Feeling the Pain of My Daughter's Breakup ...maybe Too Much

We all love our children and we are hurt when they hurt. We hate to see them hurt when they are going through a growing moment.

How old is your daughter?

Why are you feeling as thought you broke up as well? You should be by her side for whenever she wants to talk cry or just sit with you. Don't get more upset if she chooses to grieve with friends vs you. You might look within yourself to see why this is taking a toll on you in this manner.

My 23 yr old daughter broke up with her bf of 4.5 years this past July. I HATE seeing her hurt, I do love him like son and his mom is my best friend.

HOWEVER, they are getting through it just fine with our support to be there and listen (no judging) at any time.

This will likely not be the first time your daughter goes through something like this. Get a grip on yourself so you can be there for support for her when and if she asks for it.

In January, you posted that your daughter, a senior, was way too involved with this boy who is 2 years younger than she is. You were quite convinced that it wasn't a good situation.

Now, your daughter has graduated and her boyfriend is going back to his high school for his junior year and she is doing something else. This is a good thing! She's moved on, and he seems to know it. Sure, it's hard for her to make this transition into adulthood, and it's hard for her to see her boyfriend hurt (if he is). It may well be that she's a little scared to move beyond the comfort of a super-easy relationship (with him much younger, less mature, and quite smitten) to go out into the unknown world of meeting new people and having new experiences. Maybe she thought she'd be the one to make the decision, but this time he beat her to it? She'll get through it.

What concerns me is how incredibly involved you are, crying and sobbing yourself. That's not healthy for her, or for you. You must take an adult step back here, and be more mature and less emotional yourself. You seem to feel that this temporary hurt she's going through is some sort of life sentence. It's not. Let her cry and be done with it. This was not your relationship, first of all, so you have to stop mourning this as if it is a death. You have to stop viewing your adult daughter as someone unable to manage her feelings without you getting down in the depths with her like it's the end of the world. She is going to second-guess herself if you don't change your viewpoint.

Your job as a parent is to convince her that she is a strong and competent woman who can take care of herself, and that her mission is not to make others happy (her ex-boyfriend, or you for that matter) but to make her own choices for her future. Her whole life is in front of her, and she's to be commended to making a painful step to move beyond adolescent safe relationships and grow as a human being. She will need this skill to manage in college or in the work force without always being able to please everybody else (professors, roommates, bosses, etc.). Be proud of her. She needs a backbone - and that means you have to demonstrate that you have one too.

my heart always broke for my older when his heart got stomped on, and it did, several times. (my younger is now engaged to his first girlfriend- he's 27 and they've been together for 14 years!)

of course we love our babies and can't stand to see them hurting. of course we're going to hurt for them, and for ourselves when we lose a young person we thought might become family. i lost two girls i SO wanted to be my DILs.

but i didn't break down and sob or 'feel his pain as deeply', no. i certainly had my own emotions to deal with, but being a comfort, a sounding board, a shoulder to cry on, the baker-of-cookies, watching vintage star trek- all of that was where my focus lay.

it won't help your daughter for you to be right there in misery with her.

she needs to be comforted, but she also needs to see your strength.
khairete
S.

I think it's perfectly normal to feel sad when our kids are sad (and I have three young adult children so I am well aware of post breakup pain) but the fact that you are crying and being "ripped to shreds" over this speaks to a level of extreme over reaction. Based on your previous posts it might not be a bad idea to see a counselor or therapist to help you manage your emotions.

For the most part it's rare for people who date in high school to end up married to each other.
Into perhaps her mid 20's every relationship she has is a practice run.
Playing the field is good.
She should be finding out what she likes and finding out what she doesn't like.
It's good to have choices - and hopefully she'll have several good choices to pick from when she /if she ever decides to accept a proposal.

Your job is to provide an even keel for her during her storms of emotion.
If this is boyfriend number 2 - are you going to do this for the next 5 boyfriends?
Please try to get some perspective.
Heartbreak is hard.
Have an ice cream and chick flick movies night - she can have some girlfriends over if she wants.
Provide plenty of tissues.
Time for her to connect with her girlfriends and take a break from boyfriends for awhile.
It's good for her (for everyone really) to know who they are when they are NOT in a relationship.
Eventually she'll feel better and be ready for dating again.

In January 2017 you posted about your daughter breaking up with a guy who was headed to college. That sounded serious. You mentioned her getting counseling to help with the breakup.

But then, if she was with this one for a year and a half, I guess she jumped right in, just a month or two later...jumped right in to something serious?

And then, in January 2018, you posted a complaint about your daughter spending too much time with this boy and his family!

It sounds like your daughter REALLY needs some "single time"! She needs to spend time with friends (and maybe with you!).

Also, she went from dating a guy heading to college to dating a sophomore in high school...if she spends any time with boys, maybe she should spend time with boys her own age.

I guess I think how serious can a HS romance possibly be.

I get being a little sad...We are friends with a few of my daughter’s ex’s parents but we just always figured a breakup was bound to happen sooner or later. My daughter’s know this too so although breakups hurt under most circumstances, it’s not devastating and they move on with life quickly.

Most disappointments occur from unmatched expectations. In life I try to have low expectations so more often than not, I’m pleasantly surprised when things work out, I love the movie, my art work sells, the dinner was delicious etc.

is this the same girl you were complaining about 8 months ago? :)

I get it. My husband and I love our son's ex-girlfriend. She is still coming over to the house and such.

Just remember to breathe. He was part of your life too for 18 months. I get it. Just remember - to be nice to him and her. They are still kids. No need to rush. You never know what will happen. It sucks when our kids are hurting. Don't bad mouth him. Even if it make her feel better. Listen to her. She can and will get through this!

Just wanted to add that when my daughter and her boyfriend broke up they had been together for 2 years and it was hard to hear her crying but I did try to explain that I think there is someone for everyone and if it didnt work out it wasn't meant to be and when Mr right comes along she will be so thankful. I usually end with the Garth Brooks "sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers!) Hang in there!