My father in law is 55 and has serious financial woes. It's not a matter of getting into credit debt or not making enough money (he had a great paying job, until he was laid off today). He just cannot manage his money. He has zero savings and lives pay check to pay check. The man has no responsibilities, except himself. Now that he is out of a job, he has no financial cushion to help him until he finds another job. My husband and I (along with friends) have been trying to tell him how to solve all his dramas, financial or otherwise. But he is the type that just likes to complain and not DO anything to better his situation.
So....
Does anyone know how to handle a man like this?
And, do you know someone who might be able to help him with his financial situation (professional advice, budgeting help, finance management, intervention)?
My husband is completely stressed out about his dad. Help!
Thank you all so much for the advice, suggestions, and support. It's good to hear from many people what we know is the right thing to do. I think just hearing it outside of family and close friends is what we needed to confirm that we aren't being cold-hearted or uncaring. What a great world we live in to be able to connect to so many people. Thank you thank you thank you. Your support and prayers are so truly appreciated. Merry Christmas.
PS: I also had my husband read your responses, I can tell he feels better, thank you.
I would also recommend Financial Peace University. If you feel like you would like to give him something, pay for him to take this class. It runs around $100 and is offered in multiple locations at multiple times. You can get more information at www.daveramsey.com.
S.: I really feel for you. I see you have a lot of great advice already. Truthfully, it was all good too. It is so hard not to take responsibility for others I want to do that with my kids, but I am learning it does more harm than good. The advice about the Dave Ramsey financial book and the Crown Financial is very good, but I think you can tell him about it and see if he is motivated enough to go out and get the book or help he needs. Crown Financial is a class many churches have. I know Bethany Community Church has them. If he is interested he can check out when the next class is by going to www.bethanycc.com. They are on Price and Guadalupe.
My prayers are with you and your husband for setting boundaries and being able to not let his problems affect you. This is a really hard thing to do, so I don't say this lightly. It is really easy to get so wrapped up in others. You have a little family of your own, and with you being pregnant you don't need the extra stress either. You are a wise women to seek the advice of others though. I really hope everything turns out the best for you. What I have found, and I don't know if you believe in the power of prayer, but often when I pray and let go of things the situation is resolved so much better than when I try to fix it. I have seen many miracles (others may not think so, but changed attitudes are miraculous) because of the power of prayer.
You mentioned intervention, does he have any addictions too? Gambling, drinking, drugs, etc. If that is the case, I would seek intervention and watch your time around him because you don't want him to be a bad influence on your children. Remember, the first step to creating change is to realize there is a problem and to want to fix it. He needs to realize this himself and want to fix it.
May God Bless You, and have a Merry and Miraculous Christmas. I am praying for your father-in-law to stand up and take responsibility for his actions and to do what he needs to try to fix them.
Hey S., keep me posted. Let me know how things are going so I know what else to pray for. Take care.
K.
Most importantly, don't bail him out, but make sure your heart is in the right place. He'll never learn as long as someone is there to save him from himself. It's very painful to watch people you love suffer, but enabling someone is doing them a disservice. Don't let his problems become your own.
My husband's mom is the same way and it totally stresses me out. I asked my husband how come he doesn't get worked up about it and he said because it's her life not his and that he chooses to focus his energy on things that are within his control. What she does is completely out of his control, and so he focuses on his circle of influence by making sure we have savings and live within our means. He just doesn't let her chaotic life affect him as much as he can. He's distanced himself emotionally from all of her problems, and we never offer her anything but love when she tells her financial sob stories. He's given her advice before and tried to gently point out that what she is experiencing is all her own doing, but she continues to have a victim mentality regarding it and remains undisciplined financially so we just have stepped back.
I've had to do this with my own mother. You have to walk away. That doesn't mean abandon him, but he's a grown man. He has to want to solve his own problems. If everyone does it for him, that cycle will never end and it will drain your marriage, not to mention be tough on your pregnancy. Continuously trying to handle him only makes you codependent and an enabler. When he ready he'll seek help. And when he does, have a list of classes and resources available to him. Some senior centers offer free financial advice and local community colleges offer low cost classes. Have that list ready when he come to you.
I know that doesn't lessen the stress, but continuing on the track you're on won't either. You have to prioritize your husband and your kids. I hope that helps
Dear S., Oh my Dear! You are a beauty-hearted person. You and your fabulous hubby are in a "drama triangle" with your Dad-in-law. There's the "victim, persecutor and rescuer." It's easy for good people to get sucked into a "rescuer" role.
I help people out of these things all the time. Feel free to contact me.
