that things are going to magically improve after your son's first birthday. For my marriage, the hard part came when our son hit toddlerhood and we had different ideas about discipline. Parenting, and our different ideas of how we should handle a given situation are the ONLY thing my husband and I disagree on. Luckily we both know how to communicate our opinions to each other lovingly, and always come up with a compromise, or one decides to give in to the other - but I'm willing to bet that there are a lot of people out there for whom parenting beyond the first year made their marriage harder, or even impossible in some cases. It's time to go to couples counselling and work out issues now, before a marriage happens and you both have more unmet expectations. I think it's really great that you want it to work for your son, but wanting something doens't always make it so. Get going on the hard work of marriage now, before you sign any papers!

If you don't get along, why are you getting married? That aside, the first year with a baby is hard, but your fiance should definitely be sacrificing a little more. My husband works and I stay at home with the kids but he gives me breaks all the time and does a lot around the house. He totally steps up when the kids are sick and I have sleepless nights. Sure we get stressed and fight, but I never feel like a single parent, thankfully. Maybe you should just start planning breaks for yourself and announcing them to him or maybe you should try counseling. If you're having doubts before you're even married, though, it's not a good sign.

I'm sorry you're in a parenting relationship with such an unhelpful partner. I've been there, and it sucks. And I agree with Marda – I've actually learned to use Non-Violent Communication, and it's just a much easier way to be in a relationship. Even difficult situations often become manageable when we approach it with an attitude of concern and respect for the other party.

That often opens them up to being able to listen to you with concern and respect. Hinting, fighting, begging, nagging, or any sort of passive-aggressive communication simply cannot get similar results.

I wish you easier weeks in the future. I hope you'll work out your differences with this man before you marry him.

I'm sorry you aren't getting the help you deserve from your fiance. No offense, but really you could do better. My DH is always there when I need him- is especially helpful when the kids are sick (he's an RN), and will even take the day off when I am sick. He is my very best friend in all the world and THAT is what you should have with someone before you consider marrying him. Also:
Does he treat you w/ respect?
Is he unselfish with his time?
Can he see things from your perspective- or at least make an effort to?
Is he your helpmate?

These aren't fantasy characteristics- there are real men out there in the world who are good, caring, and unselfish. I know beause I'm married to one, and have friends and family who are married to good men also.

That doesn't mean my DH and I never argue- we occasionally do- but respectfully- no name calling, no cursing at eachother, no door slamming, no walking out on the other, no getting back at eachother, etc.
I think you might find this book helpful in weeding out the selfish guys:

http://www.amazon.com/Safe-People-Relationships-Avoid-Tho...

Very best wishes! Nursing is a great profession- my DH supports a family of 6 being a nurse, and really enjoys his work (not that it's easy work, but very rewarding). All of your hard work will be worth it- hang in there!! :)

People don't change unless they want to. Deep down there is nothing that you are doing or not doing that has anything to do with whether he is helping you. Are his parents still married? How does their lifestyle compare to the lifestyle that you want to have in the family you are creating. Have you and your fiancée talked about what each other's roles are? Yes, the first year with a child is very hard but it doesn't magically get better as your child matures. We went through pre-marital counseling at our church before we got married and talked about a lot of things like how we wanted to raise our children, who would take care of what responsibility and so on. Something like that might be a good idea for the two of you. Having a child is not a sufficient reason to get married if you're headed for a lifetime of misery.

If he's too immature to understand that this is his child and his responsibility, in sickness and in health, then he's too immature to marry, for better or worse, in sickness and in health.

If you think you still want to marry him, you both need a lot of serious premarital counseling before you put so much as one toe on the road to planning an actual wedding. He needs to grow up and man up. Taking a sick infant to a wedding? Everyone there would have gritted their teeth and he would have thought they were smiling when they were furiously trying to avoid you all. You did the right thing to stay home.

Meanwhile, you're still stuck with him doing exactly what he pleases, when he pleases, like a self-centered teenager. Sorry, that's not fair to teenagers -I've met teenage boys with more sense of responsibility.

The fact you say you "feel like he doesn't hear me when I speak up" and you feel depressed is very significant. First talk to your doctor to be sure you don't have post-partum depression, but even if you do, your fiance still is an issue.

Find a time when you can leave the baby with a friend, and a place where he won't be distracted (no phone, his cell or Blackberry is turned off, the TV's not on, you're not at dinner so he can't stare into his burger) and tell him point-blank: You feel like you are a single parent. Your job is school and it's vital to your child having a better life. He is not respecting you or your relationship by failing to help you do your job, study, or by failing to help you keep your sanity by getting out occasionally. You love him but need him fully engaged and that means being with his child. Tell him you feel he doesn't listen to you and that you want to work out a schedule for both of you -- the days and times he's with the baby so you can exercise and study. Having a specific schedule may help him focus. Have paper and pen ready and if he gets balky and says "Oh, that's so formal, I'll just help out when I can," tell him you need the certainty of specific amounts of study time on specific days so you don't fall behind in classes, and your gym schedule requires you to set times and days. Then tell him part of that schedule is parenting classes for you both, and have that class schedule ready and waiting so he can't make excuses and put off finding out about such classes. "Here's all the information, and I know your work schedule and this will work with that schedule. We start on Tuesday." With a big smile because this new schedule and parenting class thing is great, right?

Either you can be a single mom to both an infant and an overgrown teenager, or you can be a single mom just to an infant once you leave him. He's currently just "playing house" when he wants; you live it every day. Good luck.

Don't make the mistake of marring this guy. Get child support in writing & go it alone. Get a visitation schedule in writing, I would give him Friday nights -Monday mornings every weekend until your baby starts school. If you live with him, move out, find a room mate some one you can trust. Stop being this guys personal maid, doing his laundry & being his personal chef, as well marital privileges. there is more than one fish in the sea for each of us.