My advice is to be really up front with him. If he is unwilling to speak to a financial advisor at say chase bank or a private financial attorney and he will not take any advice be firm about not talking with him about it or helping him. I know that this sounds tough but I am now housing my 75 yr old parent who has in many ways allowed himself to become a burden due to improper planning. I think your father in law has some good work years ahead of him but he needs to get his butt in gear. It is a huge challenge to try to now provide for our future as well as my fathers. Once our parents are unable to care for themselves alone we need to care for them but yours is capable of caring for himself at this point. A little respectful tough love sounds necessary here.
I wish i could wave a magic wand for you S., but at the end of the day your father in law is a grown man. Yes he may moan about his situation but the fact that he has always been like this is not something you can change. He can go to all kinds of financial helpers and therapy but it won't do any good. He has to stand up and take responsibility for his own problems, and he needs to WANT to do it. All i can say to you is be there for your husband and the stress he is going through because of his father. His dad needs to wake up and smell the roses and if he can't do that then nobody can help him. Also the last thing you want to do is to start doing things for him because then you will just have another headache as he will expect it from you all the time then.
Good luck.
S..
Not a fun situation. But in my own experiences, if this man is not willing to listen to friends and family, then he probably not going to listen to you once again when you offer professional services. Unfortunately the only thing to do is let him make his own mistakes, he's a grown man, and hope for the best. If I were in your situation, the one thing I would tell him is that since he is not willing to fix the situation, then I will not be his cushion to fall on when he does hit bottom. I know my advice does not seem very compasionate, but like they day, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink."
I would have a gentle and loving conversation with your husband about letting his dad solve his own problems. It is not your family's job to save your father in law from his bad choices. He is a grown man and has made his bed, now he must lie in it. Maybe once he falls on his face and hits rock bottom, he will start making the changes he needs, but it has to get worse for him before it gets better. As an adult he is perfectly capable of seeking out his own financial advice, and the fact he is CHOOSING not to is HIS problem, not YOURS. Also, if your husband keeps solving his father's problems for him, his father will never learn what he needs to do on his own and make the changes he needs. You are enabling him to keep doing what he's doing. He'll figure it out on his own, I'm sure. Once he realizes no one will come to his rescue this time, he'll have to rescue himself, and it will be the life change that needs to happen.
It's rough to watch a loved one go through this but he is a grown man. Let your father-in-law deal with it however he wants. If he needs your help he will ask for it.
Ah..trying to change someone who is not motivated to do so....tough order.
Does he even admit he's got a problem...or does he throw blame on others or "bad luck" or whatever? If he can even SEE that he's a part of the problem ...you have a foot in the door.
If he can see his role in preventing problems...tell him to "pay himself first". (put the $$ automatically in an place where it is hard or impossible to withdraw)
If not...wow. I do not know what to say. He's in complete denial then. Look up way to deal with that. Other than having him give up financial responsibility for himself to someone else more responsible, there is little you can do.
Well...on second thought, you could make a reverse psychology game of saving money...like you could dare him to set some aside...and say "I'll bet you can't collect "x" amount by this date...but if you do...we will (reward). These games all depend on his personality...which you know better than we do.
I really prefer to use a person's internal motivation...
but this sounds like creativity may be needed.
I've got to tell you - someone like that generally won't change until he wants to. I know because my dear husband has been the same way for most of our marriage, and all the nagging in the world didn't do a bit of good. You might eventually have to withdraw support, or you could give support conditionally = perhaps insist that he see a financial counselor or take a Crown financial class if he is to receive support from you. Best wishes - this is one of the hardest mindsets to break.
Hello S.,
Does your FIL like to read?
If so, consider purchasing a book for him by Dave Ramsey, Total Money Makeover(https://beta.daveramsey.com/shop////prod326.html).
It is a really good book.
He also has a Financial Peace University that is fantastic for those who want to get their finances in order.
My dh & I are currently taking the FPU classes and loving it.
Something else to consider.
May all your Christmas wishes come true.
~D.
S.,
I feel for you and your husband! I am in a similar situation with my parents. They are in their sixties and are living paycheck to paycheck. I am an only child and carry quite a heavy weight around wondering what I am going to do to take care of them when my dad can no longer work. Unfortunately I don't have any good advice, but wanted to reach out and let you know that you're not alone. It's frustrating most of the time and scary when you think about what they are going to do in the future.
If it were my father, I would try not to enable him by giving him money or paying his bills. Yes it's hard. Yes he's my dad. But he's an adult first. Adults have to take responsibility for themselves.
As for guidance on budgets, etc., there is a host of info on the internet. Just Google it.
Good luck,
M.
